It’s been difficult for me to write this albeit this has more or less become my virtual dumping ground. But anyway. I’m really emotionally drained I must say. I’m tired. I’m trying to be tough to remain guarded although it is hard. I have maintained a don’t get involved attitude and I am aware of the risks that presents but I am also not trying to have what’s left of my heart be shattered any further. I still believe I have met my person and this is a test but honestly I’m so taken aback by this test that I question whether I’m right or simply deluded.
I’ve declared and decreed that this is my year so I know the devil is just trying to throw me off course and I refuse to let him win but he’s definitely putting in overtime. His favourite tool is fear and he is using it to cast doubt into my person’s mind. At least that’s the story anyway.
When I think about how fast time is going and how every year age reminds me of mortality, I wonder if I’m ever really going to experience the love and family I know I deserve. I feel like life has been on autopilot for me for the last 11 years and although I have grown and learnt a lot about myself and in general throughout that time, I also feel like I may have missed the window for something real and I’m now having to play catch up in a time where everybody is dealing with serious trauma. That makes me very sad.
I’m currently in a waiting period for confirmation of whether this grows or ends and it’s even more difficult than situations that have abruptly ended because I’m anxiously awaiting a response. I feel like truthfully deep down I know what this means just because of how everyone operates these days and the real meaning behind “space”. However, what if it really is just space? If this is going to be forever, there has to be sure guarantees no? Maybe they need time away to feel the gap left behind by my absence. But what if they don’t feel anything? This is the uncomfortable crossroads. My absence may not make any difference at all in which case I guess it means it really is over and once again I am left to pick up the pieces of the heartbreak.
It’s difficult to try to be optimistic when you’ve become so used to being hurt. I’m now a pessimist who occasionally attempts to be hopeful and stay positive but it really is difficult when nothing good ever comes out of a New Romantic compromise. Nevertheless, my attempts to stay alone are ruined by human’s innate desire and nature’s own way of reminding us that companionship is necessary. I drop my guard down and let a new person succeed in “getting to know me”.
I guess I will see how this goes. I pray for the best although I’m prepared for the worst. Somewhat prepared. All I know is that if this does go well then I will be really relieved. If not, no one is ever going to trick me into opening up again. It will literally be easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than it will be for me to even give any new man my contact info let alone a chance.
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