The Option Of Self.

The option of self is a blog and story of my own progress. My name is Laura though here I will go my Irtimed and these are my thoughts. I've come to acknowledge the absolute worst parts of myself over the years, and accepted them. Now I choose to change them and become the person I actually desire to be.

[irtimedthoughts]

It's such a lonesome reminder when you begin to feel yourself falling out of love with someone you'd been looking forward to spending your life with.

Maybe we're not meant to be with a single person.

Maybe we're not meant to be with anybody for a long time.

Heartbreak rattles my entire being. I feel it inthe pit of my stomach. I feel it in my hand as they quiver andy sides. I feel it in my eyes and they begin to swell with tears. Out of anger? Out of sadness? Maybe out of both. I feel it in my throat as I struggle to swallow my pride. I feel it as my tongue becomes to twisted o can no longer speak. I feel it in my feet as I reluctantly try to walk away. It scratches at the back of my mind like a cat at it's post. I feel it coming. My mind letting go it's fond memories of all we have. So I'll weep silently, hidden away under a facade of good times. I'll continue on my days as if nothing has shifted in this jam-packed mind of mine. All in hopes that this moment is fleeting and thing will be okay. That we'll progress and grow and have a love worthy to share between two people.

I'm not extremely hopeful, but hopeful enough to keep going.

[irtimedthoughts]

It’s really weird when you’re around people who understand social censors when you are still learning. A lot of the time you are left alone, especially when it’s when you barely even know. End of the day - you are left alone. You are unaware of these social cues until somebody says , “hey we’re ALL closing out and heading out for the night.” Instead you are left alone trying to figure what to do because your determined/ given safety net leaves you. This adds into the people having given up on you. People no longer care if you are okay. People not longer care if you are around. It’s been presented to you. Multiple times. Fuck them. Their opinions - their thoughts no longer matter. It’s time to allow them to be the insignificant parts they want to be. Dear Demitri, welcome to your realizations and wants. I truly hope you grow from them and become what you hope. The ones who were here are NOT here for you. They are all here for ulterior motives. What are you here for? - besides just being okay and happy?

[irtimedthoughts]

Thursday - Day 8 1/23/2020

HERE'S YOUR WARNING. HAPPY THURSDAY NIGHT. We've finished another day(well, almost..) There's still some time left before sleep consumes us. What's something you could do tonight to better your mindset/body/mood/or just overall day?What's something that made you smile today? I wish everybody the best night with some nice rest, or if you're working the third then I wish you the best of shifts. Remember to stretch you body and expand your mind to prepare for your weekend. Goodnight! . . . Now for the even longer part. Today was a doozy. I had an mini anxiety attack this morning which led me to sit in my car for a few minutes while I talked myself down and convinced myself to get out and go inside the building. Terrified beyond belief, as some of you know over the last couple of years it's gotten really difficult for me to be able to go to unfamiliar places or crowded places. It's taken away a lot of opportunities from myself and so many great memories I could have made. I've lost friends, money, jobs, family, and myself. At this point in my life I realized it and decided it was time for a definitive change. I choose to no longer be self destructive. I choose to no longer be harmful to this wonderful body I have been gifted with. I look at my scars and always have a different reaction. Sometimes I laugh at how dumb I've become over the years trying to be something I wasn't that led to some of them. Other days I can see some and I cry, because the pains that led to them is still there. Sometimes I get so angry at myself for getting so low in my life when the physical pain no longer helped and instead I hurt others emotionally and myself - as I just kept dwindling down. Every now and then, more often than I'd like I see them and feel the urge to continue. These times terrify me. They also make me very confused. If I'm on my way to being a better person, and having a better mindset shouldn't the wants go away? Maybe not. Maybe it just takes time?   "Once you hit the bottom, the only way to go is up" It's funny how one little moment of the day can add up to so many emotions and thoughts by the time you're ready to just give in to everything and take a stress nap. The funny thing is I don't feel stressed, or sad, or angry, or happy.. It's more of this floating ribbon of content. I feel better having written what I needed to. I feel exhausted yet my body and mind are still wanting to do more. I crave this stimulation life is now giving me. We all have secrets we'll take to the grave. Mine are not my own. I have no secrets of myself worthy to withhold.I will be an open book, though selective to who reads. An acquired taste of genre? I may have gotten a bit off track, but it all makes sense to me. In short, this morning's attack led to this splurge of emotions that helped me realize a lot of what I had lost/missed out on over the years. Also brought me to a point when I craved things I wished to never crave again. My scars are all connected to a story in some way or another, and I'm only now realizing that to it's fullest. ANYWAYS. On a slightly better note -I went in, and I kicked ass at something I was so scared of doing. I was told I was doing great and that I picked up things quickly. Who knew all those years at the variety of jobs would actually come in handy all in one day?I ate lunch in my car and reflected some on what I wanted out of the whole situation and for the for seeable future. Also just enjoyed the trees and my music. Then after work I went to my kick boxing class. Despite barely being able to breathe thanks to my cold I pushed as much as my body would allow me to. Which still isn't a whole lot or where I want to be, but hey.. It's only the first week and my second class. Everyday I am building my strength both in and out of there. I need a better option of myself and I will strive for that everyday for the rest of my life. Now I'm home and winding down. Took my cold medicine(THANKS AGAIN). Now to get at least a couple of chapters and some skills tests done. After that I'm going to eat something before some nice stretches before I turn in for the night. I also just want to say thank you again to those of you who have stuck by me through some of the worst times I experienced. For checking up on me throughout the week, to sending me kind words to keep going, and those of you who dragged me out even though I couldn't get out of the bed for days. I honestly don't think I'd still be here if it weren't for you guys making sure I knew somebody cared. I love you all and one day I will make you proud. I promise.

[irtimedthoughts]

Monday - Day 5 : 1/20/2020

I've got some good, if not great things lined up for this week ahead and I'm pretty excited.

Do you have any weekly goals? I do. I think 6 is a lot but in the end of it, they're things I feel I should be doing anyways yet never really have.

Below are my goals for my week. A small start that will undoubtedly have a great impact. As the weeks progress I'll have larger ones that play into the main goal as an entirety, that's all still a work in progress and a secret so when it's time... (please imagine a very powerful wizard voice with this as I imagined it when I typed it) all will be known.

1 - I'll workout EVERYDAY - With my Kickboxing at least three of those days. Since I couldn't today, I'll definitely get that in tomorrow morning.

2 - I'm going to try something new at least 4 times this week. Whether it's a food, experience, or even something that I've wanted to do but have been too scared to. I'll be compiling a list and will of course be up for the company if anybody wants to join me on any of these little adventures.

3 - I WILL CONTINUE FALLING BACK IN LOVE WITH MY HOMETOWN AND EXPLORING IT WITH FRESH NEW EYES LIKE A TOURIST.

4 - I'll read FIVE books this week.

5 - I will write in my blog/journal every day. Last week I started then flaked the last few days. :( Which is an easy fix if I'm just writing about the events on the day and leave out the in the moment feeling stuff.

6 - I will be going to the library as much as I possibly can.

[irtimedthoughts]

RECAP FOR DAY TWO AND THREE AND FOUR

[irtimedthoughts]

Day One

Day one.  

A productive start to the new – yet not so new outlook on life.  

I’ve done some productive things today.  

An entire list will follow somewhere below.  A thought occurred to me last night however. Even the smallest gesture of a goal can actually create a large ripple in the water that is my life.  

I’ve had roughly 200 songs screenshotted on my phone over the last year. I’ve attempted or well, wanted to make myself a playlist of all these songs I’ve saved. Each one had made a big enough impact on me to want to remember them or have some kind of note of them. So, it’s worth to make a playlist isn’t it?

Until yesterday I’ve never completed the action. I’ve made small efforts however. Tiny notions to add up to the thing I actually want to do. Such as create the playlist ‘11’ on YouTube while I’d be browsing here and there already. Compiling all of the screenshots into an actual album in my photos.  

A variety of small gestures that in turn made it easier to do what I originally wanted the next time the desire came upon me. For this, I now have a completed playlist at my ready. Songs both old and new to me that I’ve now grown to love for reasons I’ll express at some point.  

This action, despite seeming so small in turn actually sparked the fire that I feel coursing through me now. The idea that despite all the bad within me and my mind could be pushed aside long enough to bring more than positive vibes into my life. In turn would actually bring good things to me. I’ve tested it for one day so far and from this I have gotten call backs for jobs, and found new ones that were better to apply to.  

I’ve joined a kickboxing class which was something I wanted to do years ago when I was younger and had more energy. Which makes me laugh since when I put it that way, I make it sound like I’m old. I’m older now, yes. I may feel drained and weakened more than I did then though I’m still so young. I’m a baby in the cosmic sense and outlook on things.  

The idea that this one thing could give me so much energy just by simply going and saying, “I’m here, I want to do this, I am willing to allow you to help me.” never occurred to me until it happened.  

Now I’ve got two appointments this weekend to work out and get a nutrition plan started. I’m stoked. Beyond stoked even.  I did some laundry and even though I’m still bad at putting it away as soon as I should, it’s a good feeling having fresh clothes. I’m attempting to build myself a webpage, it’ll take time and more learning though with enough effort I’ll be able to create my own site from scratch. This is another thing I’ve wanted to do for years. I’m working on my Spanish every day determined to someday soon be able to have a full conversation with my parents in their native tongue. I got to help my dad with his work today even if just sending the emails, I realized how good it felt to be of use to him. Which is dumb since I’ve helped in the past, it just felt different this time.  I’m making it a point to come to the library at least four days a week. More if I can since it’s a good way to help me become more productive and is kind of getting to be one of my happy places. Which is amazing since most of the ones in my past have been bars. I enjoy helping my family when I can. I want them to be able to rely on me as I have them all my life. I want to be better for them, and it’s going to take a long time but I’m sure I’ll get there. It’s the baby steps that count. Small goals can lead into great aspirations and accomplishments. It just takes the effort.  

I have a job tonight, at least I’m hoping it is. I’ll find out when I get there, janitorial is honorable to me and I’m sure I’ll enjoy it. It’s also for nights so I’ll be able to still do all the things I desire to do throughout the day. My water intake is better yet nowhere near great, it’ll get there.  

So many seemingly small things that have made today one of the brightest for me. I will admit I got frustrated a couple of times today due to traffic and just people in general, but I didn’t let it get me mad just annoyed. I’ll have to work on the moments like that tomorrow. With every day it will get easier and I will become the better option of myself. Just wait and see.  

[irtimedthoughts]

Intro To It

A book a day will keep you mind up and hungry for more. A drink a day will calm your nerves and get you ready for the rest of the week. A smile a day will improve your own perspective on even the worst day. Good news will bring out positive vibes in you, bad news will bring you to your knees. If you can allow the bad to pass in the fleeting moment it comes along in then you’ll be able to enjoy so much more in your life as you do. Hope is contagious, fear can be too if you let it. Time is a social construct and I’ll continue to defy it to the best of my ability until the day it catches up to me.If you’re bringing the toxicity to my life, you’re only allowed to stay if it’s because you’re playing the song. Other than that, get the hell out and I’ll pack you a care package full of fucks and good vibes to take with you. BUGS COULD PROBABLY TAKE OVER THE WORLD.God is real so long as you believe him to be. Politics confuse and terrify me, but only because they make no sense to me. I’m completely ignorant on the subject, feel free to educate me sometime. ABOUT LITERALLY ANYTHING.Working out is really difficult when it’s a struggle to get out of bed most days. I’m probably not going to lose my desired 40lbs by the end of April. This frustrates me. I apparently seem to be a person who needs help being healthy in the getting up kind of sense. I’m technically unemployed and it’s terribly dull. I’ve applied to over 400 jobs in two weeks via Job Search Sites, City sites, and Direct employer sites. I’ve had maybe 10 responses and at least 7 were from Poly schemes/other types of scams. This is upsetting, though not in the least discouraging. It’s pushed me to do better and to not allow the same mindset to continue again. I’m working and striving to more everyday and constantly battling the own war inside my head. Things are rough and I won’t sugar coat that. Though I am grateful to have such an amazing family and friendships that have stuck with me through even the worst. I can’t wait to make them all proud of me and my success when it does happen. Anyways, thanks for reading if you did. If not, that’s cool too and I hope you have a really happy Wednesday.