Zack and I went into work this morning about five thirty and finished up around eleven or so. I had a very, very productive day removing old worn parts in our hog, which is like a chipper, and installed all new parts. It was ninety four degrees out at ten o'clock and I was drenched by six thirty in the morning and stayed that way until I left and got into the comforts of my air conditioned Mazda.
So let me tell you just a little bit about my visit with the shrink. Him explaining medication to me....."OK. I am putting you on a medication called Adderall. It is a stimulant. It pharmaceutical name is dextroamphetamine. It is an amphetamine. Is it methamphetamine? No. Can you become addicted to Adderall? Not at medicinal doses. Does it have side effects? Yes. Are all of them bad? No, not unless weight loss is bad to you. Is it a miracle drug? Yes. What will you do? Focus! You will be able to do your tasks and remember the smallest details. You will be much less forgetful. You will remember your conversations. Side effects are increased heart rate, but I am starting you at a low dosage so as to limit those types of side effects. We will monitor you and talk about differences you have noticed. The dosage will probably increase a little bit later on."
So this morning I get up early and get to work early. This particular job/task that was priority on my agenda can be a bit challenging at times, just getting everything apart. Typically going back together is relatively smooth, but it is a tedious process where measurements are crucial and difficult to get precise. In the past, last year, I would show up, dreading the drive in, dreading getting the tools out, dreading the work, dreading absolutely everything and just wishing for the time to pass to be done to leave.
Today you may be wondering? Today my first day on Adderall you may be anxiously awaiting to hear how it went????? OMG! Mom, hold on to your seat and let me explain. So I took the medicine, a small round blue pill with a line running through the middle if you need to half the dosage, at 4:40. I believe it took about twenty minutes to get into my system because I remember feeling just a slight tingle in my left cheek, something I've not experienced before. So I assume it took twenty minutes. I had yet another thirty minutes or there about to conclude my commute and turn into the parking lot at the mill.
When I arrived at the mill I asked myself internally if I felt any different physically, walking around, moving, breathing air. Nothing. No difference whatsoever. I never felt negative about being at work, or the job which lay ahead. Zack followed me over the the hog and I looked at the surrounding area which was supposed to have been completely cleaned out, um especially the immediate area where I would be lying on my back for the next four hours, but it was not cleaned. OBSERVATION NUMERO UNO!! I was completely unphased. My mood was solid like granite. Unmoved like a mountain. Unwavering as a sheet of ice on a pond. What did I do you may ask? I got on my hands and knees and got after the cleaning at hand. In thirty minutes the area was cleaned and I was able to begin gathering the necessary tools the task would require. "Danny? I'm going to start the air compressor up. Go to the tool room. We will need to get".....and I rambled off everything I thought he could carry in one trip. "Ok Danny, good. Now lets get".....and again I rambled off everything else I knew we would need. "Paul, go over and clean that pathway up so nobody trips and gets hurt today." Zack, son? You are doing a good job their. Here, let me help you a minute and lets get this stuff pushed over there out the way.
I began, with Danny's help to disassemble the hog. It was already nearly 90 degrees at seven a.m. I had already been drenched in sweat from the clean up and on top of that I am laying on swept but very dirty concrete. But I did not in the slightest bit have any issue with it. My mind was FOCUSED as it has not been in years, and I truly and honestly mean years when I say it. I felt complete, not lacking. And whats more is I had no physical effect that was noticeable. Was my heart rate elevated? Absolutely. I don't dilly dally, I work. That clean up was arduous and very physical, steady work. Was I out of breath or at any point did I have difficulty breathing or carrying on a conversation? Not in the least bit. I had the benefit of being able to focus, my mood and attitude were refreshingly positive and up and yet there was no physical high!
I worked for five and one half hours, never letting up, going from one stage of the process to the next, not wandering off in my head, wondering where I put a tool or if I had forgotten to tighten this or that, as has been the NORM for years. No second guessing. When the job was nearing completion, the machine was shut and bolt locked, we gathered all the tools and checked the equipment to see if there were any stray tools laying around, none. I took the lock off the electrical disconnect and with much confidence walked to the starter and pushed the green button and hit the stop button after ten seconds. I then walked back out the the hog, leaned my ear in closely to hear if any noises were coming from within. The clearances between the parts had kept. I promptly turned, walked back to the starter pressing the green start button and this time I allowed the 250 horsepower motor to bring it to full speed, 1425 rpms. Once the starter was locked in we turned on the vibrating conveyor and watched ever so closely the beginning of a slab to get closer to the new cutting teeth and anvils where it would in glorious fashion meet its demise had I don't everything correctly. The wood met the teeth and the hog ate it with such ferocity that you could watch the wood blow apart. Mission accomplished.
We loaded all the tools into the tool room after pressing the stop button on the hog, locked up, turned out the lights and went home. Now at that point I had noticed the previous hour kind of feeling what has been my normal self in that my mind felt tired, not as alert. So my assumption is that the four hours the pill was supposed to work for had passed. But now here is the kicker. Even though it was no longer effective on my mind the way it had been prior/earlier, my mood was still very good. This is day one!!
I came home, took the second dose of my medication as the bottle directs, showered, went to HyVee and picked up my eye drip script, came home and talked with the kids and then wrote a very lengthy email to Roxanne about a number of things I had not been wanting to talk about, but said,"You know Will? This is four months now you've been avoiding this, now is the moment to end that. And I proceeded to write an email to her for an hour addressing the kids summer and the touchy subject of child support and considering an adjustment to the agreements. I wasn't very nervous nor am I now. I am at peace and I have been thinking a bit about music and playing music again.
To wrap up that aspect of this communique let me just say that I am relieved to know and personally experience what my "shrink", Jeff, referred to as "A Miracle Drug". Because mom I will be very straightforward and honest here, I thought there was no way in God's green earth that taking a pill, that is non addictive, has few side effects and was affordable was going to adjust my mind and mood in such a way as to have restored me, Will Henley, to....well, to some aspect of normalcy. I truly thought I was going to continue to lose my temper, my memory and just become more and more an ass and with equal measure distance myself from people and social situations that have caused me so much stress and ill will towards my fellow man. Wow! I have my brain back mom. I can do things again without hesitation. I can do a five hour job and at the end not question if it was done correctly.
Let me tell you about my conversations with people the last five years. Yes, I said five years. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been every conversation, but I would say better than fifty percent. I would be face to face, direct my ears toward their mouth so as to hear clearly. And they were talking in an audible tone and level, yet the information my brain was exhaustively and incorrectly processing made it sound like mumble. I just could not focus on key words that made understanding possible. My comprehension was nearly non existent at times to the point of just nodding and shaking my head, turning and walking away as though I had understood everything said and questioning myself,"What the hell did they just say? What the hell is wrong with me? Do I have early onset dementia or something? Seriously, it has been such a very long and difficult road I've traveled for so many years, and it took its toll on marriages, jobs and my sanity. And for the very, very first time I have real hope I can cling to. There is no light at the end of the tunnel for I have emerged from the long hibernation into the sunniest of days to see with mine own eyes the beauty of being 100 percent aware of my surroundings and myself. I am in shock and awe and today, as with every day I've lived on this terrestrial ball GOD IS GOOD!
I just can't begin to say enough about this. Oh, so after I wrote and sent the email, I sat down with the kids for a few, then called Jenn to come back to the room and I spoke with her about everything I just mentioned and explained to you, then we took Nicole's car to get the tires properly aired up, went to the grocery store, came home and I made homemade spaghetti with squash, onions, mushrooms, bell pepper, zucchini, vegan meatballs, garlic, basil and oregano with some very good quality balsamic vinegar along with a couple loaves of garlic bread. Normally when I get home I am inside, I do not ever go back out and do anything else. I have my life back and feel like a productive human being.
Well I am going to sign off now. I'm not sure how much I've written but feel I have caused you to spend an eternity reading. Much love to you and Ben and we will talk soon.
Love,Will
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