The World Is Broken And So Am I

SW 131 LW 72 CW 73

[invisible-anagirl]

Genuine question:

How long can you go in the hospital with hiding food and getting rid of it in the toilet? (Hospitalized for an Ed)

Faking weight so it looks like I’m gaining, (not)

[invisible-anagirl]

Went to the pool today. People kept on looking at me because I’m so skinny. I don’t like it but I can’t stop this goddamn addiction. I look horrible, I know that. I saw other girls there with there curves, boobs, butts, I wish I could look like that. Healthy, pretty. I can’t though, I’m to stuck.

I’ve started actually talking to guys. Which is insane for me. No one’s ever been interested. I went out with someone and we just sat down at a place that had a beautiful view. He put his arm around me and I know all he could feel was my spinal cord and bony shoulders. He traced them, I could tell he was concerned. Is this how it’s always going to be…

[invisible-anagirl]

[invisible-anagirl]

Two moods:

Not giving a fuck, and binge and purge on everything I can get my hands on.

…………………………………………..

Starve for the rest of my life and live off of Diet Pepsi.

The Internal battle on which one it’ll be 🥰✨🥰✨🥰✨✨✨

[4nxietea]

i was literally dreaming about me binging EVERYTHING last night and I woke up crying bc I thought a binged irl then I went to weigh myself and turned out I lost 3 pounds since yesterday

having an ed is a fucking mental rollercoaster huh 😃

[invisible-anagirl]

Feel this on a personal level

[invisible-anagirl]

Gained 3 lbs in just two days. Been eating all the time it feels like. Every time I try this recovery thing it freaks me out to much. My body becomes a bloated, pregnant, cramped elephant and I can’t stand it. It’s the same process over and over. I just want to stay the same weight and be able to eat whatever the hell I want. I don’t know how to do it

[moonl1ght-bae]

how could i not fall in love with this illness

when anorexia is the most interesting thing abt me

[invisible-anagirl]

When you’re so sick in your eating disorder that it hurts to move, be alive, have no energy, practically exist, but you still refuse to recover ✌️ 😚 ✨

………………………………………………………………………………….

FUCK

[invisible-anagirl]

~TW (don’t read if trying to recover please)

When you are in recovery for an eating disorder, it’s as if you can’t say “I don’t want to recover.” Treatment center after treatment center. Doctors, therapists, dietitians all bombarding you; trying to “help.” Strangers. They are strangers. If you admit to them those five words, they lock you up even longer. Telling you to be a good little girl and finish your plate. Thinking that you’ll eventually choose recovery because there is no other option. So you have to fake it until you make it. Pretending everything is great. Saying how you love the additional 30 lbs you’ve gained from all those extra calories you’ve shoved down your throat. You have to live detached from reality to just survive. To ignore the thoughts, to ignore the feeling of fullness, to ignore life all together. I didn’t choose recover, and I don’t know if I ever will.

[invisible-anagirl]

We love illegally sneaking downstairs at night, to weigh yourself while everyone’s asleep and you find out you lost 4lbs. Real fun times ✨

[invisible-anagirl]

~TW~

I’ve been in/out of Ed treatment for the past four months. Since I’m underage, I was forced to eat. Forced to fucking recover when I have no desire too. Lying through my teeth when they asked me how I was doing, for the only way to get out is be a good girl finish your plate and say everything is fine. I was 88lbs before treatment, now I’m 122. If I go back to old ways I’ll end up back in treatment but I can’t live like this. I can’t keep eating a fuck ton of food feeling horrible all day just to wake up and do it again. I’ve been restricting again, apparently I’ve lost 4lbs. We went to the doctors and they were concerned, if I keep this up I’ll be right back where I was. But you can’t understand the freedom of actually feeling the hunger when it was gone so long. The feeling of control as you purge or throw away the food. I can’t give it up because my Ed is all I have. The only thing that’s always been there while the world is spinning out of control.

[satansdepressedprincess]

One of the worst feelings ever is being in your own house and feeling like you need to go home.

[invisible-anagirl]

If you don’t like me, that’s fine because I don’t like me either.

[classfuckingwarfare]

“I think about dying, but I don’t want to die. Not even close. In fact, my problem is the complete opposite. I want to live, I want to escape. I feel trapped and bored and claustrophobic. There’s so much to see and so much to do but I somehow still find myself doing nothing at all. I’m still here, in this metaphorical bubble of existence and I can’t quite figure out what the hell I’m doing or how to get out of it.”

— Matty Healy

[as-all-else-failed-x-deactivate]

[invisible-anagirl]

I’ve gotten past my under goal weight and I have nothing to say. If my mom knew how much I weighed now she’d be shocked and sad. Nothing has changed though, I am not happier, I am just numb. I repeat my daily binge and purge every day just so I don’t gain weight. My throat hurts, my hands are bruised, and I lie everyday. Even though I am past my under goal weight, my self worth is only determined by the number on the scale. I try getting better but every time I eat the number increases making me feel as if I am not worth anything. It doesn’t get better, it doesn’t get easier, and I don’t know if I will be happy. I don’t even know if I want to be happy. Do I care that I could die from this? Yes and no. The thought of getting better makes me disgusted, because I know in order to get better I will have to gain so much weight due to my body being so fucked up. So I sit here another day sipping on my Diet Pepsi and trying to remain empty, safe from the full feeling food makes me.

[ronicotine]

is it just me or does anyone else feel like the lower the number on a scale is, the higher is my value