And it's just around the corner, darling
'Cause it lives in me
No, I could never give you peace.
Misplaced Lens Cap
we're not kids anymore.

Andulka
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@isangkalachuchi
And it's just around the corner, darling
'Cause it lives in me
No, I could never give you peace.
11/28/2024
Before I lose myself, I must detach this "feeling" (this alter persona ?) or else I might succumb to an ever spiraling feeling of shame, regret, alienation.
When the "depressive and empty sexual feeling" comes, I am trying to battle between two parts of me. My insanity is actually fighting for dominance as normalcy resists. When I fail, all I feel is nothing; this lasts for days.
Honestly speaking, I am repulsed. I hate myself. I am high maintenance. I hate myself. I just hate what happened to me. I just really really hate myself. Do you think I like living in this body? I yearn for kindness amidst this difficulty.
This is why I don't want to end up in a relationship again or anytime soon. I will never know peace not until I reach my final breath. And I do need more casualties from my unbecomingness.
And I need to solve this quickly before I lose everything... before I lose myself completely. Seven years and counting, and I am still lost. Hoping I find myself, but at what cost?
.
.
.
I must continue regardless of the hurt. But it is getting quite tiresome, and I don't know on how long I can keep living like this.
.
.
.
I don't need anyone to save me. I need to do this on my own. May the merciful Lord help me. May He take me away. I don't want to be "part of the madness" anymore. Somedays, I'm okay. But on others, I'm lost.
I've been reading poems lately because I picked up this 'Tomas' journal by the UST Center for Creative Writing and Literary Studies, and saw this particular phrase. I'm taking it out its original context:
"that during dark days, perhaps the place to seek solace, strength and salvation, is literature."
It somehow sparked that younger benny's fascination for poetry: how words, like music, tickles one's fancy. The last time I read poemsāunfortunately, it was those written by lang leav šāwas during SHS. (I treasure those made by my ex, which I keep close to me both figuratively and literally).
This also made me yearn and sad about my what might have beens if ever I pursued BFA CW in Ateneo. It frustrates me even more that my mother did not allow me to try for a scholarship.
I may not read poems as religiously anymore, but I listen to songs made by talented songwriters: taylor swift, the ridleys, etc... It's basically poetics but with music haha.
Anyways, I'm reading a poem and a stanza made me remember this pic Nikki sent me.
The stanza in question: "Name all sadness there is, so you live a life you can endure, even love."
And maybe, I would like to try and talk about my feelings instead of running away from them hahahahaha.
Bakit Ba Tayo Isinilang? by Ernani J. Cuenco
"I never got over childish dreaming" Just a line from Tennis that I resonate with so dearly. It just hits so close to home as someone who still has that "childish perspective" hahahaha. Not an inherently bad quality, but it just gets tiring at times haha. This is honestly one of their best songs! Like lyrically, sonically, it's so on point?
this might be an unpopular opinion but sometimesssssss people ruin their own fan experiences by dedicating too much energy to (ultimately harmless) things that bother them pls utilize the mute and filter buttons u will be so much happier
"I'm going to disappear and it's okay. Don't worry, I can't promise when, but I will return."
I don't feel my body. I don't feel it anymore.
Until now !
Okay feel ko na ulit HAHA (i still lose touch tho)
My Taylor Swift Album Ranking
Folklore
Evermore
Reputation
1989
Midnights
Lover
Red
Speak Now
Fearless
Taylor Swift (self-titled)
The Tortured Poets Department (I didn't even finish listening to this because what the hell is this.)
We always ask for organic in music. Someone who is truly grassroots and honest in their come up, someone who has had to find every possible solution the roadblocks that they face on their artistic journey. Look no further than Jan Romina, the Philippines based artist doing it all on her own, building a world of sound from her bedroom, one track at a time.Ā
Jan is constructing musical emotion to a degree few can match, bringing forth instrumental knowledge and intensity that few would expect but all are gladly impressed by. She understands the broken heart as much as she does a full one, as well as everything in between, as she traverses her fears of growing up by expressing it all in song.Ā
She often worries that due to her location she may not be able to break through into the music scene and that possibly her efforts wonāt go anywhere.Ā But if thereās one thing thatās certain, itās that her worries are completely irrational. Jan has the talent and emotional understanding to take herself anywhere, as long as she continues to stay honest and true to herself while releasing damn good music along the way.Ā
PM: First question as always, howās your day going?
JR: Well, although itās 1:16 am where I am from right now, my day is going pretty well. I canāt sleep because as usual, Iām listening to music and discovering new bops.
PM: Oh yeah? What have you been listening to as of late?
JR: Iām listening to āNobodyā by Mitski! and Vansireās new single, That I Miss You! Ā And songs from the 80s, which is my favourite era of music.
PM: When creating your own music, how do you find yourself implementing your influences into your own sound?
JR: l think subconsciously when I am on the process of creating my music, I am implementing their style and sound. Artists like Phoenix, Miniature Tigers, Tennis, The Smiths, Cuco and other artists from the indie scene have contributed to how I want my music to sound like. I realize and find myself implementing the sound of my influences after I listen and internalize the song I created. Then after, I can recognize the similarities. I really enjoy āpoppy synthā sounds and I think it was highly influenced by Phoenixās Bankrupt! album and Miniature Tigersā Cruel Runnings.
PM: So how did you come to create the sound you have apart from through influences? Did your environment and location growing up bring you on this path or did you find people in your life nudging you towards this train of creativity?
JR: Definitely with the help of GarageBand and learning different instruments. I first started to create sounds in my phone and then leveled up using the mac. The different instruments that came with it really helped me to create my sound. I made use of what I had just so I could make music.
I think everything that was mentioned had a significant part in how I was brought into the musical path. Singing contests happen a lot here in the Philippines and my mom constantly pushes me to join. At first, I disliked it because I was a really shy girl but then I grew to love it. Growing up, I am already surrounded with music because of my mother who is also a musician. I also have a friend, Ed, who is beginning to make music and we are helping each other somehow. Also, my friends and family are very supportive of what I do so now, I am more than inspired to create more and follow this train of creativity. Ā Special mention to Victor Internet, a very talented, kind and supportive person! I think my music wouldnāt be as known if he didnāt share it. So heās also one of the people that nudged me in the music/ indie scene.
PM: What is it for you about the indie scene that resonates with you and your journey as an artist?
JR: The indie scene provides a diverse playground wherein creativity is encouraged and experimentation with different styles are accepted and appreciated. This makes the indie scene capable of fostering the freedom of making music thatās really your own. There is also a beautiful simplicity as to how the indie genre presents itself. Personally, I find that this along with those I mentioned, relieves the pressure of being a novice. And itās not just about the music that encompasses this scene, itās also about the community that supports and participates in it. They encourage multi-cultural dialogue and a platform to discover and create music that has never been heard before.
PM: Absolutely, would you say the key there is that outsiders finally feel accepted into something larger than themselves? And if so, is that what you experienced in this scene compared to others?
JR: Yes. Itās an interesting feeling, having something as simple and as complex as music be a part of you and simultaneously make you feel like youāve found your home. The community is warm and open to beginners such as myself, which makes my communication with other artists and listeners easier. Iām still new in the scene so I am not certain about how it has been for other artists but Iām sure they probably feel the same as I do.
PM: Going forward, what skills and improvements do you hope to add to yourself as an artist to continue growing and accomplishing artistically?
JR: I super want to improve my skills in producing, playing the keyboard and the guitar! Being in depth with music theory is also one of my goals because it is undoubtedly going to enhance my skills as a musician artistically and professionally. I feel like thereās so much more I need to learn and improve that is essential to my growth as a musician. I am actually going to study music in college, so hopefully, Iāll be able to achieve these goals.
PM: Those are such fantastic ideas to get to, apart from music theory and music school, what are 3 goals you have set up for yourself that you hope to achieve?
JR: Oh my, Iāve been thinking a lot lately on performing my songs live! When I move to the city I would really love to do live shows and gigs! I think it would be one of the best feelings in the world to perform and sing my songs live and reach out to people. Apart from that, I am planning to release an album by September, assuming school wonāt hinder me from doing so. This coming August, Iām going to be releasing two songs! Lastly, I plan on collaborating with more artists!
PM: Letās talk a little bit more about moving and where you are now, is your current location limiting to your artistic endeavors and how do you hope moving will open doors for you?
JR: Iāve been living in Ilocos Norte, a province here in the Philippines and I think the only things that are limiting me is the inability to expand my music outside of the internet. Live shows arenāt much of a thing here. Although, as Iāve mentioned, when it comes to singing contests, Iām all in! But since Iām moving to the city of Manila, where you know, things happen, maybe I could grow as a musician by performing in shows. It is also going to be an advantage that I am going to be surrounded by musically inclined people constantly!
PM: Yeah! Changes like that can make a world of difference! As well, weāve talked about those that influence you and your art, but I wonder who it is YOU hope to inspire and who you hope to speak to with your work?
JR: I think timeless music moves this way. From every walks of life, it exists. Further, I want my music to inspire young and beginning musicians like myself. I want them to know that weāre in this together!
I also donāt really hand pick people who I want my music to relate to or speak to because I want it to resonate with everyone regardless of who they are, their background and any other factors that might come in to play.
PM: Thatās a beautiful way to put it. In your music, what topics and themes do you hope to talk about and why do they have significance to you as an artist?
JR: Aside from the usual romance content, since I am approaching a new life and things are inevitably going to change, it is going to fuel me to write about the experiences I am going to face may it be about friendships, sadness, love, really anything. Iām still young but I am growing older every day and I think it would be interesting to perhaps document this journey through my music and just be raw. Itās more of a narrative of what I am going to experience given this new change awaiting me. However, maybe someday I think I want to deliver more substance into my music meaning, I would want to share my views on advocacies and issues that are relevant to this era.
PM: What would you say are the one album and one movie that has meant the most to you most and why?
JR: Oh I find this question hard to answer! But I have to say Louder Than Bombs and The Queen is Dead by The Smiths (Iām sorry I couldnāt choose haha) because I have this personal connection with the content of their songs. I first listened to them when I was 14? I think. I was just a really sad teen and when I discovered the band, I instantly fell in love with their sound and that the lyrics of their songs relate to me. Theyāre just brilliant and listening to them made me happy somehow. Anyways, I know came to think that the films that are close to my heart are Begin Again and Her! I also really enjoyed watching when I was younger was Almost Famous. I remember I kept rewatching it. Lately, though, I was mind blown by Hereditary. It was fun and Iād honestly watch it again.
PM: If you could design the ultimate creative space, what would it include and how would it look? What personally do you look for when wanting to be creative and inspired?
JR: Ahhh, Iāve been envisioning about this a lot! Well, Iād really want a cinema and a studio in my own home! I would really want the studio to be cozy, low light and my favorite albums would be plastered on the wall, something like that. And it would include the essential instruments and gears for producing and a food bar. Ā This is just a dream for now. Iām really broke, like Iām going to be selling my electric guitar and Iām just borrowing my uncleās microphone. Honestly, I donāt really look for anything. I just let myself be because I donāt want to force my art when Iām not feeling it. Some days, I wake up full of inspiration and creativity and when I am in that state, thereās not stopping for me. Some days, I just feel disconnected, but thatās okay.
PM: Agreed, you canāt ever force creativity. Now, whatās one book everyone reading this should pick and why?
JR: āLifeās Little Instruction Bookā by H. Jackson Brown Jr. Itās minimal but substantial.
PM: And final question: do you have anyone or anything to shout out or promote?
JR: NEW SONG NEXT WEEK (OR THE WEEK AFTER THAT), TITLED āCLOSE TO YOUā. ALSO, SHOUT OUT TO THE PEOPLE WHOāVE LISTENED AND SUPPORTED MY MUSIC! YOU GUYS ARE COOL!
Follow Jan Romina on Instagram and Twitter
Listen on Soundcloud and Spotify
Face Painting. šļø
I AM FREE !
I hear the music, I feel the beat / And for a moment, when I am dancing / I am free .
That one philosophical quote from FH
Ang pagpapalaya ay pagbibigay lakas, pagbibigay kakayahan (āTo set free is to empower, to grant capabilitiesā). - Florentino Hornedo
Dr. Fe is the GOAT. Istg.
She gave me such good advice especially telling me to not turning my readings into the bible. Changed how I read now!
Thank God for Dr. Fe!!! She made libre me and Adrian kanina (Nov 23)!!! I wish her good health and long life!
The Afables have resurrected me back to life fr fr !!! HAHAHA š without them, i wouldn't have gained confidence in myself hahaha.
Love love love Doc Fe so much hahahaha.
I don't feel my body. I don't feel it anymore.
Until now !
Wow i dreamt of him again HAHAHAHA š„¶ hayst! I'm so tired of my dreams HAHAHAHA
gago six consecutive days????????????????
Just putting this out there ... But I dreamt of him out of nowhere last August ! HAHAHA
CLAIMING IT! This 2024, I'll be publishing my work hehe
Malapit na, benny .