Holding a Grudge
Summary: Alessia Russo and Y/n Y/l/n were childhood teammates. One evening, a post-match chat turned Y/n against the striker and she held a grudge into their senior career at England. What happens when Alessia joins Arsenal just days after England lose the World Cup?
Word Count: just under 8k
Warnings/Content: slight homophobia, grudges
October 2012 The chill in the autumn air was felt by the Cliffe Woods Colts girls as they finished their practice. Y/n panted as she walked to the edge of the pitch (which happened to just be a large field) with her teammates Emily and Hollie as they chatted about practice.
"I just keep going for tackles like half a second too late these past few weeks," Hollie groaned as she opened her bag and pulled out her medically necessary post-match snack of Haribo. "I don't know what's wrong with me."
"You'll be fine. You just need to not think so much and just go for it like you usually do," Emily reassured her.
Y/n felt her eyes drift away from her friends and over to her right, where some of their other teammates were standing, including their striker Alessia Russo.
Alessia had joined the team 2 years ago at the same time as Y/n. She was exceptionally skilled and continuously growing through her consistent practice. The coaches said she'd play for England one day. Y/n believed that too, although it seemed that for the past 5 months she had nothing but faith in Alessia's abilities. Her faith in Alessia wasn't the same as the coaches who simply saw a determined kid, but rather it came from her very specific interest in the girl. She noticed things about Alessia that others didn't, like how the corners of her mouth lifted just slightly when she'd score while practising penalties, how she'd look down to hide her frown when the ball was taken from her during games, and how her eyes lit up when she laughed at something silly one of their coaches said. Y/n knew what this feeling was. She'd had these feelings before for a couple of girls at her school. It was what the other kids would call a crush, but she couldn't use the same word because girls weren't supposed to have crushes on other girls.
"Oh, there's Dad! Gotta go, I'll see you at the weekend for the game!" Emily shouted as she began to walk towards her Dad's car.
Hollie stood with Y/n for another few minutes, the other girls around them leaving quickly, before her sister Ella arrived.
"Haribo before I leave?" she asked, holding the packet out to Y/n.
Y/n nodded enthusiastically, digging her hand in for a cola bottle and two hearts. "I know this sounds bad, but I'm very grateful you're diabetic."
Hollie laughed. "Can't believe you befriended me for your Wednesday evening sugar fix." With that, she grabbed her bag and jogged over to Ella's car.
"Hey," Y/n called out after her, "There's worse reasons to befriend someone!"
She heard Hollie's laughter as she ran.
"See you Saturday! I'll make sure to supply you with your pre-match Jelly Babies!" she shouted through the passenger seat window as she closed the door.
"You legend! See you Saturday!"
As Ella's car drove away, Y/n looked around and discovered that the coaches and her teammates had all left. She checked her watch.
7:15 pm.
Hmm, she thought. Hopefully Mum's out of her meeting.
Shivering, she began to kick at the grass at her feet as she stood at the edge of the field.
The training session that evening had been intense, and Y/n's chest was still protesting at the intense cardio. She leaned down, unzipped her bag, and reached inside to grab her inhaler. She shook it, pressed her lips to the mouthpiece, and pressed down on the canister, inhaling deeply before holding her breath.
"Still waiting to get picked up?" a voice called out from her right.
She turned to see her teammate, Alessia Russo, walking towards her.
Her slow exhale forced her to gently nod.
Alessia smiled. "Me too. Mum's working late, and Dad's picking Gio up from his friend's house before coming for me. How about you? How come you're still here?"
"Dad broke his ankle last week. Mum had a long day with a late meeting, so she was only finishing up at the same time as us."
"How'd he break his ankle?"
"Mum wanted to clear some of me and my sister's old toys from the attic. She says we're too old to be keeping all of that stuff, so she asked Dad to take the boxes down so we could sort through them. Dad lifted too much at once and fell off the ladder."
Alessia grimaced. "Ouch! That must have been painful."
Y/n nodded. "It was. He had to hobble his way to my mum's car so she could take him to the hospital."
She paused then, smiling before she continued: "You know, I think listening to my mum tell him off for thinking he had super strength might have been more painful for him than the actual broken bone."
That earned a loud laugh from Alessia. Y/n felt the vibrations of her laughter move throughout her own body. The warm sensation she had in her chest every time Alessia reacted positively to something she did or said felt more intense than usual.
Finally, Alessia calmed down, and her face turned serious.
"It's weird though, isn't it?" she asked, turning to look at Y/n again, an intensity in her blue eyes now.
"What is?" Y/n asked back, brows furrowed.
Alessia shrugged. "This whole growing up thing. It feels like everyone's still deciding everything for us, but, at the same time, we're expected to let go of our childhoods."
Y/n thought about it for a moment. "Yeah, you're right. Mum insists that Dad pick me up from school as she doesn't think it's safe for me to walk home from the bus stop, yet she's demanding that every single stuffed animal I've ever received is donated to a charity shop by Halloween."
Alessia softly giggled at her words, moving closer to her. "You wanna know a secret, Y/n?"
Y/n felt her palms begin to sweat, then her whole body began to clam up. "S-Sure."
Despite the fact that they were the only two people remaining in the entire field, Alessia leaned into her and cupped her hand around Y/n's ear.
"I still don't know how to sleep without a teddy," she said.
Y/n felt her breath on her ear, and she shivered.
Alessia pulled back, blushing.
"That's not bad, Less. I won't judge you for that."
She smiled. "Thanks, Y/n...Hey? Have you got any secrets yourself?" she asked, a mischievous expression on her face.
Y/n gulped.
Alessia's eyes widened. "That's a yes! That's a definite yes! Go on," she said, shoving Y/n's arm, "What is it? What's your big secret?"
Y/n blushed. She couldn't tell her. Could she?
"Is it a crush?" she asked, the last word a whisper as if there was anyone else there who would hear her.
"Um, well, uh-" Y/n stuttered.
"Oh, my God! It is a crush! Who is it? Is it some boy from your school?" she asked, wiggling her eyebrows.
"Not- Not exactly."
"Then who is it?"
Y/n knew there was absolutely no way she could tell Alessia that she was her crush, but could she come out to her?
"Is it a boy in your street?" Alessia continued, "Or a boy whose family knows your family?"
Y/n still didn't speak, panic taking over now. She should say it. She should tell Alessia the truth.
"Oh, come on, Y/n!" Alessia whined, leaning into her. "It's not like I'm going to know him, so I won't be able to tell him! You can trust me!"
"It's not a boy," she whispered.
Alessia pulled back from her, eyes wide.
"What?"
Y/n could feel her heart pounding in her chest.
"I don't like a boy. I like a girl. I've liked a few girls. I've never liked a boy, and I don't think I'm going to. Less, I think I'm gay."
The words were out before she had time to process what she was saying. Her heart pounded even harder as Alessia began to shake her head.
"No. No, Y/n. You can't like a girl. You're not gay. You can't be gay. That's not- It's not okay. It's not normal, it's-"
Alessia's reaction was interrupted by the blare of a horn.
Y/n turned around to see Alessia's dad, Mario, in the car just behind them.
"I- I have to go," Alessia stuttered. "Um, bye."
Alessia stood up and began walking towards her Dad's car without looking back in Y/n's direction.
Mario drove off, leaving Y/n to think about what she'd just done. Her mum turned up 5 long minutes later, and Y/n's heart pounded all the way home.
28th August 2023
Y/n walked into the meeting room at the Sobha Realty Training Centre and grabbed a seat in the front row. Jonas had asked them all to come to the room for an introductory meeting about his plans for Arsenal this season before they all went to the gym, and Y/n was determined to impress.
She heard a noise beside her and looked up to see Leah sitting beside her.
"Hey, how're you doing?"
Y/n shrugged. "Okay, could be better."
Leah nodded sympathetically, a hand moving to touch her shoulder.
"It's a quick turnaround. It's okay if you take some time to get back to your best self. Just stop beating yourself up about it."
It had only been 8 days since the Lionesses had lost the World Cup final to Spain. Leah hadn't been in the squad due to injury, but she had been there in Australia for the final, and she had seen the disappointment on Y/n's face when the final whistle blew. Now, Y/n had to find a way to push the pain to the side and focus on the League instead. And, as if losing the World Cup wasn't enough, there was also another issue she was dealing with. Just before the Lionesses had flown out to Australia, Arsenal had announced that they were signing her England teammate, Alessia Russo.
Y/n had been mentally prepping to get through the tournament with Alessia in the squad only 1 year after the Euros, when she had come across a post revealing that her own team had signed the striker. She had complained to Leah that very day, and she could feel herself about to do so again now.
"I assume Alessia's welcome will happen during this meeting," she sighed.
Leah nodded gently. "Yeah, Jonas is bringing her and the other new signings in to introduce them to us."
"As if I need an introduction to that bi-"
"Hey, looking forward to seeing the new recruits?" Katie asked as she sat down on Y/n's right.
"Don't get her started, McCabe," Leah warned.
Katie furrowed her brows. "What do you mean?"
Leah sighed. "She has it out for Russo, has done since they played together at Cliffe Woods Colts back in the day. It makes England camp hell, and this season won't be much better."
"Ah, I don't know, Leah. I think England camp would be hell regardless," the Irish player joked.
Leah rolled her eyes. "And yet here you are playing for a club in our capital city."
Just then, Jonas walked in, 5 players trailing behind him. The first was Amanda Ilestedt, who had moved from PSG. Then Laia Codina, who had left Barcelona, followed by Cloé Lacasse, who was formerly at Benfica. After her was Kyra Cooney-Cross, who had spent a year at Hammerby. And at the very end of the line, there she was. Alessia Russo walked into the meeting room with her head held high. Her days in Manchester were over, and she was officially a new type of red.
"Alright, listen up team. I've got 5 very important women to introduce you to. Can you please give a warm welcome to: Amanda, Laia, Cloé, Kyra, and Alessia."
The room erupted into clapping and a series of greetings. Y/n clapped and smiled, looking at the 4 players she hadn't played with before whilst ensuring she did not look at Alessia.
"Alright," Jonas said, turning to the new recruits, "take a seat and we'll get started."
Alessia took the seat on the other side of Leah, and Y/n had to force herself not to roll her eyes. This was going to be a long season.
They filed into the gym after, and Y/n got started with some cycling to warm herself up. Later, as she used one of the punching bags, Alessia, of all people, appeared at her side.
"Um, Y/n?"
"What?" Y/n asked through gritted teeth, still throwing punches.
"I was just wondering if you could tell me where the boxing gloves are?"
"Why are you asking me? I thought you were close with Lotte. Couldn't you ask her?"
Y/n could see out of the corner of her eye that Alessia was taken aback by her response. How, after all these years, did this woman still act surprised when Y/n treated her exactly as she deserved to be treated?
"Um, yes, but you're using a pair right now," Alessia replied, as if that justified things.
Y/n stopped, pulled her gloves off and threw them at Alessia, who failed to catch either of them.
"Here, use mine, I'm not really feeling up to a workout anymore."
With that, Y/n stormed off. She was almost through the doors on the other side of the room when Leah grabbed her.
"What the fuck was that, Y/n? Why did you just throw your gloves at Less?"
"Because she was pissing me off, Leah!"
"Y/n, it's Less. I know you two have some weird history, but she's one of the gentlest people I know. There was no need to be so rude to her on her first day."
"And there was no fucking need for her to be so useless in that final and not score a single fucking goal despite how many times I tried to set her up!"
Leah's gaze settled behind Y/n then.
"Um, Y/n?"
"What?"
Leah gestured beyond Y/n's shoulder. She turned around to see Alessia behind her, tears filling her eyes.
"Are you alright, Less? Do you need something?"
"I- I-," Alessia tried to speak, but settled on putting her gloved hands up to indicate that she needed someone to put the straps in place.
"Here, Less, let me help," Leah said, walking over to her.
Leah quickly velcroed down the straps of the boxing gloves, and Alessia squeaked out a thank you before walking back towards the punching bag.
"She seriously thinks she's strong enough to use that thing," Y/n muttered to herself.
Leah turned and glared at her.
"Enough! I am not putting up with this for an entire fucking season. Your attitude is bad enough at camp without having to deal with it here. So you're not her biggest fan? Alright. Fine. You're allowed to not love her. But don't bully her for God's sake! Leave her alone. Give her the silent treatment for all I care. Just don't torture her and torture all of us in the process. Get a grip, Y/n. Pull yourself together!"
With that, Leah walked back to the mat where she had been practising her stretches and left Y/n alone.
16th October 2023
Y/n slumped down on the ground to do her post-workout stretches. It was Monday, and she was back to another week of training. The previous day, the team had beaten Aston Villa in added time after spending the majority of the first 90 minutes 1-0 down. Of course, the winning goal had been scored by Alessia. The Arsenal fans had taken to her easily, most of them being England fans who already adored her after her backheel goal against Sweden in the Euros the year before. There were posters and flags of her at every game. They were even calling her 'Stargirl Russo'. Y/n was disgusted, and she was fed up with listening to everyone sing her praises today.
As she was stretching her right calf, Beth sat down beside her.
"Hey," she said, "How's it going?"
Y/n shrugged. "Okay."
Beth sighed. "You know, most people who won a match yesterday would be feeling a bit more than okay."
Y/n ignored her, moving to stretch her left calf now.
"It's cause she scored, isn't it? Less, I mean."
Y/n nodded. "I think that's obvious. Congrats by the way on your wonderful assist."
Beth sighed again. "Y/n, you've been grumpy since the day she got here. It's even worse than at England camp."
"I haven't said a word to her since that first day."
Beth nodded. "I know. We can feel it."
"I'm only doing what Leah asked me to."
"What do you mean?" Beth asked her.
"She told me to give her the silent treatment after I said something in the gym that day."
"Was it a case of 'if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all'?"
Y/n nodded. "Yeah, pretty much."
"Look, how about you come over for dinner this evening?"
Y/n raised an eyebrow. Beth wasn't one for inviting her over often.
"You're struggling," Beth explained. "I can tell, and so can Viv. You can come over and let us sort dinner for you, and maybe you might want to open up about how you're feeling."
"Okay," Y/n agreed. "I'll be there."
Beth grinned. "Cool. Come over for 6."
At 6:02 pm, Y/n knocked on Beth and Viv's door. The door opened, and she was met with Viv's smiling face and Myle's wagging tail.
"Come in," Viv said, pulling the door open further. "I'm glad Beth invited you."
Y/n was seated at the table as Beth and Viv fussed over the end of their cooking and plating up the food. Once dinner was served, they sat down and Viv began to talk.
"So, Y/n, Beth and I have noticed you've been finding this season pretty tough."
"I mean, it wasn't easy starting so soon after the World Cup......Sorry, that's probably a shitty thing to say to you two," she said, wincing at her words.
Beth and Viv had both sustained ACL injuries during last season and had been unable to return quick enough to play for England and the Netherlands.
Beth shook her head. "No, it's not. We're lucky we've been taken care of. You and the others who played the tournament must be tired."
"Yeah," Viv continued, "especially those of you who played up to the final. I mean Lotte, Less, and Laia all seemed a bit run-down at the beginning of the season, though they seem to be doing okay now."
"And me not so much?"
Viv paused with a forkful of potato to her mouth.
"Um... I wasn't- I didn't mean-"
Y/n nodded. "You did mean it. And it's true. I'm not just tired from the tournament."
"She's tired from Less," Beth explained.
"I have to say, Y/n, she is a great addition to the team. I wish I were lucky enough to play for the same country as her like you two," Viv admitted.
Y/n sighed. "She's destroying me. Everybody loves her. They really love her."
"And you don't like that because you don't like her?" Viv asked.
She nodded again. "That is correct."
"Y/n," Beth began, cutting into her salmon, "I'm asking this genuinely: What is it that you don't like about her? Leah said that you'd told her you never got on as kids and that she thinks you're holding a grudge about something, but she can't figure out what."
Y/n chewed her mouthful of salmon and potato, swallowed, then spoke again.
"Well, she's right about the grudge. But she's wrong about us never getting on as kids."
Viv raised her eyebrow. "You're not against our striker because of a childhood falling out, are you?"
Y/n shook her head. "No, we weren't ever close friends, but we got along. And then...And then she-"
"What happened?" Beth asked, her voice gone soft.
Y/n took a deep breath and settled herself. "When we were thirteen, this month, 11 years ago, we were the last two to get picked up from practice. The staff had gone, thinking we were all gone, so I sat at the edge of the pitch, well, at the edge of the field, and we talked."
"Okay," Beth nodded, "so something happened during this talk?"
"She asked if I had any secrets. I was completely in the closet at the time, so I certainly did have a secret. She figured out that it was crush-related, so she kept pestering me, asking who he was, and I finally caved and told her that she was a girl..."
Y/n took another deep breath, the anxiety and the embarrassment of the memory flooding back to her.
"She reacted...badly. She told me it wasn't normal. I was spared from hearing her full speech about how wrong it was by Mario, who thankfully showed up during her homophobic rant to pick her up. She got up, got into the car, he drove away, and I never spoke to her again."
Viv and Beth were now looking at her with an understanding in their eyes.
"Ah," Beth said. "I get it now."
"She was the first person you told?" Viv asked.
Y/n nodded. "I didn't come out to anyone else for another 4 years due to her reaction. I'd made an agreement with myself: If I came out for the first time and had a positive reaction, I'd tell more people. If I had a bad reaction, I'd stay in the closet and pray they didn't out me. She looked so disgusted when I said it. I think she genuinely believed it was a sin, but she never got as far as saying that due to her ride arriving."
Beth looked down at her food for a moment as if contemplating how to say what she wanted to say next, before looking back into Y/n's eyes.
"Y/n, I know that must have been horrible. I know you must have been so scared and to have been so brave as to tell someone your truth so young only to be met with hate must have been very painful..."
"I'm sensing that there's a but coming here."
Beth nodded. "Well, as you said, this happened 11 years ago. There wasn't the same acceptance for gay people then, and teenagers were often scared of difference back then. It wasn't a very progressive time. You know Less, Y/n. She's been playing with openly gay women for years now. She's never once made a comment or given anyone a judgmental look, and she's even worked with couples. Surely those aren't her views anymore. That reaction was probably down to her own teenage insecurities. I know it still hurts, but maybe you should try to remind yourself that the woman you know today isn't that little girl anymore. I think you should tell her that's what's been bothering you. I'm sure she'd apologise. I'm sure she'd feel awful that she hurt you that much. And I think it could be quite healing for you to forgive her."
Y/n let out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding.
"Yeah," she nodded. "Yeah, maybe I could. Not now, I'm not sure I'm ready, but maybe this season. Maybe."
"Well," Viv spoke, "I'm glad you've told us. I know that can't have been an easy thing to go through. Take all the time you need, but remember what Beth said. Also, if she is still homophobic and we just haven't realised, I can fight her for you."
"Viv! You can't just threaten to fight her!"
"Babe, I can and I will!"
Y/n laughed. Viv was normally more withdrawn than this. It was funny to her to see her act this way.
"Alright," Beth said, slamming her fork down. "Nobody is fighting anyone. Y/n, you're going to take some time to process what I've said, and then you and Less are going to talk it out, because this has to end some day."
Y/n nodded. "It will. I promise."
31st October 2023
Halloween. The day when parents let their small children accept food from strangers and, as of tonight, the day when Katie McCabe and Caitlin Foord throw a party for their Arsenal teammates despite the fact that they all have training the next day.
Y/n looked at herself in the mirror. She had decided to go as a zombie and was quite proud of her costume. She'd ripped up a few old pieces of clothing and poured fake blood on them and painted her face to look more, well, dead.
There was one issue, though. Ever since her talk with Beth and Viv, she had tried to change her view of Alessia; tried being the key word. She'd made very brief eye contact the next day, and held a door open for her the day after that instead of letting it slam in her face. Then, she began to relive that evening over and over. How scared she'd been to say anything, how she pushed herself to tell Alessia the truth so she could say it wasn't a complete secret anymore, how Alessia had looked at her with disgust and told her that it wasn't okay. Now, she felt that Beth's suggestion of telling Alessia the truth and moving on was wishful thinking. Still, she promised herself (and Leah) that she'd be on her best behaviour tonight.
She knocked on the door at 7:15. It swung open just a few seconds later, and she was greeted by Katie, who was dressed as a pirate.
"Just you?"
Y/n rolled her eyes. She and Caitlin had opened up the invites to allow everyone to have a plus 1, but since she was currently single, Y/n had arrived alone.
"I don't have time to date."
Katie laughed. "Alright, come in then. You're letting in the cold."
Y/n walked inside and through to the kitchen where she saw Leah, dressed as a vampire, hovering over the crisps and dip.
"So, let me get this straight. You consume blood now, but you still consider a red pepper dip too adventurous?" she smirked.
Leah rolled her eyes. "Asshole," she said, dipping a crisp into the sour cream and chive dip.
"Hey," she said, putting her hands up, "You can't call me that. I'm on my best behaviour tonight, remember?"
"You better be," she said, pointing a crisp at her.
About an hour later, she was sitting at the counter with Leah and Caitlin, eating homemade pizza when Katie came into the kitchen.
"Babe, Less still isn't here."
Caitlin furrowed her brows. "That's strange."
Katie nodded. "And everyone else is here now. Her and Patrick are the only ones left to arrive."
Caitlin pulled her phone out, found Alessia's contact details, and pressed call.
The phone rang, but no one picked up.
"Okay, I'm worried," Katie admitted.
Just then, there was a knock on the door.
Y/n and Leah, unsure of what to do, followed Katie and Caitlin into the hallway and stood back while they opened the door.
On the other side of the door was Alessia.
She was dressed as some sort of sexy cat with a tight black dress and a cat ears headband, but sexy was the last word Y/n would have used to describe the scene in front of her.
Alessia stood there with a tear-stained face, eyes puffy, and her lips in a frown.
"Less, what's wrong? Where's Patrick?" Katie asked, the concern in her voice obvious.
"He broke up with me," Alessia said, bursting into tears.
"Oh, love, come here," Caitlin said, opening her arms.
Alessia walked through the doorframe and let herself be held by Caitlin.
"What happened, love?" Caitlin asked her gently as she stroked her back.
"I told him to come pick me up, and when he arrived, he wasn't wearing a costume, and he looked serious. Then he told me we needed to talk. He said he'd changed his mind. Said he'd spent too many years with me. Said he needed to broaden his horizons."
They all walked into the living room to break the news to the others, and Lotte was immediately by Alessia's side as she sat down on the sofa.
Y/n stood with her back against the wall as her team began to comfort Alessia. They were full of inspiring comments:
"You're better losing him now than wasting any more time."
"He doesn't deserve you if he can't see how incredible you are."
"You're a better player than he'll ever be. And a better person all around."
"You have all of us to support you. You're our stargirl, Lessi."
As the words from her teammates went on, Y/n could feel herself getting angry. Here she was on Halloween night, having the team party ruined by Alessia's drama, and now she had to listen to them lick her ass because God forbid some man had gotten fed up with her. She knew she had promised to behave, but she couldn't. She was furious.
Screw it. She wasn't going to stay quiet.
"I know it's a bummer Russo isn't going to get laid in what I assume is her embarrassing attempt at a sexy cat costume, but I thought this was supposed to be a party? Can we maybe, you know, lighten the mood?"
"Y/N!" Leah shouted. "Stop! Just leave her alone!"
"Oh no, am I upsetting our poor stargirl? Do we all have to pretend that her costume suits her because she just got dumped? Or were we gonna do that anyway since you're all so far up her hole?"
"ALRIGHT!" Katie shouted, slamming her drink down. "WHAT THE FECK IS YOUR PROBLEM, Y/N?"
"What's my problem? Oh, I'll tell you what my problem is."
At this point, Y/n had moved off the wall and was walking towards the middle of the room, wanting to be seen clearly by everyone when she told them the truth.
"Y/n, maybe this isn't the best time to-" Viv spoke up, but she was cut off by Y/n talking over her.
"I think all of you arse lickers should know that Lessi here is a fucking homophobic bitch!"
Alessia, who was crying even harder now, gave her a confused look through her tears.
"No," Katie said, shaking her head. "No, she isn't, Y/n. For God's sake, she's at a party run by two lesbians."
Y/n wasn't even listening, too busy staring down at Alessia.
"You told me I wasn't normal... You told me it wasn't okay. I WAS FUCKING THIRTEEN!"
"Okay," Beth said, standing, "that's enough, Y/n."
Beth walked over to her and tried to push her out of the room, but Y/n wasn't having it. She brushed past her and walked right up to Alessia.
"Did you know you were the first person I ever came out to? Did you?"
Alessia shook her head, full-on sobs taking over her body now.
"Well, you were. I didn't come out to anyone again for 4 fucking years because of how you reacted! You were a bitch to me that night, and who knows what more you would have said if your dad hadn't turned up to collect you." She shook her head at the memory. "And, in all these years, you've never once apologised. So," she said, turning to look at the others, "I hope you can understand why I have no time for the Alessia pity party over a man tonight. Oh, and before you try kicking me out, trust me, I'm leaving."
With that, she turned and headed out the door, reaching the front door and slamming it shut.
November 1st 2023
After many hours of tossing and turning in bed, Y/n finally got to sleep. When she awoke the following morning, she saw a singular text on her phone.
Kim: Call in sick today. As the captain of this team, I don’t want you to come back until you apologise to Alessia.
Y/n sighed and typed out a frustrated reply.
Y/n: You can’t make me apologise. She’s the one that should be apologising. Kim: You’re right. I can’t. I can, however, tell Jonas that you are bullying a fellow team member. I wouldn’t want to know the punishment for that, would you? Y/n: Piss of Kim. Kim: That’s a really lovely way to talk to your captain. Anyway, you should know that Alessia will be taking the rest of the week off for personal reasons. She’ll be at home today. Let me know if you’d like the address.
Y/n groaned.
She texted Jonas about her “illness” and threw the phone across the room before going back to sleep. When she awoke, she made herself some food and slumped down in front of the TV.
After 3 episodes of a random comedy she was barely paying attention to, Y/n began to get frustrated. She should be at training today. She should be in the gym, on the pitch, in the meeting room, but instead she was stuck here.
Maybe I should go over, she thought to herself.
No. No, she couldn’t.
Or could she?
"Screw this," she muttered to herself as she pulled her phone out of her pocket and texted Kim.
Y/n: What's her address?
Kim responded about 15 minutes later. It appeared that Alessia didn't live far from her, which made sense since Arsenal had supplied them both with accommodation. She realised she could walk there in about 20 minutes or so and pulled on her shoes and jacket and headed out.
Alessia's apartment was on the ground floor of a two-story house. Y/n walked up to the blue door for apartment 12A and knocked firmly three times.
She saw a door open to the right of the hallway, and then watched as Alessia moved into the hallway, looked to the front door and saw her, and paused. She looked uncertain of what to do, possibly afraid that Y/n was here to cause a scene after the night before.
Finally, she moved towards the door, turned the key, and pressed down the handle.
Alessia's blonde hair had been removed from its signature bun and was flowing haphazardly down her shoulders. Her eyes were puffy just as they were at the party, and she looked like she hadn't slept at all.
"Hi," Y/n greeted her.
"Um, hello?" Alessia said it like a question, obviously confused by her presence.
"Listen, Kim said I'm not to come back to training until I apologise to you, so, uh, sorry."
Alessia huffed out a laugh that sounded both bitter and exhausted.
"So that's it, then? You screamed at me in front of everyone last night, you treated me like shit on my first day, you ignored me in training, and now you say a one-word apology that you don't even mean, and you get to go back to training?"
"Acutally, I ignored you because Leah told me to," she said defensively.
Alessia sighed. "Why would Leah tell you to ignore me? She's been sick of the way you've been treating me at England camp for as long as I have."
"Well, she knew I couldn't be nice, so she told me to give you the silent treatment."
"That's even worse, Y/n. Can't you see how the way you've been treating me has affected me? I came to my first day at Arsenal so excited to get started with a new club and I went home upset because you humiliated me in the gym all because I asked you where you got your boxing gloves."
Y/n nodded. "Yeah, but I told you last night why I did that."
Alessia put her head in her hands and groaned.
"Y/n, why did you never just tell me you were upset about my reaction? Surely you could have pulled me aside and explained to me that what I did all those years ago hurt you. I would've apologised, and we could've moved on. Instead, you have bullied me for years."
"How could I have told you? How could I know it was safe to tell you how I felt when it wasn't safe then?"
"Y/n, I work with so many gay women. How could you think I was homophobic?"
Y/n sighed. "Because you never said otherwise. Because you remembered that day and you never apologised, never told me you supported me. I told you last night I didn't come out again until 4 years later. You were the first person I told. When you told me it wasn't normal, that it wasn't okay, I felt like I had to hide who I was because I wasn't enough. I felt embarrassed. I was terrified of who you might tell. I spent years hating myself because when I finally found the words to come out, you shoved me right back into the closet as far as you could."
Alessia looked at her for a few seconds, not saying anything, but clearly processing her words.
"Come in," she said, pulling the door wider.
"Are you sure?"
She nodded. "Yep. We need to have a proper talk."
Y/n stepped into the apartment and followed Alessia into the living room, where they sat down on the couch. She waited to see if Alessia would speak again. Finally, she did.
"I'm sorry, Y/n. I'm sorry for reacting that way. In my defence, I was a kid too. I had been told things and had been made to believe that being gay was wrong. I thought I was helping you when I told you that it wasn't okay. I thought it might encourage you to not like girls." She cringed at her own words. "I know it wasn't the response you needed. I never talked to you after because we were never close, and you were always around Hollie and Emily, and I didn't want to say anything in front of them. I guess I figured you'd moved on. I feel stupid now for never having connected the dots when you started treating me differently from the others at camp. I thought you thought I was inferior. I thought you thought I was undeserving of a space on the team. I never realised it was about what you'd told me all those years ago, I just thought you'd decided to pick on me for no obvious reason, and that really messed with my self-esteem."
The words were a lot for Y/n to take in. It felt weird to be talking about this after all this time. She knew that this was the moment where she was supposed to accpet Alessia's apology and apologise back, but she was struggling to say the words right now, so she settled on asking her a question.
"What happened with Patrick?"
Alessia looked confused at the change in topic, but answered nonetheless.
"I don't really know. He just- Well, he decided that he didn't want to be with me anymore. I guess he committed a lot more time to me than he was initially planning to, and he wanted out."
A tear ran down Alessia's left cheek as she spoke, and Y/n was taken aback by a sudden strike of empathy in her heart at the sight.
"That's kind of shitty."
She meant what she said. Away from the anger of the evening before, Y/n could see that the break-up had been cruel.
"Yeah," Alessia agreed softly. "Yeah, it was."
"Did you see it coming at all?"
She sniffed.
"Um, yes and no. It seemed impossible because we'd been together for so long, but, at the same time, he'd stopped talking about our future together. He saw other couples we know get engaged and didn't hint at wanting to propose to me one day. I guess I was naive to not realise what was going on. God," she whispered, "I really haven't been the best at seeing the obvious lately, have I?"
"I'm glad you two broke up."
The words slipped out of her mouth before she could think about how they sounded.
Alessia furrowed her brows. "Why?"
Y/n shrugged. "Sounds like he didn't deserve you. I have to admit, I agree with what the others said last night."
"That must be hard for you."
"It is, but it's the truth. And it's also the truth that I was a complete and utter asshole last night, and you didn't deserve that on top of a break-up. You also didn't deserve how I reacted about the boxing gloves, or anything or the dramas at camp over the years."
The words were tumbling out now. What just a few seconds ago felt impossible to say now felt impossible to keep in, and Y/n didn't understand why.
"Thank you," Alessia whispered. "That means a lot."
"So, are you just gonna mope around until the match this weekend, or are you gonna get your ass up to training?" Y/n teased.
Alessia laughed gently. "Um, you know, I thought this whole staying off thing was what I needed, but I feel like the walls are closing in on me," she admitted.
Y/n thought for a moment. "Alright, how about I stay here today and give you some company, and we can both go back to training tomorrow?"
Alessia nodded. "That sounds like a nice idea. I was actually planning to make some pasta soon for lunch. Would you like some?"
Y/n didn't know why, but she smiled. "As long as you're not planning to poison me as payback, then yes."
She giggled. "I promise I won't poison you."
Y/n helped Alessia prep the food and, once it was ready, they sat in silence at the kitchen table and ate. Afterwards, they returned to the living room, where Y/n suggested that they watch something light-hearted as a way to keep Alessia's mind off things.
As the film credits rolled, Y/n turned to Alessia only to discover that she'd fallen asleep. At first, she thought about shaking her awake and complaining that she didn't offer to stay only to be left wondering how to pass the time. Then, she looked at Alessia's face. Properly looked. She was paler than usual, and there were dark circles under her eyes. Y/n realised that her original assumption that Alessia hadn't slept since the party may be very likely to be true. She decided to let her rest. As she began to think of what to do to pass the time, she recalled overhearing Alessia talk about how she kept her book collection in her bedroom.
A good book would help kill some time, she thought, as she got up and made her way to where she assumed Alessia's bedroom would be and opened the door. A soft smirk grew on her lips as she saw the interior of the room and realised that she was correct.
She stepped inside and instantly saw the stack of books on a tall shelf in the far corner. A double bed sat in the middle of the room, and a wardrobe and chest of drawers were placed against the wall to her left. Above the bed were some prints with green, the colour of the other walls, running through them, that complemented the cream wall. Opposite the bed was a wooden dressing table and chair. The table was covered in jewellery and make-up products, but, on the left-hand side, just at the edge, sat a photo in a frame. Y/n recognised it instantly. It was a photo of the Cliffe Woods Colts, taken in September 2012 at the start of the season, just over a month before the evening that had cemented Y/n and Alessia's relationship, or lack thereof, for the next 11 years. She walked over to the dressing table and picked up the frame. There she was, 13 and determined yet terrified, standing between Hollie and Emily. Hollie had moved to Manchester for university to study physiotherapy when they were 18 and had set up her own business there after she graduated. Emily had a scholarship to the US, but a devastating injury had ended her career before she finished college. After a minor identity crisis, with support from her ex-coaches at UNC, she ended up becoming a coach herself, moving to California to work for San Diego Wave. Of all of the girls in the photo, she and Alessia were the only two who had gone pro. Y/n's eyes found Alessia in the photo, in the back row and a little to the left of Y/n and her friends. She was smiling widely at the camera, excitement in her eyes. She felt a warm sensation in her chest, the same one she used to feel every time she saw that girl in the 5 months leading up to this photo being taken. There she was, her childhood crush, an innocent kid who didn't know any better, and yet Y/n had judged that kid's actions and bullied the adult she became in an attempt to make her feel as alone as she had felt that October evening as her mum drove her home unaware of her daughter's distress.
She set the frame back down, walked over to the bookshelf, chose a mystery book and went to the living room to read. After reading for about 2 hours, she felt movement beside her. Alessia wriggled around before slowly opening her eyes, which went wide as they met Y/n's.
"Shit, I didn't mean to-"
Y/n cut her off. "It's alright. I would've woken you, but it looked like you needed the sleep. Also, I hope you don't mind, but I borrowed this," she said, lifting up the book.
Alessia gave her a slight smile. "That's okay. Are you enjoying it?"
Y/n nodded. "Not really the type of thing I'd read, but I have to say I'm hooked."
"Well, you're welcome to take it home as long as you return it."
Y/n raised an eyebrow at her. "Are you implying that you think I won't return it?"
Alessia shrugged. "Not exactly."
Y/n rolled her eyes, but she was smiling. "I'll return it, I promise, Thanks Less."
They hung out for a while longer and ordered food for dinner. At around 7pm, Y/n announced that she should probably head home so they could both prepare for training the following day. Alessia walked her to the front door, where they said their goodbyes.
"Thanks for keeping me company today," Alessia said sincerely. "I won't lie, when you turned up at my door saying that Kim was making you apologise, I was not expecting things to end so civil."
Y/n laughed, then turned serious again. "I saw the photo on your dressing table when I went to grab the book."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. It's- It was odd to see."
"How so?" Alessia asked.
Y/n sighed. "I guess I've been so focused all these years on how I was just a kid when I came out to you, but looking at that photo reminded me that you were also a kid, and I should've been more forgiving."
"I was influenced by a lot of other people's opinions back then, Y/n. I promise you that's not how I see things now."
"I know, Less."
They stared at each other for a few more seconds. Alessia's eyes were soft, and she looked more rested now than earlier. Y/n hadn't felt this calm around her before.
Finally, Y/n broke the silence.
"Right, well, I should go."
Alessia nodded. "Of course."
"I'll see you tomorrow, Less."
"Yeah, see you tomorrow."
A/n: I’ve been writing this for days after the first part came to me in a moment boredom. I’ll definitely be writing a part 2!
