OK FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON’T REALIZE, SANDRA HILL IS THE WOMAN WHO WROTE “ROUGH AMD READY” ANOTHER EROTIC VIKING NOVEL. SOME OF THE MORE MEMORABLE QUOTES BEING:
“As Hilda’s buttermilk bosoms squished up against his granite abs, Torolf almost had a dick aneurysm.”
“Torolf entered her like she was a lottery. His engorged pecker pushed inside her and she felt fulfilled with sexual fulfillment.”
“Her body was like a beautiful flower that was opening and somebody was pushing their dick inside it.”
YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE I HAVE READ THIS TO AT COLLEGE. ONE GUY COMPLETELY LOST IT FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES AFTER HEARING THE PHRASE “DICK ANEURYSM.”
Hi! So I met your sister at PCC Rock Creek's Q-Room and mentioned this blog and I love it. Also congrats on the upcoming marriage!
Aw! Did she mention that we haven’t updated in forever because we are The Worst (tm)? (And by “The Worst” I mean “really super mega busy and we haven’t read a book for pleasure in like a year also wine is expensive these days.”)But we hope what we have brings you joy!
Alright friends, I RETURN. WITH BOOZE. AND MY FRIEND KRISTIN, who has contributed her sarcastic comments in previous posts.
When we last left, Christian Grey was convinced Ana’s goosebumps meant that he needed to treat her like a child, and also fretting that their relationship was coming to a close because his ridiculous and unrealistic expectations that he had mapped out in an absurd and terrifying contract was going to drive her away.
Unfortunately, none of us are that lucky.
Tonight, I am drinking Fireball with coke, and Kristin has placed her life in the hands of georgia peach flavored vodka.
May God help us.
Oh God, it’s another one of those childhood flashbacks.
“Mommy is gone. Sometimes she goes outside.
And it is only me. Me and my cars and my blankie.
When she comes home she sleeps on the couch. The couch is brown and sticky.”
Kristin: Wait, the couch is brown and sticky?! Is the couch also the bathroom?!
I prefer not to explore the reasons why the couch is both brown and sticky. Let’s be honest, we all know why.
“Or sometimes they she comes home with something to eat. ...Sometimes we have macrami and cheese.”
Kristin: Wait, he’s giving the commencement speech at HER graduation?
Me: Uh-huh.
Kristin: OOOOHHHHHHHH, what a coincidence!
Also, super fucking creepy.
“Sam, my VP for publicity, has sent a draft that is way too pretentious for me.”
I honestly don’t believe that anything is too pretentious for someone who insists his girlfriends call him sir.
Okay, I had to sit through one college graduation. I would appreciate it if we didn’t have to read an entire fictional one.
Kristin: Wait, Ana’s graduating TODAY.
Me: Yes.
Kristin: So, she has to get ready for a ceremony, to graduate college. She probably has a lot of shit on her plate. And he’s PISSED that she’s not answering his texts?
ME: That sums it up.
Kristin: Poor little Christian.
Christian is unreasonably concerned about Ana’s safely. Like, she drives a VW Beetle (named Wanda, incidentally), and he is convinced that because it’s not a brand new Audi that it’s a deathtrap, and that because she hasn’t responded to his texts, she’s dead. He runs into her friend/roommate Kate, who tells him that Ana’s with her dad, gets mad that she hasn’t texted him or answered his three calls (god, you needy, controlling bastard). And then he sees her in her robes and his first thought is, “She’s alive!”
OF COURSE SHE’S ALIVE YOU IDIOTIC ASSWIPE. GOOSEBUMPS AND A VW BEETLE DO NOT A HOSPITAL VISIT MAKE.
“I feel foolish for expending so much time and energy on her wherabouts last night and this morning.”
Well you fucking should.’
UGH we have to read his entire speech.
Kristin: I really think EL James missed her target audience. She was shooting for women, but really should have been going for republicans.
And of course Christian chooses to confront Ana about avoiding him as he hands her the degree.
Kristin: RIGHT NOW? YOU’RE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Ana claims to not have received his emails, he is confused, but is forced to acknowledge the the line confused graduates behind Ana and growls “later” at her.
CHRISTIAN HAS JUST BROKEN THE CREEP-O-METER
So after the speech, he insists Kate find Ana for him. When she grudgingly does so, he GRABS ANA BY THE ELBOW, STEERS HER INTO THE MEN’S LOCKER ROOM, AND LOCKS THE DOOR.
LOCKS. THE. DOOR.
ALL TO DEMAND WHY SHE HASN’T TEXTED HIM BACK
OH
MY
FUCKING
GOD
THIS IS UNREAL
And ANA is apparently just KIND OF CONFUSED by this behavior
No
FUCK NO
If any actual man grabbed me, dragged me into a room with him, LOCKED THE DOOR, and angrily demanded why I hadn’t TEXTED HIM BACK like a petulant teenager, I would be CALLING THE FUCKING COPS because this is the behavior of a sociopathic serial killer.
Oh, and the reason she hasn’t answered his calls, texts, or emails? It’s because between dinner last night and her graduation ceremony this morning, SHE’S BEEN KINDA TOO BUSY TO CHECK HER PHONE.
UUUGGGGHHHHHHH.
And now Christian’s all I DEMAND AN ANSWER TO THE CONTRACT and Ana is all UM I KINDA LEFT MY DAD ALONE BEFORE YOU DRAGGED ME INTO THIS MURDER ROOM how’s tomorrow work for you and Christian’s all DAMMIT WOMAN YOU’RE REALLY TRYING MY SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT HERE.
Jump to post-ceremony drinks, where Christian meets Ana’s step-dad.
“Ana, baby,” I whisper, holding out my hand, and like the good woman she is, she steps into my embrace.”
Ana’s dad and Christian Grey are talking in depth about fishing and I am so. bored.
“You look lovely, Anastasia. This halter-neck dress suits you, and I get to stroke your back, and feel your beautiful skin.”
Me: IT PUTS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN
Kristin: OR ELSE IT GETS THE CUFFS AGAIN
Then, while Raymond (Anna’s dad) is in the bathroom, ANA AGREES TO THE CONTRACT.
She wants hearts and flowers, but she’s willing to try it Christian’s way. Christian, who, by the way, has made absolutely NO compromises regarding his behavior.
f you missed the first post, go read it here, because I’m not recapping this shit. I ALREADY HAD TO LIVE IT ONCE, I WON’T DO IT AGAIN.
My beverage of choice tonight is some Seattle Mariner’s white wine that my boss gave me, because “It only came in packs of three and I’m not giving my mother three bottles of wine.”
Christian meets Anastasia after work, and they’re off to his helicopter, which I’m still ridiculously envious of.
“As we stand inside I make a mental note to fuck her in an elevator.” Come on now, who HASN’T made this mental note?
Oh my, Christian’s Helicopter is named Charlie Tango - “The safest Eurocopter in her class and a delight to fly. She’s my pride and joy.”
Yeah, I love my vehicles for their safety rating. “Yeah, the acceleration’s shit and it’s kind of difficult to park- I need a whole effing helipad- but check out this dope safety rating!”
“’Do you always impress women this way? “Come and fly in my helicopter”?’
‘I’ve never brought a girl up here, Anastasia. It’s another first for me. Are you impressed?’
‘I’m awed, Christian,’ she whispers.”
Though, to be fair, I once dated a pilot, and for our first date he took me up in his plane. Let me tell you, this shit works.
“’Looks good, doesn’t it?’ I ask, so that she’ll turn and I can see her face. She does, with a huge cock-tightening grin.”
Like that?
“’You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. You know that, don’t you?’ She needs to understand this. I want her submission, but more than that I want her consent.”
GUYS I FOUND IT. THE FUNNIEST LINE IN THE WHOLE BOOK.
“I’ll take the debasement.”
NO STOP
YOU WERE TALKING LITERATURE
YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE GETTING INTO
Okay I’m considering doing a shot whenever his cock agrees or concurs but I think I might die.
OH HELL NO
So Christians’ showing her his “playroom” AND THIS HAPPENS
“’Do you do this to people or do they do it to you?’
‘People?’ I want to snort. ‘I do this to women who want me to.””
\
LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE
I WAS PLANNING ON RATIONING MY KIRK GIFS AND YOU’VE GONE AND MEADE ME USE FOUR OF THEM ALREADY
SIT THE FUCK DOWN YOU LITTLE SHIT
NOW YOU EXPLAIN TO ME RIGHT NOW
WHY
THE FUCK
USING THE TERM ‘PEOPLE’
TO DESCRIBE WOMEN
MAKES YOU ‘WANT TO SNORT’
IMMA GET ALL GALADRIEL UP IN HERE
INSTEAD OF A DARK LORD YOU WOULD HAVE A QUEEN
NOT DARK BUT BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIBLE AS THE DAWN
TREACHEROUS AS THE SEEEEEAAAAAAAAAA
UUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH
Right.
Okay.
moving on.
“I’m not going to hurt you, Anastasia.”
But I’m totally gonna beat you with a riding crop. That’s cool, right?
“’Eat!’ I order, to change the subject.
‘No. I haven’t signed anything yet, so I think I’ll hang on to my free will a bit longer, if that’s okay with you.”
BITCH TAKE YOUR FREE WILL AND RUUUUNNNNNN.
“I don’t want to exercise four days a week.”
Girl, you and me both.
“Ana, I need you supple, strong, and with stamina.”
“’You’re a virgin?’ I don’t believe it. ... Anger lances through me. What can I do with a virgin? I glare at her as fury surges through my body.
‘Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?” I growl, and start pacing my study. What do I want with a virgin? She shrugs apologetically, at a loss for words.
’I don’t understand why you didn’t tell me.’ The exasperation is clear in my voice.”
NOPE. YOU DON’T GET TO HAVE THIS REACTION. NOT ALLOWED. HER SEXUAL HISTORY IS HERS ALONE AND YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO IT AND YOUR ANGER IS A REACTION TO YOUR ENTITLEMENT COMPLEX YOU PIECE OF SHIT.
“We’re going to rectify the situation right now.”
Ah, romance.
So they’re all having sexy time and shit, and then this gem, which I’m sure you’ve seen before:
“I’m going to make you come like a freight train, baby.”
So I was going to insert an image of a freight train here so I searched for train gifs and founD THIS TERRIFYING MONSTROSITY INSTEAD
Why? Who is this boy? Why is he being sacrificed to the train gods? WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THIS?
Okay, so, they’re fucking. It’s a lot like 50 shades of Grey’s interpretation but with a lot more focus on Christian’s cock.
And I’m sorry, but there is absolutely no way that Christian is up and ready to go again right after his first orgasm. PENISES DON’T WORK LIKE THAT.
Alright. I’m done. That’s all I can take. They boned, and Christian wasn’t a COMPLETE asshole for it.
She looks cute? Right? Cute and innocent?
WRONG. Because THIS is what Brittney got me for my birthday:
In her defense, she also got me this:
That is not even enough alcohol to get me through the first chapter, but I’ll take what I can get. You will notice it is empty. That is because it has been emptied into this:
That’s Red Bull, motherlovers. GETTING THIS PARTY STARTED.
I do not undertake this lightly. Monsterthalia has already refused this mission. When prompted, her response was,
So, because I don’t love myself, or something, here we go.
Chapter One:
“I have three cars. They go fast across the floor. So fast. One is red. One is green. One is yellow. I like the green on.”
...Genuinely not how I was expecting this book to begin.
It’s a dream (flashback?) about Christian as a child. Mommy doesn’t pay attention to him, and he despairs about losing his favorite green car and he’ll never get to play with it again and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how he feels about being rejected by women which is just so awesome.
“What the hell was that about?” he ponders in italics. “I grasp at the fragments as they recede, but fail to catch any of them. Dismissing it, like I do most mornings...”
Wait, is this a recurring dream? Then why are you so confused by it?
Okay, it’s only the first page. I knew what I was getting into. Not getting hung up on it.
“As I stare out the window at the Seattle Skyline, the familiar ennui seeps unwelcome into my consciousness. My mood is as flat and gray as the weather. My days are blending together with no distinction, and I need some kind of diversion.”
Life is hard for the multimillionaire.
Ah, Anastasia arrives:
“A whirl of long chestnut hair, pale limbs, and brown boots dives headfirst into my office. Repressing my natural annoyance at such clumsiness, I hurry over to the girl who has landed on her hands and knees on the floor.”
Anastasia Steele, everyone:
“She looks nervously around my office--everywhere but at me, I note, with amused irony.”
THAT IS NOT IRONY AND THAT SECOND COMMA AFTER ‘NOTE’ IS UNNECESSARY.
Sorry, I know you’re here for the bad sex, but I still have to endure the bad grammar. Seriously, this woman needs a better editor. Or she needs to be a better writer. Or she needs to stop writing.
*angrily drinks vodka Red Bull*
“As she fumbles and grows more flustered, it occurs to me that I could refine her motor skills with the aid of a riding crop.”
Here we go.
Also, I’m pretty sure that’s not medically accurate.
“What do I do to chill out? Sailing, flying, fucking ... testing the limits of attractive brunettes like her, and bringing them to heel...”
Ew.
“’That sounds like your heart talking, rather than logic and facts.’
Heart? Me? Oh no, baby. My heart was savaged beyond recognitiona long time ago.”
“I imagine fucking that mouth to distract myself from all thoughts of hunger. Yes, her mouth needs training, and I imagine her on her knees before me.”
“Although now that I think about it, I do need a new sub.”
“’Are you gay, Mr. Grey?’
What the hell!
I cannot believe she’s said that out loud! Ironically, the question even my own family will not ask. [Still not irony.] How dare she! I have a sudden urge to drag her out of her seat, bend her over my knee, spank her, and then fuck her over my desk with her hands tied behind her back. That would answer her ridiculous question.”
Okay, so after an awkward interview with constant narration by Christian’s cock, he pulls a background check on her, and it lists her BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER AND CURRENT BALANCE and her SEXUAL ORIENTATION. What the fuck kind of background check is that?
So he creeps on her at work. “I haven’t mentioned her to Flynn, and I’m glad because I’m now behaving like a stalker.”
Yes, EXACTLY LIKE ONE, in fact.
Okay so if you remember from Katie’s 50 Shades of Grey reading, Christian show’s up at Ana’s work like the creepy motherfucker he is, and then has her show him around where he picks up some bondage gear.
“’What sort [of rope] were you after? We have synthetic and natural filament rope ... twine ... cable cord...’
Shit--stop. I groan inwardly, trying to chase away the image of her suspended from the ceiling in my playroom.
‘I’ll take five yards of the natural filament rope, please.’ It’s coarser and chafes more if you struggle against it ... my rope of choice.”
Blah blah blah, Christian’s a creep, he consults his dick for all things. I think Christian’s penis is Grey’s equivalent of Anastasia’s inner goddess in 50 Shades of Grey.
“With Moby blasting in my ears...”
Wait, Moby? Christian Grey listens to Moby? Like, MOBY Moby?
... Again unexpected.
Ugh, Christian’s jogging down Salmon street. I’m disgusted by how close to my workplace that is. He’s passing a coffee place. I’ve probably been in the same coffee place as Christian Grey and that disgusts me. This book is too close to home, guys.
I’m out of vodka and red bull. Fireball whiskey and Pepsi it is.
They’re at what’s probably my favorite coffee shop, assholes, and Christian’s being a jealous ass by interrogating her about all the men in her life and whether or not she’s fucking any of them, though at this point in their relationship he’s being a bit more circumspect than that.
“Her eyes widen. They really are beautiful, the color of the ocean at Cabo, the bluest of blue seas.”
She falls into the road, Christian saves her, she smells like his grandfather’s apple orchard, the sexual tension is palpable...
“You should steer clear of me. I’m not the man for you.”
Christian Grey is moping, doing business-y business things in Sudan and Darfur, and casually mentions bribing people. And he wonders why he’s dead inside.
His assistant Olivia, whom he always refers to with disdain, brings him his lunch.
“She trembles as she puts it on my desk. Tuna salad. Okay. She hasn’t fucked this up for once.”
Seriously, why the fuck is this guy the desirable hero?
“As I shave, the asshole in the mirror stares back at me with cool, grey eyes.”
At least he’s self-aware?
Ana drunk dials Christian, and he illegally traces her cellphone for no goddamn reason besides the fact that he’s a controlling dick weasel. Also, E.L. James has not used the word “ironically” correctly once.
...Okay. Quite unexpectedly, I have some things to say in Christian Grey’s favor.
Yes, I know, I’m as shocked as you.
He defends Ana when Jose is pressuring her and she’s unable to push him off of her. He holds her hair while she pukes. He makes her drink water when she’s drunk. Though he doesn’t take her home when she passes out drunk and takes her to his hotel instead, he DOES put her to bed and removes her puke-covered clothing. Though he pulls off her jeans (because they are covered in puke), aside from one eensy lascivious thought of imagining her legs wrapped around him while he fucks her, he doesn’t ogle her or touch her in any way. He covers her up with a blanket and lets her sleep it off.
Basically, the best thing I have to say about him is that he doesn’t rape her, which is really only the basics of human decency, but considering what I remember from 50 Shades I’m kind of impressed. I mean, he still stalked her, and definitely sexually abuses her later, BUT IN THIS CASE HE DIDN’T.
Aaaaaand then he crawls in bed with her when he’s ready to sleep. DUDE YOU WERE DOING SO WELL.
Alright, I’m going to keep track of how often his cock agrees with him. And I will track this with sips of alcohol.
“Well, if you were mine you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday. You didn’t eat, you got drunk, you put yourself at risk.”
Oh my God Christian she won’t get sick from having wet hair. God, you’re worse than my mother.
Oh my god this is the most awkward, stilted banter.
“I’d like to bite that lip.”
“Sometimes it’s just fucking great to be me.”
GEE, YOU WEREN’T THINKING THAT WHEN YOU WERE CAPTAIN EMOPANTS IN CHAPTER ONE, WERE YOU? YOU STILL HAD A HELICOPTER THEN, WHY IS IT SO GREAT NOW, ASSHOLE.
Guys it’s not fair I want a helicopter.
“Her hair is beautiful. Lush. Long. Thick. Idly, I wonder what it would be like to braid.”
Christian Grey: Businessman. Dom. Hair dresser?
“Laters, baby.”
It’s Christian’s brother that says this, and it’s repulsive.
EW AND THEN CHRISTIAN SAYS IT TO WHY WHY WHY WOULD YOU REPEAT THAT HIDEOUS PHRASE
“I’ll fuck her in time.
I’ll fuck her bound and with her smart mouth gagged.”
Okay, that’s all I can take for tonight, guys. I’m not even to the worst parts yet, but-
Did you notice how the Psycho-style violins kicked in the minute he started kissing her? I thought the warning violin screeches were amusingly appropriate! "STOP KISSING HIM. HE WILL MURDER YOU."
Yep. It seemed to be building to the reveal that the Sex Dungeon was full of dead girlfriends. I'm still not 100% convinced that it's not going to turn out to be.
OK, it's not that long an explanation. I basically took on too many projects this year, and given that the others were all either really really important (my MA in Museum Studies) or had other people depending on me (planning a massive LARP event and producing a show for the Buxton Fringe), this blog - a personal thing - had to be the thing to give. I did miss doing it, but I just didn't have the time or the spoons to give it the attention it needed.
BUT! Many of my projects are now completed, and now I'm only (only) doing my MA dissertation, a volunteering post and (possibly) planning another small LARP event. So the answer is YES, I plan to return to this, and to attempt a regular posting schedule to make up for my absence.
Really sorry for the radio silence. Looking forward to coming back!
What books have you read/are currently reading, and to you have any future books lined up?
Good question!
I (monsterthalia) am currently reading Fifty Shades Darker primarily, and The Tournament (Elizabeth I on a murderchess road trip!), The Mask of Troy (THE BORINGEST BOOK EVER) and The Book of the Dead (DIOGENES PENDERGAST: DIAMOND SMASHER) for some variety when I just can't take Ana and Christian and their horrible horrible ways any more.
Jackietastic is reading Through the Cradle of Fear, but also does a lot of romance one-offs, when something truly ludicrous catches her eye. Like the dino porn.
In future? I'll do Fifty Shades Freed, of course, and probably whatever other ludicrous/awesome adventure archaeology catches my eye, and Jackietastic will probably keep up with the romances, though I'm trying to persuade her to do a Matthew Reilly book.
If you have any recommendations, do let us know, we'll either get to them in future or may be able to squeeze them in earlier.
Is it weird that the thing that I found most jarring and bizarre about the last 50 shades review was the idea of someone trying to do a figure skating move off some gymnastics equipment? Is that even possible? Is this even a relevant question? Have I become over-exposed to the insanity that is 50 shades?
For the record, tonight I shall be drinking the uber "classy" 'PEACH AMORE', aka the only kind of peach schnapps stocked in Newcastle Tescos. And because I am as classy as Peach Amore, I will be drinking it neat. Possibly from the bottle. Because tonight I must face up to the fact that...
THE STORY SO FAR!: Christian and Ana are back together. They weren't even apart for two fucking chapters. And they're having such vanilla sex they even remember to put the chicken back in the fridge with a plate on top whilst they do it.
Life is pain.
OH MY FUCKING GOD.
OK, so I was reading it and seeing what happened on the first few pages of the chapter, because it was pretty standard and, well, boring. Christian once again implored Ana never to leave him, and she said she wouldn't, and he was happy. He found the Charlie Tango balloon under her pillow (where she has been sleeping with it to COMFORT HER IN HIS ABSENCE, ugh) and was happier. They sat around eating noodles talking about how she's pissed he bought her company and he couldn't give less of a fuck and blah blah blah LONG STORY SHORT, Ana mentions they have some ice-cream in the freezer, and of course this gives Christian an IDEA. For SEXY TIMES.
'Oh fucking my. I think my lower jaw is on the floor... Desire, dark, sleek, and wanton runs hot through my veins. We're going to have fun, with food.'
I
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER IT'S HOW SERIOUS AND INTENSE HER INNER MONOLOGUE USUALLY IS
OR HOW SHE DECLARES IT LIKE IT'S A REVELATION AND NOT SOMETHING THAT A) HAS BEEN BLEEDINGLY OBVIOUS FOR THREE PAGES AND B) IS PRETTY COMMON PRACTICE
OR THAT SHE PHRASES IT LIKE AN ART ATTACK MAKE
BUT
I AM DYING OVER HERE
oh ana never change, I'd have so much less to write about
So Christian and Ana go to the bedroom (bom chicka wow wow kicking in) and Christian announces his intention to tie her to the bed. She whispers "OK" throughout, which, I honestly can't tell if is from nervousness or she is aroused into mediocrity. Christian turns on her bedside lamp, and we get a weird critique of energy saving bulbs, because, honestly, that's what everyone has in mind right now??
'My room is shrouded in darkness except for the soft, insipid light from my lamp. Normally I hate energy saving bulbs - they are so dim -'
Huh. Ana hates things that are soft, insipid and dim? Well, that explains a lot of her self-esteem issues.
Christian ties her hands above her head, and strips so that he is naked, and honestly, now that I'm picturing Jamie Dornan in the role I am so conflicted. Jackietastic and I will undoubtedly go see this movie so none of you have to and there will be one consolation to get me through. Actually, two. The first is that my local cinema lets you take in alcohol. The second is:
In many ways, I too am a soft, insipid energy saving bulb.
'My inner goddess is doing a triple axel dismount off the uneven bars.'
My, Timon, you've gotten limber.
(I have no gifs of Timon. This feels like an appropriate substitute.)
Reading the ice-cream sexiness that follows, there's nothing groundbreaking. Christian gets no points for creativity. It just, you know, gets a bit weird, as Christian has a tendency to do when he relaxes and just lets any old words come out of his mouth.
'"Do you know how much you mean to me?" he breathes against my ear.
"No," I gasp.
He smiles against my neck, and his fingers curl around my jaw and throat, holding me fast for a moment."'
'
'"Yes, you do. I'm not going to let you go." I groan as he picks up speed. "You are mine, Anastasia."'
'
'"Yes, yours," I pant.
"I take care of what's mine," he hisses and bites my ear.
I cry out.
"That's right, baby, I want to hear you."'
Just. Argh. I have nothing new to say. I shall just keep moving and drinking. Oh wait, one last thing -
'... and on cue, like the sorcerer's apprentice I am, I let go, and we find our release together.'
What fucking weird ass version of Fantasia did SHE watch as a kid?? Is... there some subtext to this that I'm missing? I know all of Fantasia is really fucking weird, but I'd have assumed that if she was going to make a reference, she'd refer to that bizarre interlude with the sexy racist centaurs.
No, wait, no, let's get some analysis all up in here. I've drunk enough schnapps for this to feel like a good idea. First off, Mickey puts on the hat.
The obvious idea here would be that the Hat is a Penis. Pause for obligatory reference -
- carrying on, but given that Ana is labelling herself the 'sorcerer's apprentice', this shall be approached from the perspective of female sexuality. The Hat could also be a vagina, after all. So, Mickey begins to learn about the potential power of his sexuality - cue obvious orgasm imagery -
- and uses this to set some, ahem, WOODEN BROOMS to do his bidding. PHALLIC, HELLO.
But then this gets out of hand, and they flood the place, and the lesson is - um - don't use your sexuality too much, lest you be overrun by... unstoppable wood and fluids everywhere?
Welp, I can never look at Fantasia the same way again. I legit just asked myself, "Nah, it couldn't really be a story about budding sexuality", till I remembered - it's Disney. EVERYTHING is about budding sexuality.
WOW THAT WAS A LONG ASIDE. I hope you all learned something. Even if it's just never to listen to my attempts at analysis. BACK TO THE BOOK.
Ana has a bad dream about the weird girl who looked just like her, and this prompts us to get some exposition about who she is - a potentially suicidal ex-sub of Christian's. Jesus, Ana, this should really be setting off alarm bells. Especially when he's really reluctant to talk about it and keeps trying to distract her with sex instead. Because that's totally healthy.
But they do, of course, do the sex again. And in the morning. And they ALMOST do it YET AGAIN after yet another heated argument about her fucking car and whether or not he can buy her a new one and money in general, because clearly they have come to associate their troublesome repetitive arguments with foreplay in a Pavlovian response kind of way, but are interrupted by - alack! - literally, a lack of condoms. Hey, I thought it was funny.
They go out for breakfast, he takes her to a salon (which he owns, natch) to get her hair cut, and who is there as a technician but - DUN DUN DUUUUN - MRS ROBINSON. You know, the woman who taught Christian all his kinky sexy ways, supposedly - rather, put a gimp mask on over a whole hot bed of issues and taught him to be a dom in the worst possible way. UGH.
Christian doesn't say "Oh shit, that's Mrs Robinson, this is awkward", of course. Ana just guesses it when Christian scuttles off to intercept her. 'Spidey sense? my subconscious snorts. Pedo sense.'
I don't know why, but Ana's constant judginess of Mrs Robinson reaaally pisses me off.
Ana gets all upset and stomps off down the sidewalk. Christian comes after her, they blah blah blah about it ("DO YOU TAKE ALL YOUR SUBS THERE?" "WELL OBVS" "SO MRS R MET THEM ALL" "WELL OBVS" "DID THEY KNOW ABOUT HER" "NO BABY NO ONLY YOOUUU" "FUCK YOU I WANNA GET A HAIRCUT), but get interrupted by a phone call from someone called 'Welch'. Ana's barely listening, and neither am I, till,
'"Killed in a car crash? When?"'
'"Leila left her husband about three months ago and ran off with a guy who was killed in a car accident four weeks ago."'
'"Anastasia, Leila is obviously suffering a psychotic break. I don't know if it's you or me she's after, or what lengths she's prepared to go to."'
He wants her to come back to his apartment where he can keep her safe, she just REALLY WANTS TO GET A HAIRCUT, OK, so he's all "I swear to god I will pick you up and carry you there" and she's like "YOU WOULDN'T" seriously Ana you've met the guy right
Yup, Christian Grey carries her away down the street, she swats at him and no-one appears to call the goddamn cops, sigh, and suddenly she twigs - something has happened. She demands he tell her, and the truth comes out.
'"[Leila] managed to obtain a concealed weapons permit yesterday."
[...] "That means she can buy a gun," I whisper.'
I think that's an appropriate place to call it a night. Because, ladies and gentlemen, even though it's not the end of a chapter -
The Tournament would be p. cool but looks like 50 Shades beat me to the punch xD oh well. I do have a request though: Masterposts of the longer escapades (links to all the 50 Shades posts in order, for example) would be majorly awesome, if y'all ever have the spare time to do it. <3
I'll do another Tournament review next, I promise :) And a masterpost is a great idea! I may compile one THIS VERY EVENING!
I Read Terrible Things @ireadterriblethings - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
