I can’t remember being here last
Or the same thing as me leaving through windows while they slept?
My sweet girlfriend was hurt.
Why we both need to wretch out this agony in proximity to eachother. You forget how we both are wilted flowers that topple on eachother.
Matt told me I need to admit that I am traumatized. I reserve that word for people who I think deserve it cause who am I to hurt? I am you also apparently.
I never dated anyone who’d gone through anything as ugly as what I had gone through.
Every day look into face and see stains of things too horrible to type or write. Now I see hers on mine as well. It always happens this way. Everyone who loves wears this hurt and this agony too. Sit down and watch. Your suffering is transparent as it isn’t.
No you, no me, no her, or him, or them, through In through, it’s all at once.
Everything was always out of place. We both must’ve been too obliterated to go through.
Yes, My cloak is bloodstained. Just like my hands, just like my face, my converse and “cool clothes”.
But as embarrassing as it is to say. The blood is mine. Pouring from my hands and from my stomach. I never have nerve to harm another. All times of lashing would be myself. I would never not blame myself for anything that would arise, you would never see yourself with my bones. All receive and all give. It would’ve hurt if we ran this way. I’m sorry it offset you. I was never out for you. Never out to hurt anyone. Never out to use swallow anyone.
I told you I’m too tired to deal with irresponsibility of the heart. Not from you, not from me. I know this all too well myself.
I take hard offense when you say I treat you like property because I don’t think property exists and is a foolish word made by men.
I take a softer offense, more like just a hard low cut when my person and trust was treated like an object to be discarded and replaced on wild whim and speculation.
I never needed any resolve. I never needed a person. I will never beg anyone. I had no need to leave, I hardly expect anyone to stay. No one ever would to anyone anywhere. It’s all a privilege. I never asked you to stay if you didn’t want to. All I ever asked was respect as a person. Thats hard to come by.
Never was there a facade. I swallow and will not be untruthful to a single person.
I never told you that you can’t leave. I was prepared for this blow, but would it have been good for you?
I get told my ex now made a post about me.
I see her face raw and afraid with her voice trembling.
It hurts so bad that she’s in this way
It hurts so bad that I failed her.
It hurts so bad that I feel so similar.
It hurts so bad she did a dishonorable thing to go leave me for a fuck. God I feel so disgusting and I really just clench my clothes feeling like a horrible sexual object. That Useable? That replaceable??
It hurts to tell her that that was wrong. You of all people. I lose grip slightly. I must remember you didn’t mean it.
It hurts I still have her photos and can’t actually erase my feelings for her and still see beneath this mess at her like actual her.
But now, I think I only hurt because you at the end of the day you took to the mirror and slashed her calling her a desperate blood soaked monster. You saw us both in such an ugly way. Informed by misunderstanding.
You’re not wrong to feel. You’re wrong to act in irrationality.
I’m not wrong to rationalize. I’m wrong to deny feeling.
I was too told that I am free.
No one will ever be free until they close their eyes. It happens for a moment.
Wave recedes back into ground. Buried, yeah. like an apple core.
And It’s okay if it was hard to handle.
And now I reach out. One last time.
Because log lady told me to.
Never leave a thing unsaid.
I’m sorry I spoke in hurt words.
It hurts still, but it is only temporary form.
It hurts cause it was actual love.
I just love you and hope it hurts less one day
They don’t deserve your acknowledgment.
“The act is sweet but it casts a shadow just the same”
