Sometimes I just start typing a post and almost breakdown. So I have to sit back and tell myself to stop because there are almost tears running down my face already.
I can’t do this right now. And I can’t do it alone.
Now I have to wash my face, have some water and go to bed.
“You can do this tomorrow and I’ll be there with you,” she’d say. Or at least I think she would say something like that if she were here or on the phone with me. She’d tell me it’s going to be okay, she’d probably add some bad joke as well (just because she knows they always help). - I’m trying to remind myself of that now.
I can’t do this right now. And I can’t do it alone.
The tears are back, headache appeared.
Last thing before I “wash my face, have some water and go to bed”: I’m writing this because I want you to know I sat down to make a post but couldn’t do it, not like this, and that’s okay.Â
I’m learning it’s okay not to be able to do something at the moment, it’s okay to need help, it’s okay to need support. Doesn't mean it's easy to ask for either of those things.
(And ngl it’s shit, makes you feel weak and stuff, reminds you how fucked-up you really are. I hate that. But getting that support and help doesn't just fuck with my brain, it gives me a tiny bit of safety, my own personal safe spot (often it’s not even a place, just a spot) in the person who’s there and in myself. That safety’s worth it, for me the person is worth it and maybe at some point I’ll accept that I might be worth the effort too.)Â
So I’m just going to leave this here for whoever gives a fuck and gets excited I posted - enjoy my night rant to make myself go to bed. To write something bigger I will probably need my person to be there with me and tell me to get my shit together.
Hope you have a good night.
