gcldiloks:
she’s not trying that hard to stay awake. she wishes she were though. if that was said a few minutes ago, before she managed to shake him awake–or flutter her fingers close to his skin, enough to have him blink his eyes open. it would have been even more false. right now, the truth of it has slipped just a bit down the grey line. she might be nearing a lie if she tries to protest, she might be. so maybe–just maybe he’s hit the right nail and she’s trying to stay awake.
funny how her mind just makes this turn, round and round, from step zero all the way over to that same step where she thought she could get away from. funny how life has a way of making it obvious that the truth never lies really far. it’s when you start looking for it elsewhere that you start lying to yourself and start finding excuses.
so yes, the truth is s simple as yes. she’s trying to not fall asleep and it draws a smile on her face. but there are reasons for that action, reasons for that truth. number one and most important of all, “oppa, whenever else are we going to get a morning like this again?”
she still has that smile. it’s soft, she feels soft with it. not enough to give in and let her eyes close and let him have it the way she knows she also wants it. sleepy, lying down, enjoying having him here and that he’s enjoying having her there as well. but even with that smile, there’s still a bit of a solemn touch to her voice. it sounds serious, real, too close to the reality of things.
she should have laughed it off, should have played it amused. but she couldn’t. so hyuna’s let the truth slip through her voice, because the real state of mind she’s been in and she will have to stay in once he has to leave again. it’s real enough that she’s already dreading it. nobody goes to bed fearing dreams when they know that they will be dreaming of what they miss the most. not really. but everybody must be fearing the wake up when they know that it will be back to a world without the one thing they dream of.
there are all sort of dilemma in this world. hyuna knows how to handle most of them at least. she knows the best way to stop thinking about him and him not being there is simply to go on, work, do her ow things and she does them. when she has no other choice she does. she’s not dependent. but there’s nothing more–reassuring than knowing that the part in her life he’s suddenly taken can be filled at any given moments. it’s just that much of a contradiction in her life.
to not miss, but end up missing anyways. to not want to think, but to end up thinking about it all day.
point in case, he’s kissed her for a quick second and she’s already missing it even though it happened just seconds ago. not even a minute ago. she won’t even begin to think about his hands on her skin or in her hair. that’s put her to sleep numerous times before. instead of lingering on all of that, hyuna shakes her head with a sigh, goes on softly.
“if i sleep, i’ll be angry at you, because this is a missed opportunity to have you make me breakfast the way i–i missed having it.” her words stumble a bit, it should be, i’ll miss having it. but she’s told enough solemn truths for a start of a day.
one thing he’s learned, is not to anticipate, in the way that it breeds anxiety. not to try and think too much. because hyuna has a way of pulling things out of him that would’ve scared him but he didn’t think too much of. sometimes, soohyuk thinks he doesn’t look too much to the future anymore, because of how it used to cloud him rather than spur him on. more of a blemish on his present than a beacon in the future. he stopped looking towards it and started working on him, knowing he would end up somewhere.
he would leave and join the military, do his mandatory service at a time that wasn’t right or wrong, it was just a time. just like there’s a time and place for everything. to be somewhere and do it and sometimes that time and place is just in that moment. not planned or deliberated. it was an important decision, a big decision but further deliberation would bring anxiety and worries. anxiety and worries that used to force him into someone he wasn’t so long ago. things that would make him break who he was into someone he wasn’t too sure about it.
as days and months passed he was sure he wanted to be proud of who he was. things and titles like renowned actor, worldwide model, started dwindling into proud man. and proud man has new things, more important things like moral and values, companions and relationships. more important people like her, more important than most. everything was to be and to learn to be the kind of person he wanted. stunted where he was, he didn’t want to make the same mistakes, though he’d make new ones.
he’d wondered if this was one. leaving distance between them even more than usual, more than the occasional day or three without contact. more than a few empty nights because the other was overseas. he had wondered, continuously on what kind of strain this would put and if both hearts could handle what they would go through. this was deliberated, not too long but enough to where he had to make a move or risk the same stagnant mindspace.
he’d done it and it puts him here. with a heart that finally weightless with the weight of her body against his. and a mind that’s less jumbled and caught off-guard with the words that leave her lips. the slight hesitation but the finality in it. hyuna has never been someone to hold back, always drawing the anxieties out of him but surprisingly, at times when he thinks he’s ready. when he acknowledges them, has thought about them, can tackle them. she is, in words and in person, always and only what he needs.
“i will,” and there’s a kiss in between this because there can be and he needs it to be, “make you the biggest breakfast for as long as i’m here. so much that you’ll have to be in bed because you’ll be so full.” there’s a smile, because their faces are still so close that it moves against hers, nose and cheeks and all. “and I’ll make these mornings count for all the ones we missed.” and the ones they’ll soon miss again, and for these few ones to be the ones they hold onto to fill the space.
“then you can be angry at me afterwards. because when I do miss you, which I always do, I want to be able to think back to a smiling hyuna who’s got too much whipped cream on her nose.” the same nose that now gets a lighter kiss, followed by her forehead and the top of her head until he’s smiling and trying for a, “deal?”
