Holding a Grudge Part 2 | Alessia Russo
Summary: After Y/n's talk with Alessia, the two begin to form a friendship, but things get complicated for Y/n when old feelings began to rise up again.
The next morning, Y/n awoke to the sound of her alarm blaring. She groaned as she pushed the duvet aside, stretching her arms above her head and extending her legs, opening her eyes. Then, she performed the same routine she did every early morning:
She sat up, swung her legs over the side of the bed and pushed herself to a standing position. It had become the foolproof way for her to get up and out of bed on dark mornings without any time to think about how much she'd rather stay under the covers.
As she went through the motions of her morning routine (shower, style hair, put on training gear, brush teeth, pack bag), Y/n began to feel a little nervous about the day ahead of her. The last time everyone had seen her, she had screamed at a fellow teammate before storming out of her other teammates' house, and then proceeded to miss a day of training under her captain's orders. It had the potential to be awkward at best and intimidating at worst.
Y/n drove into the Training Centre at 8 am. The nerves were still there, but, more importantly, she was ravenous. She made her way to the canteen, where she plated herself up scrambled eggs and toast, before grabbing a tub of fruit. She sat down at an empty table by the windows and picked up a strawberry. Before it had even reached her lips, the chair opposite her was pulled out, and Kim, who had appeared seemingly out of nowhere, set down her tray and took a seat.
"Well?" she asked. "How'd it go yesterday with Less?"
"Good," she replied simply, popping the strawberry into her mouth.
"Good? Y/n, the last time I saw you, you were screaming in her face while she was already crying. You're going to need to give me more than good."
Y/n sighed. She should have known better than to give a one-word answer.
"It went well. Genuinely well. She invited me in, and we talked about everything. I ended up staying there and keeping her company until the evening."
Kim's eyes widened at the last part.
"Well, I wasn't expecting that."
"Honestly, neither was I."
"And you're not planning to be disrespectful to her when she returns?"
She shook her head. "No, absolutely not. Also, she's planning to come back today."
"She is? But she said she'd stay off until the game."
"I think being stuck at home alone with nothing to do is making things worse for her," Y/n explained. "She needs distraction, not to be sat on the couch half-watching the TV while she asks herself why she wasn't enough for that asshole."
Kim sat back at that and thought about her words for a moment before responding.
"Y/n, I can't believe I'm saying this, but, for once, I have to say that I very much agree with your thoughts on Alessia. You're correct. She needs her community. Maybe now you can be a part of it."
Maybe I can, she thought.
Breakfast was followed by a tactical meeting to discuss plans for the weekend match against Man United. Halfway through the meeting, Jonas called Alessia to the front of the room.
"Alessia and I were chatting last week about her former team, and I think she should tell you what she knows about each player's style of play and what we need to look out for."
Alessia, who still looked physically and emotionally exhausted, seemed taken aback by this, but she began to calmly go through her memories of the players. As Y/n listened to her, really listened, she started to realise just how observant she was. Alessia knew every strength and weakness of all her former teammates. She knew how they'd plan to defend against Arsenal, what tricks they could try, what would drain their energy, and how they could throw them off.
"So, I think if we keep these things in mind, we'll be in with a good shot at winning," she said, giving her teammates a half-smile.
After the meeting, the team headed to the changing rooms to put their boots on and get ready for a practice match. They quickly headed out onto the pitch and began to play. So far, Y/n hadn't spoken much to her other teammates. She could tell by the looks that some of them were giving her, particularly Katie, Caitlin, Leah and Lotte, that they weren't thrilled to see her. She wondered what she could do to reassure them that things between her and Alessia were okay. As they walked back into the changing room, she found an opportunity. While she was taking her inhaler, Katie spoke up in front of the group.
"Less, your analysis of United's playing style was pure class," Katie said, putting her arm around her shoulder. "Wasn't she great?"
"I think after that they'd better watch out," Leah joked. "Seriously, Less, your attention to detail in each player's style is incredible."
"Thanks, Lee," she smiled.
"Yeah, I agree," Y/n spoke up. She felt Leah tense beside her, expecting her words to be sarcastic. The others exchanged worried glances at each other.
"No, genuinely, I do," she clarified. "I didn't realise how knowledgeable you were about United. It really boosted my confidence for the game."
Alessia looked surprised at her words.
"Thanks, Y/n. That means a lot."
They spent an hour in the gym before heading to the showers before lunch. As she was sitting alone putting her clothes back on, Leah sat down beside her in a towel.
"So, what's with your words of praise for Less today?" she asked.
Y/n shrugged. "I spent the day at hers yesterday. We talked. Made up."
"Kim suggested, or, well, forced me to apologise. She told me Alessia would be at home and gave me her address. I went over, we chatted about what happened back then and what's happened since, and then I just kept her company. You know, cause of the break-up."
"Wow. That's- That's not something I ever expected. Although I'm glad it happened, especially after Tuesday. You know, I never knew that story about you coming out to her. I asked you so many times what your problem was with her, and you never gave me an answer. I never thought I'd find out by you screaming the truth at her in front of us all."
Y/n sighed. "Yeah, me neither. Beth and Viv were the only ones who knew."
"Wait. Beth and Viv knew, and I didn't? How?"
"Beth invited me over for dinner a couple of weeks ago. She asked me about it, and I think in that moment I realised I needed to tell someone. I'd never told anyone that story before in my life. For 11 years, I'd sat in the shame of her reaction. I think that's why I exploded on Tuesday."
Leah nodded. "Makes sense. So, what's up with you two then?"
Leah shrugged. "I mean, today is the first time I've heard you say something nice to her. I'm just wondering what your relationship is now."
"Well, I understand her better now. And I- I think I could forgive her. I mean, don't get me wrong, it still hurts to think about, but I don't see the same person when I look at her as I did two days ago."
"That's a very big change. Was that just from talking to her?"
"Well, go on," she urged her.
"After we talked, we matched a movie. She fell asleep towards the end. I went into her bedroom, 'cause I remembered overhearing her say she had a bookshelf in her room, and I figured I could pass the time by reading. At that point, I was already feeling different about things, but still confused as to how exactly I felt. Then I saw a photo on her dresser. It was a Colts team photo from the month before I came out to her...All these years, I'd been so focused on the fact that I was just a kid when I was told that who I was wasn't okay, that I forgot to remember that she was also a kid. I told her I saw it before I left. She said she was influenced by other people's opinions. It makes sense. I mean, who isn't at that age? So, I want to get to know Alessia the woman instead of staying angry at Alessia the child who didn't know any better."
Leah took a swig of the water bottle in her backpack.
"You know, Y/n. That might be the realest shit you've ever said. I'm glad you and Less talked. I always thought you two would really get on if you just got over whatever your issue with her was. Maybe you'll be besties now," she teased.
Y/n rolled her eyes. "Don't think you'd be too pleased about that, Williamson."
Leah squeezed her bottle until the water sprayed on Y/n's face.
"Alright, enough. Let me get dressed because I am so hungry right now."
After lunch, different players had different plans to follow. Y/n had been experiencing some tightness in her ankle on and off, so she was headed to physio for a massage. When she got there, she found that Alessia was also receiving treatment. They sat beside each other as the physios massaged her ankle and Alessia's calf, respectively. After the session, they were free to go for the day.
"You headed home?" Alessia asked her as they walked down the corridor together.
Alessia nodded back. "Same. I'm going to pack away all of Patrick's belongings and leave them outside for him to collect."
Y/n winced. "That sounds rough."
"It is, but it's what I need if I'm going to heal. Anyway, have you got any plans yourself?"
"Well, someone lent me this great book yesterday that I think I'm going to read some more of," she grinned.
Alessia smiled back at her. "That sounds like a nice plan. I was hooked on that book when I read it. I couldn't put it down."
"I read another 30 pages when I got home last night," she confessed. "You have good taste. I might have to borrow another once I'm finished."
Alessia looked into her eyes as they walked.
The United match went well, with Arsenal coming away with a 2-0 win, both goals scored by Alessia. Training became easier as she and Y/n began to form somewhat of a friendship. England camp came and went without issue, and soon enough, they were about to go on the end-of-year break.
The last day of training of the year was just meetings to discuss the plans for the next part of the season and to let players book in with the physios and nutritionists if necessary. When she was let go for the day, Y/n walked out into the car park and headed to her car. As she put her hand on the driver's side door handle, she heard a voice call out behind her.
She turned around to see Alessia walking quickly towards her.
"Oh, hey," she said as Alessia caught up to her.
"Hi, um, one sec." Alessia unzipped her bag and reached in and produced an envelope, handing it to her.
Y/n grabbed it with a confused look on her face.
"It's a Christmas card," Alessia explained. "I just, well, I wanted to say thank you for sorting things out with me. I'm glad that we get along now."
"That's really thoughtful. Thanks, Less."
"You've never called me that before."
"Well, I figured I was allowed to now."
Alessia nodded. "Yeah. You are."
"So," Y/n spoke carefully, "How are you doing, Less?"
"I'm better than I was. Lotte was spending a lot of time at mine for a while there trying to help me out with all my...emotions. But I feel like I can breathe easier now. I'm excited for next year, for a new chapter."
Alessia did genuinely appear to be doing better. For the past week or so, she had looked a lot healthier; she was lifting with more ease at the gym, and she had been laughing more. Y/n hoped that it would only continue. She liked seeing Alessia like this. It was good to see her moving on, but she still felt the need to offer some support.
"You know, if you ever need anything, I'm here," she assured her.
Alessia gave her a soft smile.
"Thank you. Actually, there is something I was debating mentioning to you."
"Oh. What's up?" she asked, leaning against her car.
"Well, you've been borrowing my books a lot."
This was true. Y/n was borrowing one book per week from Alessia at this rate.
"I was just thinking that it might be a nice idea for us to start a two-person book club. You know, since we seem to like the same style of writing. I mean, we could ask the others to join later, but I've not read since the break-up, and I'm looking for an accountability partner."
"That sounds like a great idea. I'd be more than happy to be your accountability partner."
"Cool. It's a plan then. Shall we make it a New Year's resolution?"
Alessia nodded. "I look forward to it. Um, well, I'd better go. Have a good Christmas."
"You too. Take care of yourself."
The holidays were quiet. Y/n was grateful for the time to rest. On Christmas Eve night, as she lay in her childhood bedroom, she thought back on the season so far. There had been ups and downs, but she felt that the team were doing well and she was having a good season. She also reflected on her relationships at Arsenal. She had gotten closer with the wider staff team, with some of them being people she was now, after over a year at the club, comfortable calling friends. Then there were her teammates. The year before had been all about making friends and building her connections with her fellow Lionesses in the squad. This season so far had been about growing those connections even further, not just for success on the pitch, but because she genuinely cared about them. And, of course, there was Alessia. The girl she had held a grudge over for so long was now a woman she considered a friend. She decided that for the rest of the season, she was going to make a real effort to grow that friendship in particular. They had missed out on the chance to be true friends before, so it was important that they didn't waste the opportunity now.
At 7pm on New Year's Eve, as she sat in her living room, having returned to her North London apartment, Leah texted her.
Leah: A few of us are celebrating New Year's tonight. You're coming.
Y/n: Do I not get a choice?
Leah: No. Also, Less will be there. Just saying.
Y/n furrowed her eyebrows at the message. Why was Alessia's presence at this hangout being framed as her motivation to turn up? Nevertheless, she figured that she'd better get ready.
Y/n: Let me know where you're headed.
She stepped into the bar at 9pm. Although it was a quieter spot than most of the bars in London would be tonight, it still seemed packed out with the Arsenal team and staff. Y/n figured one of her teammates must have reserved the place for them.
"Hey. Nice of you to make it," Leah said, sliding one arm around Y/n's shoulders, the other holding a bottle of beer.
"Well, it's not like I had a choice according to you."
Leah grinned. "And yet you're the last one to get here. C'mon, I saved you a seat at my table."
As they walked through the bar, Y/n noticed Alessia sitting with Lotte and Kyra. Alessia looked up as they walked past and gave Y/n a wave. Y/n waved back at her.
Leah's table, it turned out, consisted of her, Katie, Caitlin, and Lia. They chatted as a group for a while before Lia excused herself to go get another drink, and Katie and Caitlin started flirting with each other.
"Not a fan of watching a happy couple while painfully single, huh?" Leah asked.
Leah laughed. "I agree, but maybe that attitude is why we're still single."
Y/n thought about that for a moment.
"You might have a point there, Williamson."
Leah turned herself around to face Y/n.
"Alright, let's make a deal."
"This feels like a bad idea already."
"Okay, fine. What deal do you want to make?"
"Next New Year's, you and I will both be in happy, healthy, stable relationships."
Y/n scoffed. "Yeah, right. And what happens if we don't?"
"If we're both single, we have to make everyone who's happily in a relationship tease us all night. If only one of us is single, then that person will have to deal with the teasing alone."
"So the possibility of getting bullied by our teammates is our motivator?"
Leah nodded. "Yes, exactly. So, deal?" she asked, extending her arm out for Y/n to shake her hand.
Y/n looked at Leah's hand and sighed. "Fine. Deal."
The evening went on, and Y/n felt herself grow a little disappointed at how the team seemed to be sticking in their groups, not moving from their tables. She had hoped to get talking to Alessia as she had been reading a book over the holidays that she thought her friend would like and was hoping to tell her about it. As her mind drifted to the novel, she saw Alessia, head down and shoulders tensed, walk out the side door to the small outdoor seating area. She felt herself rise from the table before her brain could think too much about her actions.
"Heading somewhere?" Leah asked her, confused by her sudden movement.
"I'm going to check on Less. She seems a bit stressed."
Leah gave her a gentle smile, a look of something unreadable in her eyes.
"Oh, how times have changed."
Leah laughed and shoved her playfully.
"Go check on her then. I'm sure she'll appreciate your concern."
Y/n walked over to the door, slipping outside. The air was cool, and she immediately regretted not putting her coat on before coming out. As she shivered in the doorway, she saw Alessia sitting on a wooden bench to her right, a canopy above her sheltering her from the light drizzle of rain. Alessia looked up as she walked over.
"What are you doing out here?" Alessia asked.
Y/n shrugged, sitting down beside her.
"I saw you come out here looking a bit...stressed. I just wanted to check if you were alright."
Alessia's eyes widened slightly at her words.
"Oh. Um, I- I guess I'm okay."
Y/n raised an eyebrow at her.
"That's not a very convincing answer, Less."
"I just remembered last New Year's, and the one before that, and the one before that..."
"Are you thinking about him?" Y/n asked, careful to avoid his name in case it would hurt Alessia.
She sighed, nodding slightly.
"You know, since my late teens, I've always had a New Year's kiss, and it was always him. We were together for so long, and now I'm out here on my own, and I'm scared. I'm scared because we built something and then one day he just decided he didn't want it anymore...How am I supposed to trust anyone in the future? How am I supposed to let someone in and believe them when they say they love me and want to grow with me?"
It was Y/n's turn to sigh now. Two years ago, on New Year's Eve 2021, she had celebrated with her then-girlfriend. Although their relationship wasn't as long as Alessia's, Y/n had been convinced that they were going somewhere until she abruptly ended things the following April. Since then, Y/n hadn't had much trust in the dating world herself.
"Honestly, Less, I'm still trying to figure that one out myself," she admitted.
"I just keep seeing Katie and Caitlin in there looking all loved up, and it scares me that I don't have that anymore. I'm out here on my own for the first time as an adult."
"Maybe that's not a bad thing, Less."
"What do you mean?" Alessia asked her, a confused look on her face.
"Well, being single can help you find out a lot about yourself. When you aren't living for someone else, when you're making your decisions for yourself, you can feel empowered. I think everyone should be single at some point in their 20s."
"I suppose you're right. I just- I just miss being held sometimes," Alessia admitted shyly.
"What? What's so funny about me being touch-starved?" Alessia asked, frowning.
"C'mon Russo, bring it in."
Alessia rolled her eyes, but Y/n could see the corners of her lips lifting into a gentle smile. She leaned into Y/n, throwing an arm around her and resting her head on her shoulder. Y/n gave her a tight squeeze.
"You may be single, Less, but you'll never have to do life alone so long as you're part of this team. All those women in there want the best for you. So do I."
Alessia nuzzled her head into the crook of Y/n's neck.
"Thank you," she sighed. "I'm so glad we finally got to know each other after all these years."
Alessia removed her head from Y/n's shoulder to look at her.
"I know we're good, but I never told you how I feel about the past now. I just want you to know that I forgive you. Completely."
Alessia stared at her for a few seconds. At first, it was hard to read how she was feeling, but then Y/n saw tears forming in her eyes, her bottom lip beginning to quiver.
"That's the best end to this year I could ask for," she whispered.
The season kicked off again, and Y/n fell back into the routine that she thrived on. In addition to her usual schedule, she also met with Alessia once a week for their two-person book club. As they had some weekday evening matches, they didn't have a set time to meet each week; instead, once they had both confirmed they were finished, they would either hang out in one or the other's apartment or sit in a coffee shop after training. Y/n liked having something in her weekly routine that didn't involve football. It was nice to have something that was simply a hobby that she could also share with a friend.
January was long, but eventually it passed, and February began. Y/n walked through the doors to the Training Centre on Thursday the 8th with determination. Today was Alessia's birthday, and she wanted to be the first to hand her a gift. As she walked into the canteen with the gift bag in her hand, she spotted Alessia by the toaster. She made a beeline for her.
"Hey!" she greeted her, smiling.
Alessia turned around to face her.
Y/n lifted the gift bag up.
"Happy birthday, Less," she grinned.
"Oh," Alessia said, eyes widening and her eyebrows raised, "Is that - Did you get me a present?"
Y/n nodded. "Yeah. Of course I did."
Alessia accepted the gift bag.
"Thank you. This is so sweet, Y/n. I really wasn't expecting this."
Just then, her toast popped up. Alessia plated it up along with the rest of the food on her plate.
"I'll save you a seat beside me," she smiled as she turned to walk away.
Y/n sat down beside her with her breakfast a few minutes later. Beth and Viv were sitting opposite them.
"So, who has already given you a present before 9 am?" Beth asked teasingly.
Beth sounded surprised by this revelation.
"What?" Alessia asked. "You know we're friends."
Beth nodded as she looked between them with an unreadable expression on her face. "Yeah, you sure are."
Y/n was confused by her reaction, but she shrugged it off.
Alessia glanced at Y/n, as if asking for permission to open her gifts.
She started with the card. Y/n had picked out an Arsenal card, partly as a joke, and partly to remind her of what she said at New Year's about the team having her back. Inside, she wrote a few simple lines expressing how she felt about thier friendship.
To Less,
I'm so honoured to be celebrating your birthday with you after all these years. I hope your day is as wonderful as you (and I'm sure it will be since you're stuck at training with all of us :) ). Thank you for being such an amazing friend and book club partner.
Next, Alessia picked up a small package and unwrapped it to reveal a glass bookmark with pressed flowers.
"Oh, this is beautiful, Y/n."
She pulled out the other package which was bigger and unwrapped it to reveal 3 books.
"I had a look to see if there were any books that matched your taste that you'd not yet read that we could add to the list. I got myself copies too."
"I'm so excited for book club tonight," Alessia grinned at her.
Beth and Viv exchanged a glance with each other.
"Book club?" Beth asked. "You two are going to the same book club? I didn't know this."
"Babe..." Viv whispered almost cautiously.
Alessia giggled. "It's fine. We, well, we're actually the only two members."
Beth's eyebrows practically raised past her hairline at that.
Viv suddenly became very interested in the scrambled egg left on her plate.
"So, I was wanting to get into a proper reading routine this year, so I asked Y/n to start a book club with me. Every week we choose a book to read, and then we meet up the following week to discuss it. It's been going really well."
"Right, well, that's- that's-"
"Lovely," Viv spoke up. "It's really lovely that you two get to share your love of reading with each other."
"Yep," Beth nodded. "That's what I was going to say."
A few hours later, Y/n was sitting with Alessia on their lunch break when Lotte came through the door holding a cake with lit candles on top. Their teammates around them started singing happy birthday, and Y/n watched Alessia's face as her eyes lit up and her smile grew wide on her face. Lotte set the cake down on the table, and the others walked over and stood around.
"Alright, Less, it's time to make a wish," Leah announced.
"Not that you need to wish for everything because you're already living your dream by being in a team with us," Kyra joked.
Alessia threw her head back, laughing at that. Y/n watched as her eyes sparkled, as she giggled softly, a gentle blush creeping up her cheeks. She stared at her as she lifted her hands and moved her stray hairs behind her ears, leaning down and blowing out the candles before looking back up at her teammates and grinning.
Y/n felt a strange warmth spread throughout her body as she watched. Her heartbeat sped up slightly, and she felt the smile on her own face growing just looking at her.
Alessia's eyes were so blue, her blonde hair so soft, her hands so gentle. Her laugh was infectious. It was sweet in the way only she could be.
As Lotte produced a knife and began to cut the cake into slices, Y/n began to panic. She recognised this feeling. She'd felt it before, all those years ago at Cliffe Woods Colts.
No, she thought. I don't. I can't. This isn't real.
Here she was, over 11 years later, crushing on Alessia Russo once again.
Her hand shook as she knocked on Alessia's door that evening. Alessia opened the door and led her to the couch, her copy of the book of the week already sitting on the coffee table.
"Well, I don't know about you, but I was obsessed with this one," Alessia grinned at her.
They began their discussion, and Y/n tried her best not to think about the revelation she'd had at lunchtime, which was hard because Alessia was right beside her and, the more she looked at her, the more she listened to her talk, the more they looked into each other's eyes, the more Y/n could feel herself spiralling. Her heart rate had increased, and she was trying to hide the shake in her hands and how clammy she was getting. She was almost relieved when she got up to leave.
Just a few more seconds and I'll be downstairs, and I'll not have to think about this until tomorrow, she thought to herself.
"Oh, actually, I wanted to ask you something," Alessia began.
"Do you have Valentine's plans?" she asked, smiling.
Y/n felt a sense of doom at whatever was coming next. She shook her heaad, not able to get out a simple "no".
"Well, then, you're coming over, and I'm making you dinner."
Y/n swallowed and forced herself to respond, her throat threntening to tighten as she did.
"Less, you don't have to do that."
"You're right, I don't, but I want to. I don't want to be alone with my thoughts on Valentine's and you've been so supportive since the break up, plus you're also single, so I would like to do this for you."
Y/n nodded quickly. "Okay, sure."
Alessia smiled. "Great. I'll let you know a time next week then."
For the whole 6 days until Valentine's, Y/n couldn't get Alessia off her mind. It didn't help that they were constantly around each other at work. She couldn't believe she had managed to start falling for her straight friend that she'd crushed on over a decade ago. It was embarrassing, and she cursed herself for it over and over.
She thought about telling Leah and allowing her to provide some of her wisdom, but the thought of saying the words out loud made her panic, and this wasn't something she wanted to send in a text.
Wednesday rolled around, and she found herself back at Alessia's door. They'd decided on Monday that they'd double up Valentine's and book club this evening, planning to discuss the book after dinner.
Alessia greeted her with a hug and insisted she sit down until dinner was ready. Once she had finished cooking, Alessia set down two bowls of a pasta and sausage dish along with a bowl of parmesan and sat opposite her.
"I hope you like it," she said shyly.
Y/n tried to distract herself from how adorable she found this by scooping up some parmesan and sprinkling it over the dish. Then, she lifted up her fork and twirled some of the spaghetti around it, stabbing a piece of sausage before bringing it to her mouth.
It was full of flavour and everything tasted like it was cooked to perfection.
"Oh, wow, Less. This is gorgeous!"
Alessia blushed slightly.
"Thanks. I'm so glad you approve. And thanks for agreeing to this. I really like having you over here, and it's really nice to share Valentine's with someone new."
"Uh, yeah. Yeah, no problem. I'm glad to be here."
"So," Y/n said, digging her fork back into the bowl, "How are you doing today? Has it been okay? It must be hard to have just celebrated your first birthday after the break-up and have Valentine's the next week."
"I was worried about last week and today, but, honestly, I've been so focused on the love that I do have and the people currently in my life that I haven't had much time to feel sad. On Thursday, I woke up and thought about all the times we'd celebrated my birthday together, and I felt really, really alone. But then I went to training, and the second I walked into the canteen, Kim hugged me, and then you came in with that gift bag, and then Lotte walked in at lunch with the cake, and I just thought to myself that I'm so lucky to have so much platonic love in my life. So I think I'm okay being single today, because I don't feel like I'm missing something in the way I was back then in November. It doesn't hurt the same anymore. I'm healing, slowly, but I'm definitely healing."
Y/n nodded. "I'm glad to hear that."
She continued on with the rest of the evening, trying not to think about the fact that with each passing moment she was falling even further.
Time moved on, and Y/n found herself growing more and more frustrated by the feelings she had for Alessia. She distracted herself as much as possible when alone and tried not to look at Alessia too often when they were around each other. She wondered how she could get over it, wondered if it might just be a fleeting interest that would die out soon or whether she'd need to work to get over it. One thing she promised herself, though, was that, no matter what, she was not going to tell anyone how she felt.
It all came to a head in April.
She went to England camp in late March. They had 2 Euros qualifying matches in early April, the first against Sweden at home, and the second against Ireland in Dublin. Y/n liked England camp. It was a way to test herself, a way to reconnect with her international teammates, and reminded her that there was more to football than Arsenal. The match against Sweden ended in a frustrating draw, and then the team had a few days before they had to head to Dublin.
The evening before they left for Dublin, the team arranged a games night. Y/n was sitting watching her teammates come in, but there was no sign of Alessia.
Leah walked over to the table that Ella was sitting at.
"Where's your other half, Tooney?"
Ella laughed then turned turned serious.
"Okay, so, Less isn't coming."
"What do you mean she's not coming?" Leah asked. "I told you all tonight was game night, and there needed to be a very good reason for not showing up."
Ella grinned. "Well, she does have a pretty good reason."
Lotte, who had walked over, raised her eyebrows.
"And that would be?" she asked.
"So, Less and I were having a conversation the other night about how it's been over 5 months since she and Patrick broke up. I asked her if she'd like to put herself back out there, and she said she wasn't ready for a relationship yet, but she did feel like there were things she'd missed out on with being in a relationship for her entire adult life."
"Things?" Lotte asked, confused.
"One-night stands," Leah stated.
Ella nodded. "Yeah. So, I set up a profile for her the other night and, well, she's away to meet a guy tonight," she grinned.
Y/n felt her heart sink. She felt sweaty all of a sudden, and her chest began to tighten. She got up, grabbed a bottle of water and started chugging it.
"You alright there, Y/l/n?" Leah asked her.
She nodded. "Yeah. Never better. Right, so, what game do I need to beat you at?"
The evening was painfully slow, and Y/n struggled to concentrate on any of the games. She tossed and turned for 2 hours until she couldn't anymore. Unable to get the thought of what Alessia was doing with someone else out of her head, she went on a walk around the hotel spa. Then, she walked around the various floors. After what must have been 3 hours, she went back to her room. Finally, sometime after 5 am, she fell asleep.
The next morning, she walked down to breakfast in a daze and was met with a sight that put her off her food before she'd even had the chance to plate it up. Alessia was sitting with Ella, Leah, Beth, and Lotte, who were all teasing her about the previous night. She forced herself to find some food and sat opposite Lucy Bronze and Lauren James.
"Are you okay?" Lucy asked, noticing her demeanour.
"Fine, thanks," she responded, lifting up a spoonful of cereal.
"You look a little down, Y/n," Lauren said. "And you also looked down last night. Are you sure everything's alright?"
"I'm sure. Never better."
Lauren and Lucy exchanged a glance with each other before deciding to drop the questioning, much to Y/n's relief.
The flight to Dublin was quick. When they reached the hotel, they went straight to lunch, followed by a meeting and last-minute prep for tomorrow's game. After dinner, Y/n had planned to go back up to her room and try to find something to distract herself from her thoughts about Alessia, when she noticed someone staring at her from across the bar.
She was beautiful. Long, dark hair and tanned skin, a collection of tattoos on her forearm, and a tight black dress.
Y/n walked over and sat in the seat beside her.
"Hey, I'm Y/n", she said, reaching her hand out.
The woman smiled, shaking her hand. "I know. I recognised you."
Y/n grinned. "So, what about you?"
"Yeah, what's your name? What's your backstory? What brings ou here this evening?"
She laughed. "Wow, you're really interested in knowing all of that?"
"I'm Camila. I work in marketing. I'm from Barcelona, but I've lived here for the past five years. And, I'm here because I was supposed to have a date with a woman I met at another bar last week, but it looks like she'd stood me up."
"Well," Y/n said, turning towards her further. "I think she made a terrible mistake."
The rest of the night went by in a blur of lust. She kissed Camila at the bar, then took her up to their room, where they had sex, and she stayed the night. In the morning, before Y/n had to meet the team for breakfast, she sneaked Camila out of her room.
Or, at least she tried to sneak her out.
Unfortunately for her, Leah happened to open her door just as they shared a kiss goodbye.
"Okay, what the hell was that?" Leah grinned, shoving her. "Did you have a one-night stand?"
Y/n forced a smile, but she could tell it didn't reach her eyes.
"Yeah. Just needed some fun."
Leah's grin turned into a frown as she studied her face.
She nodded, then spoke the same words she had to Lauren and Lucy.
She entered the changing room before the match with a determination to win. As she got changed into her kit, Alessia came over and started getting changed beside her.
"Hey," she smiled. "I haven't seen much of you the past few days."
Alessia blushed. "Um, yeah, uh, it was alright," she frowned.
"That's a great review, Russo."
Alessia shuffled awkwardly and she took off her T-shirt.
"Okay, whatever. What about you? Have I missed anything interesting?"
Y/n nodded. "Well, I followed in your footsteps last night."
"You slept with someone?"
Y/n nodded. "Yeah, a woman who'd been stood up at the hotel bar. It was good. Really good."
Alessia adjusted her shirt.
"You didn't strike me as the type to have sex with a stranger," she admitted.
"Well, you didn't strike me as one either."
Alessia shrugged. "Fair point. Okay, enough about our sex lives, let's get ready to crush McCabe."
And crush her, they did. The Lionesses came away with a 2-0 win, but Y/n wasn't feeling very thrilled. She walked around shaking the hands of the Irish players.
"What's with the long face?" Katie asked. "Thought you'd be delighted at beating us."
She shrugged. "Just distracted."
Katie squeezed her bicep. "Something's not right with you. I can tell."
Katie shook her head. "You're aren't."
Leah walked up and hugged Katie from behind.
"Guess who?" she laughed.
"For feck's sake, you've beaten us, and now you have to do this too?" Katie teased her.
"Don't act like you don't love your English teammate."
Katie rolled her eyes. "How are you?"
"Good. Missed you these past couple of weeks, though."
"Well, I'm glad one of you is good."
Leah raised her eyebrows.
"This one's claiming she's fine, but she doesn't look it."
"Yeah, she's right, you've seemed a little off these past few days."
"Well, I certainly wasn't off last night. At least not according to the sexy Spaniard that was in my bed."
Katie and Leah's mouths fell open.
"Anyway, gotta go," she said, turning and leaving her friends to process what she'd just told them.
That night, Y/n struggled to sleep again. She looked up the hotel's website and discovered that the pool was open 24/7. She got up out of bed, pulled on a sports bra and shorts, and headed downstairs.
She swam for a while before getting out and sitting on the edge of the pool. Water dripped from her hair into the pool.
"Thought I'd find you here."
Y/n turned around to see Leah standing behind her.
"How did you know I left my room?"
Leah sat down beside her, putting her legs in the water.
"Because I know you can't stay in bed when you can't sleep. And I know something's up with you, so I doubted you'd sleep easily."
"You know a little too much about me, Williamson," she sighed.
"I do. In fact, I think I know what's up with you."
Y/n felt her heart rate speed up again.
"Y/n, it's Less. Isn't it?"
Y/n stared at the water, afraid to meet Leah's eyes, afraid to do anything that would make this real.
"I- I don't like her. Not like that."
Leah sighed, leaning back on her elbows, still looking at Y/n.
"You almost had a panic attack when Tooney said she was with a man the other night. And then you hooked up with someone last night. I know you, Y/n. I know you haven't had sex since your last relationship ended. I know you don't sleep with strangers. You were trying to distract yourself from what Less was doing the night before by getting some action yourself."
Y/n pushed her wet fringe out of her face and wiped away the water on her cheeks. She looked up at the ceiling.
"She was my crush," she confessed, looking back at Leah.
"Was?" Leah asked, clearly confused.
"When I was younger. When I came out to her, I did so by telling her I liked a girl. Lee, she was the girl."
"I didn't expect forgiving her and becoming her friend to cause those feelings to come back, but they did."
"How long have you felt these feelings?"
"Since her birthday. So, two months now. I was watching her react to everyone singing her happy birthday at lunch and, well, it just hit me."
"That's rough, man. I'm sorry."
"I deserve it. It's payback for how horrible I was to her all those years."
"You know," Leah started, sounding as if she was choosing her next words carefully. "Maybe what you need is to put yourself out there. Download an app or go to a gay bar and start talking to women who are actually attracted to women. Go on a date or two. Try making it work with someone instead of pining away for your new straight bestie or having a hook-up that'll only leave you full of regret later."
Y/n thought about Leah's words for a moment.
"Hmm, I guess you're right."
"I'm always right," Leah grinned. "Actually, did you bring your phone down here?"
"No, I left it in my room."
"Alright," Leah said, standing up and reaching her hands down to her. "Let's go."
"What?" Y/n asked, grabbing her hands. "What are you up to?"
"I'm going to make you a Raya profile. Then I'm going to do some swiping for you. And then all you have to do is text them and arrange some dates."
Y/n sat and watched as Leah created her profile and began swiping. Once she'd swiped through at least 100 profiles, she stopped.
"Okay, so you've already got your first match, and I'm sure there'll be more. Now, all you have to do is talk to them, and then when we're back in London in less than 24 hours, you can finally start moving on from this crush."
Once Leah left, Y/n lay in bed and tried to sleep.
Once again, sleep didn't come.
She grabbed her phone, planning to scroll on Instagram when she discovered a message on Raya.
She opened it up to find her first match. A woman called Amelia, who appeared to be some sort of fitness influencer. She was pretty, and she had kind eyes. Y/n tapped on the message icon and started typing.
Y/n: Hey. I see you're into fitness; me too.
Her phone buzzed almost immediately.
Amelia: I'd say you're more than into it. You're a footballer! You look very good in that pitchside photo, btw. ;)
They exchanged a few messages before the tiredness finally got her. As she let sleep take over, Y/n thought about Alessia, about her feelings, and about this match with Amelia. Maybe, just maybe, Amelia was her way out of this mess in her head.
a/n: Hope you enjoyed. I'm probably going to have a few very long chapters for this story instead of a lot of 3k-ish chapters.
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