night after night, i dreamt of other lives. little fragments of impossible histories in another world and time. but i always remembered with an almost blinding clarity calling myself by another name. a mortal name. donna troy.
- floyd is into like . . . . dumb porny roleplay where he pretends to be like , the pizza guy , or someone’s gay roommate , or even on one occasion an elf ( he refuses to acknowledge that last one happened but it absolutely happened )
- he likes to make his partners dress up in wonder woman outfits
- hes a leg and boob man and keeps trying to get thomas to shave his legs but thomas doesn’t even wear deodorant so he doesn’t
- 100% into femdom and any woman who is stronger and bigger than him
- not really into threesomes ; doesn’t like having more than one person in bed with him and prefers to only have to pay attention to one partner
- jeannette got him into bdsm stuff and now he likes to spice things up with like . . . spanking or handcuffs , even if he doesn’t always need the hardcore bondage / roleplay / edging to get off like she does
- yes: edging , bondage , roleplay , getting bossed around no: anal , lots of pain maybe: sounding , getting slapped around , choking
he’s refusing to look at his rogue partner, so he settles by playing with the end of his black coat - older than life itself. this is not the scarecrow, but maybe this isn’t jon either – MAYBE IT IS, who knows, he isn’t himself anymore, he’s a mix of absolute stress and love, was jonathan going soft ??
no. inside the mess that he is, he’s still jon, and he’s still the scarecrow, and that’s a life he can’t hide away from.
❝ — i can’t, can’t leave the kid alone in my place, but who the hell is going to take care of him ?? if anyone finds out, i’m going to be a fucking target, lawton. ❞ NOT EXACTLY THE BEST THING TO BE CONFESSING TO A HITMAN, and in his right mind he wouldn’t, but he’s tired.
floyd’s eyes widen a little . just a tad . barely noticeable , and only then if you’re looking . why’s crane telling him THIS ? all they have is a deal - floyd’s hired protection , and crane’s to get on with his business . this doesn’t feel like any of his business .
‘ look , i’m just HERE for the cash , ’ floyd tries to explain . a beat . ‘ you shouldn’t be telling me this . ’ he lets his cigarette DANGLE , not taking another drag as his eyes now narrow , trying to figure out what’s going to happen next . if he doesn’t get this job , he doesn’t get paid , he doesn’t make his hotel fee for tonight . but he’s not wrong . floyd knows a thing or two about making kids targets . this doesn’t look like the scarecrow he remembers , but he , too , knows how having children can change you . for the better or the WORSE .
‘ . . . don’t they have ‘sitting services online these days ? ’
(heavy tw for (child) abuse of all kinds, suicide, self harm, and discussions of mental illness)
floyd suffers not only from ptsd but from complex ptsd or c-ptsd - a subtype of ptsd which shows up in cases of elongated trauma over a period of years - often , and in this case , in childhood . he was diagnosed with ptsd ( but not c-ptsd) by the therapist on call at belle reve , though he refused to do anything about it .
i. safety seeking mechanisms
people who grow up in unstable environments and go through the stress of unexpected and violent situations often become attached to things they believe they can protect them , in addition to having paranoid behaviors . smoking makes floyd feel safe because he is in control of what he's doing and his body . guns make him feel safer because they mean that he has a means to defend himself and fight back against people who would hurt him and the people he cares about .
ii. violent flashbacks
emotional flashbacks are a type of flashback common in c-ptsd - where the person suffering from it , typically without realizing it , will , when triggered , regress to the emotional state they were in at the time the trauma happened to them . floyd becomes violent when people trigger him by bringing up his own fatherhood in relation to his son , edward , because he was violent when edward was kidnapped .
iii. emotional repression & dissociation
floyd copes with his emotions - many of which are negative - by repressing them , pushing them down as deep inside of himself as he can , and doing his best to numb them with things like alcohol . floyd often doesn't feel quite really in his body , and is detached from it , which makes it easier to let himself get hurt and to hurt himself .
iv. fight/freeze coping dichotomy
people with c-ptsd often have one or two main methods they use to cope with their trauma . floyd , when triggered , defaults to fight and freeze . he becomes aggressive , fighting back , becoming irritable and angry and taking it out on people around him . the fight reflex sometimes shows itself in homicidal impulses and violent intrusive thoughts . he also freezes , coping by dissociation and repression , often using alcohol to numb himself . the emotional repression and dissociation symptoms become more intense when he's triggered.
v. suicidal impulses and actions
floyd is suicidal - primarily passively ; he does aggressive and reckless things that he expects to get himself killed . he says that he doesn’t care if he dies or not , and has had a reckless disregard for his own life for years - since he was a teenager .
floyd experience multiple types of trauma which caused this reaction in him , all of which affect him to this day .
i. childhood physical and emotional abuse
floyd's father beat him and his brother as 'punishment' ; often , eddie took the beatings in floyd's place .
i. normalization of violence
the severe violence that floyd grew up with as a child - once or twice culminating in broken bones - and , later , the death of eddie i , brought death and violence into his life at a young age . he sees it as a ‘normal’ , almost , experience , one that’s to be expected from the world and his life . it numbed him , gave him the knowledge of the world as a violent place and his own place in it as a violent person .
ii. startle reflex
floyd’s startle reflexes - and one of his triggers - is getting startled from behind or having his wrists grabbed . he gets violent , and has trouble being close physically to people that aren’t people he trusts the most .
iii. emotional incompetence
floyd never got good role models when it came to interaction . his relationships are often dysfunctional because he just doesn’t figure how to treat people , and though he learns more as he goes on , his young self is particularly dysfunctional and his romantic relationships are often tense .
ii. childhood sexual abuse
floyd was sexually abused by his mother at various points in adolescence ; and witnessed his mother sexually abusing his brother / was aware of it happening . by the time he was thirteen , he'd blocked it out , and still does not remember (a condition called dissociative amnesia) - though he sometimes gets mini-memories that come up and he pushes all the way back down . the trauma still remains , though slightly blunted . floyd's main triggers are mentions of sexual abuse , being emotionally manipulated , and very ornate rugs in a parisian style .
i. hypersexuality/hyposexuality
floyd oscillates between being hypersexual (very sexual) and being hyposexual (sex-repulsed) . he dislikes the emotional commitment that comes with relationships , but often solicits escorts when he wants to have sex . he's primarily hyposexual , and often becomes hypersexual when he's in a situation where he's triggered .
ii. distrust of women
floyd distrusts women , and often believes that they are out to get something from him , or manipulating him behind the scenes . he associates women getting emotional with being emotionally manipulated ; this is where some of his misogyny stems from .
iii. obsession with abuser(s)
floyd is fixated on his parents and what they did to him . he blames both of them , to some degree , for eddie's death - but mostly his mother . he sometimes insists he was "born an orphan" or "had no parents" - and took a very specific , thought out revenge on his mother for all she had done to him .
iii. eddie's death
floyd shot his brother on accident when his brother attempted to kill his father at his mother's behest ; he meant to shoot the gun out of his brother's hand , but missed , and hit him in the head instead . this could easily be called the most formative moment of floyd's life . he remembers the moment when he pulled the trigger and seeing the gun go through eddie's head , but he did not remember what lead up to the incident for about five years ( until he was nineteen or twenty ) .
i. traumatic fixation
floyd was adept with guns before the incident , but afterwards became even more obsessed with them . he trained as much as he could , until it took up almost all of his waking moments , determined to never miss again .
ii. nightmares
floyd has nightmares about his parents , about eddie , about the day that eddie died , and also occasionally about batman . he usually wakes up and drinks to forget them .
iii. recreation and habitual retraumatization
the route of an assassin seemed natural for floyd . every time he pulls the trigger , it's like he's reliving that first moment - hoping it might turn out different . it doesn't , of course , because he never misses . he gets himself back around into these self triggering situations over and over , and almost dissociates every time he shoots - despite feeling a thrill for danger and excitement .
iv. eddie ii's death
eddie the ii , son of floyd’s divorced wife , is kidnapped by people who want to get to him . floyd goes on a rampage to get him back instead of cooperating , leaving bodies in his wake . he gets there too late , and eddie ii is molested and murdered by a pedophile .
i. retraumatization
the situation activated floyd’s own trauma and reminded him of his traumatic childhood ; this was part of the reason he reacted so violently and refused to cooperate . it made the trauma from the event that much more intense , and made him very afraid for the people close to him .
ii. emotional distance
eddie’s death was the nail in the coffin when it came to floyd’s relationships with other people . even the people he did care about , even a little, weren’t safe from him and his work . afterwards , floyd was more unstable , cared less about himself , and began to take on more and more suicidal missions .
“ I was not like the rest of you. I was MORAL. ” Bane speaks without looking at the other. He’s sure that Floyd is there for a fight, && who would blame him ? The man had gotten the entirety of the Secret Six put in prison. It was only natural they’d find out this was PURPOSEFUL. “ –&& yet my soul is still on the track all of you head towards. Ironic, no ? I was a comedy for so long because I believed it would grant me my path of innocence, but I was && always will be damned. ” He finally turns around then, ready for the brawl that is sure to come. “ No more. I will not be laughed at any longer. I a m B A N E. ”
‘ and look at you now , ’ floyd snarls . ‘ just as high and mighty as the rest of them . you blaming US you failed your shot at redemption ? fucking face it . people like us don’t GET redemption . we’re damned from the first time we put on the costume . it’s not our fault you can’t accept that . ’
and in the end ? floyd’s not here for HIMSELF . he’s here for scandal . and alice . and thomas . because god knows where they are . he’d almost - almost , maybe , if he’d squinted and taken a few shots and prayed to god and the devil , had a place to be . people to care about , even a little , as much as he was capable of . as they all were capable of .
‘ you’re a moralistic fool . and i’m taking you DOWN . ’
Mary follows him out cheerfully – she catches the packs and glances quickly toward the idling car, thinks snitch at the driver behind the tinted windows and shoves them in her pockets before he can see. She’s left the store without buying anything, but that’s fine. She hadn’t really gone in to buy anything in the first place.
“Any time,” she replies easily. Whether that much is true is anyone’s guess. “Your fake ID’s shitty.” Her shoe scuffs on the pavement; another car rolls past, honks its horn loudly at an old lady trying to make it across the street. Mary’s nose wrinkles. “You want a lift?” she asks, pointedly ignoring the confrontation. “Or are you too busy tearing down the upper class?
‘ i’m going to get the fucking asshole who sold it to me , ’ floyd grumbles . ‘ she SAID it wouldn’t fail me . ’ he’s not going to get her ; she’s already gone . and floyd wouldn’t off someone for that anyways . not that he’s EVER offed someone .
except -
( that doesn’t count )
‘ the bourgeousie suffer when deprived of profit , ’ floyd explains patiently . ‘ if we all refused to pay them , the system would COLLAPSE . ’ then he flicks his eyes to her ; he didn’t know she was important enough to have a chauffeur . he shrugs out a yes anyways , stuffing hands in his pockets . it would be rude to smoke in the car , right ? will told him that was rude . so he doesn’t . even though it makes him twitchy and irritable and he can feel his eyes getting more bloodshot by the freaking second .
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