my soul.

Totally secret blog. No one I know knows this is here.

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Oh hi.. life is still shit.

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7/1 Again didn't leave the flat.

8/1 First day of new shift pattern. It went okay. Finished reading Boy.

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6/1 Didn't leave the flat. Read some of Boy.

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4/1 Today I took down 6 Christmas trees at work. It took forever.

5/1 Went to Redhill with the child. I bought Boy and Anne Frank's Diary. Child bought Harry Potter stuff and some sharpies.

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2/1 I went to work and left after 10 minutes because there was nothing to do.

3/1 Chaos at work, headcount messed up. I was on task helping night shift. I started taking down Christmas decorations.

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Today I watched Lion King, Jungle Book and Aladdin.

Happy New Year.

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If I ever get to grow old, I'll be one of those people you hear of that's died and no one noticed for months.

I have no one.

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I want to die.

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I think I want another baby but that will never happen.

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I continue to struggle with the death of my dog.

I'm just sitting here overthinking the situation, as usual, and thinking about how this grief is the worst I have experienced.

I've lost grandparents, I've lost a couple of people I have somehow become acquainted with over the years. I cried for each of those deaths, some more than others, and I have had the obvious moments where I've wished I could see those people again.

I grieved and cried when I lost my last jack. I watched her get put to sleep which was unpleasant and watching the life drain from her eyes haunted me for a while. But she was 16 and had been ill. She'd had a good life.

But with this death, it makes me want to gouge my eyes out and headbutt a wall. And the longing for another cuddle is so bad, it's almost like a physical deprivation of a drug you've had keeping you alive for 12 years.

The grief of losing something that's like a child to you. You are the sole provider of everything and you care deeper than someone you don't provide for.

I watched her go under the wheel of a van. I will never forgive myself for it. I will never unsee everything I saw and unfeel the absolute fucking terror I felt.

I honestly do not know what the fuck to do.

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Passport application SENT.

YES!

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Last year was hell. I spent 10 months doing a job I hated before finally moving back to night shift, which works better for me with the child.

Every time I booked annual leave, something happened. At Easter I ended up with COVID, July my mother in law was in hospital and August my dog got killed. I have struggled to get over her death and have not had any time off since then. I really feel like I need a mental and physical rest.

I've got a few things planned this year. I've got tickets for WB Harry Potter studio tour in Feb for the child's birthday.

I have tickets and a hotel booked for Rammstein in Denmark in June. I want to try combine that with a trip to Legoland in Billund.

I have tickets and hotel booked for Blink 182 in Amsterdam in October. I'll try and make it a 3 day trip.

I am definitely going on holiday somewhere. I've done my passport application so as soon as that comes back, I am going to book something.

I want to go somewhere on my own. I need to try and stop smoking weed. A holiday might seem like an extravagant way to do it but I need to get away from home and the routine. I also want a holiday abroad with the child and I want to take her to Alton Towers.

I need to do stuff this year. Not a resolution as such but I don't have many great memories of 2022.

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I have had quite a productive day which I guess is a good way to end the year. I tidied the child's room, living room, did some washing and hoovering, washing up and I applied for a new passport. Something I've been putting off for ages. I even went to the post office to get an envelope and post it but they were shut. As soon as they open again I'll post it.

I've got into my head that I am going on an all inclusive holiday ASAP. I also have tickets booked for Rammstein in Denmark and Blink 182 in Amsterdam in 2023.

I need to figure out how to make some more money although I will put it all on my credit card if I have to.

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It's Christmas Day. The child is happy with everything she got (thanks to me - no input whatsoever from the husband). I got her an instant camera and scrapbook stuff and she loves it. Got a ton of other stuff as well, I did treat her because she deserves it.

Another year of no presents for me. I don't care how childish I sound, I really want surprises to open.

We went to Tulley's farm yesterday and had a good day. Although the husband literally said at one point it was shit and he was having a shit time. So glad I paid for him to go.

I'm happy Tab is happy but the husband is so draining. It makes me feel like shit.

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Had a shit couple of days. Just feel like shit. Don't know if it's the prolonged after effect of alcohol or just the usual depressive phase I go through every other month.

I literally hate myself. I hate my personality. Most people seem to hate me.

Can you imagine how intense the hate must feel if you hate someone you're meant to unconditionally love? For example, a mother hates their own child. That's some intense hate.

My mum hates me and so does the rest of my family.

I literally don't want to carry on living like this for the rest of my life.

I'm 32, it's not like I'm a naughty child. I'm grown and the world literally hates who I've grown into.

I feel so lonely.

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I found a lump in my boob maybe a week ago, I've been monitoring it and it's not going anywhere. It actually kind of aches occasionally where the lump is.

I have an appointment at the doctors for an ECG on Friday, I will ask someone to have a feel when I'm there rather than book another appointment.

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I'm entering another suicidal phase.

I have so much anger and no way to cope with it. I feel so fucking miserable in this relationship.