Inebriated Demon

Im just slinging dumb thoughts and cursed ideas.

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My mom when I was a kid when she hears me inhale to say the most absurdly random comment about rocks to my elementary school admin.

I just wanted to show her my cool rocks

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Quick animal facts:

Aardvarks also dont know how their names are spelled either.

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Do texans give their kids rattle snake rattles instead of baby rattles?

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My wife asking me to “Pass the boof” was not on my list of things to hear at 7AM. I married the right person

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A fake ID is useless if you’re 3 Raccoons in a trench coat plotting to steal a quesadilla.

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“Hey, Quick you two do something funny.”

Is the exact line that led to a picture of me and my best friend’s husband kissing at my wedding.

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I hate eating gummy sharks. You eat like 2 and it looks like you’ve been making out with papa smurf.

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Clarified Butter is still Butter, even if it doesnt have the milk fats. Im talkin to you, you know who you are. Quit denying the truth about butter, you cannot deny butter.

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Nothing in the world will prepare you for the carnal and ancient panic that erupts when your dog starts making that vomiting noise. You dont question you fucken BOOK IT

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Half of my vocabulary with my friends is slang or words that were at one point normal but were canonically changed after a friend fucked it up in a sentence.

We no longer play monster hunters

We play “Munter Hunderrs”

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I said I had a pink monster to my co worker, the look I got went from fear to intrigued. Then to disappointment because I showed them the drink.

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Does an uncrustable have a pseudo crust because you had to press the bread down? Like I understand that you have removed the crust, but you made a second one. You know what I mean?

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Fun fact, most crustaceans cannot comprehend astrophysics. Good thing though, what would they need it for?

Space Crabs? Hell yeah

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You think the hat man is hiring? Ive got a box of benadryl and a resume.

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Wish I could drop an elbow on a dude like your lab partner drops the ball on a project.

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You think amputees can take off their prosthetic limbs instead of clothes in strip poker?