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@it-hurts-blog
It's August and for those who don't know that means my birthday. Birthdays bring food and CAKE. A cake that has sat; unopened, untouched, unlit. Every piece still intact.
I've already eaten more in the 24hrs of my birthday than I have the last two weeks.
How is this "celebrating" when I want to crawl under my bed and never come out. How do I eat this cake someone got me. How do I pretend that I'm not traumatized by the thought of eating it.
what the fawk 😐
"Look at her" she points at me
"Doesn't she look great?!"
"Yeah, how'd you do it?" They ask me
Yes. I lost weight and a lot but I do not see what you do. Yes my clothes fit me better and I'm cold all the time but please don't ask me. I'm not proud and I'm there again. Please don't draw attention to my body or I will start to hide like I did as a child.
Everything okay? The push notification asks.
No you road block. Nothing is okay on this detour to hell.
My heart is a mess, my chest quivers and my body shakes.
I haven't showered is days. I can't remember the last meal I ate or when I last combed my hair.
Don't ask me when I lasted brushed my teeth or washed my clothes.
I am far from okay but I lie and click that yes button only for you to ask me one more time before I dive in.
Dear me,
You're nothing .
i feel fucking broken...
Do you ever just want to sit on the floor of your shower and let the water run and wash you. Do you ever sit there and think? Think about everything and nothing all at the same time? Do you ever sit there, warm water running down your face and tears blending in at the music plays to drown out the sobbing?
Hit me baby, throw me against the wall. Wrap your hands around my throat again. Bruise me, cut me, break me. I want to feel the way I do inside my head on the outside. Show me pain is real, show me just how menacing it can be. Turn me black and purple with blood dripping from my skin. Show me your demons and I'll show you mine.
I'm scared for what is to come tomorrow, I'm scared to feel okay again. The doctor said take these and you'll be yourself again. What if I dont know who I was and I'm getting to know who I am now.
My heart is a bomb and he pulled the key and watched as the poor thing burst with his words spilt all over the disaster he made of me
I have never wanted to kill myself so much so often.
I'm not a danger to myself despite what has been said. I know I could never leave the ones I love, I could never hurt my daughter like that but the desire to end it all is there.
I fantasize about the gouges I could create to help me feel better but I can no longer hide them like i used to.
I am not okay but I can't tell the doctor that, they might send me away. I cant be apart from my daughter.
I look in the mirror and see this person staring back at me, she looks familiar like we met once before but in a different life. She has a familiar face but I no longer know their name. I feel so close to her as if we were the same person but we no longer share the same body. Who is the girl I see watching me in pictures and storefront windows? She was once me but I am no longer her, help.
You still spark something within me. Something that I thought was laid to rest the day you broke my heart.
T H I S
Am I okay?
Am I okay just because I don't have the marks to prove it?
Am I okay because you caught me on a day the sunshine awoke something in me that has been hidden for so long?
Am I okay because I'm scared to tell you that I'm suicidal so I said I'm fine even when I'm not?
Am I okay because I talk to you with a smile on my face and my own laugh track with every word leaving my mouth?
Am I okay just because you are not allowed to check my search history on my phone? If you knew what I looked at when I can't sleep at night, you too would think I'm a troubled cause.
I am not okay, but you don't see that because I'm scared to tell you things that are wrong and end up stored away in a room where they claim you better within a week.
Every time I log into Tumblr be like
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