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If You Really Love Nothing

chapter 13: such scenes for things that i regret

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Sukuna mumbled your name so quietly, it was enough for yuji to hold his breath as he waited for sukuna to continue “does she have a kid?”

Yujis eyes widened and he subconsciously took a few steps backwards, his heart was beating so fast he swears you’d be able to hear it thudding. How sukuna found this out was still a complete mystery, yuji swallowed slowly trying to think of words to say but this was not his conversation to have. Did sukuna talk to you? Or Gojo? Yuji genuinely had no words, nor was he ready for this.

Sukuna saw how yuji was caught off guard by the question and he could see how hard yuji was thinking, if it was any other time maybe sukuna would’ve allowed himself to laugh at how bad his brother was at lying, but right now he just wants some answers

“I don’t know” yuji finally spoke up, but he didn’t make eye contact and instead had his gaze fixed on the floor in front of him

“Bullshit” sukuna spat out “try again”

Yuji knew sukuna would know he was lying but he tried anyways, he wants to think he wouldn’t have given in as easily as he is right now

“She does” yuji answered even more quiet than the first time

Sukuna feels every beat of his heart and is painfully aware of his own breathing. He really didn’t think this would’ve been an outcome and he feels as if this is all a very bad joke.

Yuji felt like he knew what the next question was, but his main concern is how sukuna came about asking these questions. Not that he thinks Sukuna is stupid but his brothers general apathy had given yuji hope that sukuna wouldn’t have found out on his own, especially with how careful you and gojo were being

“Is it gojos kid?” Sukuna spoke lowly and yuji closed his eyes in acceptance that Sukuna isn’t asking out of cluelessness, he’s asking to confirm what he’s already suspicious of so lying would do nothing but make things worse

Yuji doesn’t answer, at least not verbally, as much as he had been hoping that sukuna would eventually know the truth yuji didn’t want it to be this way— with all the pressure on him. So instead all yuji does is shake his head no in response, his eyes still fixed on the ground.

Sukuna laughed a humorless, dry laugh. If the kid wasn’t gojos, then it had to be his, there was no one else you were with 4 years ago. And yet he still refuses to accept it, its really not a situation he’d ever expected to find himself in.

“Whose kid is it, yuji” sukuna asked with a hint of what sounded like desperation in his voice

“I think you… need to talk to her, I can’t answer this” the use of his name had him taken aback but yuji spoke with faltering confidence and looked sukuna directly in his eyes. This isn’t his issue and he wasn’t going to be the one to break the news, it’s not what you would’ve wanted either.

“Why aren’t you answering? Do you think you owe her some sort of loyalty?” Sukuna snapped

Yuji furrowed his brows at this, he hated to hear sukuna talk ill of you. Sure yuji doesn’t “owe” you loyalty but you’ve been nothing but kind to yuji, on top of never speaking bad about sukuna. He truly wonders how you and his brother were ever a thing considering the vastly different worlds you lived in.

“This isn’t my conversation to have, sukuna” yuji bit back, now it was his brothers turn to refuse to make eye contact

Sukuna stood unmoved from the doorway, partially in shock at this revelation. Just a few hours ago his priority was entirely different than whatever the fuck it was now. At first he was just trying to gauge how difficult it'd be to get you back from gojo and now it was an entirely different beast, it was a kid-- HIS kid apparently.

Emotions that he never thought he’d feel when thinking about you flood his mind. You were the only person he had that he felt genuine love for, an emotion foreign to him simply because he believes he hadn’t been born with such grace on his side. Not out of pity for himself, just a genuine observation. Everything fell into place when he was with you, and he found himself clinging to your every word and action as if it was gospel. And he knows that kind of control you had over him—intentional or not, was what scared him.

There was no way he was going to sleep or even attempt to sleep. So instead he decides he’s going to get answer-- now. For the first time he finds himself at a standstill, theres not really a way he can just sleep this off but he didn’t feel like a call or text was appropriate.

If he called or texted you, you’d easily avoid his questions not just that but he wouldn’t be able to see your body language. He used to pride himself on being able to tell when you’re lying to him, but he thinks he’s lost that privilege. Youre clearly not the same person he knew and it distressed him. All of this was too much for his mind to settle with— you being capable of hiding something so important from him. Maybe a few hours ago he’d rethink his next choices for your sake but in his mind this situation he was put in didn’t really require him to be courteous.

Of course not without thinking about his ungrateful brother. If yuji caught wind that sukuna intended to go to Gojos house at this hour he’d surely tell you or fushiguro and that would give you time to either leave or come up with some lie. He needed to catch you off guard, since you clearly had no issue with lying to his face.

Sukuna scoffed “Fine”

Yuji watched as his brother turned around getting ready to leave the house again and it made him jump a little in surprise as he realized sukuna didn’t plan on staying home

“Where are you going?” Yuji asked— dumbly and nervously, but he was met with silence

“Sukuna its late, come on-“ yuji began again but he was cut off

“Lets go. You said I should ask her, so let’s do that” sukunas voice was eerily calm and yuji felt his stomach turn

It felt like he’d been caught red handed, growing up he’d been able to get away with most things he’d gotten in trouble for simply because his grandfather was too old to care. Yuji thinks maybe the is what it was like to be afraid of your parents finding out you did something bad. His breathing was getting heavier as he realized you’d probably think this was his fault, and his head spun as he thought about how sukuna probably hated him even more now.

“I didn’t mean right now! Sh- she’s probably asleep or—“ yuji stuttered out

“Then she can wake up” sukuna interrupted “Lets. Go.”

Yuji gulped and clenched his fists he knew it was pointless to argue but he still felt the need to try “Can’t you just call her or something? We can wait til tomorrow we can go first thing in the morning” but all sukuna did was stare with an unreadable expression on his face.

Yuji realized sukuna was waiting for him to move and he didn’t know what to do first. Yuji turned around to grab his phone and keys from the table but sukuna spoke up “Leave it”

“But my phone-“ yuji began

“I know, I said leave it” sukuna repeated, if it sounded fucked up that he wanted to catch you off guard he didnt really care. He thinks the kid you’re probably hiding is a lot worse.

Yuji cursed to himself, he hated how it seems like sukuna read his mind. Yuji had every intention of alerting you or megumi he didn’t want you to be blindsided or feel ambushed by his brother, he had to force himself to swallow down a rude response to his brother because yujis guilt was too overwhelming that even if he wanted to help you, the idea of “betraying” his brother again made his stomach twist.

The car was filled with a suffocating silence, it was hard to describe. Yuji felt it was similar to when your head is underwater and the world becomes muffled and the only thing you can really sense is your breathing. He feels it become harder to catch his breath and the moment the silence in the car breaks would be like when you finally lift your head out of the water. He doesn’t realize he’s holding his breath, simply out of fear that if sukuna so much as heard him breathe he would say something. Yet, sukuna didn’t say a single word… yuji wondered if he was even paying attention to the road considering how disconnected he seemed.

Yuji didn’t really wonder how sukuna knew where you lived because the one of the few conditions sukuna had when yuji first moved in (aside from not being too loud) was to share his location with sukuna at all times. It makes sense but yuji never thought his brother paid any attention to that, considering he always asked where yuji had been. Yuji felt incredibly naïve to think that sukuna wouldn’t take that opportunity to figure out your address.

Meanwhile, Sukuna doesn’t feel like its quiet enough. He can still hear the pot holes he drives over, the muffled sound of wind hitting his car and the sound of the turn signals as he drives. It was all too loud as he tries to think of what he’s going to say to you. He wonders why he even brought yuji with him, it’s not like there would be any benefit he had heard enough from him for the night. Yet the idea of going to see you alone seemed jarring, even if yuji clearly showed that he chose you over his own brother, at least if yuji was there Sukuna wouldn’t face you with no one behind him. He finds himself frustrated with the thought that he didn’t want to be alone. He consistently tried to convince himself that through his solitude was how he has gotten so far, yet the past few months had grown increasingly challenging as he realized you moved forward without him, and now yuji is slowly but surely replacing him. He’s not even sure what makes him have this train of thought it sounds self pitying and pathetic in sukunas opinion but he cant get it out of his head. Maybe it’s the idea that its him being left behind, instead of him leaving you behind, he doesn’t linger too long on the thought that it has to be some sort of underlying abandonment issue.

And the worst part about this is the kid— he has a fucking kid? But as screwed up as it sounded his first thought wasn’t to see his kid, no… it was to see you. The anger he felt… he wasn’t even sure where it stemmed from, he never felt passionately about having a kid, it wasn’t even a reality he’d imagined for himself but it was more the principle of the matter— that you looked in his eyes that night you dropped yuji off and still denied him the truth. And its that thought that causes his heart to twist uncomfortably and for him to anxiously (although he’d never admit that) run his hand through his hair as he stares at the red light that seemed to be taking too long on purpose, as if it knew he wanted to get to you as soon as possible.

————

“I thought you said you were good at this” you laughed

“I am! This is the best wrapping i’ve ever seen what are you talking about?” Gojo responded, in complete seriousness

You and Gojo had decided to wrap the kids christmas presents considering it was 2 days away. You were both sat in your matching pajamas (a gag gift from gojo that you and the kids were “honored” to receive according to him) on the living room floor trying your best to make the presents look pretty. Gojo swears he’s amazing but Airi could probably do better than him at this point, it surprised you because he was usually good at most things he did.

Gojo in all honesty was tired from the work “party” (if thats what people want to call it, he sure wont) but he felt as if he needed this distraction. Going to bed with a bitter taste in his mouth about his day had him disgruntled, so you suggested wrapping the gifts and eating leftover cake from megumis birthday. You opted for wrapping megumis presents so they looked decent considering they were expensive and since airi couldn’t care less about presentation all she cares about is the actual present, gojos “expertise” were perfect for her gifts.

Megumi got a new gaming console, headset and a few new games while Airi got pretty much her whole list. From a new doll house, to new dolls, a fake kitchen play set (which you find ironic since she’s so picky), nail polish, and new plushies. You tried to convince gojo to not go all out but he insisted. You don’t get too bothered because if megumi had asked for more gojo would’ve done the same for him, you think maybe thats just the best way gojo can show his affection. And each time he always insists that its from the both of you even if you contributed nothing financially. It eats away at your conscience and you cant help but feel guilty every year.

“Y’know airi should start pre-school or something soon” you sighed as you cut across the glittery red wrapping paper— also gojos choice, you probably would’ve chosen something less difficult to tape the glitter made it hard for the tape to stick so you had to use a lot but at least it was pretty.

“No, she does not have you seen the other kids these days? All terrible” Gojo looked at you with disgust

“Satoru she doesn’t have anybody her age around her, her social skills are going to be horrible if I don’t at least do a day care or school” you argued

“Who cares about that, megumi lacks social skills and he’s doing just fine” gojo said as he waved the scissors in his hand around (he was lying through his teeth)

You scrunched up your nose and shook your head “not the best example, he barely stopped getting in fights this year”

Gojo rolled his eyes as he went back to poorly wrapping the dog plushie airi asked for, you told him to use a bag but he did his own thing “well I think shes fine, what if you put her in dance or a sport at least until kindergarten”

The both of you sat in silence for the next few minutes as you contemplated the idea, maybe she would like to do something fun that could be a hobby but its so hard when she’s so indecisive, she’s only 3 its not like you expect her to be invested in anything. The topic of the future made you anxious, and for some reason there was already a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, you thought it was just your usual rush of anxiety that constant sense of impending doom but it just felt different today, so you opted to change the subject again… maybe if you don’t think about it you’ll be fine.

“She’s gonna love the kitchen” you giggled as you watched gojo very pathetically attempt to wrap it

“Do I need to wrap this?” Gojo whined “Genuinely will this even work” it was a giant box because the toy still needed to be assembled. You could already picture yourself annoyed at the instructions, sometimes kids toys made no sense.

“Probably not but I was waiting for you to figure that out” you laughed while gojo just glared at you

Your laugh was abruptly cut off by the sound of knocking on the front door (If you could’ve call it that it sounded more like someone was kicking the door.) Your voice caught in your throat as you and gojo made eye contact, it was a little too late to be expecting visitors and your mind already started thinking the worst, like maybe it was one of your neighbors having an emergency. Sukuna so far from your mind as you were lulled into a false sense of security with gojo, wrapping presents pretending like it was always going to be like this.

“Im gonna check on airi” you whispered

Gojo nodded but you don’t know what compelled you to wait until he approached the door.

Gojo looked through the peephole trying to see who it was and you watched as his posture changed. His shoulders slumped and he dropped his arms clenching one of his fists at his side. You moved to see who it was but gojo wouldn’t budge

You furrowed your brow “what is it?” You whispered, a little annoyed that he wasn’t moving

Gojo just dropped his head to look at the floor and sighed letting your question hang in silence

“Satoru seriously what is it?” You almost want to laugh not because theres anything funny but because you’re nervous

Gojo didn’t really know how to tell you that sukuna was on the other side of the door with an unpleasant look on his face (not that his face ever looked pleasant in gojos humble opinion). But the man looked angry, and gojo hated to think about what could possibly have him looking like that. Internally Gojo prepared himself for the possibility of sukuna having found out about airi, and he knew you’d probably want him on standby by to make sure airi is okay.

“Its sukuna” gojo mumbled

Your eyes widen as your heart beat sped up, almost immediately your entire body had such a visceral reaction “what do you mean sukuna? he’s here?” You asked for clarification even if gojo was perfectly clear

Gojo nodded and looked at you with a pained expression “he looks displeased”

You swallowed thickly, trying to even out your breathing “maybe he’ll go away”

But he kept knocking and it caused you to jump slightly while gojo snapped his head back to the door

You felt your feet glued to the same spot, you couldn’t move it was almost as if your brain wasn’t even in charge of your body anymore. Your breathing became erratic and it became harder to control, you tried to think of any possibility he would have for coming to your home so late. Your eyes widened as you thought maybe it was an emergency with yuji but before you could voice that gojo spoke up

“We have to answer it, the knockings gonna wake up airi” he told you calmly “do you want me to answer it first?” He wasn’t too concerned about megumi because he was probably awake watching something with his headphones on at a way too loud volume to be considered normal. He knew you weren’t really processing that sukuna was outside your door so he put his hand on your shoulder and said your name but the look in your eyes told him you were far from present.

“Im going to answer you can wait right here” he maneuvered you just out of sight at the entrance of the kitchen which was next to the front door

———

Sukuna grew more agitated with each passing second. Why weren’t you answering the door? he knows you’re awake, last time he checked you were a night owl. Never asleep before 1 am no matter what, but that was 4 years ago, had you really changed that much? He remembers why he came and the sudden softness he felt for you hardens quickly.

Sukuna shouted your name “Answer the door, I know you’re in there!” as he continued to knock and as he was met with a few more moments of silence he got prepared to knock again but before his now red knuckles could hit the door again, it swung open. Sukuna scowled as he saw who had answered and gojo returned the expression

“Is there something I can help you with? Do you know what time it is? We have neighbors.” gojo asked loudly— so much for ‘be quiet its late’

“Im not here to talk to you, you idiot” Sukuna snapped

Gojo realized sukuna had a look in his eyes that screamed unease. Like he was hanging on by a thread and it made gojo almost slam the door in his face because there was no way you were going to talk to Sukuna when he looked like that. But before he could make that decision for you he saw you move out of the corner of his eye, you came to stand slightly behind him but next to him. He looked down at you with the silent question of ‘what are you doing’ written on his face but your eyes were fixed on the man in front of you.

Sukuna pretends that the sight of your already glassy eyes doesn’t make his heart skip a little, he’d never really remain unaffected by you no matter how much he tried. But that fleeting moment of softness for you quickly fizzled away at the sight of you and gojo in matching fucking pajamas, I mean really it felt like this happened on purpose as if you and gojo had planned it. He feels his jealousy bubbling up inside of him and he refuses to even acknowledge the white haired man next to you. Sukuna also noted the way you seemed to hide behind gojo, which also pisses him off because why would you’d have to be shielded from him? He has never hurt you and he never would and to see the way you acted so unfamiliar to him had his mind buzzing.

You haven’t torn your eyes away from sukuna, you notice the barely hidden look of franticness in his eyes, you feel his gaze swallowing you whole. It’s a look in his eyes you never thought you’d be on the receiving end of.

“What do you want?” You asked trying to make your voice stable but you know you must have sounded like a mess

“We need to talk” sukuna replied with a calmness that felt too eerie to be comfortable “Alone” he added as he finally looked at gojo

“Not a chance, what do you want-“ gojo started but you interrupted him abruptly “Fine”

You turned to satoru completely “im fine, just make sure everythings good inside” you hoped he’d catch onto the way you were asking him to check on airi, last thing you need is for her to be awake and hearing what you imagine wont be a pleasant conversation judging by sukunas demeanor

Gojo didnt want to question you in front of sukuna so all he did was put his hand on your arm and squeezed it briefly before pointedly staring at sukuna as he disappeared behind the door before coming back with a jacket.

"here its too cold out here" gojo mumbled as he shoved the jacket in your hands, you recognized it as his and you were thankful because it was freezing outside and you cant imagine this conversation was going to be fast. You shrugged the jacket on ignoring sukunas pointed stare, he was so obviously bothered it was annoying to you.

The pink haired mans eyebrow slightly twitched at the interaction that unfolded before him but before he could get any more riled up about it your voice pulled him out of his thoughts “what did you want to talk about?” you asked, stepping out of the house and closing the door behind you

Sukuna felt a small smirk try to fight its way onto his face you were responding in short, terse comments you were trying so hard to remain calm but he knows you, he can hear the wave of insecurity hidden in your voice.

“Is there something you need to tell me?” Sukuna spat out

You’re not sure what he thinks he knows. Your mind is telling you hes found out about airi but what if he wasn’t? What if he just thinks you’re dating gojo or something unimportant. You're already overthinking just trying to understand what exactly his intentions are.

“Do you want to elaborate?” You asked calmly

Sukuna felt his eye twitch slightly, he thinks it was probably very obvious. He takes the opportunity to turn around and look at where he parked to make sure yuji is still in the car but also to make you look. He knows if you saw yuji, you’d probably understand why he was here.

You followed Sukunas line of sight as you saw yuji sitting in the front seat of sukunas car, that you only recognize because you saw it the day you dropped yuji off. Yuji looked shocked at the way both you and sukuna stared at him and he quickly fixed his gaze forward instead of the two of you. Yuji knows you could probably see the guilt riddled on his face and he so badly wants to tell you it wasn’t him but by the time he attempts to look at you and sukuna again you’re already back to staring at his brother.

Sukuna turned back to you to find you already glaring at him, as if you have anything to be mad at

“You know what Im talking about don’t play dumb” sukuna began

You just squinted your eyes slightly “I don’t know what you’re talking about I cant read your mind, sukuna” it was your turn to lace your tone with spite

“Whose kid is it? I know you have one, who is the father?” Sukuna said bluntly, speaking so casually as if he hadn’t just shattered whatever front you had

He watched as your face faltered, your eyebrows furrowed, mouth twitching and your body tensed. You looked back at the car and noticed yuji staring again you felt cornered somehow. You had an inkling you felt like you knew why he was here the second you saw his face but you refused to accept it. Even now, as Sukuna so brazenly asked his dreaded question you felt as if it was dream— you’d simply fallen asleep while wrapping the gifts with gojo.

Yet the cold biting at the tip of your nose and the man standing in front of you demanding an answer said otherwise. You couldn’t find your voice and you couldn’t look at his face, you didn’t know how to answer him even if the answer was simple.

“I-“ you began, you feel as if you’d forgotten every word you’d ever learned because your mind was coming up blank. You took the opportunity to look up at him to see his face but he simply looked unamused, it made you feel worse. The look on his face was always something you strived to avoid when you were dating and something you subconsciously were still trying to avoid all these years later. The very idea that his eyes could bear such reproof for you was terrifying, and to see it now made your heart ache in a way you weren’t prepared for.

And even more so the way he was still so breathtaking to you, even with his hair messy because he was clearly running his hands through it, even with the blush spreading across his face from the cold, you truly could not wrap your head around the fact that he was real. His tattoos and the ones peaking through the collar of his hoodie had you becoming completely distracted-- if only for a moment.

Sukuna slightly raised his brows in a mocking manner indicating he was waiting for you to continue. It wasn’t encouraging in the slightest

You cleared your throat in hopes that it’d stop the cry building in your throat “I have a daughter” you stated, your voice wavered as you avoided sukunas glare. You stared pointedly at your feet, the tears were building in your eyes before you could stop them obscuring the view of your shoes, you let the tear drops fall as they slid down your cheeks. It was strange to feel your warm tears while the cold air bit at your face let yourself embrace it— It almost felt comforting. You quickly wiped them away as the silence between you and sukuna grew overwhelming.

You lifted your head to meet sukunas eyes “you’re her father” you whispered so quietly had sukuna not been holding his breath he’s sure he wouldn’t have heard you.

There was something cruel in the way your eyes were glistening with tears and your body shook— from the cold or nerves he could not tell. Cruel in the sense that you’re acting as if you hadnt been hiding this. He knew it, felt it, from the second yuji couldn’t answer.

“Did you know” he spoke tone indiscernible

“What do you mean?” Your brows furrowed as you sniffled

“When we broke up did you know” he doesn’t know why he wants to know that, he’s somehow afraid of the answer

You shook your head in response “it didn’t happen then” you mumbled

It clicked then in Sukunas head that it was that god damned one night stand stunt he pulled. His eyes widened slightly and hes glad you were too busy wiping your eyes to see his surprise. Somehow he knew he’d come to regret that night even more than he already did. Even if that night was the last time he felt actually well rested solely because he had you in his arms again, your presence down to feeling you breathe, how your shampoo and lotion smelled, everything about you had overtaken his senses. He missed you, he had missed you so much it made him so frustrated to be so weak for you, and having to leave you that next morning— without so much as a goodbye sent him spiraling for months after, doing the opposite of what he wanted.

He didn’t know where to start or what to ask he didnt even think he wanted to know anymore yet the words start rising to his throat unbidden “why didn’t you tell me?” He spat out

You slightly startled not expecting his harsh tone out of nowhere “Oh please” you laughed it was vacant of any actual amusement “I did, I tried so hard sukuna you have no idea”

He furrowed his brows and opened his mouth to speak buy you cut him off “If you happen to remember you blocked me on literally everything… I tried calling and texting I even used someone else’s phone and yet there was never a response” you started to get a little louder from all the pent up resentment

“And you couldn’t leave a voicemail? Or even texted me this?” Sukuna asked incredulously

You gawked “I DID! I fucking did, i texted you from 3 different numbers that it was me and that I needed to talk to you, I left plenty of voicemails telling you to call me back” you shouted your tone quickly escalating from what it once was and you were shaking from how angry you were “what else was I supposed to do? I couldn’t even go find you, I wouldn’t even know where to begin” you spat out, choosing to leave out the fact that he never gave you anything of his past that could’ve served as a hint for you, that wasn’t the point of this and it didnt even matter now anyways, you weren’t together anymore anyways.

Sukuna genuinely could not recall such attempts in the moment but if he stopped to think he'd surely remember (he deleted every voicemail and ignored every text for his sanity unknowing of the urgency behind them) although it probably didn’t help there was about 3 months that he wasn’t sober in any sense. That was the life he tried to convince himself he wanted to live, nothing but things that would bring entertainment to him.

So, youre not entirely wrong, you did try but thanks to time, alcohol, drugs and denial sukuna truly did not recall such events. Ignoring everything you just said he cuts your rant off “what about when you saw me the other night?”

To that you had no answer so he continued “how long did you know yuji was my brother?”

You swallowed looking back at the car to see yuji had put his head against the window but his gaze was faced forward you looked back to sukuna “from the moment I met him” you answered honestly

Sukuna scoffed he took a minute to look up at the house behind you. He didn't really notice how nice it actually was and how one of the windows upstairs had a light on. He looked back down at the door behind you and his stomach turned uncomfortably, he realized behind that door was an entire life you’d built without him. You’d even included yuji in this sickeningly domestic life.

“You knew that whole time that I was back” sukuna spoke, not a question but simply a statement

“I was going to-“ you began

“But you didn’t” he cut you off

He felt disgusted that you were scrambling to create excuses “if I hadnt found out, when would you have told me, if at all?” He questioned accusatorially

“I don’t know” you irritably replied “I don’t know, I was waiting for a right moment-“

“You needed a right moment to tell me about MY kid?” He argued

Fighting the urge to roll your eyes you settle on staring straight into sukunas eyes “I did” you spoke resolutely

Sukuna had to physically bite his tongue to stop himself from saying things that could make this much worse not because he cared if he hurt you, if he was being honest he’d lost a lot of respect for you. In his opinion you had no moral high ground here yet you could very easily not allow him to see his kid, although hes not even sure he wanted to meet her. It sounds like an absolutely shitty thing to say but he cant help but feel like he has no emotion about this aside from betrayal on yujis and your behalf.

And yet, “What’s her name?” He asked before he could stop himself

Your eyes widened slightly and you know he saw it “Airi” you spoke with much more certainty, he noticed and there was the smallest spark in your eyes, the same one he recognized when you’d start to talk about something you were passionate about-- he missed it.

“Birthday?”

“Her birthday?” You questioned making sure you understood since he wasn’t really using sentences he only nodded in response. So you continued “March 21st”

You saw the look of realization on his face, that it was right after yujis birthday yet he didn’t say anything.

There was an uncomfortable silence after you told him that, you didn’t really know what to say. There was nothing to say to make this any better and you knew that, as much as sukuna knew that too.

“Why?”

You heard vulnerability laced within the word, something you’d never heard from sukuna. You felt your chest burn as you accepted the fact that you were the cause of it. You knew what he was asking and standing here now, you felt like a fool for your reasoning.

“Y’know I wasn’t mad that you broke up with me” you began your eyes settled on his chest he was wearing a black hoodie with some weird symbol on it and you focused solely on that as you continued “I was at first especially since it was right after my birthday but once that initial rage calmed down I just felt” you trailed off

Sukuna felt annoyed at this monologue you were putting on he didn’t really ask for the reminder of one of his biggest regrets

“I felt hopeless I guess, I thought you were my end all be all. If you asked me to I would’ve stayed with you for as long as you’d let me and yet you couldnt even tell me why you dumped me”

Sukuna rolled his eyes slightly but you didnt see it so he interrupted you “So its some sort of revenge?”

You ignored him “I remember begging you to tell me why” you laughed but it sounded like you were in pain “Do you? How you walked to my room to grab your shit without so much as looking my way”

The memory of that night flooded sukunas brain, you were trailing behind him crying asking him why, what you did wrong, if he was okay. And he remembers ignoring it all. You stood in the door way watching him slowly gather his things as if he was trying to rid you of his presence before you even had the chance to mourn it.

“Years, we were together for YEARS and you left as if I was nothing, If you didnt want to be with me— I couldnt change that” you spat out and you finally moved your gaze from his sweater to his face that wasn’t looking at you but the door behind you “but you could’ve told me why… I deserved that much at least”

Sukuna still didn’t understand what the correlation was but you pressed on “then you come back for one night just to leave me more fucked up than before you came yet again leaving without thinking of what that did to me” you sniffled as you stared daggers into him while he finally moved his line of sight back to your face. Your face-- that beyond the melancholy your eyes held there was a subtle hint of rage.

Your voice raised and you choked up “Selfish. You were selfish, sukuna! And then I found out I was pregnant and after months of my desperate attempts— all my attempts to get you to care I just gave up” you shrugged exaggeratedly “Do you have any idea how exhausting that is?” starting to openly cry you continued “Do you know how much it hurt to try to get you to care not even about me but your kid?” You quickly wiped the tears from your eyes and sukuna felt a sinking feeling of guilt not liking the way this conversation was going.

Your voice sounded unfamiliar to you as you struggled to talk through the tears “So fine, I settle with the fact that I’ll tell you eventually, even if I wanted you to know then, even if I wanted you there every step of the way even if I wanted airi to know-“ you shook your head and brought your hands up to your face as your body was shaking with your muffled cries

Sukuna didn’t know what to do or say he held himself back from his urge to wrap his arms around you, it felt too foreign now, he hadn’t realized just how much of a stranger you were to him now. He deluded himself into thinking he’d be able to get you back somehow, that you wouldn’t even think twice of being with him again. Yet as he watched you breakdown in front of him and he heard how you felt about him, he’d be lying if he said he didn’t lose hope.

You calmed down after a few moments, having needed to let the cry out to be able to continue talking. You sniffled and it sounded disgusting as your nose was runny but you continued “I can’t put airi through that” your voice was gentle but hurt “if thats how you treat people you ‘love’ I cant subject her to that, she’s better off not knowing you at all”

Sukuna thinks he feels a crack in his heart form at that last part, the implication behind your words that you probably thought you would’ve been better off not knowing him made his ears ring. He wanted to tell you to stop but he couldn’t find it in himself to speak

“Because if I told you about her, if you came into her life and abandoned her the way you left me, without so much as a reason” you shook your head “I won’t let that happen to my baby” you wiped your nose and waited for sukuna to say something, he’d been oddly quiet and he was avoiding looking directly at you

Sukunas throat felt dry as he let your words sink in surely he’d look back on this and understand your reasoning but to no ones surprise he lets his defensiveness speak for him

“And you decided that for me” he spoke matter of factly but he could clearly hear the hurt in his words, he hoped you hadnt noticed

You wanted to punch him. Thats what he had to say after everything you told him, after the years of built up resentment and sadness, it made you sick. But if he wanted to play that way then fine, he knew you were always one to match his attitude and even if it was petty and immature you didnt care, he clearly didnt.

“I did” you answered back in the same tone

————

Gojo sat on the couch with his head thrown back as he screwed his eyes shut. Had he been as harsh on you as he is with others maybe he would’ve given you better advice. He should’ve told you to tell sukuna, he shouldn’t have coddled your emotions but he couldn’t help it. Sure, he doesn’t think sukuna is a good person he doesn’t deserve to be graced by you or airis presence but he is airis father.

Maybe because he’d been out of the picture for years it was easy to imagine him as merely a sperm donor but after hearing the entire conversation you and sukuna decided to share with the neighborhood, an uncomfortable feeling of guilt settles in gojos gut. He shouldn’t feel bad for sukuna and yet he does… that man probably doesnt even care about airi but granted the reality of the situation sucked. If gojo was in sukunas shoes he’s not even sure he’d be able to even look at you. All things he should’ve thought about before any of this happened, but it was too late now and he was probably going to be left to pick up the pieces. He heard foot steps running down the stairs and didn’t bother looking, he had honestly wondered if megumi noticed what was happening, gojo didn’t really think to alert him. He’d been too concerned with checking on airi and as your conversation got louder he decided to stay close, just in case.

“What is going on?” Megumi harshly whispered

Gojo sighed and kept his eyes closed “he knows… about airi”

Megumi figured as much considering he heard most of the argument but he was still confused “she told him?”

Gojo shook his head “we don’t know how he found out, the fucker just showed up out of nowhere”

Megumis brows furrowed he had at least 10 more questions but he could tell gojo wasn’t in the mood

“Is she okay?” Megumi asked, he clarified he was talking about you as gojo looked him waiting for an elaboration

“Probably not” gojo shrugged

Megumi didn’t really know what to do, he hadn’t received a text from yuji so maybe he doesn’t know that sukuna is here. Or maybe he actually told his brother, megumi didnt want to think yuji would do that so he quickly shut that thought down

“That guys an idiot” gojo mumbled

And all megumi could do was nod in agreement.

————

“And yuji?” He asked angrily

“What about him?” You asked with a mocking tone

Sukuna looked back at his parked the car, of course the brat was trying to listen in because the second sukuna turned around yuji took his head off the window and looked at the steering wheel of the car instead, trying to play it off

“You manipulated him into not telling me, you claim im the bad guy here yet you-“ sukuna was cut off by you too quickly for his liking

“For your information, sukuna, I was expecting him to tell you, in fact when he found out I swore that was it, I freaked out trying to think about how he’d tell you everything” you spoke with gritted teeth “but I guess you just have your head so far up your own ass that he decided not to tell you”

Sukunas eyes widened slightly “I didn’t need to do anything, you did all the work yourself” you huffed out, glaring at him like you’re sick

He didn’t have a response to that, he knows its probably true yuji decided that on his own.

And somehow in this moment he’s a child again. He’s watching as his parents look at him with disgust, as his grandfather tells him to ‘just behave’, and as his classmates run away in fear from him. Sukuna himself does not realize thats what hes experiencing in the moment, he just thinks the look in your eyes pisses him off.

He thinks you’re never going to stop taking from him. You’ve taken all the space in his brain that is allowed, you’ve taken a part of him and created a whole other person out of it. You took his kid from him and now his brother. It’s not supposed to be like this with him practically at your mercy, with him just lucky enough to be granted a glance from you.

How much was it going to take to change this? To set things right, to start over. Had he confused your power for his? All this time he really could’ve convinced himself you were wrapped around his finger, but he was cruelly proven wrong.

You cleared your throat snapping sukuna out of his thoughts, you didnt know what he was thinking or what he was planning but it made you anxious

“Did you want to meet her?” You asked quietly

“No” sukuna answered all to quickly. He needed time, he didn’t know how much but he couldn’t see her like this. Any normal person would think they’d hate to spend one more second not knowing but he thinks if he met her and he was face to face with a life he’s missed with you, well he’d probably lose his mind.

You flinched at his response and you felt your heart shatter, it was exactly what you were afraid of you knew it. You started to nod in acceptance, because at least you knew it was coming, at least airi didn’t have to know this happened

Sukuna realized you couldn’t read his thoughts as he saw you cave in on yourself, you were shaking and nodding the tears away so he spoke up “not right now I mean” he corrected

You looked him like he was full of shit “It wasn’t going to be right now, she’s asleep”

Sukuna bites back a comment on how you wouldn’t have woken her up for this but chose not to

“You should go” you said, tired of his immaturity

He needed to say something, even if he was mad at you, at everything that just happened “Ill call you” he spoke

You laughed in his face “Go home” you spat out

He wasn’t ready for how fast you retreated from him or how loud and hard you slammed the front door in his face after you went inside.

He was left staring at the doormat, it was a shade of blue that somehow looked lonely. He was disgusted by his vulnerable train of thought, this was not something he wanted to indulge in yet the silence you left him with was eating him alive. The thing about you was that you posed a threat to his own personal philosophy. Love was merely a concept people needed to cope, to find a reason for their existence and for him he was convinced he didn’t need someone else to satisfy his needs. Yet everything about you contradicted that, after all these years he was still left feeling as if he needed you. It was abhorrent.

After a few minutes of being unable to move, his feet moved of their own will as he walked back to his car. The way yuji avoided looking at him made him slam the door shut as he got in the drivers seat

“How long did you know” sukuna asked quietly but Yuji couldnt discern any of type of emotion from his words

Yuji held his breath as he prepared to answer “It wasn’t long” he mumbled “maybe 2 weeks”

Sukuna merely scoffed as he inserted the key into the ignition, he didn’t really have anything to say. Sukuna of all people who always knew what to say, who always knew what he wanted, just didn’t have any words.

———

You slammed the door shut and leaned against it, sliding down to sit on the floor with your knees tucked to your chest you put your head in your hands and cried. It was a continuous stream of tears as you sat with your guilt.

Gojo shooed megumi to his room, which megumi was more than happy to take this opportunity to get away. Not that he didnt want to be there for you but he’s not even sure he’d be of any use right now other than just standing awkwardly. Gojo approached you quietly as he sat down next to you on the floor, you had noticed but didn’t acknowledge him. You just sat there for what felt like forever and he allowed the silence between you two to speak for itself until you were ready.

You sighed and pressed the back of your head against the door “he doesn’t want to meet her” you whispered, voice raspy from the tears and the arguing with sukuna

Gojo couldn’t quite catch the end of your conversation with sukuna, all he had heard was mumbles so as you told him this he felt his heart break for you

“He said that?” he asked in disbelief

You nodded “I asked him if he wanted to meet her and he said no almost immediately” you sniffled “he noticed he fucked up cause he added ‘not right now’ quickly after” you shook your head in disbelief as you huffed out a small laugh

“He does need time to process” gojo spoke up “but-“

“I know he does, I never said he didn’t but its like he didn’t even need to think about it” you snapped “I just don’t know what to believe when he speaks”

Gojo cant blame you for feeling hurt by sukunas crass behavior but he can understand him, would he do the same? Probably no but thats not for gojo to say

“Im sorry it happened that way” gojo whispered and when he noticed you weren’t gonna respond he continued “I seriously don’t know how he found out, we didn’t talk about-”

“I know it wasn’t you satoru” you solemnly smiled at him "he is right though”

Gojo raised his brow as he waited for you to elaborate

“If he hadn’t found out” you waved your hand dismissively “in whatever way he did, I don’t know if I would’ve ever said anything” you whispered

You wanted to believe you would’ve told him eventually. That you would’ve swallowed your pride, would’ve stopped being a coward and just tell him— regardless of what came after. But you were comfortable, living with a false sense of security that your actions wouldn’t have consequences.

“You don’t know that” Gojo tried to reassure you, he thinks you would’ve a little late? Sure but your guilt was eating you alive

“Thank you satoru” you said as you leaned your head on his shoulder “I don’t think I say it enough” you whispered

Gojo could hear the insecurity laced in your words and he felt bad that you think you need to thank him, as if he’d done all of this for thanks but before he could say anything you slowly stood up

“Im going to sleep, ill see you tomorrow” you mumbled

“I got breakfast, okay?” Gojo spoke and when you looked at him, the look in his eyes made you want to melt into a puddle of shame. He had concern swimming in the depths of his too blue eyes and it hurt, you didn’t want him to look at you like that, you didn’t want pity for something thats your fault

“Whatever airi wants” gojo added and you had to snap yourself out of your self loathing thoughts

Nodding with a small smile “sounds good” you murmured

———

“So thats it?” Yuji asked, the words left his mouth before he had a chance to stop them

Sukuna threw his keys on the kitchen table and started taking off his jacket, intent on ignoring that brat asking ridiculous questions

The drive back had been insufferably silent and yuji hated it, yet he couldnt bring himself to speak. He felt he wasnt in any place to ask sukuna what had happened but at the same time, if he was dragged along to that confrontation— for literally no reason, the least sukuna could do was say something… like a single word.

“Are you going to meet her?” yuji was clearly referring to airi and the sentence made sukunas heart clench slightly

Sukuna rolled his eyes as he walked to the kitchen, he was in desperate need for some painkillers this whole ordeal gave him a headache. He should’ve known involving yuji in any way would have led to this, the kid was always too nosy for his own good and if he didn’t respond the questions would simply keep going.

“Eventually” sukuna grunted out, he was tired and did not feel like explaining himself to his traitor of a brother. He is still not over the idea that yuji was complicit in this, he always knew yuji was stupid but this was a new low.

“Eventually?” Yuji asked, he sounded like that was his first time hearing the word and Sukuna wouldn’t be surprised by that possibility

“So what was the point?” Yuji asked “you dragged me down there with you, you went and harassed them at nearly 1 am-“

“Harassed?” Sukuna repeated with a smile teasing on his face “you really need to learn what words mean before you use the-“

“Do you even care about her or airi? Or do you just want something to control” Yuji sounded disturbed, like he couldnt wrap his head around the idea that his brother wouldn’t fight to see airi. Was sukuna confusing love for control? Yuji doesnt understand why his brother denies so vehemently that he still loves you or why he would make such a big scene out of tonight if he didnt even plan to do anything about it, he just didn’t like not being the one in charge. That had to be it.

“Are you even going to try to be there for airi?” Yuji persisted and his tone was teetering on the edge of yelling

Sukuna felt whatever thin veil of patience he had snap, he wouldnt admit it but yujis words were striking a chord sukuna didn’t want to even go near “If you know whats good for you, you’d stop talking” he spoke with a threatening tone that told yuji to stop but he kept going

Deep down Yuji knew sukuna wouldn’t actually do anything it was all just a front “y’know at least our dad is dead” yuji huffed out “at least he literally physically cant be here-“

Sukuna laughed and it was yujis turn to furrow his brows, he didn’t understand why anything he said would be something to laugh at

“You idiot, Jin isn’t dead thats just what the old gas bag told you, to spare having to explain anything to you” sukuna spat out “Jin itadori is off doing god knows what who knows where, he’d be better off dead”

Yuji for some reason or another didn't feel surprised. HIs grandfather did try to tell him something before he passed he kept insisting he needed to talk to yuji about his parents but maybe in the back yujis mind he already knew. He’d never so much as visited his fathers grave, his grandfather always told him it was too far and as yuji got older that excuse made less and less sense and yet he never questioned it.

But to yuji, what hurt the most in the moment is that sukuna couldn’t see how low he’s stooped, how he was just always going to be stuck as a bitter and miserable man. Even if yuji didn’t know why sukuna hated their parents so much, he couldn’t fathom why sukuna couldn’t just be happy with what he had. Was his relationship with you not enough? Was having an actual child with you not enough? Yuji long since accepted that he’d never be enough for sukuna, for whatever reason sukuna just couldn’t be a normal brother, yuji stopped trying to understand.

In this moment, standing across from his brother— who still has a smirk on his face as if he thought he did something all yuji could feel was pity— not for himself but for his brother. There was no point in trying to get sukuna to understand, it wasn’t as though sukuna couldn't'— he was capable but he just didn’t want to. And at that point it was out of yujis hands, if sukuna had never been there for yuji why was he going to stand here and try to get sukuna to make better decisions.

Yuji laughed but it wasn’t a laugh sukuna had heard before. Sukuna likes to think he knows yujis body lanuage and mannerisms better than anyone else— considering the fact that he’s a decent amount of years older than yuji and yuji never really had many friends, its not like there was anyone else who would know him so well. While he could talk to just about anybody, which pissed sukuna off to no end especially in yujis toddler days when they’d go to a store and yuji would talk up a storm with anyone who had the misfortune of making eye contact, yet sukuna noticed yuji wasn’t a “friends” person. It seemed to be preferred, like yuji wanted the solitude despite knowing he could be well liked by anyone, and thats why sukuna knew he was screwed when yuji entered high school and actually had a group of friends, there was no convincing yuji that the fushiguro kid was satans (gojos) spawn cause when yuji did decide he had friends, he took it very serious.

So whenever yuji did something sukuna hadn’t seen before (it was rare) it always made him irrationally annoyed because he didn’t know what to expect next. As he took one look at yujis face, and he saw pititful look yuji was giving him Sukuna could’ve sworn the vein on his forehead could’ve burst

“Well im sure airi will be thrilled to be able to say the same thing about you” yuji spat out “like father like son, right?”

Yuji began to walk away from sukuna, ignoring the look of complete and utter disbelief sukuna had written on his face. Stopping at the foot of the stairs before heading to his room, throwing a small glance over his shoulder

“You’re proving her right you know?” Yuji mumbled, referring to your worries about sukunas presence in airis life

“Airi is better off without you”

next chapter

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