The 8th of March has always been a significant date to me because it’s my mother’s birthday. When Tim told me months ago that he was getting us concert tickets for a show on March 8th, my response immediately was that it was my mom’s birthday. Luckily, I scheduled around it by having taken my mom to a birthday brunch this past Saturday, and it turns out, my dad took her on a surprise trip for her birthday anyway.
I had slept at Tim’s on Tuesday night since we were planning on leaving to Berkeley right after I finished work on Wednesday. I wanted to sleep at his place after the concert again because of the convenience of it post late night transit back to the city. I just didn’t want to lug my things into work, so bringing all my things over Tuesday night helped work our way around that.
He picked me up after work, and then we went to Philz coffee so I could caffeinate once more ahead of a night out. We took Bart to Downtown Berkeley, and took a walk around the UC campus to enjoy our last bit of sunlight for the next seven days. Northern California is undergoing another atmospheric river this weekend, and it’s projected to rain for a week straight. Both Tim and I are the happiest when we get to be outdoors, so we tried to make the most of the sunshine that greeted us in the East Bay.
I did have a bit of a temper and was grumpy for a moment in our walk, only to realize later it’s because I was HANGRY. My mood quickly shifted once our food was served at the restaurant we ate in after the walk. We had dinner at a place next to the venue of the concert we were going to watch. The place was called Imm Thai Street Food. I ordered fried tofu, and a soup called Su Kho Thai, but without the noodles of course. Tim got the fried pumpkin and a bowl of tom kha tofu. It was absolutely delicious, and I wouldn’t mind eating there again if I happen to be in the area once more.
When we finished dinner, it was around 6:30. The doors of the concert venue opened at 7PM, and neither of us like being that early to a concert. We wound up browsing Goodwill and Half Price Books, and then when we both were bored, we decided to just get in line at the venue. I hadn’t watched a concert at the UC Theatre yet, but Tim had a plan to get there early, secure a table, and hang there during the opening band before migrating to the floor when Ottoboke Beaver, the headliner, began their performance.
Gaile and Chris made the drive over from Petaluma and met us at the concert venue. It was a surprise when we mentioned the show to Chris, and he knew the artist and expressed so much excitement at the chance to see them with us. It’s so great that my best friend’s husband and my boyfriend get along really well - Gaile and I couldn’t have planned for this connection to be any more natural. Gaile & Chris wanted to stay seated throughout the concert, but Tim and I made it down to the floor for half of Ottoboke’s performance.
There’s no better way of observing a concert than being inside the crowd, joining the massive throng of bodies just pulsating to the music. And really - are you at a punk show if you aren’t screaming and jumping up and down? My favorite part of any concert is being able to just close my eyes, feel the sound radiate through my body, and lose myself in that perfect moment - lights flashing, body just giving in to the rhythm. It’s such a joy to bask in the art with the community of people who love the music just as much as you do.
I ran into Nolan, Sarah, and Kai at the show as well. There’s always some kind of understanding when you see people you know at a concert of a smaller artist. It’s like this mutual acknowledgement of taste. Running into friends at shows just confirms my own bias that my friends are all pretty damn cool.
It was an incredible show, and I left still buzzing. We hung around Berkeley for a half hour after the concert, just chatting with everyone. And as always on every fun night out, I didn’t take any pictures. Instead, just have this one photo outside of the UC Theatre that I remembered to snap as we were walking away after the concert.
We just took Bart back home after, but I was still buzzing from the concert, and even if we got back home around 11:15 PM, there was no way I was falling asleep. Tim and I sat up talking about our future goals and dreams, and what we envisioned for ourselves in the next couple of years. And after that... well, lets just say I am currently having the best sex of my life. What a way to end the night!
I have always wanted to keep a journal of my life, and that desire has only grown more as I have aged. However, what we want and what we actually have the time for doesn’t always coincide.
I have always romanticized this idea of “journaling” and felt that I would only do it justice if I had a hand written journal. But, that takes way too long and just doesn’t fit in with the lifestyle I’m currently living. As I get older though, I’ve come to realize that there are so many happy moments in the past that feel like a blur to me now. I don’t think I can rely on my memory to remember details of everyday life. But I don’t want to forget.
I am in love with my life, and I really want to treasure every moment of it, and to carefully log my days so I can remember them years and years from now. I had the loveliest day yesterday, and so there’s really no time like the present to start writing about my days. Most of my weekdays (M-F) are quite the same. I go to work, get some movement in my day (a walk/hike, yoga/pilates, or the gym), and then I have dinner and settle in for the night. I probably won’t make any journal entries on those days, unless something significant happens. This week, I do have a lot planned for the weekdays so expect more journal posts!
Yesterday was a Sunday, and it stormed the whole night before with some of the longest bouts of thunder I have experienced in my lifetime. To my surprise, I woke up to a beautiful, sunny day. I live in San Francisco, so it was still cold.. but beautiful nonetheless.
Tim cooked us breakfast bowls, and then I spent most of the morning reading while he played Elden Ring. We planned to head out for the day around 1 PM. I had heard about the Due West craft fair at the Ferry Building, and we also read news that March 5th was the last day the Bay Bridge Lights would be lit, so it was a perfect time to blend those two plans and make a day out of it.
I really love craft fairs as they usually have two of my favorite things (candles & earrings). I managed to restrain myself at this particular craft fair, and only bought two glass, wavy straws in pink and green. I had been meaning to buy them online along with more retro cups, but it was so much cheaper in person. Tim, as always, had already brought a reusable bag with him to carry anything I wanted to buy for the day.
We were at the craft fair for an hour, and then walked around the shops in the Ferry Building. A new shop opened up in the building called San Francisco Trading Post that had booths showcasing products from local artists. I really loved this retro pencil sharpener that was made to look like the old ones in elementary schools that you would twist to sharpen. I thought it would make the cutest decoration on my work desk, but it was $200, so Tim said he would just make one for me. I’m going to hold him to this.
Tim found this interesting book about the history of Yosemite. We are planning a cabin trip to Yosemite from April 28th - May 1st with a few of our friends. Tim already booked it, and it will be his first time visiting the national park so he told me he wants to be as prepared as possible. This means we’re going to rank our top sites, and top hikes so we can make a must-do list. I love dating someone who wants to be as prepared for a trip as I am.
Afterwards, we got a late lunch at Senor Sisig. I had been so against trying it because it just felt like a bastardization of Filipino cuisine, and honestly way too overpriced. It was good, but I just don’t think I’d pay that much for it ever again. We then continued to walk down Embarcadero and had a plan to embark on the long walk from there to Coit Tower. On the way, we discovered a history walk through the buildings on the Embarcadero and got to take our time and marvel at all the details and photos from the past that we saw.
Tim has been wanting to take me to the Coit Tower for a long time because he wrote his senor thesis on the murals inside the tower. I hadn’t known that these were produced by Public Works and reflected the lives of working class Californians until recently. Once I found out, I couldn’t wait to go see them. One of the best parts of the day wasn’t the tower, but the journey going up. We went on this staircase that intersected with a private garden that people living in the neighborhood had put together. It was a little oasis in the middle of the bustling hillside.
I couldn’t really capture the beauty of the tucked away garden, but I did take some photos of the rest of the walkway up:
Unfortunately, we made it to the tower at 5:10PM and the building closed at 5PM so we weren’t able to go inside the building to look at all the murals inside. Tim took me along the outside, and I could see glimpses of the murals throw the windows all around the building. We made a plan to come back again at another date, but I still enjoyed the whole journey there even though we’ll have to come back to get the full experience.
We continued from Coit Tower down to Washington Square Park in North Beach. It’s an area of the city I haven’t yet had the chance to explore in its entirety, so I just felt excited to be wandering around new streets. I always love seeing all the historic architecture in this area, and learning that it used to be called San Francisco’s Latin Quarter and housed a lot of the artists in the city before becoming increasingly gentrified. Tim and I made a plan to come back and have a date at Tony’s since he has yet to eat at the restaurant.
We got gelato, and then went to City Lights to wait for the sun to come down. We wanted to see the Bay Bridge after sunset once the lights were illuminated again, so we had to wait out the sun. I love going to bookstores with Tim because we both naturally gravitate towards non-fiction books. He’ll read a little, and so will I, and then we’ll discuss interesting historical facts we learned in the short half hour we’re browsing the bookstore.
Afterwards, we made the walk down Broadway back to the Pier on Embarcadero to get a final glimpse at the Bay Bridge lights.
I’m really glad I got to enjoy them for their final night with the love of my life in the city we have fallen in love in. We made our way back home after this, and then I stayed at Tim’s and cuddled for a little before heading back to my place. It’s always hard to tear myself from him because I never feel more at home or more comfortable than when I’m laying with him. I just feel like I always sleep better and I always wake up better when he’s next to me.
I told two of my friends that I was in love before I told my partner. In my conversation with Rachana, I could not stop smiling when I detailed how happy I am. She asked me how this love is different, and why I feel it is greater than loves in the past.
I don’t think there’s ever really a moment in previous relationships where I sit and think of every small thing I would want my partner to do. I tend to focus on a couple of things in the relationship I would like to improve on, but when all your basic desires from a relationship are met, it opens the door to infinite possibilities.
I finally feel loved in my love language. I feel like my partner always meets me where I need, so then everything else is so unexpected and just a cherry on top. All of things you didn’t imagine you would enjoy because you’ve never dreamed up something like this. Tim will turn the heater on for 10 minutes before I come over just so I feel nothing but warmth and coziness when I arrive. He never lets me leave his home without a packed breakfast or lunch for the days ahead. After I started getting allergies, he deep cleaned every inch of his apartment to get dust out of even the tiniest crevices. He takes note of my favorite ingredients to cook with and I’ll open up his pantry on nights we’re cooking together to find them in there (he stocked up on almond flour and stevia and monkfruit so we can make all sorts of diabetic friendly baked goods).
These are all quite minor things in the grand scale of things, but all add up to show me how much this person truly cares about me. His best friend told him this is the happiest she has ever seen him with a partner, and he told me with such a sweet smile that she was spot on and he is the happiest he has ever been with me, even after having been with another partner for over 8 years before meeting me.
I’m just happy for the timing in this beautiful life of mine because I feel like everything before Tim was teaching me how to be ready for a relationship and a love like this.
I haven’t felt this way about someone since the first time I fell in love. I’ve never in my life imagined that any love could measure up to that first time.
But I’m so happy I stayed patient, and I stayed open. I have found every single thing I have ever wanted in a partner: someone who I can ramble on for hours about politics, someone who shares art and music and books with me, someone who I can enjoy all aspects of life with. Tim is my perfect counterpart.
He is the perfect balance of fun and serious and artsy. I don’t have a problem inviting him along to gatherings with any of my friend groups. We are equally as adaptive to any environment. I never have to question how he feels about me because he will reassure me without me ever having to ask.
He printed me a list of all the events we have lined up for the next few months, and it astounds me that our mix of interests encompasses all the events. He will get massively crossfaded with me, and then wake up bright and early the next day for a hike and archery. We will have a completely busy week with events every other day, and then weeks where we have movie nights/anime nights and experiment in the kitchen together.
I’m writing this very quickly in bed, but I can ramble on and on about how happy I finally am. I found my home in another human being.
“How can you say you love one person when there are ten thousand people in the world that you would love more if you ever met them? But you’ll never meet them. All right, so we do the best we can. Granted. But we must still realize that love is just the result of a chance encounter.”
I want to clarify that I still think of you often, but I no longer yearn for you. It’s just a fond memory that I treasure, and a time in my life long gone. I hope you are happy.
I don’t know if you still stumble on this page from time to time. I don’t know if you still read my words. I don’t know how to stop thinking about you.
I don’t know how to stop loving you.
A part of me is always missing you. Still, after all this time.
Last night, I opened my phone to twenty text messages from you. It was obvious you were drunk so I didn’t respond. Then, my phone started ringing. You called me about ten times, switching from phone calls to Facetime. I hadn’t heard your voice in two months, and against my better judgment, I finally picked up your phone call. You were crying, and telling me how much you missed me. The first thing I did was just make sure you were in a safe place. As angry as I was with you, your safety was still my first concern.
You kept asking me, “Do you miss me, too? Baby, do you miss me? Please come here. Please.” I told you it wasn’t fair. Because it wasn’t, even without telling you.. you knew how much I missed you. I picked up the damn phone call because I missed your voice so much it hurt. I told you there was no way I would drive to you after how badly you had hurt me, after not matching my energy. You insisted that wasn’t true: “No. That’s not true. I was so good to you. I would have done anything for you until right before we broke up.”
And I didn’t know what to say. The tears just started forming because it was true. What we had was perfect, it was perfect until one day it wasn’t. And you blindsided me and disappeared. You heard my silence, and continued: “I didn’t know what I wanted, I’m so sorry. I was so confused. But I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. I think about you every single day and I know now that the only thing I want is you. I love you. Kyrene, I’m so in love with you. I love you so much.”
I can’t tell you how long I had waited to hear that. You kept talking and you told me everything I had ever wanted you to say to me... but you were drunk and I was sober on the other line, knowing how much I love you but staying silent because I was protecting myself from being vulnerable with you again. I knew once the sun came up, you wouldn’t even remember the things you were telling me. And I was right. I didn’t wake up to you saying the same thing, I woke up to an apology and an admission that you don’t remember what you had said to me.
I can’t tell you how painful that was, I never will. I know you meant it, but you’re never going to admit that while you’re sober because I know you and I know how stubborn and afraid of love you are. I wrote it before but I’ll write it again, you were never ready for me. You don’t have the strength to tell me this when you’re not intoxicated, and I’m not going to wait for you to be ready. Until you, I hadn’t really fallen in love again after my first love. I am in love with you, but that’s never enough.
I’d like to say that at 25, my self image has greatly improved, that I’ve embraced myself. But that’s a lie. I think I tend to confuse a lot of people into thinking I’m incredibly confident and into thinking I’m happy with the way I look because I hide the more vulnerable aspect of myself. And yes, everyone has insecurities, but mine are unhealthy and I recognize this. I like to preach to my friends all day about embracing themselves and their imperfections, but I can’t even do it myself. No matter how much weight I lose, no matter how many times I get complimented, I just feel like I’m never ... enough. Because this love and this acceptance has to come from within. I’m trying to learn to love the image that looks back at me in the mirror, but I don’t. I know I have an endless amount to offer beyond physical beauty, but I’m insecure about that as well. I’m never pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, talented enough, cultured enough. This post in itself even lacks any depth and I don’t even know where I’m going. I just know that this is something I’ve struggled with for what seems like a lifetime, but the past couple months have been terrible and I’ve gone back into some destructive eating habits because the increase in the insulin I’ve needed made me gain some weight. All it took was ten fucking pounds to snap me and suddenly make me terribly disgusted with myself again. I just want this battle with myself to end.
Outgrowing people you care about is a long, painful process. You want to fight it but eventually you realize that you’ve grown so far apart that whatever connected you in the first place has dissolved a long time ago.
It’s really hard for me to imagine the future anymore, and it’s something I’ve really tried to stop thinking about. I’ve confined my thoughts to thinking just about 1-2 years in advance now before I combust from the anxiety. Our world is headed into climate collapse in ten years and most major airports are category 1 flood zones... the idea that anyone thinks they can be going on a honeymoon and flying somewhere in 2030 is absurd, the idea that people really think airplanes will still be around in 2030 as a form of public transportation and not a luxury afforded only to the 1% is absurd. People will tell you I’m overreacting but the complete lack of indifference by most of the population is telling. People would rather yell about not using plastic straws than attack the number one cause of pollution, the US military. This parasitic capitalist system will continue to starve the Global South and cause mass destruction on this planet and the poorest and most vulnerable communities in the world will feel the devastation first. Good luck with using your 401k when the world is under water cause the idea that anyone thinks they have 40 more years on this planet is nothing but a pipe dream.
