Letters to... @isangbella-er - Tumblr Blog

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New year is an oddly fascinating event. We stop everything for a day or two tod try and fool ourselves that the next cycle of the planet around the sun is going to be any ifferent from the last. It amazes me how the social comstruct of time can have such a huge impact on everyone. I want to be aware and yet i want to stay a child. To escape and restart every year like it wasn't tied to the last is a gift. Where my mind wanders to the people at hopitals; those studying researches that will have impact; those with jobs too time-sensitive to be won off by a celebration such as the new year.

This quarantine hasn't been the easiest experience for us but it has certainly proved our love to be strong. I love you, Wyatt. Thank you for enduring with me, kahit na minsan we have our selfish moments at nag babanggaan tayo ng pananaw. I'm glad to have you with me in this life.

I know it's not enough. I know I have not done enough. But i want to do better. I haven't cried this much for the welfare of other people, but my tears are not mainly of pity, they are tears of anger and frustration.

For the longest time i thought that we Filipinos were not disciplined, though partially still true, i now realize that this mentality is more prevalent with the privileged. Since those who have it easier have the means to follow the "rules" then it is easier for them to brand the marginalized as pasaway. When in truth the lower class is more victimized than ever and have only been pushed time and time again to break the "rules" in order to simply survive the harsh environment we all live in.

Rules, laws, regulations, and limitations, when running a country these terms must be inclusive and dynamic, they must cater to all kinds of people regardless if social class and backgrounds. The negligence that the government has shown it's people is prevalent now more than ever. They're passing bills to further their impure intentions and to silence the voice of the oppressed while leaving the working class and the marginalized to fend for themselves, barely lifting a finger when it comes to supporting its people.

For the longest time I've told my family that i never want to leave my country because i owe its people my education and because i know more help is needed here than elsewhere, for whoelse am i going to serve other than my countrymen. Now i am being tested, this government doesn't give a shit about its citizens, they don't care for supporting the healthcare system in a health crisis, a lot of other things have gone so wrong and so badly especially the past few months that their incompetence has been exposed, but i still want to live in my country. Only now, i know better the weight and responsibility i carry for choosing to stay. I will not stay as silent as i used to. I will slowly build up the courage to assert myself and voice out my concerns not just in a place where i know people agree with me but even in places where some may oppose me.

I miss high school friends

I still feel so small despite my accomplishments

Will i ever be enough? Because it seems like I'm either too independent or too clingy for you. And you never complain until it has been done. It seems too me like you're always waiting for me to do the thing that would make you upset. You just keep on saying yes nang hindi ko alam na naiirita ka na pala sa ginagawa ko. I'm not a mind reader, i can't always predict how you'll feel, and this relationship is a two-way communication. So maybe if it doesn't get across the first time you say it, tell me again or ask me in a manner not offensive. Because I'm tired of feeling like shit every time i do something na hindi ko naman alam na ikaka sama pala ng loob mo when you could have told me "don't go, spend more time with me", "is it okay if you don't come here, baka mapagod ka lang because I'm still working on my thesis pa"... Hindi ko sinasabing I'm not at fault rin, i say sorry naman. Putangina unang beses akong umiyak sa harap mo nang ganon kagabi pero ano, nung nag explain ako kung bakit, galit ka parin. Masakit. Masakit kasi hindi ko alam kung ano nang iniisip mo and wala, wala ka paring sinasabi. Like everything that comes out ofnyour mouth is just to defend yourself and not see where we both went wrong. I was wrong to assume that you could accomodate me, i only saw that nung sinabi mong cocopy mo na lang files mo. And then i asked bc sana pala hindi na lang kita naistorbo. We both made choices that would affect the outcome. Sana lang hindi natin sinisisi ang isa't isa dahil sa mga choice na yun dahil ginawa natin 'yun with our own free will. I left the hospital early, risking not finishing duty a day ealier, not telling my mom i went out, wrapping a gift while on commute just to see you. But i never mentioned it to you, if it was worth mentioning then i would have but you heard none of that from me kasi gusto talaga kitang makita one last time before you went home. If thesis wasn't worth mentioning then don't make it seem like i took the life out of you just because YOU made a choice to leave it. Fuck i am so frustrated and i thought we weren't supposed to make the people we love feel like shit. But i feel like I'm a piece of shit rn and i hate feeling like I'm only there when convenient.

I want to cry.

I also want you to understand that there are things i have to do on my own. But it doesn't mean that i don't need you or that i will leave. Because it hurts me to think that you see me as someone who will easily let go of what we have, when I'm trying my best to hold onto us and not lose myself in the process either.

africant

Up where they walk Up where they run Up where they stay all day in the sun Wanderin’ free Wish I could be Part of that world

College honestly fucked me up in so many ways. confidence and self esteem, iq and eq, like bitch i wasn't this person before. Rough patch but it aight, this too shall pass and imma bitch who'll come out better. WORD.

I can't even get angry anymore, i just feel sad. Like the fucking sad sap that i am and it's affecting the people that i love. Tangina self anuna

So bakit feel ko palapit na ako nang palapit sa pagsakit sa sarili ko? Di naman dapat ganito. Bakit ko iniisip to? Okay naman dapat sana ako kung may ginawa lang ako about it earlier. Kasalanan ko naman kasi eh... Ayoko na. Ayoko na talaga, lagi na lang akong ganito puta naman.

I wanna die

I have classes in a few hours and will probably be getting minimal sleep

And in the midst of this anxiety-filled episode i am having right now because of a certain caffeine loaded drink (aka Kopiko 78) that i chose to drink in hopes of staying awake for my afternoon course audit in quality control, i choose to profess my undying love for you. Here it goes...

True enough i could compliment everything you do and everything that you are and no doubt i love you, but if people were to ask me why i did i wouldn't be able to name exactly why. Because apart from the big things, it's those that go unnoticed which make me love you even more.

You're shy but you care for your friends (you love them a lot); you're great at kids (if it's Julia); you know when to keep things to yourself; you don't talk much (and probably people think you just talkshit them) but you're actually a great listener; you're a gentleman in your own right; you like food that's supposed to be hot, cold; and you judge people like how my my mom and dad do.

Sometimes there are thoughts that pass my mind. There are days i don't feel them, but there are days they're too hard to just pass up. To day is one of those days it's crept its way to the top of my head again, like a push and pull.

I hope you understand that when i do have these thoughts, i do not wish them here. Had it been my will I'd have thought of anything else but this. I love you and i hope you understand me for having them...

There are days when i sometimes think about hurting myself, i don't want it. I don't think i could do it but I'm hella scared of myself if someday i actually act on it. I hate myself for having them. I'm sorry, i knowni shouldn't be pushing this too hard on you. It might stress you, i don't want you to have to think that you're doing anything wrong because yoy aren't. And i can't stress it enough that you are enough. Just you. I'm sorry I'm like this. A thousand times I've told you, and once again I'm sorry.

it’s a small voice. it knocks and whispers in the softest of tones. though it be but little it can tug hard. then it grows - from the very depths ans corners of your mind, it creeps and slowly shows it self. it has bigger hands, strong muscles that pull harder with every step towards the light. towards the center of your mind. it expands; it breathes with every breath you take and it grows, filling your mind. eventually you find yourself stuck - the tables have now turned - you are now the small voice in the corner of your mind struggling to survive. sanity, that’s what it reads. that’s what you try and try to tell yourself again and again. what you hold onto, a thin string. what you’re balancing on, a fine line. it’s hard but you have to stay there. you don’t have much of a choice/ you endure and you try. every fucking day you struggle to survive. some days it stops pressing on you, other days it’s inches, centimeters, millimeters, so fucking close to tipping you over and vanishing. the letters of sanity seemingly fading into nothingness. no, no NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DON’T! DON’T!! DON’T!!! DON’T ALLOW IT!

#fuck

Ayoko na putangina ilang mahabang sulat pa ba kailangan kong isulat para sa kanila para malaman nilang hindi ako okay? Ilang timbang luha pa ba iiiyak ko para maramdaman nilang lunod na ako sa kalungkutang hindi ko rin naman sana gustong paunlakan? Ilang araw ko pa bang iindahin ang sakit sa ulo't katawan? Gaano pa katagal? Totoo ba? Nag iinarte lang ba ako? Magkakaroon lang ba ako kaya ako ganito? Selfish ba ako? Putangina ni hindi ko nga mai-iyak yung nararamdaman ko eh. Hindi ko nga mailabas sa mundo kasi hindi ko naman alam kung ano ba talaga 'to.

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