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Hang ups

This is it. This is what it comes down to.

Ok, so I admit my 90 day challenge experiment was a little more than I could handle, especially at the time I was handling it.

I do however, need to completely revamp my life if I am going to make any sort of progress. The other thing I need to do is make a note of ideally what “progress” looks like.

Leaving the house without having to ramp up for 3 hours? Completing a project without an enforced deadline? Actually making a career for myself? Not switching it every two minutes? These are ways I need to change my mind set. That’s important. But there’s more.

Here’s the hugest thing of all:

Kelly Brogan’s “A mind of Your own” In the process of reading this.

She is a functional medicine doctor completely in support of going off SSRIs. Her findings do not support their function, which is to target serotonin. Studies do not support that serotonin has anything to do with depression. However, getting off these drugs can be worse than trying to wean off heroine because they’ve created such an imbalance.

I’m going to be coming off. I’m going to be seeing a functional medicine doctor who can support me in what I’ve been saying all these years. These medications are unsuccessfully patching up areas when there are deeper issues at stake. “You wouldn’t take tylenol for a piece of glass stuck in your foot” Kelly Brogan says.

Doctors never test you for any other sort of imbalance before throwing you on this stuff, because it is in their best interest for you tobe. They are wined and dined by the pharm. companies. This system is seriously messed up and infuriating.

I will now be making this blog about my process in this endeavor and my findings in this book I am reading, as this is the most important thing in my life.

I seriously believe, that these drugs have effected my life for the worse, and I wonder if I would have been a completely different person if I hadn’t gone on them at 16. Half my life. How would I be? The feeling of flatness I experience, constant compensation for their side effects? I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around how I could be, what could have been different. Infuriating.

Non challenge

I guess overall everything didn’t go as planned. I have taken some hopeful steps about my life direction. I’m tackling my social anxiety and feel myself improving. Keeping track of finances, though at this point I’m not sure what good it does me.

Things need to change. I need to write. I need to exercise. I need to waitress less. Working on changing mentality.

My lack of stick-to-itiveness is concerning. It’s to the point where I feel that I should stop making announcements about any life events because they may fall short or I’ll get bored or give up too quickly.

I’m not happy. I am considering moving out of New York.

Goodnight

Or something like that date.

Have I made this any different than when I began?

I am thinking about my future and finances.

I am not

-eating as well as I should be

-sleeping enough

-exercising

-avoiding hair pulling

-writing journals

-blogging.

I’m in the process of starting up something again. Every thing has it’s ups and downs and points where abandonment may be the easiest way.

I keep telling myself I’ll start this up again. I’m working a lot. Maybe there is some sort of fear based thing that is keeping me constantly occupied...(yet in the end I can’t get ahead financially), so maybe it serves as a distraction.

How can I break this down to make this easily accessible? I over shot before. I keep arriving back at that fact. I am afraid of things without an all or nothing approach.

“If I do this. I do it EVER DAY 110%!” Then eventually it whittles back down to zero. Moderation.

What is the most important. What do I value?

I value being on top of my finances, being fit, and moving forward in my career and as a person. Ideally I think I should be able to address all this daily. And if I can’t, the truth is, I’m working too much.

I just heard that Wayne Dyer died. He was the one to introduce me to the Tao and this quote which keeps me going “The Journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step.”

More to think about. More actions to take.

I know it's been a while. I feel pretty guilty about that as I am falling off. I've been busy again as I picked up another job so I'm training and working 2 again. I started this program "zero to launch" about building an online business. I'm trying to come up with a good idea based on my strengths. Per class I've been doing a lot more writing again, it feels like something I could actually do with myself for a career. Check in with other things. Sugar, started eating again. I actually read somewhere that sugar creates an alkaline ph in the body which is responsible for causing cancer. I've been exercising sporadically... Not enough. Hair pulling has been bad. With all this stuff I realize I have the mentality "I already fell off, so what's the point." Which is a crippling attitude to have any where in life. I get disinterested and disheartened very easily because I don't see a desired outcome. I'm able to stick to the Candida diet because it's about killing off yeast. You can't cheat on that. Or the Virgin diet, which cannot be cheated on either because it will mess with your discovery of sensitivities. Left up to my own devices of just being on something "just to be healthier" it's hard for me. My commitment wanes. So to begin this again. I will make this about an exercise in discipline. I need to focus on less things. Originally I think I started this because I was unhappy with who I was and wanted to make a dramatic change. Being at a place I hated, working constantly and creating this overwhelming challenge was doing too much. People told me it was too much but I believed I wanted to change so bad and so immediately that I packed it all on. Eating well, not pulling out my hair, exercising, writing daily, cleaning and doing stuff for others should be things I shouldn't do anyway. What do I eliminate. I am still off Facebook. I wonder if I fill it with other things. Keep goingz

50?

I've lost track honestly. This weekend has been too quick with a complicated Halloween party that of course involved eating sugar. I had been doing well. Went on a few job interviews the other day. Training somewhere tomorrow. Heavy cleaning projects. Not exercising. Not journaling. Revised a sketch for class. It's funny how the more you write the less you hold on to your ideas. My sketches are shorter now and more succinct. If something needs to be changed I don't toil and moan "ohh, I really liked that part." I have a thicker skin now. I went to a party and felt pretty confident about my conversational skills. People were laughing at my jokes. I spent a lot of money on something that's supposed to grow an online business. Nervous. It's basically instructing you how to write an ebook and develop a product. I can't really come up with anything. I'm not sure what I'm good enough at that I could write a book on like an expert. But this is a step by step reputable process. We'll see. Still pulling hair. What happened? Goodnight, friends.

Things are steady but not on track. Been pulling out a lot of hair with no attempt to stop. I wonder why I completely dropped off in this way. Whenever I start something I abandon it. I've been very aggressive about it. Exercised. Worked. Keeping on top of finances. Didn't journal. "The journey of 10,000 miles beings with a single step." I will commit to one element tomorrow. No hair pulling. Then gauge how that goes for the day and follow from there. I'm still feeling shitty about being let go from work. I think this is partially me being destructive to myself. Let it go. Good night

Today was decent. Worked, then dropped my resume off at a few places. Avoided sugar, dairy and caffeine. Talked to a friend about potential career path. Looking up. Keep going.

So, it's actually more than 45. But 45 days is my half way point and it's time to reset. I got let go from one of my jobs, and to be honest, I am relieved because I have more time now. So now is a good time to do what I should be doing. Before it wasn't possible. I was relying on the food they were feeding me, getting home late and working every day without days off. Reset: No sugar No dairy No gluten Drink water every hour Morning journal Night meditations Daily exercise No more hair pulling Nightly cleanings Writing!

I miscalculated when I should be done with this. I thought it was going to be Nov 7th, but it will be December 7th. I guess that's good though because I am off track. In two days I will be half way done and that is a good place to examine why I am falling short and what needs to change. I over shot though. But I want to be the kind of person who follows through. Things aren't on base. And I've been exhausted and I guess slightly depressed. I ATE CUPCAKES TODAY. Tomorrow I have no excuses. It's a gym day. It's a writing day.

Not sure why I decided it was ok to blog every other day. I am letting a lot of things slide. I guess I feel embarrassed about reporting because I have been 1. Pulling out my hair 2. Eating gluten and dairy 3. Not exercising 4. Not am journaling 5. Not writing. 6. Have been cleaning though. I had a Brazillian news crew come to interview me today about my time off of Facebook. They were doing a segment about technology detoxes. They wanted to see my account so I had to activate it again. I started thinking about how that's the only thing I have been keeping up with, and I wondered if I didn't deactivate it, if I would still just check it periodically. Do I need the outside force creating boundaries and restrictions? The reason why my eating habits are falling off is because I can usually exist with an all or nothing. Though I had a few cheat days with sugar, that has been kept at bay. Tomorrow I have a day off, I will catch up. I want to do better. I think I need to reexamine my life choices. I have a job that gets me in so late and exhausts me so much that it's difficult for me to do anything else. This is supposed to be a side job. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to do better.

This is soooo long!!!!!! This challenge is so long. I feel that I need a reset. I go back and forth. I pulled hair today. A chunk. I ate sugar. I did not exercise. I wrote a sketch but that is because it's due for class. I ate a small amount of gluten and dairy. Nothing is different. How did I lose momentum? I haven't been writing in the morning. I occasionally meditate at night. Still keeping track of finances. Can I renew all this for tomorrow? I think challenges are yes, about not breaking the chain, but also treating each day as your first. And if you fall off, restart, don't abandon. I won't focus on why this happened, I will just focus on staying on track. Ok. To meditate. Good night. -Fay

Falling off track with the entries lately. And exercise. And hair pulling and writing and am journaling. Meditated. Ate well. Frustrated. Working too much. Goodnight

This is a midday post. I haven't been able to perform at night because I've been too exhausted. Been having insomnia with my wacky sleep schedule. It trickles into the next day and makes meeting goals seemingly impossible. Exercise has suffered. What would John Wooden say? Or Tony Robbins or whomever. They would probably say forge ahead anyway. My rare days off are packed full of errands. I had sugar last night. It was there in front of me at our sketch meeting. Usually I am able to resist but i just have been feeling some strange anxiety. Worth taking note of. I started thinking about why I started this. I did it because I feel like all I do is work at a job I've taken to pursue something I'm not pursuing, and how I'd like to remedy this. My original goals were to write every day, and be more in touch with myself. Since I've started this though I have two jobs, one that makes me stay up late. It's almost like the opposite of my intentions have materialized. What can I do differently? Work less. Hmm.

Two days absent again. Exhaustion, over working,etc. Went to yoga today. Will write tomorrow. Have an interview. Eating well. No gluten, dairy or sugar. Doing cleaning projects. I'm working too much so I feel like I have nothing interesting. My mom thinks I have taken on too much with this challenge. There are occasions when I still mess up at work. I feel like anyone can see that I'm improving. It's easy to make stupid mistakes on their antiquated system. A man came up to me and said "why don't you have computers?" "I don't know, I wonder that myself." All my stupid mistakes make me realize that I need to be patient with people. One thing I can't ever tolerate is laziness. But If I see someone trying their hardest and they make occasional mistakes, I would forgive them. People have different learning curves and hang ups. How can you be shitty to them if they're doing their best? I think that makes you a shitty person. My own experience has taught me to be more tolerant with others. If someone's not as skilled as you in one area, how is that in any way their fault? Anyway. My learning disability, or whatever I have... Has taught me to be patient. I guess maybe I'm lucky to have it. (It makes me less of an asshole.)

I am aware I skipped two days of blogging. My exhaustion levels have been out of control. Exercise is nihlz. Gluten and dairy have been eliminated for two days. No sugar. All I've been doing is working. I am still thinking about becoming a health coach. I have a goal to work like crazy and apply in the New Year. Journaling. Yes. Writing: yes two days ago. Not today. Keeping track of finances. Trich ( hair pulling) has not been perfect but it's been about one time per day. Social anxiety hasn't been great. I need to sit down and get out my book on CBT. Unfortunately I don't have time to do all this. I've been making due with the time I have. Today I took a long nap and felt guilty about. But I realize I get in usually past 1 and work 2-3 doubles a week. I wish I were the kind of person who could be ready to go after being on my feet all day and getting 5 hours of sleep, but I'm not. And the reason I am doing this is so I have time to pursue a career I'm not pursuing because I am too exhausted (eh among other reasons) I'd love to find a way around this or *gasp* a different side job. I also feel guilty about not making this more interesting. Bai

Day two of no gluten and dairy. It was near impossible to get out of bed. I wrote. I did burpees. I worked a double. It's hard to exercise on top of that. Writing didn't happen because of double. Reading: " money a love story" keeping track of expenses. Need to find a nutritionist I feel like there is not a lot to write today. Just a check in. I feel like all I do is work so there is nothing to report. I'm not really excited by this existence since I feel like I never really get ahead no matter how much I work. This is the first time I have had a server job with a check in New York. And was excited to see that literally almost half my check went to taxes. Anyway, I guess all that I can focus on right now is journaling and eating. I'll hopefully write creatively tomorrow. Once the year is over I will probably need to reissue the 90 day challenge once I have more time. I know it's about making time, but I am not going to sacrifice sleep to make this happen. Anything less than 7 hours is not ok. I go nao bai

I PROMISED CHECKLISTS It's important to see an emoticon next to a task!!! ✅Food: avoided sugar and gluten. Not sure about dairy because I had left over Indian food. ✅ exercise: exercised briefly maybe around half an hour at gym. Never feel like I do enough ✅ social anxiety: I haven't been doing any exercises. It was interesting to work that reprogramming woman about early thoughts though. Today I did ok. Made conversation with people in sketch class. Sometimes I feel like I am being off putting. Maybe I am and I need to work on that or I will just find people to accept me. ✅hair pulling. Pulled out a few. These past couple days haven't been as good with that but no where near as bad as they usually are ❎didn't write today... Or journal! I woke up crazy tired because of only getting 5 hours of sleep ❎didn't do a cleaning project ❎ try to be less of a selfish jerk. I haven't made any progress with this since I started. I got in a fight with The guy at the print shop today and now I feel like a jerk. I was kinda right because none of his shit was working but I stormed out. I hate confrontations. The rest of the day I felt a cloud of negative energy around me. Meh. Meditation time

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