Trying to Turn my Life Around Like...

The ramblings of my quarter life crisis. Indecisive, apologetic and confusing.

[inventingalazylady]

She digs our yellow porcelain tub. This is as close to bathing her as we get. 

[inventingalazylady]

Fucking Confused

So, as you can tell I've just joined Tumblr. I have never actually used Tumblr before. I wanted to blog. That’s about it. I’m not sure what other website are worth signing up on to create a blog so here we are! I actually Googled, “What is Tumblr?”because I wasn't even a 100 percent sure what the purpose of this site was. Google told me that it’s a pretty user friendly operation and I have to admit for not knowing what I’m doing I've got pretty far already. Perhaps I underestimate my abilities because right now I jut keep asking myself, “Am I actually this out of touch with what’s going on over the internet?”

There is a little part of me that’s sure I've entered all this text into the wrong area and that this is going to post as like my biography or something. Oh well, the title will pretty much explain where I’m coming from. So before anyone starts hating on me for being an idiot just know that I’m not gonna fight that label. 

So to get a topic going, is being new at something kinda like being an idiot about it? No one starts something new and just starts running with it do they? If you’re one of those people who picks things up really quick than, fuck you, you can’t be part of this blog. Nah, you can. You just have to keep quiet for what ever the duration is for me to figure out how to post another one of these bad boys. 

I started this blog today because I am looking for ways to remedy some internal conflicts I've been having. I've never had a clear idea of what I’ve wanted out of my life. I have never been able to live in the moment and appreciate what I have. I want to. I really think it would help me see more clearly as to what it is I want. For some reason though I can’t seem to do that. I guess that’s what I’m going to share on this blog though. This will more or less be me documenting my journey to figuring out how to be myself. 

Nothing makes me more happy then to see life’s personality being celebrated! When I see those seemingly small happenings it reminds me of how perfect life is. The moment when nothing could be more blissful than the smile you're witnessing is the moment when I remind myself how precious life is. I don’t think there is some sort of big answer to “What is the meaning to life?” We all know what the purpose is! It’s the underlying reason for every little things you do. Enjoyment. Appreciation. Love. These are the things we live for. Whether they are for yourself of your family or friends these are the answers to the question of our existence. The reason we’re tearing our world apart resource by resource, they reason the CEO’s of companies push so hard for success? To provide for themselves and their families. Of course money isn't happiness but it is security and it definitely makes it easy to find what it is in this life makes you happy. Fear has lead to greed and greed makes is harder for everyone to live in harmony. But that doesn’t have to decide how we feel about our lives. 

I’ve always given myself a hard time for not fighting or working hard enough at things in my life; my grades in school, productivity at jobs, my fitness. But what I’m starting to realize is that I don’t fight for the things my family and friends think I should fight for but rather I’ve been fighting for the last 5 years trying to find what it is that truly makes ME happy while still pleasing the people in my life.For some reason that’s making me see myself as a failure.  I have a lot of fear of what the people in my life think of me. I’ve always made my decisions based on what will make us both happy. From now on I want to make decisions based on what it is that makes me happy. 

I’ve just began to pinpoint some of these internal conflicts. AHH RIGHT ON! This however is the tip of the iceberg. Follow my journey of development cause I’ve still got some interesting stories from my daddy issues to my self esteem/confidence issues and anxiety that I refuse to let pharmacology deal with.