buried child

make me a bird so i can fly

[iremember]

update - want to let anyone who is still following me know that i am starting the pre-doctoral program at Yale this June

[dollentia]

i have been a ghost since i was a child, i don’t know how to turn myself into a person

[iremember]

I want to go back on lithium. I miss lithium so much.

[fuckyeahgaiman]

“I think hell is something you carry around with you. Not somewhere you go.”

— Neil Gaiman (via lastlifeinuniverse)

[iremember]

an update

it's been a long time. i won't ever delete this blog, because it serves as a record and because i may need to use it to process things as my life continues.

i finished my undergraduate degree, finally, and decided to go on to graduate school. i had ECT in 2018 and it transformed me. i still have nightmares on most nights and wake up screaming, but this is normal for me. 24 years on from the trauma, and i still map out exits, lock bathroom doors, and need benzodiazepines for any doctor's office trip. in september of 2022, one of the worst things imaginable happened--i had ovarian torsion, and because of ptsd that reacts violently to being put in medical settings i chalked the horrific pain up to ovulation, and avoided the emergency room for 3 days until i was bleeding into my abdomen and had a fever. once there, i was inconsolable. i was asked to do a swab for syphilis because they suspected pelvic inflammatory disease. at the age of 26, my mom had to hold me and explain to the ER physician everything. then after ct scans and ultrasounds, i was told they needed to do emergency surgery. the first thing i asked was if i needed a c*theter and when they said yes under anesthesia during surgery i blacked out and when i woke up the surgery was over and the first thing i asked all drugged up was if they removed it, before i gained any real consciousness. my right ovary and fallopian tube had both died and needed to be removed. i had 2 cysts on either ovary that were removed. in the weeks and months that followed, i developed an onset of OCD that crossed the line between obsession and delusion. i obsessed over getting cancer and being in a medical setting long term. i ingested nothing that i perceived to be carcinogenic. i woke my parents up at 3am sobbing. then in december '22, i had to taper off lithium because my kidney function was declining. panic ensued, my boyfriend almost broke up with me because i was in a state of near delusion almost every waking moment. i developed confession OCD, real-event OCD, and had to see a specialist. i became agitated. i felt like i was dying. i harmed myself (once, in a panic) for the first time in several years. i reminded the people around me, without trying, what ptsd looks like.

i bought a plane ticket with saved-up money to visit my boyfriend in his hometown of auckland, new zealand, so that i had something to look forward to and something to focus on. i poured everything into applying for graduate school. at the moment, july of 2023, i have fifteen acceptances.

in general, now, i feel like i'm the most intellectually and emotionally sound i've ever been in my life. i no longer experience that ptsd rage that i so deeply exhibited on this blog from time to time. i'll continue this blog, updating it to reflect where i am now in this lifelong process.

be well.

[iremember]

had emergency surgery on friday to remove my entire right ovary/fallopian tube with cyst, and 3 cysts on my left ovary. was put under for 2 hours; cathed. i wonder how i will begin processing this.

[quietvoiced]

[thingsfromthedirt]

[ojibwa]

[iremember]

december 2021. just to say hi, and i am here from time to time....

[iremember]

2021 update

it's been so long. so long since i first disclosed my trauma in 2015 and then endured years of going off the rails because of it.

i'm about to graduate college at 25. i am writing a thesis that involves a gallery exhibition of a medieval manuscript alongside a longform lyric essay.

i got my heart broken last month and survived. i started to progress with my vaginismus. i won a major poetry prize in 2020. i have a poem getting published next month. i interned at a prestigious literary magazine and had my heart filled and broken by my supervisor. my thesis committee believes in me. i received a research grant. for me living with ptsd is similar to living with diabetes, like my dad. it is there, it will always be there, it needs maintenance, but i live alongside it. i accept this. i haven't been hospitalized in almost 4 years after ECT.

[heavensghost]

Olivia Gatwood, from Life of the party

[iremember]

how it's going. i'm still here. the work never ends. i have unlearned so much, learned so much, relearned many things, and will never stop. i have come to understand that i can never "get rid" or "get over" IT, but i can really try to work to live next to it and learn how to deal most efficiently with the effects. i miss the people that i used to speak to on here. i'm not gone.

[traumacope]

10/21/20

[heavensghost]

Clementine Von Radics

[iremember]

hi

[iremember]

my facebook- https://www.facebook.com/marissa.perez.35513

my instagram- https://www.instagram.com/lingercranberries/

please add me if you want to stay in touch!