𝙞𝙨𝙝𝙖𝙣𝙞

☽ 𝘴𝘢𝘨𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘶𝘴 ☼ 𝘤𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘳/𝘱𝘰𝘦𝘵 𝘐 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘥 𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘺 𝘵𝘦𝘦𝘵𝘩 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘐 𝘭𝘢𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘭𝘰𝘶𝘥 '𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘴𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘯', 𝘐 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥

[ishxni]

I can't hate you for something

I couldn't remember until the

other mornings I can’t hate you

for something you possibly went through too

I wonder if they did to you the same

that you did to me

But my mind blocked out that day

I would've never remembered

Ever

Suddenly I've gone back in time

when she tells me, i felt like

A scared child again

Sobbing and screaming

Begging to be let out the house that

I was too small to be alone in

Crying for my mum

Begging my dad to let me out

Let me out, please, I'm sorry,

Just let me out!

Gone back to banging on the door

Back to being so afraid

Gone back to thinking what I did wrong to

Deserve this - too young

To understand that maybe

Your parents did the same to you

Gone back ten yeas not having looked back

But new l remember it all,

I wen t back to that moment

Relived it all

Told it back in a different perspective

That I didn't respond to well.

I never cried at a memory

The tears fell quicker than I could blink

I could hear the screaming

I could hear the crying like

I was someone else in the house

That tragic memory

Long lost and wished you never came back

You pushed me a step back

Humbled me a little

You rattled that part of me that needs healing

And so if I can't hate you

then I don’t know what to do

[ishxni]

I hope this is my last goodbye - ishxni

my body is filled with all the goodbye

I wish that I could say,

it’s cluttered and battered with

all the memories of the ones I

packed in a suitcase and brought with me,

I wonder if every drink I pick up

is filled with a memory of you because

my mind always strays back with you.

I wish you let me say goodbye,

I hated finding out the way I did

I wish I knew sooner,

that my heart was screaming at me

that I wasn’t the only one for you anymore,

you left me here,

you’re the reason for everything I did

and everything I said,

and I’m regretting all that time I wasted

chasing you,

leaving me with nothing but making me

hate myself all over again,

because you were my chance of happiness

in the midst of things

and I thought it was my fault why you didn’t

want me anymore,

but it wasn’t, was it?

It wasn’t my fault,

but still my goodbyes are all filled with apologies

[ishxni]

“𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘐 𝘥𝘪𝘥 𝘵𝘰𝘰,

𝘐 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥’𝘷𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘺𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘧 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘺,

𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘪𝘥𝘯’𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘮𝘦, 𝘴𝘰 𝘸𝘦 𝘭𝘦𝘧𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯.”

- (from a work in progress by ishani)

[ishxni]

you haunted me all through November- ishani

summer ended with sadness,

my mind lingered all through the autumnal

fall, and I thought right back to you,

you and your soft brown eyes,

and everything we said,

thing things you’d say to me,

and said goodbye with all

the things I should’ve said

which led me right back to you

in a different form,

he was perfect

the perfect criminal,

everything I thought I was looking for

crept behind me blindly,

put me right back in the same place as before.

I went back home to the place

you left me,

with someone new,

but I left without him too,

making me miss you more than before,

yearning you greatly.

Autumn ended sooner,

sadness replaced with yearning,

to once single thread tied me to you,

I don’t want you,

nor am I in love with you,

yet I’m yearning you

because I wish I could’ve

fallen in love with someone like you.

You’re kind,

you’re funny,

everything that he wasn’t,

and still my mind stays with him,

I think of what you said to me

time and time again,

filled me up with empty promises

which left me wanting more,

so my mind reminisced you in all kinds of way,

leaving me hating you more than I

did before.

Autumn turned to winter,

The air smells of Christmas,

reminding me that soon I’ll return back

to the place you left me all that time ago,

I’ve come to accept to how badly

you hurt me,

struck a knife to my heart

filled with the words I wish you said,

the truth I wish you told me,

making me wish that summer warned me sooner,

I left home in pain,

I went back with someone new,

I left without him too,

so now when I go back,

I’ll have to think about the nights

my walls watched me fall

apart at the tip of your fingers,

going back to the place I left behind,

with the same girl I left behind.

[ishxni]

Ghost - ishani

my mouth tastes of all the things

i should’ve said to you,

my tongue heavy as I can feel you

underneath it,

your name slips out of my mouth

as easy as it is to breath,

but I’m not calling out to you,

nor talking to you,

I’m telling them how much I miss you,

and I can’t help but miss you.

I miss you like you’re dead,

and that’s what makes it worse -

knowing that you’re out there too,

doing half as much as me,

but happier than me,

I miss you like you

were in my life

forever.

[ishxni]

You were my greatest what if - ishani

You are my greatest what if;

what if you fell in love with me,

or if I fell in love with you?

What if I stayed for those

last 10 minutes would you have

kissed me or not?

What if you had kissed me that night,

would have have only been a one night

drunk moment, never looked back?

what if you kept your promise,

and waited for me whilst you were

in Toulouse for three weeks?

What if I didn’t go crawling back to

you each time you found

your way back to me?

What if I kept crawling back to you

after all this time, would I still be aching

over you?

Actually no - I am still aching over you,

your name slips off my tongue when

i say that I miss you.

What if I finally got over you?

What if I was finally brave enough

to let you go?

Delete the pictures of you in my camera roll,

delete the messages that we shared forever

and what if I did?

Would I finally be happy?

[ishxni]

Wet Dream - ishani

Your hands running up and down

my arms,

you meet a pressure point,

your fingers running over it,

you don’t know what you’re doing to me,

I squeeze my legs together,

your hands keep going,

and my heart beating faster and faster,

i want you to take me.

I think of you at night,

your hands running over that sweet spot,

the sweetest spot,

and a vibration between my legs,

head back in a pillow,

seeing your face,

feeling your fingers over my sweet spot,

the sweetest spot’

that’s all I need because now

you’re in my mind rent free,

whilst I’ve let it all go

[ishxni]

If I Can’t Have Love, I Want Power - ishani

I miss who I was before I met you,

before you stared at me under that

god damn arch, in the pouring rain;

because as soon as I touched you —

I craved you,

i took the wrong advice and left you

wanting more,

and merely for a moment

it worked,

and I was craving this power where

I’d say “jump” and you’d go flying.

You made me power drunk,

to which I fell in love, and before I could

realise I passed on this power to you,

and you relished in how you had me

trapped in your fist and living off of the

attention that you would feed to me,

left me craving you,

yearning you.

You abused your power, and in some ways

you abused me, you fed of the scars that

you left me with, and now I feel like

I’m fading away,

when you left me with no good bye,

you left me and I died.

[ishxni]

It’s a cliché - ishani

I think I like you more than you like me,

i think you liked me first,

but I liked you harder.

You fell first,

but I fell harder.

I never fell in love with you,

but i knew that if I let myself,

I would’ve really really fucking loved you,

but it seems as if I barely knew you.

I think you played me,

teased me,

talked me up,

for no reason whatsoever,

you didn’t gain anything,

but I lost everything,

because you gave me enough to leave me

feeling like I was outside of

my body,

fell right back to the beginning

where you looked at me with

your soft brown eyes which in the moment

we’re forever mine,

paid me enough attention that

i fell right back to the beginning in which

i died in your eyes thinking I was the

most beautiful thing you ever did see.

I think I like you more than you like me,

i hate to admit that it’s stuck

in my mind, even after weeks of you

leaving me and coming back to me,

and making me fall right back to where we began,

under that arch in the pouring rain,

right back to where we began,

your hands on me,

the five minutes I didn’t stay,

right back to where we began,

giving me hope,

giving me false hope,

giving me attention,

giving me all the right words,

for you to just have me,

have my soul,

have me whole,

just entirely yours,

by nothing but your words.

[ishxni]

untitled - ishani

I’ve missed you all summer,

I missed your lingering touch,

and your smile,

and your stupid fucking hair.

I missed it all.

I missed you all summer,

even in the moments I had you,

you let me run back to you knowing

that catching you was like trying

to capture a ghost.

You slipped from my fingertips,

like the hot smoke from the joint between my fingers,

and you’d let me try to relight our flame

a thousand times,

and every time you let my spirts rise.

You were my ghost in human flesh,

and you passed back and forth between my heart

and lingering at the seams where you ripped it apart,

and then you would come back, here I’d go crawling,

and forgiving you became second nature to me,

and each time I told myself you’d stay for good,

but still you’d float away to everyone

else whilst you kept me with unkept,

empty promises.

I missed you all summer,

and I wish you could’ve just let me

say good bye,

one last time for good,

and then you wouldn’t come back

and haunt me like a lost ghost.

[ishxni]

Hopeless romantic - ishani

I know that the ending will always end the

same, that maybe it’s not worth trying to

remind myself,

that’s it’s okay to get hurt every once

in a while, but I don’t think I can do it again.

This story,

I’ve seen it before

in different fonts,

the same but not quite sure

what it is between us,

but something.

My timeline filled with tarot card readings

that he’ll come back in a few weeks,

to which he did,

but only now,

it’s the fortune of when you’ll kiss me

or how you kiss me,

or if I kiss you.

The same fortune telling

like months before,

I’ve read this book

I’ve re -read this book, but the

hopeless romantic in me

is brave enough to stay.

[ishxni]

That other cider - ishani

I think that I’ve lived my perfect moment,

or something close enough,

your bed

your house

your hand in mine

your other slowly drawing on my skin,

and I’m silently begging you to move your

hand elsewhere,

your bed

your house

your hand in mine

your other dragging over the material covering my hip,

and I’m silently begging you to kiss me tonight,

your bed

your house

your hand in mine

your head resting on mine,

and I’m silently begging you to ask me to stay,

just for the night

just tonight,

your bed

your house,

your hand in mine

and my phone points out it 4:02

I sat “I should go” and you offer

it walk me back home

but I wish you’d offer me just tonight,

so you say goodbye to me at the door,

your door,

your house,

and you’re arms around my body,

just one kiss goodbye,

but instead you leave me with a hug,

maybe next time

in your bed,

in your house,

with your hands in mine,

and your lips on mine?

[ishxni]

Slip away - ishani

The first time I met you

i didn’t want to wash away your touch,

I would’ve skipped an ocean worth of showers ,

just to have you lingering on my skin,

soft to the touch,

soft hands,

soft skin,

and hands on mine.

The last time I met you

I came home and scrubbed my skin

black and blue,

just so I can remove the traces of you;

the internal scars that you left me with

would wash away too,

but that wasn’t enough,

skin red raw,

but all I could feel was you,

and how you left me in the dust.

[ishxni]

one night, two nights, nothing more - ishani

I begin to wonder why

I feel this way.

It was just one night,

our hands intertwined,

my head on your shoulder,

a last embrace,

and now a night tonight,

dancing talks,

nothing more,

and now you’re stuck in my head

for no reason more,

I’ve lost myself completely,

and I don’t understand,

it was just one night,

two nights, nothing more.

[ishxni]

It’s a cliché - ishani

I think I like you more than you like me,

i think you liked me first,

but I liked you harder.

You fell first,

but I fell harder.

I never fell in love with you,

but i knew that if I let myself,

I would’ve really really fucking loved you,

but it seems as if I barely knew you.

I think you played me,

teased me,

talked me up,

for no reason whatsoever,

you didn’t gain anything,

but I lost everything,

because you gave me enough to leave me

feeling like I was outside of

my body,

fell right back to the beginning

where you looked at me with

your soft brown eyes which in the moment

were forever mine,

paid me enough attention that

i fell right back to the beginning in which

i died in your eyes thinking I was the

most beautiful thing you ever did see.

I think I like you more than you like me,

i hate to admit that it’s stuck

in my mind, even after weeks of you

leaving me and coming back to me,

and making me fall right back to where we began,

under that arch in the pouring rain,

right back to where we began,

your hands on me,

the five minutes I didn’t stay,

right back to where we began,

giving me hope,

giving me false hope,

giving me attention,

giving me all the right words,

for you to just have me,

have my soul,

have me whole,

just entirely yours,

by nothing but your words.

[ishxni]

ROSES - ishani

I feel lonely, like I’m lost in a desert, or stuck at sea,

or I’m a rose and anyone who comes gets struck by

my thrones and leave me;

to be looked at,

passed around,

to be picked and never put back.

I’m a scrunched up flower

and I can never go back to who I was a year

ago today.

I feel lonely and taken for granted,

feeling like a curse.

I’ve never had someone to live me back,

and I hope that one day

i can reach someone to love as true as I can,

you’ll reach your hand out to me,

and for the first time

you’ll love me more than I love you,

or anyone else for that matter.

These feeling come and go,

it’s permanently driven and seized in a moment,

where you’ll reach for the moon,

because I told you it was beautiful,

and you told me I deserve all things beautiful.

[ishxni]

“in a minute there is time for decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse” - ishani

I let my fantasies take me away from

my realities just for a moment of time

I am finished chasing a ghost,

I wonder if he’ll come crawling back,

and if so,

will I forgive him?

I think so,

I usually always do,

everytime,

but this time,

you were different.

But I am finished waiting for you,

so I wish you all the best in life,

Goodbye my (merely for a moment) French

Prince, I hope you meet

someone better than anything

I could offer.