[inwhichipretendicanwrite]

Sometimes I stand under the stream of water Defending myself from crimes for which I will never be put on trial. 

Reveling in scenes from books that will never be written.

Dancing to the chords of songs that no one will ever hear.

If there’s no evidence -- not even a memory -- Did it ever really happen? 

[inwhichipretendicanwrite]

Picures

Sometimes I miss it:  The life I never had The life I didn’t choose The life I walked away from. 

The apartments, The nights spent with someone The sweats and a messy bun. 

There are days, mornings, nights When I ache for it A pain from a loss of something I never had

[inwhichipretendicanwrite]

Perception is a Reality that I thought I could outrun I thought I was sly-sneaky-smooth safe enough to have fun.

But I was wrong, and you were wrong and now I’m all alone It’s not my fault, nor your fault But we really should have known.

[inwhichipretendicanwrite]

I want to date you and to be with you

I want to kiss and fuck you and cuddle you and wrestle you and everything in between

I say I’m okay with what we have even though the wanting more is what’s killing me slowly but surely eating away at my soul, my will, my happiness

And at the same time I am okay Because really I just want you to be happy whatever that entails

Even if it kills me

[inwhichipretendicanwrite]

Where are we now?

We’re the same, you know. 

We’re both broken,  alone, unfixable

Until someone else needs us to be put together enough to put them back together But no one is there to put us together. 

I’m doing my best, with you,  whether you realize it or not. 

Sooner or later, though,  I’m going to slip falter fall fail

Just like I always do. 

And then where will we be?

[inwhichipretendicanwrite]

I didn’t think anyone could get him out of my head, but laying there,  our legs intertwined,  your nose in my neck, your breath on my chest, 

all I could think about  was holding still,  keeping your skin touching mine. 

[inwhichipretendicanwrite]

After being surrounded by warmth,  when love must return to its own hearth

The heat that it brought slowly fades until you’re colder emptier  than you ever were before. 

[inwhichipretendicanwrite]

The Hardest Part

The hardest part is pulling away smiling and acting  like I don't want your hands  on mine. on me. 

The hardest part  is pretending that I want to do something other than look at you. talk to you. be with you. 

The hardest part is making it seem like I want anything other than you. 

[oliverswinford-deactivated20190]

Life is a test. If you’re willing to hurt anyone to make it easier, you’re failing the test.

[inwhichipretendicanwrite]

Risk and Reward

So where does this leave us? 

It's the burning question,  But it dies on my lips every fucking time. 

Because as soon as it spills out nothing can ever be the same. 

As soon as I ask,  things will have to change.

And I can't risk that. 

[inwhichipretendicanwrite]

Do you feel better now? 

Now that you've analyzed me,  broken me down,  taken away the defense mechanisms, 

one by one,  until I stood before you,  lay under you,  naked  defenseless. 

I could have stopped you with a single word,  But I didn't

And now I wonder,  which of us,  that says more about

[inwhichipretendicanwrite]

There are nights,  the worst ones,  when I think that I won't be able to sleep without you without someone. 

I lay there,  sure that I'll be awake until the sun comes out. 

Eventually, of course,  the exhaustion takes over,  but it's restless,  and I wake up

just as exhausted,  just as empty,  just as alone, 

as I was when I tried to go to sleep. 

[inwhichipretendicanwrite]

Losing things slowly is easy,  it fades out of your life so slowly that you hardly even notice the absence. 

Or that's what you tell yourself. 

You busy yourself with  other, better, newer things until you really don't remember ever having it at all

until you see someone who still has it. 

The wound reopens immediately worse than ever before. 

They seem so whole that it makes you feel empty. 

They seem so happy that you feel as if you'll never be happy again. 

They seem so warm and full of life,  while you're just an empty shell  getting colder by the second. 

[inwhichipretendicanwrite]

I'm falling down again sliding backwards slipping into the dark. 

I remember before,  the struggle to get through a single day, the pain that made a night pass in a heartbeat with little sleep. 

Things are different now,  I've been getting better,  but I'm afraid. 

The darkness is creeping in,  the rocks are skittering down behind me,  the rope is sliding through my fingers. 

I don't know if I can hold on any longer.  Even just for a day

[inwhichipretendicanwrite]

His hands are more neurotic than  the whole rest of him combined,  I noticed with a stupid smirk on my face dropped the moment he caught my eye. 

My eyes go back to his hands the moment he looks away. 

Their motion is so constant that it isn't at all hard to picture them Grasping Sliding Touching Holding Feeling even if they're just fidgeting with a pencil even if that's all I'll ever see them do. 

I watch his hands as long as I can and then stare at the table and try not to close my eyes and just imagine

[captainsglory-blog]

We were alone. So I started a fire. To keep you warm. And you kept the warmth to yourself. And for some reason I found it cute. Tell me, Did you know what you meant? When you said ‘This is what love feels like’? And then let me pour myself into you. As you poured yourself into someone else. No, I don’t think that you knew.

Prometheus, the Fool

[inwhichipretendicanwrite]

I'm not breathless,  But I am speechless

And, honestly,  part of me hates you for that

Words are all I have,  and you've taken them away 

Not intentionally, of course,  But nonetheless,  I don't know what to say and I wish I did.