Introverted Traveler

An introvert who decided to move abroad and travel the world. I’m a child abuse survivor. Autistic. This is my side blog. Lesbian and Demisexual. She/Her. DK. 25-30yo. Inbox is open.

[i-wish-we-never-met]

you told me that i was your everything, and the saddest part is that i believed it. i believed every word you said even if i knew none of them were true.

[i-wish-we-never-met]

I wanted to be so numb that you could hurt me all the way you want and it didn't affect me at all.

[introvert-traveler]

I wished so many times I could change the story, so we could stay together. It didn’t work, and loving you wasn’t enough.

[introvert-traveler]

The first night you were gone, I didn’t get to miss you. I passed out from exhaustion. I woke up to an empty bed and confusion, until reality sank in.

Then more fight happened, making it more real and true than this was the only thing left to do.

The second night, worry crept in. Wondering if you were okay, scared of what you may do. Anxiety made it hard to even fall asleep.

I’m sacred of what the third night may bring.

[introvert-traveler]

No matter how much you may love a person, some relationships can’t work.

[introvert-traveler]

I always fuck everything up.

[introvert-traveler]

I know I don’t post much, a lot of stuff happened, and I didn’t keep up.

A bit over 13.5 months ago, some sort of magic happened, and someone decided that I was worth talking to.

One month and a half ago, the same person moved to my city, because she wanted to be closer.

A bit over a month ago, we ended kissing.

Two days ago, my stupidity got the best of us.

In the middle of that I had to deal with: a person that wanted to be my friend but wasn’t really okay with me being me and the fall out of this friendship; paperwork that’s wasn’t easy to get; applying to university and waiting to find out if I got in for 4 months, being accepted into a program; being so hurt by this pseudo-friendship that I finally decided to do something with the feeling that I wasn’t exactly neurotypical, which lead to me being diagnosed a autistic. There was also the fact I had a horrible job, which I tried to change by taking a technical short course during which I broke an ankle, eh uh our a stop to my course idea for two months and lead to me having a terrible time. Finally, I managed to change jobs but it hasn’t been a garden full of roses either. Then there’s the moment I realized that a friend I had for years wasn’t that much of a friend when they don’t really reply.

While all that was going on, she kept talking to me and showing up everyday. She didn’t seem to give up. She claimed to enjoy spending all those efforts chatting to me. She went through her own trials and changes. And one day, she boarded a plane and landed in my city.

I like her so much. I care for her. I want her to make a new life here, with friends and a good job, with people that actually care and are there for her. I want her to be happy. I want her to smile and laugh, be healthy and safe, even if I’m not in her life.

I have tried to ease her change, to help her settle and feel safer and eat more. I have tried to make her feel comfortable and like this move was worth it, that the risks taken weren’t in vain.

But I don’t feel like that’s enough. I’m not patient and I’m not good at relationships. I’m just so broken and tired.

We fight a lot, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t stop those fights from happening.

We went back to being just friends, and it makes me sad. I cover it up as best as I can, but It’s hard when the person you talked to all the time is now the same person you want to talk about with someone. And I can’t explain what happened to others, because they wouldn’t understand.

She is 3 steps away from me, sleeping in my sofa, and I can’t just go and touch her, even if I wanted to, even if I did before. It’s sad.

So I just pretend I’m okay, keep my feelings frozen and I say nothing. Because it’s not fair for her. I did more than enough damage.

I’m sorry.

[homunculus-argument]

Idea for a play: A custody battle of a corpse. A man - estranged from his birth family and deeply loved by found family - has unfortunately died. His parents that threw him out to the street, siblings who encouraged it, and extended family who never sided with him and simply allowed it to happen, now want to bury him in a family grave, under a name he didn't use anymore, with the ceremonies of a religion he never truly followed. The people who actually knew and loved him are trying everything in their power to stop this.

The deceased, himself, is there, watching this with popcorn. It's clear that no-one but the audience can see him. He can pause the action whenever he wants to monologue, and often stops the show to tell the audience the backstory of a claim, or what really happened when someone is blatantly lying. And one time, just to call his grandmother a bitch.

He is mainly indifferent to the show, simply entertained, no longer personally touched by anything that happens in the mortal world, but once, with tears in his eyes, takes a time to monologue about how deeply he loved his wife - whom he could not legally marry, but called wife nonetheless. Once, when his own cousin questions her presence here, as she was "nothing to the deceased", the protagonist throws the rest of his popcorn in the air, as - being incorporeal - he can't throw it at his cousin.

(most of it lands into the audience. better not be wearing anything expensive in there, and if the friend who brought you to see this play didn't warn you about this part, that's kind of a dick move from them.)

In the end it turns out there is some legal way, some previously forgotten document, new evidence, that allows the dead man to be buried by loved ones, and not his legal family. Despite of the fact that he has spent the whole play insisting that the events of the mortal world no longer concern him at all, and that he doesn't care what the outcome of this will be, his spirit dissipates from sheer relief.

It's deliberately left ambiguous where souls go when they're gone.

[introvert-traveler]

I know I’m a disappointment. I know it’s not exactly what you expected. I am way too much.

And I’ll pretend it’s fine, help you out anyway… and wait for the moment you decide that I was never worth your time.

I’m sorry, even if I never lied.

[introvert-traveler]

I called myself a monster,

You denied it.

I said it more firmly.

You continued to talk against it.

But then, when it was time

to show the true colors,

your actions were louder

than those positive words of patience,

because the truth can’t be hidden

and I was what I had said

from the first moment

[introvert-traveler]

How terrible it is to get used to someone, to care for them, to hold hope inside while telling yourself not to everyday; and then one day, fuck up so badly that they finally leave.

How terrible it is, on the other hand, to realize that they deserve better, and that they won’t leave, so the only choice is to leave yourself, because it’s not right to keep hurting a person, even if it’s not something you want, when they are.

I was so selfish, and you deserved better.

[emptyhumanwalkingaround]

I want to be with someone

Who tells me they care

That tells me it’s ok I’m damaged

It’s ok if those things don’t heal

If some times I need to be left alone

And after that still look at me with love and compassion

I may not ever heal

And sometimes scars run deep then they seem

They reopen with out warning

I need some one that will be ok with that

[luvbey]

I’m so sensitive you could literally text me in a different tone and I’ll get sad

[notsoaveragedisneyprincess]

This happens to me ALL THE TIME

[hell-is-a-teenage-girll]

Omg yes 

[introvert-traveler]

What if I said something... so you would use it that way, as an escape from what I was saying. Instead, I think it hurt you.

All I do is hurt you.

[introvert-traveler]

I was upset and wrote several things,

All thinking they would drive you away,

You refuse to, no matter what I say,

And I still can’t understand

Why you want to stay

[introvert-traveler]

Sometimes, I don’t want people to go

But, I know that if they stay,

It will be worse for them.

Because I suck.

Because I’ll say stuff that will hurt them.

I don’t want that.

And if they go, then I can’t hurt them more.

Pushing people away is easier,

Than knowing I hurt them

By just being me...

[introvert-traveler]

Since mid June, I’ve been having an almost non-stop series of unfortunate events.

Maybe I get one tiny good thing, but I’m too scared to call it that... so I don’t.

And the shitty events won’t stop.

This has left me very drained, hence the long absences from this blog.

And for now.. it will probably continue to be like this.