Sew Your Heart To My Sleeve - Chapter 13
A/N: Alrighty this is pretty much it folks! I really hope you like it, go easy please haha. Lots of love from me to you, thanks for being amazing as always <3
Harry was fucking buzzing.
He couldn’t relax, maybe probably hadn’t been able to relax since yesterday when he’d woken up in Louis’ arms like it was a normal occurrence, like it happened all the time. Louis Tomlinson. God even just the thought of his name sent Harry into a frenzy, like his skin was stretched too thin, heart expanding in size.
Harry had been nervous about the gala. He’d had people view his work before, but not these kinds of people, his lecturers and tutors and people from other universities who actually had influence and whose opinions could pretty well decide Harry’s future as an artist.
So what if he used his nerves about the gala as an excuse to complete ignore what he was going to do about Louis? He had thrown himself into preparations for it instead of talking to Louis like he really should have done the moment the whole thing happened.
Louis had kissed him. Twice now. Really, really kissed him, like he meant it, like he would die without it. Harry kept opening up his text messages just to read over the last one Louis had sent, just to reassure himself that he wasn’t hallucinating.
Hurry up please, I want to kiss you again as soon as possible
The knowledge that Louis wanted him back made Harry feel jumpy and anxious and excited and out of his mind but most of all, it frightened him.
Because no amount of kissing could force from Harry’s mind the fact that he desperately needed to tell Louis that he was the one who had been writing into the newsletter about him.
His conversation with Liam yesterday had only more firmly solidified in his mind what he had to do. Liam had confronted him with all of the anger of a new-born kitten, and had deflated once Harry told him he was already planning on telling Louis himself. He’d barely had to ask for Liam to keep it a secret before the other boy was swearing him an oath, so he wasn’t concerned about that.
No, his concerns lied mainly with the fact that he was handing Louis Tomlinson the power to break his heart, and there was nothing he could do about it. It was inevitable from the first moment he’d laid eyes on him.
He knew that Louis liked him. If the first kiss hadn’t confirmed that, the second one most definitely had, and the way Louis had gazed at him with soft blue eyes, how gently he’d touched him. But Harry knew that it was a lot to handle. It sounded crazy every time he even slightly broached the subject in his own head, so he had no idea how he was supposed to look at Louis Tomlinson and tell him that he’d stalked him for weeks, months, even.
‘Hey mate!’ Harry’s thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of Liam and Niall at his side, drinks in hand.
Liam clapped him on the shoulder, eyes shining. ‘Sick job here mate, you’re smashing it.’
Harry felt himself flush. ‘Thanks,’ he said, trying to shake off his thoughts and focus on the present. ‘Have you seen Zayn around at all? I know he was looking for you.’
‘Yeah, I saw him talking to Tommo not too long ago,’ Niall said, sipping his wine daintily.
Harry suppressed a fission of nerves at even just the mention of Louis, Christ, and forced a smile. ‘I saw him for a second earlier. I think he was trying to chat up one of my lecturers.’
‘Good man,’ Niall said seriously.
That really did make him laugh and he relaxed, the muscles in his neck and back loosening. ‘Thanks for coming, it really means a lot.’
‘No worries, we wouldn’t have missed it. Have you seen Lou around at all, though? I haven’t seen him for ages,’ Liam said.
Harry froze. ‘Uh – yeah. I spoke to him. He’s, um, just ducked out for a bit.’
Something wicked framed the edges of Niall’s grin. ‘Just ducked out, aye?’
‘Well I mean, he’s sort of. At mine? I’m going to meet up with him later?’ Harry knew he was blushing.
Niall cackled at that. ‘Meet up, aye?’
‘Niall, leave him alone,’ Liam admonished. He smiled at Harry, though it was a little tense. ‘So you two are going to talk about things, huh?’
Harry returned his gaze just as sombrely, trying to tell Liam through telepathy that he knew what he was doing. He wasn’t going to fuck it up. ‘Yeah.’
‘That’s good.’ They held each other’s gaze for a brief, tense moment, before Liam nodded a little. It felt ridiculous.
Niall either didn’t know what they were talking about or didn’t care, necking the rest of his wine with his gaze somewhere over Harry’s shoulder. ‘Oi oi, there he is!’
Harry felt panic pass over him before Zayn’s hand settled on his shoulder and his friend grinned at him, quiff wilting but still somehow managing to fall elegantly into his eyes. ‘Boys,’ he said.
‘Where did you get off to, then?’ Harry said, relaxing into the touch.
‘Open bar,’ Zayn said as a way of explanation.
Harry shook his head and laughed. He checked his watch, not for the first time that evening. It was nearing nine o’clock and he knew that all of the important people he’d met were already tipsy and weren’t going to be looking for him anymore to tell him ‘what a fine young talent’ he was. The gala portion of the evening had gone smoothly but he was more than ready to move on to the Louis portion.
‘Alright lads, I’m going to take off,’ Harry said.
‘What?’ Niall laughed. ‘It’s your bloody show, mate!’
‘I know but I’ve got… things to do.’
Liam snorted at the same time that Zayn ducked his head to hide a laugh.
‘Yeah, alright then. Tell Tommo we say hi and that we’re never going to come anywhere with him ever again if he’s just going to ditch us fifteen minutes in.’
‘Will do,’ Harry said. ‘Thanks so much for coming again, I really do appreciate it-’
‘Christ Harry would you piss off already? Go get your man,’ Zayn said.
Harry flushed red to the tips of his ears but grinned. ‘Will do,’ he said again, before turning heel and making for the exit.
***
Louis wasn’t there when he got home.
Harry ducked his head into each and every room just to make sure, though he highly doubted Louis would be hiding out in Matt or Aiden’s bedrooms. He checked his phone twice to see if there were any messages from Louis, but nothing. There were no signs that Louis had been there at all, except for the fact that the door had been left unlocked when Harry knew for sure he had locked it before the Gala.
Harry sat on the edge of his bed while he rang Louis, something like trepidation sitting low in his stomach. Something wasn’t right.
The phone rang and rang and rang with no answer. Louis always answered his phone; if it wasn’t in his hand it was sitting next to him. The only time he didn’t pick up his phone was if he was sleeping.
Or if he didn’t want to talk to someone.
Harry chewed on his lip anxiously as he finally lost patience and hung up. It wasn’t like Louis to just leave with no explanation. What if something had happened to him?
At this thought Harry shot off a quick text, anxiety creeping over him the longer he sat there. Jittery tension had him stand up and begin pacing the room as he waited for a reply to his simple where are you are you alright? .xx
It was only when he began to lose hope that his phone buzzed in his hand. Harry almost dropped it in surprise, opening the message with shaking fingers.
fine, don’t want to talk at the moment
What the hell was that supposed to mean? Harry’s mind churned over the evening with rapid-fire speed, trying to retrace his memory to see if there was something he had said or done.
He let out a long exhale as he read over the message again. Obviously something had happened, Louis could be impulsive and irrational but there was always a reason that he felt a certain way. And he’d never deliberately avoided Harry, not once in the space of their friendship.
Harry cast his gaze about the room, his excitement from earlier in the evening overcome by something heavy and confused. Then he saw it: His old notebook sitting on the bed, the pages splayed out awkwardly like it had been thrown there.
Harry froze as he stared at the little leather-bound book, his heart picking up speed and thumping against his ribcage.
He didn’t need to pick it up to know exactly what was written in there, the multitude of mindless scribbling he had done about Louis. All of the things he thought about but didn’t think he would ever get the chance to say out loud. Some of them he was content to simply to write down on paper. It felt like throwing them out into world in some small way. Others he had thought about for days, with his only catharsis submitting them to the newsletter.
The newsletter that he knew Louis read. And Louis wasn’t an idiot, of course he would connect the dots eventually.
Panic rose up in Harry’s chest, his gaze still locked on the seemingly innocently little notebook. He’d always intended to tell him, but the reality of Louis knowing everything pulled Harry under, wave upon wave of insecurity and anxiety. Louis knew. He knew and he had left.
Harry’s panic growing the longer he stood there, he opened up his messages and sent one to Zayn, asking him to come over straight away. Perspective, he needed perspective. Zayn would tell him what to do. He could tell him how to fix this. He needed to fix this.
Harry sat down on his bed, buried his head in his arms and waited for Zayn with his pulse thundering in his ears and his hands shaking.
***
So maybe Louis was a little angry. Or hurt. Or betrayed. Or something.
He couldn’t stop moving around the dorm, unable to sit down for any period of time without feeling like he should be somewhere else. He moved from his bedroom, to the kitchen, to the bathroom floor, and then back to his bedroom. His thoughts tumbled and spun and overtook one another, and Louis couldn’t keep up.
He had finally settled on the floor of the lounge room, his back propped up against the couch and legs tucked into his chest. The TV was on mute but he only put it on so that it would be less weird for him be sitting on the floor for no apparent reason at nearly midnight on a Tuesday.
His phone sat on the coffee table to his right and Louis couldn’t help but throw glances at it from time to time, terrified that Harry was going to message back, or worse, that he would try to call again. Louis didn’t think he was strong enough to ignore him a second time, the lure of hearing Harry’s low gravelly voice on the other end of the line too strong.
How was it possible that twenty four hours ago Louis was having an epiphany about his bloody feelings or whatever and now he was alone and miserable? Life wasn’t fair.
There was a voice in Louis’ ear that sounded a little like his mum but also a lot like Liam that was telling him just to call Harry and talk about it. Louis knew himself, and knew that he couldn’t stay angry for very long, especially not at Harry. But he wasn’t sure how to talk about this. It was easy to lay it all on the line and tell Harry how he felt when he thought he knew all the facts, when he had all the information. But now it seemed like there was a whole other side to the story that he had no idea about. Did everyone know? Louis felt rather like he was on the outside of an inside joke, and he didn’t like it.
More than anything else though, Louis was hurt that Harry, his favourite person, hadn’t told him. It didn’t matter that the others knew as much as it did that his boy didn’t trust him enough to tell him something so fundamental to their friendship. He had thought that Harry liked him, trusted him. The younger boy always wanted to tell him about his day, his classes and his life. But not this. He had never once hinted about anything like this.
Louis fell asleep with the lights and TV still on, and a frown sitting on his face.
***
Louis woke up the next morning still seated on the lounge room floor, his neck and back aching. He opened his bleary eyes to find that someone had covered him in the threadbare blanket they usually kept hanging over the side of the couch.
‘Morning, mate,’ a chipper voice sounded to his left.
Louis turned his head slowly, wincing at the stiffness in his neck. Niall sat cross-legged on the couch, still wearing his pyjama pants and cradling a bowl of cereal in both hands.
Louis grunted unhappily, blinking the grogginess of sleep out of his eyes. ‘Could have woken me up last night, you tosser.’
The blonde boy only laughed. ‘You’re cheery this morning.’
‘Maybe because I spent the night on the fucking floor,’ Louis said, struggling to stand up and stretching out his muscles.
‘Whose fault is that?’ He had Louis there.
Louis was about to reply but Liam walked in the room balancing two plates in his hand. He looked surprised to see Louis up.
‘Louis!’ he said. ‘I made you breakfast.’
Something warm and fond threatened to creep up on Louis but he shook it off, intent on clinging to his bad mood. The events of the night before were starting to rear their ugly head.
‘No way Payno, breakfast isn’t going to get you out of this one.’
Liam’s eyes turned into liquid worry as he deposited two steaming plates of bacon and eggs onto the coffee table. ‘What’s wrong?’
It was almost convincing.
‘Don’t even fucking try. You either, Nialler. When have you ever cooked me breakfast for no good reason?’
‘I just thought that you were looking a little skinny lately-’
‘Save it,’ Louis snapped. He ran both of his hands through his hair. ‘Just – sit, please. I need to think.’
Liam took a seat on the couch next to Niall as Louis paced back and forth a couple of times, rolling his shoulders to get rid of the stiffness.
‘Are you going to tell us what happened last night then?’ Niall asked, looking far more interested in his cereal than in whatever Louis had to say.
‘What happened last night,’ Louis chuckled to himself a little. ‘What did happen last night? There I was thinking everything was finally going to work itself out only to get blindsided at the last minute.’
‘Louis-’ Liam began.
‘You know, it’s not a nice feeling to discover that everyone’s just been lying to you for weeks. I feel like such an idiot at the moment. I bet you were all having a right laugh-’
‘Stop being so sensitive, Lou,’ Niall cut across him. Louis paused for a moment – Niall almost never interrupted anyone.
‘Did you know?’ Louis asked, his voice suddenly a lot quieter than it had been. He hadn’t even realised how close he was to yelling.
Liam hesitated, looking shifty and tugging at his clothing. ‘We didn’t know, know.’
‘I knew,’ Niall said.
Liam gave him A Look.
‘What?’ he shrugged and spooned some more cereal into his mouth. ‘The other night when we hung out with Harry’s mate, he told me.’
‘Oh great, so Zayn knew too,’ Louis said.
‘Of course he knew. Look, Lou, I get that you’re upset-’
‘I’m not upset,’ Louis said automatically, ignoring how tightly his fists were clenched. ‘I’m just - why didn’t you tell me? You’re my friends, for God’s sake!’
‘I only knew for sure for a couple of days, mate. And Liam had a word with Harry that he should be the one to tell you-’
‘He what?’ Louis all but shrieked, turning his betrayed gaze on Liam who strongly resembled a kicked puppy, albeit one that was shooting daggers in Niall’s direction.
‘I only said-’
‘You shouldn’t have said anything.’
‘Louis, please just listen. I didn’t want to tell you because I only suspected, I didn’t know for sure. And you know that Harry had to be the one to tell you, right? It had to be him.’
Louis deflated a little at the pleading in Liam’s voice, sinking down on the armchair and resting his elbows on his knees. ‘This is all a little much for me.’
‘Louis,’ Liam began, sounding unsure. ‘You know that we just want you to be happy.’
Louis snorted. ‘Yeah.’
‘And I’m sorry that we didn’t tell you. But at least you know now, yeah? What did Harry say when he told you?’
Something hot and a little like shame crept over the back of Louis’ neck. ‘He, uh. Didn’t. Tell me, that is.’
His flatmates both stared at him blankly for a moment, even Niall’s cereal forgotten.
‘Forgive me for asking the obvious mate, but how do you know then?’ Niall asked.
‘Well, uh, I might have done a bit of. Um. Snooping.’
‘Oh, Louis,’ Liam sighed, long-suffering as always. ‘How many times do I have to tell you to respect other people’s-’
‘Privacy, yes, I know, I know,’ Louis said. ‘But it was just sitting there out in the open, honestly, I’d have to be crazy not to have a read. I mean, I’m only human really.’
Niall snorted. ‘‘Only human’, honestly, Lou. Only you, more like.’
‘Rude,’ Louis said. But there was something guilty sitting in the pit of his stomach, something that questioned how he could be angry at Harry for lying when Louis himself had been rummaging through his things.
As though reading his thoughts, Liam reached over and socked him on the shoulder.
‘Ow!’ Louis yelped. ‘What was that for?’
‘For being such a twat! I mean, yeah, you have a right to be angry. But not to this extent. I bet you haven’t even spoken to Harry about it yet, have you?’
Louis avoided Liam’s gaze, cursing himself for being so predictable. ‘I need some time,’ he said through gritted teeth.
‘To do what? Sit around and stress yourself out over it? Harry doesn’t deserve you ignoring him,’ Niall said.
‘He lied to me!’
‘And I’m sure he feels very badly about that! You probably would have sorted it out by now if you weren’t such a stubborn bastard.’
Louis glared mutinously at Niall, fighting the knowledge that what they were saying made a lot of sense.
‘I don’t like being lied to,’ he said finally, but the fight had gone out of his voice. ‘But I guess I should probably talk to Harry.’
Both of the boys sitting on the couch looked triumphant, Liam seemingly feeling confident enough to reach for his breakfast and begin eating. Louis wavered for a moment before doing the same.
‘I’m still going to be angry about this for at least the next twenty-four hours,’ Louis said.
Niall shrugged and raised his spoon in a salute. ‘Wouldn’t be you if you didn’t.’
***
It was easier said than done.
Harry hadn’t replied to his message from the night before, seemingly respecting his wish for space. It sent something sharp and painful through Louis’ chest, thinking about Harry coming home from the gala all flushed and pretty to an empty house. It made him feel like a genuine arsehole, actually.
Louis wasn’t sure how to even broach the subject. He was still angry. He didn’t think that would go away unless he was actually faced with Harry himself. But he didn’t have the energy to really keep the anger burning, too tired and stupidly fragile to keep up the act.
Louis sat in his bedroom with the curtains drawn, hair still damp from a shower, staring at Harry’s name on his contacts like the soppiest bastard who ever lived. What was he supposed to say to him? ‘Sorry for being a twat, I’ve changed my mind and now everything’s all good? I’m fine with you writing about me anonymously in a very public newsletter and then lying about it’?
‘Come on, Tommo,’ Louis muttered under his breath, pressing the call button without any further thought.
It had barely rung once before Harry’s voice came down the line, sending chills over Louis’ skin.
‘Louis?’
‘Harry, hi,’ Louis said, jumping off his bed, butterflies bursting to life in his stomach. ‘Have you got a second to talk?’
‘Uh.’
Oh fuck. Louis had fucked it all up and Harry hated him now.
‘I’m actually – I’m outside your dorm.’
Wait, what?
‘Wait, what?’ Louis said, opening his bedroom door and hurrying down the hall, phone still pressed to his ear.
‘Yeah,’ Harry huffed out a laugh, static-y, but then Louis was opening the front door and-
‘Hi,’ Louis said, a little breathless.
‘Hi,’ Harry said, looking down at his shoes. He looked tired, his hair messy and sticking up in odd places like he’d been running his fingers through it, circles under his eyes.
There was a long pause where neither of them spoke.
Louis noticed Zayn standing slightly behind Harry in his peripheral vision but in all honesty, Louis couldn’t drag his eyes away from Harry’s pale face, the turned-down corners of his mouth, or the splay of his long dark lashes on his cheek as he avoided Louis’ gaze.
‘Hi Louis, Harry has something he would like to say to you,’ Zayn said loudly, giving Harry a little nudge that had him teetering forward.
‘Uh, hi,’ Harry said again, clearing his throat, darting a nervous glance to Louis and then away again. Louis noticed that he was just staring at Harry and internally fretting over his sleepless countenance like a love-struck idiot. He widened his stance a little and crossed his arms, trying to appear a little more stoic. For God’s sake, he was supposed to be the wronged man in this situation.
Harry was busy looking like he was desperately wishing he could be anywhere else in the world. Eventually, however, something firm crept into his expression and he looked up, finally meeting Louis’ eyes with a steely gaze. Louis squashed the tiny part of his brain that was a little proud.
‘Louis,’ Harry said.
‘Harry,’ Louis said after a moment.
‘I don’t really know how to say this properly. You’re better with words than I am, you always know what to say.’
This admission had Louis shifting uncomfortably. ‘Not always,’ he argued.
‘But you do. You’re pretty much everything I’m not, to be honest. And I’ve liked you for a long time.’ Harry’s cheeks flushed pink as he spoke, his posture tense and nervous but still determined.
‘Harry, you don’t have to-’
‘I do. I have to say it because I’ve been wanting to be honest for so long and I’ve just been so afraid of your reaction, so. Whatever happens, I need to say it.’
Out of the corner of his eye Louis saw Zayn awkwardly pull out his phone in attempt at giving them some privacy.
‘I know that you know that I’ve kind of been. Writing in to the uni newsletter about you? And I know that it’s super creepy, I knew it was kind of weird in the beginning but I just figured you’d never see it and even if you did you wouldn’t know it was me so it didn’t matter. And it was nice, getting to put my feelings out there in a way that didn’t really hurt me. It didn’t make me vulnerable at all. Nothing was ever at stake. But then. I met you.’
Louis tracked the rise and fall of Harry’s chest as he took a deep breath, Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed. It was Louis now who was having trouble meeting Harry’s eyes.
‘I started to really like you. I mean, I liked you before we met but I guess I didn’t really realise how much until I was hanging out with you all the time. You’re my best friend.’
Zayn coughed loudly.
‘One of my best friends,’ Harry said, his eyes earnest and repentant.
Louis huffed out a laugh. He could feel his cheeks and ears burning, heart thumping loudly against his chest. He just wanted Harry to keep speaking, keep saying such lovely, lovely things.
‘And I know it was wrong to lie to you for so long. I wanted to tell you. I was actually gearing up to tell you last night, but. Well.’
‘Well,’ Louis agreed.
There were several moments of silence where neither of them seemed to know what to say. Louis chanced another glance at Harry’s face and he froze. Harry looked so utterly miserable that Louis couldn’t bring himself to be as merciless as he was planning on being. All of his anger and frustration was seeping away like it had never been there in the first place.
‘God, Harry, come on. Don’t look like that, I’m not about to banish you and never speak to you again,’ he said, rolling his eyes a little and trying to lighten the mood. He desperately wanted to wipe away the unhappy expression from Harry’s face.
‘You’d be right to, though. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t want to speak to me again.’ Harry sound so small, like he’d used up all his courage.
‘Harry, look, we’re mates, right? That’s not going to change.’
‘It’s not?’ Harry said, tucking his chin into his chest. ‘Oh. Okay.’
Louis hated that he found it endearing. What had he become?
‘Bloody hell,’ Louis said. He forced Harry’s chin up so that he could see his eyes and make himself clear. ‘I mean that you’re one of my best friends too, okay? And that’s not going to change, regardless of… whatever else.’
Harry must have seen something in Louis’ eyes because he nodded a little, seeming more settled than he’d been since Louis had opened the door.
‘But Harry,’ Louis leaned back a little. ‘We can’t just – I mean, I need you to. Why didn’t you tell me?’
Harry laughed a little, but there was no mirth there. ‘I was just. Scared, I guess. Of how you were going to react. I really value you as a person, I care a lot about your opinion and your thoughts and ideas. I hated the thought of you never wanting to speak to me again. I didn’t know how to say it. How was I supposed to tell you that I’d basically stalked you for weeks on end when I was so bloody in love with you I couldn’t see straight? I was just grateful to even get to be around you on a regular basis. I didn’t want to ruin it.’
‘Harry,’ Louis said quietly, his voice a little hoarse. ‘I wouldn’t have cared. Like, yeah it maybe would have weirded me out a little, but. I know you. I know you,’ he repeated. His stomach was tangled up in knots, pulse racing. ‘To be honest at the stage I’m at with you I totally get why you did it. I want to write stupid sappy things about you to everyone I know, too.’
Harry groaned and buried his face in his hands, but Louis could see his dimple and the curve of a smile.
‘It’s okay,’ Louis all but whispered, nudging at Harry’s shoulder.
Harry looked up at that. ‘I was going to tell you, you know. I’m not just saying that. That’s why I kept putting this off because I was terrified of what you were going to say.’
‘I know.’
‘I hated lying to you and I didn’t want you to think that I’d tricked you into getting into something with me when you didn’t know the full story. I hate the thought of you having any doubts about this.’
‘I know, Harry,’ Louis said again.
Harry looked relieved to see that he was smiling, the little crease between his eyebrows smoothing out somewhat.
‘Harry,’ Louis said then, smile disappearing completely. ‘You need to know I don’t have any doubts about this.’
The air between them changed a little, a charge seeping into it that hadn’t been there while Harry was apologising.
Harry tucked his bottom lip between his teeth for a moment, anxious. ‘Are you sure?’ he said in a rush. ‘You’re really sure? Because I am really sorry and I don’t want-’
‘Harry,’ Louis laughed. ‘For God’s sake, stop apologising!’
And then he leaned forward, hauling Harry into a kiss by the nape of his neck. It was short and sweet and probably said a lot more than Louis was willing to let on just yet. But Harry smiled into it and everything felt right, somehow. Natural.
‘For someone who claims to have been pining after me for months you certainly do a lot of talking,’ Louis muttered against Harry’s lips once he’d pulled away.
Harry was flushed, happy and pretty with his eyes shining.
‘Hey Lou?’
‘Yeah?’ Louis said, not bothering to force down the strength of his smile.
‘Do you want to go out with me?’
He pretended to think it over for a moment. ‘Sorry, I actually only accept formal proposals in writing. I hear the newsletter has openings if you’re thinking about-’
He broke off into a laugh as Harry pulled him in again, smiles pressed right up against each other. Louis’ heart felt too big for his body to contain.
‘Uh, guys?’ Zayn sounded more than a little awkward. ‘Do you want me to, like, go?’
Harry pulled away from Louis for a moment. He smiled down at him, eyes roaming over his face like he was memorising it. ‘I think I’ve got it from here actually, mate.’
Louis muffled his laughter in Harry’s neck as everything finally settled into place.