I write stuff

i just wanna share the shit that i write. hi

[ithinkitwasrukia]

IT'S OKAY

As if that word could calm everything, you tell yourself "it's okay" when you feel a flood of tears forming under your eyes.

It's okay when you scratch your skin, hoping that this will stop the agitation, the noise in your head, the fear.

It's okay, it's the last glass, the last bottle, the last smoke, the last night like this.

Starting tomorrow, I'm clean, you try to convince yourself because there's no one else to convince, no one will believe it's the last time you go out with the bottle of vodka, or that it's the last pack of cigarettes you'll smoke in one night, no one believes you and it's OKAY.

After all, why would they? You've reached an addiction and people have gotten used to the fact that you're dependent, so it's okay,

you can do whatever you want.

[ithinkitwasrukia]

Geo, te-am iubit rapid si am terminat la fel de rapid. Dar vreau sa stii ca tot as da orice am pentru tine. Te iubesc mă. Asta e, atata pot.

Nu vreau sa iti fac rau si sa te trag spre mine daca nu poti. Radacinile vor fi mereu mai puternice decat vantul.

Că n ai fost din prima-mea, ăsta nu e un secret,

Nu e vorba că alții te-au avut în pat, ci că te-au avut la piept

Și mă doare mai puțin dacă nu pun întrebari

Tu cautai iubirea în masini și prin parcări

Mi-ai zis că nu sunt cine spun și alte vorbe grele,

Probabil spuse doar din durere,

O să tac și o să-nghit,

O să las să se vadă nimic,

Mintea mea te caută în amintiri,

“De ce dracu nu ți-am adus un buchet de trandafiri ?!”

Atunci când era timp și te aveam aproape

Atunci când dormeam amândoi și te îmbrățișam pe la spate,

As fi vrut să te vadă marea, să i te prezint

Iar data viitoare când sunt singur cu ea să nu o mint,

“Sunt fericit…”

Atât voiam să-i spun….

Că sunt fericit…cu tine…

[ithinkitwasrukia]

In case i have the courage to do it tonight, i want to post the message i wrote to a great boy tonight, as a last artistic act.

And if you are somehow reading this and you met me or we were friends, i want to ask you a question.

Was i that bad as i consider myself?

If you are Miha or Vane or my sister… please tell me, was i that bad ?

If i can manage to kill myself tonight, consider that i did whats best for me.

“I was scared of you, scared of commitment, i was scared that if i let myself be with you i will not rise up to your expectations. I was scared about what others will say, but i look around and there are no others , its just me and my bathroom walls. I dont know why im like this, i dont even know how to name it. Im unfixable, and i dont care what you say, every person that i loved ended up hurt. I cant have a relationship , i cant keep up with school, i cant have anyone by my side, i dont know any skill and i dont have any talent. I wanted to kms so many times thinking i could blame it on my screlosis but they will figure out, they will know i did it with my own hand.

Im sorry we didn’t have a goodbye and i couldn’t hug you man… you were the best man i ever met and i hate you.

I hate that you put your mind with such a filthy person, you’re a greyhound… im just a stray, we should not intersect.”

[ithinkitwasrukia]

Dogs

Im a bad dog, always dirty and loud.

I was always jealous and i couldn’t help it, HOW CAN I NOT BE?

Have you seen the others?

Baby faces, smooth lips, clear skin, long hair, bodies with NO hair.

Exact proportions… like they were industrial manufactured …

Also we have the older ones, thick jaws, big hands, wide back and thick arms. Could crush and carry anything.

I feel like i fell in between. Not too big not too small.

Like i was supposed to be some sort of prototype but someone decided to turn around half way.

I tried to change myself, i tried to go one direction then the other like a lunatic.

[crimsolyn]

I think the purest form of love is just wanting someone to notice life with you. "taste this. look at that. hear this song." again and again. until you can't imagine noticing life without them.

[patronsaintofmistakenidentity]

"cigarette" implies the existence of a much larger "cigar"

[ithinkitwasrukia]

Priveliştea copia timidă chipul tău,neputând să-ți recreeze frumusețea.

[ithinkitwasrukia]

Degeaba mănânci în fiecare zi în oraș.

Degeaba mănânci în fiecare zi în oraș dacă seara ai frigiderul gol.

Nu e vorba de mâncare aici, dar am găsit această comparație prea exactă.

Mănânci în afara locuinței, fast-food, restaurante, terase, dar seara o să te întrebi: eu ce am de mâncare?

Absolut nimic.

Așa văd și dragostea: poți să ai 7 femei, una pentru fiecare zi a săptămânii; la un moment dat se va lăsa seara și vei fi înfometat.

Nu te bunătăți, restaurantele îți pot oferi asta, dar acel „poftă bună” pe care ți-l spune nu va fi niciodată din suflet.

Niciun „te iubesc” nu se va simți ca cel de acasă, indiferent de unde îl auzi.

Am stomacul plin de mâncare grețoasă, îmi este rău, mi s-a luat și simt cum mă îmbolnăvesc.

Oricât de tare m-aș șterge și spăla, mereu o să am cămășile pătate, iar lumea va ști de ce.

[ithinkitwasrukia]

Well… it’s Christmas again!

Here we are again, with all the decorations and lights, the trees and songs.

I am just sitting in my corner drinking my wine and waiting for everything to end, cause it’s not Christmas anymore without you Alina…

I remember two years ago how happy we were, how we decorated your house and how we gave each other presents… it was lovely.

Now i am all alone, because i chose that, because i can never feel what i felt before.

You took all the magic with you and i dont think i can ever feel it again.

With that said , i wish you a Happy Christmas, that’s all i can say.

[ithinkitwasrukia]

Autumn finally came, and it’s not about pumpkins—well, not in the way you think.

For me, autumn is a time of grieving, of settling down. After all the adventures we had this summer, after all the broken hearts and all the laughs we shared, it’s time to let go.

I don’t want to hear about “pumpkin lattes” or “colored leaves.” Nature has to rest, and through that, it embraces death itself.

The smell of rotting wood and leaves, the smoke from chimneys, the cold slowly creeping in with each passing day, with each sunrise that grows a little dimmer.

I love how everything goes quiet. We should do that too, as individuals. We should let go of arrogance and accept the fact that everyone is going through the same thing right now: change.

We are a part of nature, and our biological clock knows our needs. It knows what is about to come.

This autumn i want to shed my former coat of lies and embrace everything that will come my way.

I’m ready to fall.

[ithinkitwasrukia]

NIGHTMARES

It’s everywhere. I can feel her laughing behind my back at every mistake I make. I know she’s just waiting for me to fall again, hoping I’ll mess up.

She’s always in my head, I hear her comments with everything I say.

I can’t stand her, I let her stay there, I kept a piece of her.

Because of that, all that’s left are nightmares, because it was too hard to let her go, and now I’ll always have to remember why I should’ve done it.

How is it, my love, that all I can remember now are your words full of hate?

[ithinkitwasrukia]

CAN YOU ?

Drunk swiping on a dating app . On a Tuesday night after a few glasses of wine , looking for someone.

I'm looking for you, my love. I don't know if i will find you here , or in a messy coffee shop, or bump into you on the street like in those movies. All i know is that i will find you someday.

But I'm warning you , I'm just a mask , a hollow husk . At some point , bellow the beard , the buzzcut, and the bruised knuckles, lives a boy.

A fucked up and scared little boy, who tries to be "cool" like the kids he has seen in TV shows. He doesn't know where he is , or why his daddy took all his toys away. All he knows is that he has to play by the rules now and be a grown man , and that scares him. It scares him so much that he hides inside me , only a glimpse of him showing when he sees something beautiful, like when a bee flies by and lands on him, or the sun is shining in his face . Otherwise he is scared as fuck of people and pleads me to look scary so he wouldn't get hurt.

I hope , my love , that you can accept him , like you accept me . I will love you , only if you can love him.

[ithinkitwasrukia]

WHAT IS IT?

The need to let everything out , to let the pressure escape one way or another, this is what i always wanted to do trough this.

I was always scared that people will judge me, so i never did it as often as i wanted to. It was an intimate thing , and i always kepy it low-key.

I was never brave enough to admit it , " Yes , i did this myself, and i am not afraid that people will see it."

I saw it on other people since i was young. I found it an art. How could something so painful be so beautiful?

I need to do it right, i was never satisfied with what i've done . I need more . Often . Deeper.

And this time, i will do it right. As much as i want , everywhere i want and i won't give a shit if someone sees it. It's my art.

Now... i dont know if I'm talking about poetry or cutting myself.

[ithinkitwasrukia]

Stray

I often associate myself with a stray cat.

A stray who is on their 9th life and refuses to domesticate , I'd rather chose death. Why settle down? Why finding someone to grow old with? I'd rather die in a ditch with a smile , if i can still do any mimic. I won't stop, if my disease catches up with me i won't be sad. I chose this.

I won't stop living because my aunt decided to pass this down to me, fuck screlosys and every doctor that tells me to stay safe.

My name is Rukia and i will never stop being this.

[ithinkitwasrukia]

April

It never felt so lonely. Back then i used to call it seasonal depression, now i think it's something more deep. It seems like the cold makes us colder too.

Some of us get togheter, little happy couples that enjoy the holidays togheter and peel tangerines for one another. Some fly to the warm countries , but how can you not enjoy this darkness that falls upon the whole world?

I'm waiting for April and her warmth , and i am wondering, what color will her eyes be this time? Is she warm enough to melt my aching heart and mend my soul? And most importantly, what will i do until then?

I guess I'll write a lot of poems about death and girls I never truly loved.

I never understood who i am, nevertheless , who am i until April comes around.

[ithinkitwasrukia]

Olive

Now that I think about it, she knew what was coming, she knew she was going to leave, and I wouldn't see her again.

She distanced herself from me suddenly, like a rainstorm that comes out of nowhere, just when you're enjoying the sun.

I try to convince myself that she did it to protect me, so I wouldn't suffer as much as she probably did. I always wondered what I did wrong, and that confused me even more, because we were us, and we had always been that way, we had the same past, and wherever we ended up, we were meant to go through it together. There's just a little more to endure, one last year in which I've truly been alone.

I've lost people before, people I cared about deeply, but she was the dearest to me, a kind of redemption for all that had happened.

I hope that one day I'll understand you.

[ithinkitwasrukia]

The day the wine runs out

At the end of the day, Christmas is just a day when we waste food, call each other as if we haven't acted like jerks all year long.

It's that day when the wine runs out. The day when I think about what it would be like to open the door and see you, with snow in your hair and the same smile as before.

To welcome you into the house where, the last time you left, I didn’t hold you tight enough to my chest, the house where you would slam the door when we argued and burst into tears when the window shattered. You were scared I’d be upset, but I never was, just like I wasn't when my heart shattered the day we said goodbye.

Now, today, it’s just the day when the wine runs out.