Following My Feet of Love and Action

I'm Carly and you've reached my blog. I intend to use this blog to document and share my experiences during my time within my long term civil service program. I am just as clueless about the outcome of this blog as you possibly are so buckle up, and be prepared to go on this ride with me with an open mind. If necessary please be prepared to do as little blinking as possible, bring a towel, try not to panic, and prepare for a shiny ride via a beat up but reliable vessel...or ignore that last part if you didn't get any of those references.

[itsalasallianlifeforme]

The Search for Non-problematic Service

As I start my year off at my new ministry (a K-12 Lasallian charter school) I have been doing quite a bit of thinking about my service in the past, in the future and as a whole. Since it’s the beginning of the year, we have professional development sessions after the high school students are dismissed. The latest PD was brought to you by a group of staff members who focused on being informed on trauma to better teach our scholars. As teachers and people who are working with marginalized communities who have experienced trauma in their lives, we (and in my personal opinion, all teachers) should be aware of this. We watched a section of a documentary called “Paper Tigers” which documents their implementation of trauma-sensitive programs and functions at Lincoln Alternative High School in Walla Walla Washington. One thing that they said in the segment that we watched was that the best thing for teenagers/children who experience trauma is having stable, positive role models in their lives. This is the basis of restorative justice in our school: building, and maintaining healthy and positive relationships with and between scholars, teachers, and others in the school. This is what will be the base and glue of creating and maintaining and healthy learning environment.

It got me thinking about my own service and service in general. One of the many aspects of my service this year is to mentor, check in with and monitor behavioral plans that we have set up with various students. Essentially take them for a stroll, to the Reset Room or to my office and ask them something that probably very few people are asking them.

“How are you really?”

“What’s going on?”

Through our conversations and offering some friendly adult advice, I hope to help them make healthy decisions and be an outlet for what’s going on with them and their lives so they can do the best that they possibly can in school. Over time I hope that we develop the relationships needed in order to us having conversations about healthy life choices and academic decisions more natural but that will take time and I also realize that I only have a year to do this with them.

While this is great and something that I hope both parties will find enriching I can’t help but wonder if I am contributing to the problem this particular population is facing, since I am only going to be serving here for one year. The part of me that is a little more analytical than my emotions would like me to be is sitting with a drink and a smoke and rolling its eyes...doing this: 

I am contributing to the problem. The other part of me is bringing up that hopefully what mentoring and positive outlook that I am bringing to the table will serve as an example for our scholars to seek and look for on their next step (whether that is next year, at a job or college) and that just maybe that will negate any of the negative effects of me being present and then absent.

I can’t relate to the scholars on a lot of levels, as I have lived a fairly privileged life and have not had to come into contact or deal with what they experience on a daily basis. I recognize that I’m about as useless as a dead dog on a leash in that regard. At the end of the day I still get to take the bus home in my nice comfortable house and to a community that loves one another- to all of my privileges. The fact that I have a bachelors degree and am able to dedicate two years of my life and have the possibility of gaining even higher education is proof that I am privileged enough to do this. What my scholars are facing and will be discussing me is not my every day life. They know that, and I know that. I have to do my best to shut up, listen and walk with them through that. If I could put my own input/attempt to provide a useful outlook on something, and try to justify the aforementioned realization to myself in one way it would be this:

I moved around a lot, and thus had a little collection of positive figures that did their best to help me make healthy life decisions when things were rough. These people are wonderful and jewels that I have kept in touch with despite the number of times that I have moved. To find someone that was another incredibly positive and supportive force in your life, and then lose them is incredibly painful and damaging, to say the least. Kids, I feel you on that. I apologize in advance for the day that I have to leave and I won’t be there to support and walk with you anymore. In hindsight and after the sting of yet another person detaching themselves from you or vice versa, I do realize that it equips you with skills to find those special people and seek that in others around you a lot faster because you’re not sure about how much time you have with them.

Now that I have rationalized that to myself the question that still remains: How do I (and others who are doing service) become less part of the problem?

Unfortunately, I am unsure if I can avoid being part of the problem due to how my placement is set up. But I can do my best to be less of a problem. For my current situation, I think it all really has to do with time.  I can do my best to not be part of the problem much more effectively once I finally earn my MA and teach at the same place, long-term. I can also make sure that I am reachable (with the ever-evolving world of email and social media) to those who still want to stay connected and might want that continued mentorship once I am finished at my ministry.  If you are also doing service, I invite you to think about and analyze both the positive outcomes of your presence and service there and what your presence there was a volunteer is reinforcing. As volunteers, we are tired, overworked and underpaid (because it’s service) however we tend to gloss over the unintended impacts that our presence holds. Being aware and trying to lessen the damage of those unintended negative impacts is just as important as the good we are trying to put forth in our communities. It doesn’t make you a terrible person, nor does it make you a saint. It makes you another one of millions of considerate people who need to exist to create a better world, for both ourselves and others.

[itsalasallianlifeforme]

Dance of Compassion.

My service site is unique in both positive and negative ways. I see a lot of client interaction with retreat groups who have an abundance of privilege and clients of our partner agencies who do not. I’m going to be frank and explain what the make up the two groups that I serve generally look like. 

The group of retreatants are generally from out of state or different parts of Chicago and white, and rather privileged. We certainly have groups who have people in them that closely identifies with the underserved communities we do service with, but I’d say that’s about 15%-20%. 

The other groups are the partner agencies and their clients who (in one capacity or another) fit into an undeserved and or minority category.

Something that I have been struggling with since I started doing retreats, is defining who exactly I am serving, and how that answer impacts my interactions with the people who are there on retreat. This brings me to what my “dance of compassion” looks like. 

This is a very complicated issue but it’s even more complicated for me individually because I am the one of the two retreat facilitators of color in my organization. I am serving the groups that come here to experience an urban immersion retreat but those students and I as a brief community then serve marginalized communities via direct service.  It’s our job as retreat facilitators to leave the students  with a deeper understanding of social justice issues than they arrived. There are moments where becoming more socially aware is uncomfortable and people show various displays of white fragility which is something that I personally have zero time for as a person of color. This surfaces a dilemma in my head more often than not.

I am a Lasallian. I care about providing a quality education in whatever capacity that may be. I want and strive to create and maintain an inclusive community but what to do and how to navigate that is difficult during instances of white fragility slowing or putting a halt to their learning. I always feel like either the group who are on retreat with us or the group of marginalized individuals that we serve with get the short end of the stick. For example, when a group gets defensive about their privilege during a discussion about white privilege or systemic oppression, and how it hurts marginalized communities I always come to a cross roads.

1.     Do I give them (the group that’s on retreat with me) more compassion in that moment because they’re not at that level of awareness, but need to get there? If I push too hard they will not be receptive to furthering moments of future learning and addressing their privilege.

2.     Do I be less sympathetic because they still have a wealth of privilege that countless groups do not have even though they are having a hard time confronting that? Your fragility and personal struggle makes zero impact on the fact that others are still systemically oppressed in ways that you are not if you are white.

Who do I show more compassion to complete our objective?

There are things that I need to do, but I’ve found that white fragility can put a serious wrench in the trajectory the group has in becoming more socially aware.

There are things that I know I need to do, without answers on how to do them.

·       I need to recognize he dignity and oppression of these marginalized communities and make a point to do so but I may alienate the group who I’m facilitating.

·       I need to stand in solidarity with these marginalized communities (that I may or may not be a part of)

·       I need the groups to walk away with an understanding of their privilege and how that has and can play a role in the way they serve, how it has affected the environment around them, and how they can actively use it to make changes.

·       I need the group to feel comfortable with me in order them to be willing to continue to learn with me.

·       I need to do my best and hate myself less when I fail to stand in solidarity or when I slight the dignity of said marginalized communities to soothe the reaction of groups when bouts of white fragility surfaces.

One way or another, I need to be understanding and meet people where they are at and get them to where they need to be. Do I do that, at the cost of the dignity and voices of marginalized communities? If I must, how do I reconcile that with myself at the end of the day as not being part of the problem?

How do I deal with the feeling of failure to my communities when I need to do that, and how do I navigate in an environment who doesn’t understand what that feels like? I don’t expect all of my co-workers to understand or care enough if I continued to share these dilemmas with them, or to do anything about it unfortunately. It doesn’t affect them in the same way, nor do I believe that making the decision to cater to a groups white fragility impacts them in the same way. Why would it?

When these instances occur, I feel an unsettling sense of self hatred, because I have turned my back on my communities because a group of people with a lot of privilege are having a hard time understanding someone else’s story. Despite being part or an organization that works to shed light on social justice issues and how it effects marginalized communities, I often feel very alone in the pain and rage that is felt by the communities that I belong to and others do not. It infuriates me even more that when I offer suggestions for the marginalized groups that I am a part of, they often go unheard by others because of the actions of others with privilege who let their own discomfort get in the way of growth.

So, continues my dance of compassion, with no clear sight as to which partner I should dance with more. Both certainly need it but at the cost of the other. 

[itsalasallianlifeforme]

Who Do I Live With?

I have now just realized that throughout my months of service I have touched on a lot of aspects but I have left out one very big one, and that is my community. The people that I live and serve with. I’m going to remedy that right now. I live in a rather large house filled with seven other wonderful people. There are five current volunteers, one former volunteer, and two Christian brothers.

This is us.

I attribute at least half of my experience to these people. They make more difficult times at my site tolerable and bring life to where I didn’t know I even needed it. I have never lived in an intentional community before and feel incredibly fortunate to do so with them. I won’t say that we are perfect (because no one is) but we do everything I think a good community should.

We support each other when we need it, level with each other and call each other out on our bullshit when we need to, and we mess with each other way more than we should. The rest of our cohort has made it known that we are wild, and we are but that is definitely how we like it.

I’ll go through person by person, so you get to know who they are a little better.

This is Diana.

Diana is a second year in the program and at the St. Michael House. She hails from Memphis Tennesee. She is our rock in a lot of ways, and the biggest giver that I have ever met. During all of our transitions into the house, she always has done her best to answer our questions on community life in the house and with the two brothers that we have come to love. She is also the reason for my interest in K-pop increasing since I’ve started living here. Diana and I clicked very quickly when I came for my site visit, and she is the first friend that I ever made in Chicago. We share a love for Asian culture and sausage biscuits and gravy. She hates it when I use her braids to make a fake mustache on her face, but lets me do it anyway. When we are not messing with each other, we are perfecting our old-creepy-man-hitting-on-you voices.

This is Jotti, please ignore Liam being creepy in the background.

Future lawyer, and resident vegetarian of the house. Despite coming from the sunny land of California, she endures Chicago’s cold winters with us. Jotti and I are the dark souls of the St. Michael House and we have both agreed (and remind each other) that our hearts have either been stolen or they have shriveled up to tiny black masses, which one really depends on the day. Funnily enough, on some days I love her and the community enough that I will sit and be present during excruciating episodes of The Bachelor and Are You the One. Despite what Jotti says, she is a decent cook and makes a mean ravioli for dinner. If you are reading this Jotti, remember your cooking isn’t all that terrible if it hasn’t killed anyone...yet. She also provides us excellent dinner entertainment when she pushes the boundaries and messes with Brother Mike during dinner.

This is Amy.

Amy is from Arkansas and is one of the teachers that I wish I had when I was in the 8th grade. She is my fellow afternoon coffee drinker of the house and Harry Potter nerd. While she is one of the more quiet ones in this madhouse, her zingers are killer and she is always there to join me when I lament about how terrible men can sometimes be. She is the best gal pal everyone has always wanted. She and I are also huge readers and have spent quite a few afternoons reading out on our second-floor balcony. If you need some encouragement and gal-to-gal empowerment Amy is your lady.

This is Liam.

Liam is from Minnesota and our resident shit starter of the house. If you personally know me and don’t follow me on Snapchat, I would suggest you do simply to watch Liam's shenanigans. Liam is also one of the teachers that I wish I had when I was in the 7th grade. Let me just say that I know that his students feel loved, and I would have loved having my classes taught to me through a funny voice and a rubber chicken. Yes, you read that correctly. The chicken’s name is Jimmy. If there is anyone that I can count on to make me laugh, reach things I’m not tall enough to grab, make hysterical commentary on shows, and pester me like the brother I always wanted but never got- it’s Liam.

This is Emily.

Emily is one of the finest people that I know, and one of the finest co-workers I have ever had. We get each other through work and through our life here in a lot of aspects. She’s my other rock along with Diana, and they both keep my feet firmly planted on the ground when they want to levitate me into the air to throttle people. She is called “The Moose” but not because she is from Colorado, or because she fights supernatural entities but because if you piss her off she will kill you. This lady is fiercely ambitious, friendly and simply a bad ass. This is a lady who gets shit done and still has time to enjoy some tea and read about her future husband Bono before she tucks in for the night. I have so much respect for this woman as a friend and as a co-worker. She also shares my love for being adventurous with the food that we cook in the house and international travel.

This is Brother Mark (and Maggie our program associate director, she’s a badass)

Brother Mark...is like a cactus. Sharp and sometimes pokey, pleasant to be around, and adds a particular ambiance in whatever room it’s in. As long as you touch it the right way and don’t poke it at the wrong angle you won’t get pricked. While he is quiet like a cat or a ninja (I swear he just appears out of thin air) you feel protected when he is around. He is quiet when you are around but if you pick a topic he likes to talk about you are in for some very insightful conversation. I’ve come to appreciate Brother Mark as I’ve lived here, and appreciate (at least most of the time) the direct manner in which he answers questions. He also makes a mean pot of chicken and dumplings, perhaps due to his Kansas roots and he makes a fabulous martini.

And last but certainly not least, this is Brother Mike.

Brother Mike is a very pleasant soul to be around, a cheeky and pleasant soul. Despite football season being over, his love for the Green Bay Packers still surprises me every once in a while. He always provides us with interesting tidbits about his home state of Wisconsin. However, we are still working on getting him to stop at the Cheese Castle when we take our alleged community road trip to WI. Brother Mike is a sensitive soul, but we have this strange game of pushing each other's buttons. He sometimes “puts on his white, middle-class Wisconsin, man” hat on when we talk about certain subjects to see what my reaction will be. We also enjoy dance parties in the kitchen when he is cooking, to oldies but goodies.

Thank you for taking the time to meet my community, hopefully, one day you will get to meet these awesome people.

[itsalasallianlifeforme]

The Pain and Beauty Within My Community, and Why I Love and Hate Sharing It.

At my service site, we do an array of activities during our time with students while they’re here on retreats. One of the activities that we do is something called “The Night Walk.” Unlike many of our activities, we don’t really do too much preparation with them or tell them about the activity beforehand. We just tell them that we are going to take them to a different part of the city and that it is going to look very different from the other parts of Chicago that they have already visited on the south and or west side. We ask them to observe what is around them and to keep a few questions in mind as we do a walking meditation. 

What would you do if:

You didn’t have anywhere to go/sleep for the evening?

You didn’t have anything to do?

You didn’t have any money to spend?

And to observe their surroundings to look for signs of who may or may not be welcome in the areas we enter on the Night Walk. 

We start off at a very swanky, nice looking part of the city next to Wrigley Stadium. It’s got far too many bars and stores for people to wander in and out of, to celebrate a win or drink away a loss after a Cubs game. Throughout the walk, I point out different things that help them delve into the questions that we asked them to consider. For example on one bar, there is a dress code that prohibits people from wearing many things if they want to enter such as: Du rags, “excessively” baggy clothing, work boots, “gang attire”, matching colors, shorts that are no longer than one inch past the knee, camouflage, Hawaiian designs, tie dye, overalls, cargo pants of an “odd color”, shirts with skull designs on them, dirty clothes, ripped clothes, frayed clothes etc… clearly many people are not welcome in this establishment. Carefully read over the list again, I’ll let you sit with that and think about who they are not welcoming on your own. You’re smart, I’m sure you’ll come to the correct conclusion and your answer may be different than mine, but I think we will both agree that it is not pretty. It really astounds me that people have the balls to exclude people in such a way, and to do it through the guise of a dress code. I wouldn’t give this bar my money if they were the last place in Chicago that had McKenzie's Black Cherry Cider, which is always my drink of choice.

Anyway… after this bar, we continue to walk to head into Boystown, an area that is highly populated by members of the LGBTQ+ community. Boystown has many centers/organizations and ministries that offer services that are more frequently needed by the queer community. This includes anything from stores that sell rainbow flags to health centers and small mini rainbow statues that have names of figures who have had an active part in advancing LGBTQ+ rights.

I first took this walk with staff and I found that this area was very special to me. This was where a lot of my LGBTQ+ community members lived, and I’ve felt pretty separated from that community since I’ve moved here. It’s about an hour away from where I live now and I plan to go there more often but it’s not somewhere I can go to regularly. 

I relish the opportunity to bring students here. As to be expected, there are groups who were not as appreciative of its existence and what it offers and groups that are. Sometimes (in groups who do appreciate it) as students look around and say how wonderful Boystown is, I see a flash of pain and yearning because they don’t have a space like this in their communities. In that moment that I see, the all of that emotion run rampant in their eyes and I sympathize with it all. I was them at some point. I remember all of the ways in which I as a person who had a supportive mother, did my best to be a micro version of this space for my friends who didn’t have that. I did that with the hope of being that space for someone who needed it, at a point in their life where I didn’t have it. I remember what that loneliness felt like, how I felt as one of the 5 people who were out of the closet in the many high schools I attended and unwanted in those spaces. The pain from that is easily recognizable by others who have experienced it, it’s like a marking that appears and disappears on your face. When I see it, I go back to high school when my mom and I had to provide a safe haven for a friend who had been kicked out of their home after their parents found out they were gay. All of the fear of what was going to happen when they had to face that family member again, the uncertainty that sat like a rock in my stomach as I thought about whether or not they would have a safe place to sleep later that night. I remember how helpless I felt as the principal of our school had asked what happened. I remember the anger I felt, that my mom, myself, (and I’m sure) my friend, and the principal (who was also part of the LGBTQ+ community) seemed to be the only people who really cared because we understood that gravity of the situation. I think back to the anger that I felt when I found out that my friend’s mother had called the principle to try and separate us, and switch me out of classes that we had together because I had helped them. I still feel the despair when I think about the fact that someone felt it necessary to do that because they didn’t understand something, and wanted to go out of their way to sever what help someone needed in that situation. Rehashing all of that trauma is something that I hope is worth it as we walk through Boystown. To me, the all too familiar vulnerability I feel whenever we take students there is worth the strength and broadened perspective I hope to give them as we walk. All of the trauma I’ve experienced as an LGBTQ+ community member is secondary to a greater purpose -their learning- for the hour that we walk together.

Once we’re back at the center, we later try and point out and talk about systemic issues that cause the need for centers and places that provide specific services for marginalized communities like the LGBTQ+ community. And to answer the questions we had prompted to them before the walk started. Places that are very unwelcoming to others touch elbows with places like Boystown. Boystown and other neighborhoods are special and necessary.They offer places to go when you have nowhere to go, or nowhere to sleep at night. They offer things to do when you don’t have any money to spend. They make you feel welcome and part of the community when you may not feel that you are, elsewhere. It’s not just gay bars. We also point out the fact that LGBTQ+ youth make up a large portion of youth who experience homelessness, and why that is the case is also something we get to talk about later. It often takes every fiber of my being not to just blurt all of the information out, because they need to take some steps to figure somethings out on their own. Sometimes I worry about what will happen when I am with a group that will be very unsympathetic during a Night Walk. I haven’t experienced a group like that before, but my co-workers have. There is a lot of trauma that can come with being part of any marginalized community, and if there’s one thing that really pisses me off it’s when people are dismissive of that. 

There is one spot at the end of the walk that we always stop at that moves me (and sometimes other students) a little more than the others, and that is the Center on Halstead. It’s a strange moment of hope and despair sometimes. I’ve found that it’s literally one of the most painful things I have seen and experienced in reference to my service.

This building and its history is an interesting one, it’s beautiful, inspiring and heartbreaking. At the moment, this building is yet another center in Boystown that offers various services to those who seek them within the LGBTQ+ community. Part of the Center on Halstead is a retirement home. However, it was not always a retirement home or a safe place for people in the queer community to go. It used to be a police station. People who currently live there remember being in the gay bars that are just a few blocks from this building, and being arrested or booked in that very building after police would raid the bars. They live in the same space, in a community that now widely accepts them where they once felt pain and betrayal. If that isn’t the most disheartening, inspiring and amazing things that I’ve ever seen and heard…I don’t know what is. That building (for me) is a great source of pain and beauty due to the struggles people went through in the past and where they and the community stand now. It’s a landmark of progress for my community. For those of you who are not familiar with me on a personal level, LGBTQ+ rights are something that is very important to me. Through my service and future work, I hope to help further LGBTQ+ rights for our community so the future members of the community won’t have to experience something like this again.

If you’re ever in Chicago and want to see Boystown I highly suggest it. And if you have a town that is inclusive of marginalized communities like the LGBTQ+ communities, minorities etc, I would ask that you support them and their work. Places like Boystown are more than just a place for some good nightlife. It’s a place that understands the needs of their community, and a place that recognizes their struggles and does their best to provide help for those issues when it can’t be found as easily or at all in society.

Despite how much I really love doing Night Walks with students, something I am really sitting with is the fact that we are going through this community (and others) to help students on retreat gain a better understanding of a number of things… while somewhat exploiting the life of others without or with their knowledge. We do our best to split the groups up so that way it doesn’t seem that obvious that, that is what we are doing. However, the question wages in my head… is the possible exploitation of people that live in these communities a necessary insensitivity to help spread awareness for others within the LGBTQ+ communities when the students take this experience and knowledge home with them? 

Many of the groups that come are unaware or not as aware of the complexities or existence of the social justice issues that we talk about. I personally would rather someone see and ask, rather than assume wrong information but I can’t speak on behalf of others. That observation of respite from the vulnerability oppression creates, is something that I feel conflicted about showing, despite the intentions of the activity. So really it boils down to, intentions versus impact on the communities we walk through, and the students entrusted to our care for the time being. Sometimes, more often than not, it takes time to get to a respite from that vulnerability. In a few ways, I feel like I may be violating that by bringing groups there. But then again, is any marginalized community and the people who are part of it ever free from that vulnerability? Perhaps we don’t escape it, but just learn how to grow around it or take steps farther away from it to truly live as we are. In Boystown, and other marginalized communities there is undeniable beauty, community, acceptance, and love- but there’s also undeniable pain and hardships…who in the hell am I to reveal that? Am I doing this as a retreat facilitator who wants people to broaden their perspective? Am I doing this as a member of the LGBTQ+ community who wants people to sympathize and understand the struggles of our community?

Any thoughts? What do you think?

[itsalasallianlifeforme]

Doctor Vision

There are many things that amaze me about the Doctor, but the thing that astounds me the most is his view of humans. Naturally, there is often a point of view that The Doctor holds that I share with him on the subject of humans. Much like my own view of humans, his flip-flop from cherishing and appreciating them to expressing his disappointment in their faults; but his love for them is something I find to be incredibly special. Inspiring, even.  

Those moments that The Doctor has shown us many times, a particular feeling of faith in humans. The way he sees their beauty is something that I hold onto down in the very pit of my soul. I wish I could feel more often. I say that when I see the beauty of humanity, I have Doctor Vision because that is what he sees in humans...well at least most of the time. But there are little moments that restore my faith in humanity when the world seems to be falling apart around us, and they sometimes occur during my interaction with the students that come to our retreat center. I recently finished up a retreat with an all-boys Lasallian high school that had one of those moments and I’d like to share it with you.

I had a little bit of apprehension about being possibly the only female on this retreat, however, there was another with me who was a chaperone for this group. I was unsure of what to expect as a female and a woman of color, I have experienced my fair share of people not respecting me or giving me space to do my jobs due to toxic masculinity, racism, sexism etc. I wasn’t expecting it from the group but I was not ruling it out as a possibility either. But the group was pleasant and respectful. I was pleasantly surprised by how neatly they lined up their shoes in the mudroom, and with my own preconceived notions that they would be messy due to their age and the fact that they are an all-boys high school. But in all seriousness, look at this: 

Anyway...during our time at one of our service sites that we refer to as Port, we help with an afterschool program and help the kids that utilize it to do homework before playing with them. These usually involes things like card games, a sport of some sort or playing with dolls. Usually, we don’t have too many all-male groups, so the male students who utilize that after-school programs are excited because they have a gaggle of boys to have some fun with. This time there seemed to be fewer girls there than usual on that day, and I had already been claimed by two girls that usually pick me to help them when I take groups there. They are silly, and the sweetest. Whenever I come there they whisper “She’s back!” and I am always equally as happy to ask them how they are and help them with their homework. Since there seemed to be fewer girls that day, I didn’t feel as stressed to distribute my time to different groups of girls when I wasn’t playing with the two girls that I usually ask me to spend time with them. 

By the time that I had finished helping them with their homework, I had been given the nickname “Harley” and “Shanaynay” and Greg (my coworker) had been deemed “Alarm Clock” and we were all smiles. I don’t know where the nicknames came from, but they were ours for that afternoon. It was time for the group to either go upstairs to play with the boys or stay downstairs to play with the girls. I figured that the high school students would go upstairs to play a sport with the boys and the female chaperone and I would stay downstairs but I spotted one of the male students who had stayed downstairs with us. 

I kept a curious eye on him during my game of Brain Cadoo (a mix of charades and tick tack toe) with the group of girls that I was with to see something beautiful. He and one of the girls were playing with a bunch of barbies, he looked over at me and said “Do you know what we’re doing over here?” after eyeing a Dora the Explorer doll sitting atop a triceratops, two Elsa’s (from Frozen) backing her on horseback, and a group of animals following them; I shook my head no and asked him to tell me. He explained that this set up was how the movie should have played out and that they were creating an army together. 

This student and the girl were having so much fun creating this army. I had no idea what their objective was but they were enjoying themselves none the less. It was heartwarming and faith-restoring to see him hang back and spend some time with her, and have fun doing it. He mentioned that the guys would talk smack when they came downstairs but that he didn’t care, which drove my appreciation for this student even further.  He, unfortunately, was correct. As soon as the students came downstairs they walked through the room and made comments about how he played with dolls when he was on his own in a joking way. To which I asked the students to stop, how the student chose to serve at this site was his own choice and not anyone else’s. But the student didn’t seem phased by his friends joking with him and helped clean up the barbies back into the box. 

I feel like there are many problematic things we don’t get to address either because we don’t have enough time or because the group isn’t really “there” yet and able to have a fully fruitful discussion about it yet. There’s always quite a bit to talk about with so little time.  

I also wish that there were more people like the student who played with the little girl and helped build an army together. We would be so much freer if we just did what they wanted to do despite the fact that they may go against bullshit social constructions like gender roles and race. Far too many people are concerned about social constructions and it gets in the way of so much progress that can be made. People like him give me Doctor Vision, kindness goes a long way. No one should be made to feel ashamed of the service that they do. The student was aware that the couple of hours that we were serving at Port wasn’t about him, but about the kids that were there. He doesn’t read my blog or know that I have one but I want to affirm this student for what he did as an example for his classmates, for his time at Port and for giving me Doctor Vision. 

You rock and you’re awesome, stay that way. 

[itsalasallianlifeforme]

You Know You Are a Retreat Facilitator When...

...A man uses your race to try and pick you up at a bar and you’re not angry at least not immediately. 

A few weeks back, after a long and frustrating day at work I joined my community members at a bar on the north side of Chicago for a couple of drinks. My co-worker and community member Emily and I needed a few alcoholic beverages to numb our brains and that numbness was something we were both very much looking forward to. But as always, work doesn’t end when you leave the office. Upon a arriving there, we met up with our community members and met some of their co-workers that we were unfamiliar with. 

Half way through our time there, I went up to the bar to get another drink and there was a man who was sitting down and enjoying his own (clearly he had had a few more than I had at the time) and invited me to sit down. He seemed to be there by himself and in need of company. So I decide to be nice and sit down while I wait for the bartender to make my drink.

After inviting me to sit with him, he started the conversation off with “Are you Hawaiian?” to which I replied,  “No, I am Korean but you’re not the first person to ask me that.”  I’ve had a random plumber who came to fix something in our home ask me that before he left. Where people get the idea that it is just okay to demand to know your ethnicity when it is different than theirs is a more complicated issue that grinds my gears but that’s a whole other topic for possibly another blog post. Anyway, the man then went on to drunkenly make comments about my eyes, and how mine were lower than his, but that was “just fine” and that he was certainly “not racist.”  Whether or not he actually believed that statement, is unknown to me. I have a gut feeling that I know the answer, but it’s not fair of me to make assumptions about him and his own understanding of his privilege(s) and how they play out in his life.

I wasn’t sure what to make of the comments, but he then asked me “Do you hate white people?” the question wasn’t something that I had expected to come out of his mouth. I don’t hide my facial expressions very well but I know I am decent at hiding displeasure from my face (to the untrained eye) when I am making an effort, and at that point I was actively trying to do so. Despite being surprised by such a random question, I found the reply, “No, I don’t. Why would you think that?” come out of my mouth. With yet another smile. By the way ladies, don’t ever feel like you owe men smiles, that feeling is a social norm that has been ingrained into our minds but it is by no means required. You don’t owe anyone shit. He was clearly too inebriated to answer me thoroughly, but he then went on to trying to inform me that white people hate Trump too. I knew that, and recognized that it was probably another attempt at alleviating the guilt his man most likely felt due to his privilege as a white person but I decided that wasn’t something to tackle or bring up at the moment either. Nor was it fair to outwardly make that assumption. It’s not that these issues aren’t important to talk about, but it was clear he had drunk too much for that conversation to get anywhere. As a person of color, or minority of sorts I’m sure others have moments of understanding of interpersonal interactions with the effects of oppression, but let it all just sink to the back of your head to add to your collections of I-weep-for-the-sake-of-humanity moments. Spoiler alert, those moments fucking suck and they happen far more often than those who may not usually experience them (in that context) think. 

Ordinarily, before I started working as a social justice retreat facilitator I would have been immediately ticked off by the comments he made about my eyes. Yes, I know my eyes are more almond shaped. They’re my fuckin’ eyes. I see them every day, I apply to make up to them and that took me way longer to learn how to do due to their shape. I don’t need you to point out the difference between you and myself. But in this moment I found myself intrigued as to why he thought that this would be a good conversation topic. Usually I would have defaulted to my naturally sassy inclinations and pointed out that this was not a way to open up a conversation. But I wasn’t angry, I was surprised that my first instinct was to figure out why he thought what he thought, and why he chose to ask me these things...especially since I was a stranger. I had met quite a few people like him in high school and other adults bodies at the center that I work at. I had met handfuls of mainly white people who had come from privileged backgrounds and who may or may not have been curious to know about social justice issues and the lives of people they wouldn’t ordinarily come into contact with. I’d developed that art of keeping a straight face when someone says something problematic and do my best not to get angry, and instead ask them why they thought what they thought; in order to herd them onto the path of recognizing their own biases and assumptions about people and communities who were different than them. But what was this one’s angle?

Was it that he was curious and was just awful at conveying that?

Was it that he was terrible at picking up women, and this was the route of conversation he chose to pursue? 

Was it that he was feeling guilty about his white privilege and needed to confront his own biases and this was the platform to try to attempt that?

Who the hell knows. I didn’t, and still don’t. 

I sat there, unsure of what to do or say. I could have tried to help him break all of that down, it’s literally part of what I do for my service. He picked a good person to do this with, but he was clearly too drunk to really do what needed to be done to get anywhere. My friend, was standing next to me, speaking his room mate and I decided to use him as a scapegoat and politely told the guy that I had to go and keep an eye on my friend. The man looked dejectedly at me, and my friend (who is a male) and looked dead at me and said, “You know he is a homosexual right?” and then followed up that assumption with, “But by all means, go and have sex with him.” 

At this point, my retreat facilitator hat came off and I slipped into anger. I looked between my friend and this man, and told him outright, “What gives you the right to make that assumption about someone you’ve never met before, you don’t know him. And so what if he fuckin’ was?” Adding insult to injury, I made my departure from the bar and informed him that there was a reason that he was sitting at a bar alone, and my friend was here with 10 other co-workers and friends who were enjoying his company. I had been patient up until that point but at that moment my bucket of patience had run out. 

I believe that when someone is drunk, you see the parts of them that are suppressed by  logic and self control. I think that I saw a glimpse of this man in it’s unfiltered form and I was slightly sad that I couldn’t dig deeper on this interaction with him so that way this wouldn’t happen to another person he interacted with again. Perhaps that is someone else’s mission when he isn’t too drunk to have that conversation with him, I hope he gets to that moment where he can have a coherent conversation about it and better understand some of what he was saying. 

You know you are a social justice retreat facilitator when your goal is to help someone process/understand problematic things, not snap. To stand on your justice foot, and get to the root causes- not quick corrections for quick fixes. 

[itsalasallianlifeforme]

Be Proud

I usually write something for national coming out day, and today is no different. I am a firm believer, that despite the increasing acceptance of the LGBTQ community- there is someone out there that needs words of acceptance and love.

So here we go.

Love yourself.

It’s easier said than done, I know that it is easier said than done.

I’ll go a little further and say, love yourself for who you are.

Love your identity, the way you express yourself and for who you are. There are people who will try to tell you to do the opposite. Don’t listen to them.

I see you. I see you for who you are.

Your identity is real and valid.

If you have come out already, thank you for your bravery.

If you haven’t come out yet, then know that you have the love of the LGBTQ community now and in the future.

I can’t pretend that I know every struggle that you are going through, I’m not going to. But I can say that I would be there for you.

I will listen.

I will stand with you as we live, exist and love together in and out of our community.

I will fight with you when we fight for our rights to be treated as equal human beings.

Be brave with me.

You might be scared, I am scared too. I don’t know what is going to happen to our community in the future. I know there will be people who try to hinder our progress, and our lives because they hate us, without even knowing us.

If someone hasn’t told you this today, I love you and I see you.

So happy national coming out day, celebrate all of the bravery that our community has found and has yet to discover. Because if history has taught us anything, it is that we are full of brave individuals. We’ve drawn strength from each other and ourselves against all of the adversity our community has faced.

I’m here for you, I see you, and I love you.

Don’t hide, you’re beautiful just the way that you are.

Our future is bright. 

[itsalasallianlifeforme]

Decisions.

The ships of social justice initiatives are difficult things to navigate, on social levels, bureaucratic levels, pretty much all levels. 

As someone who serves at a site that educates people about social justice issues through service learning, means that as a retreat facilitator and media coordinator, I must be mindful of others opinions. This is how good dialogue and conversation comes between people who may have opposing view points. This isn’t a bad thing, from one perspective. But from another, this can prove to be problematic.

I’ve had a few interesting conversations with those that I work with, and the views of the higher ups, about statements that are made by the center on important and controversial issues that we touch upon during the immersion retreats our groups engage in with us. It has been said from those who wield more power than I and my supervisors, that we must remain somewhat neutral on these issues. Issues such as immigration, discriminatory legislation, LGBTQ issues, police brutality...you know all the stuff that makes people uncomfortable. 

I understand why they would ask this of us, if it is for the purpose of creating an open environment for meaningful conversation and dialogue about these topics. That is a very good thing. 

However, I have doubts that this is the only angle that they have made this decision from. After a conversation/exercise with this group to show them what it is that we do with groups that come with us, I have come to a different conclusion. I feel that this neutrality stems from a fear of not wanting to step on others toes, or alienate others who may have different opinions than those that are being presented. And not wanting to sit in that uncomfortably that comes with taking a stance on these issues period. 

This idea is frustrating to me. Social justice is achieved and has been achieved by those with opposing opinions making statements and making their dissent known to those who have power to do something about it. So they can reach the ears of institutions like the one I am volunteering at, or someone who will advocate for those ideas in the government. 

As an organization that teaches about social justice issues surrounding our area, how can we stay neutral without staying complacent with the current system of white supremacy and privilege that many people benefit from? How can we stay neutral about this system that the people we are serving, do not benefit from? As an organization that advocates for social justice, that has Lasallian roots, we are doing everyone a disservice by staying quiet on these issues? We can’t, at least not to the full extent that we could be. I feel that those who are making these decisions, and the staff have a bit to learn from each other. During this exercise, it was clear that: many of those who took part in it/ who are not directly involved in the retreats, were uncomfortable sitting in the uncomfortably that is the result of realizing that they (as the majority) benefit from a system, that is set to up disenfranchise the very groups that we partner with and serve. 

History is being written as we stay quiet about x, y and z issues because we don’t want to step on toes. 

Working to achieve social justice is basically stepping on toes to say what needs to be said and do what needs to be done. 

I want to ask those who are suggesting we keep our voice neutral (in the most polite and respectful way possible): 

What side of history they would like to be on as people who wield the power to make a difference? 

If it is a donor/money issue, and they are afraid that people will not donate due to our statements to fight for social justice are they the people we even want money or support from?

If so, is the degradation of the dignity of those we serve in the unfair system we function in worth that money we may get from donors?

Do they feel comfortable being neutral and complacent with the current system that disenfranchises the communities our partner organizations serve in order to not step on toes?

Spoiler alert: I do not. 

If we are a Lasallian institution, do they feel we are living up to the rules and expectations of our own charism?

There are also other questions that I have started grappling with myself after the anti-racism training the staff just completed, and as I get more familiar with my site:

How do I continue to open up conversations to talk about issues of disenfranchised communities (of colour, sexual orientation, immigration status etc) without causing a group to shut down without being too tolerant of white fragility?

What can I do to work within the constraints of being more neutral, but still talk and address the issues I am speaking about. 

If I were to speak to them during our meetings about these issues, as a staff member and someone who actively works with the groups who come for trips with us...would they even listen? As a volunteer I am low on the importance totem pole, and I know that. 

No site is perfect by any means, but these are issues that I an disappointed but not shocked to see. My hope is that we can continue to have these conversations about it and maybe, they will want their institution to be on the same side of history that I want to be on. 

[itsalasallianlifeforme]

Know Your Roots

Today, I came across a very disturbing but not surprising article today about my alma mater. According to the article, former basketball player for the La Salle Explorers, Demetrius Henry made a decision to leave the basketball team and pursue basketball professionally. When asked why, he stated that there were many reasons but he cited a few troublesome things. After reading this article I had a lot of issues with what happened, and the article is available in the hyperlink above but I want to talk about a few key points here: 

According to the article, Demitrius Henry is very vocal about social injustices and this was met with discouragement from his coach Giannini, who apparently tried to silence him and was told to “voice his concerns to Giannini, rather than the public” (Borne) 

“As a sociology major, I’m more aware of these problems now than ever,” Henry said. “As far as doing something on the court, I’m not sure if I would have done something just because I heard when Khalid [Lewis] went to La Salle he wore that ‘I Can’t Breathe’ shirt and he was told to take it off. Some people feel that doing something on the court or field is a distraction to the team but they’re totally missing the point of the message which is to bring awareness to the injustice of minorities.” (Borne) 

“Henry hadn’t planned to do anything like that this upcoming season because of how the program had handled players attempting to do so before.” (Borne)

Allow me to explain why I find these particular passages so infuriating. 

A Lasallian education is a particular kind of education that revolves around five core principles: respect for all persons, faith and presence of god, quality education, providing and nurturing an inclusive community, and concern for the poor and social justice. During our time at La Salle we are given the tools to function in our professional lives, and develop an understanding of how to conduct ourselves with those five core principles at La Salle University. We are told to volunteer our time, do service, learn from and look out for our surrounding community, stand up and have concern for the poor and social justice. It is part of our Lasallian pedagogy. It’s what we do. 

But in this instance we see someone telling a student who is actively being taught to do this, not to do so. To do the complete opposite.

Now before anyone points out this was probably a business and public relations move, I know. But that is not an acceptable excuse.

I understand that the basketball team brings in quite a bit of money for La Salle. I understand that it is easier for people to just sit by and play the game so that way we as an institution do not upset the apple cart and just bring in money for the school. But doing so is against the Lasallian charism. I am infuriated that someone who is an employee of La Salle University would suggest and think that it is better to stifle the personal and Lasallian growth of a student in order to save face and make sure that no one gets upset or offended. This goes against everything we are taught as Lasallians. John Baptist de La Salle would be ashamed. Business, and money, and possible bad press should not get in the way of the Lasallian charism. 

What is equally as frustrating is the fact that I have seen this type of push back before. When I attended, there was tension in the air when the AASL organized a peaceful Black Lives Matter protest. We saw the president there, and were happy for her support. But the tension and reactions that came as as a result of that shine light on a bigger problem. It said a lot more about the school’s campus and views about people standing up for social justice, despite social justice being such a big part of our Lasallian education. In that instance we had some great faculty who supported us, those who conducted themselves as true Lasallian educators. But yet another example of this push back against students engaging in activities that stemmed from their Lasallian values is quoted above about Khalid Lewis who wore an “I Can’t Breathe” t-shirt and was told to take it off. This shirt would hurt no one, but it would raise awareness and potentially bring on a bad image of La Salle, so it wasn’t allowed. 

So tell me, are we supposed to conduct ourselves with those five core values until it makes someone uncomfortable and then stop? Funny... you do know that we realize that’s how oppression continues, and that is how progress in social justice issues are impeded, slowed down and stopped...right?

Unless Giannini is going to be able to make all of the systemic oppression and social justice issues Demitrius and countless other La Salle students are worried about disappear, then just talking to him isn’t going to solve anything. Unless Giannini is going to go out and voice the very same concerns about social justice issues that Demitrius had, in order to bring awareness on a different situation and platform; Giannini’s words and listening ears are as worthless as the amount of change that will come out of staying silent. Making a statement as someone with a platform is much more effective, but everyone knew that already.

Let me say one thing as a Lasallian lay person. If teachers, students, staff or instructors at Lasallian institutions:

1. Are so uncomfortable with the negativity that comes with social justice issues (you know...about the legislation and forces that oppress people and deny people of rights) 

2. Would rather tell someone to be quiet about something that is such a key part of their specific type of education. 

You should to go earn an education somewhere else, or teach elsewhere. 

You are employed at or enrolled in the wrong institution. 

Or educate yourself about the fundamental values and teachings of the institution that employs and educates you. 

Do they align with your own values?

Demitrius, as a fellow sociology major...I understand your position completely. That field gives you an up close, behind the scenes look into issues you had no idea would tear your heart out when you see them in action in the world around you. It’s difficult or nearly impossible to stay silent, after you become painfully aware of the inner workings/reasons behind the social issues you have great concerns about and would give anything to alleviate. 

You’ve got your compass guiding you where you need to go, while others are standing stagnant as they find a way to go. 

So thank you for speaking up.

Thank you for standing up for what you believe in.

The love I have for my alma mater is boundless, but with that comes tough love and calling out bullshit when I see it. 

Do better. 

Students are there for an education, a Lasallian education. 

Provide opportunities to act and learn, don’t hinder them. 

[itsalasallianlifeforme]

What Service is Not (In My Opinion)

I was talking to someone recently about my volunteer program, and what myself and others would be doing. The person that I was speaking with was interested to know about the program, and the Lasallian pedagogy that happened behind it. 

The conversation took a turn that I was not expecting. Most people, just say “Oh wow, that’s great” and move on. But this person found it particularly “amazing” that I would be dedicating my time to this for a time and started showering me in compliments before talking about what they would do. While this volunteer program is not something that everyone would normally do, I found myself feeling somewhat resentful of this person’s praises. My bullshit detector was going nuts. I didn’t resent the praises for the typical reason. I am a pretty low key person, and don’t take compliments well as it is, but I didn’t like the perspective they were approaching the service from. 

In their eyes, my cohort and I are doing this for the sense of accomplishment for ourselves and yes, that is part of it. We are all looking to grow and want to take this as a step to do that in various ways (whether it is through actual service, living in community or connecting with their faith a bit better) but that is not the sole driving purpose. 

It is to serve others. 

As they went on to talk about what kind of service they would like to do, and what they would do in that situation it took every single ounce of me not to roll my eyes. I believe that people innately have good intentions, but this fantasy that they were droning on about was nothing but a hypothetical ego stroke session. I by no means know what serving at my site will feel like at it’s fullest extent. However I do know, that how great you doing what you’re doing is. At the end of the day it is not about you, it’s about the people you’re serving. You’re a person using your tools to fill out an objective to serve people the best way that you can. 

I don’t believe that people who make service (serving others) all about them, should be serving because the glow of “look at what I am doing” will wear off and they won’t want to continue. This helps no one. Service is a labor of love, and those who have a love for service harbor a flame that is inextinguishable because they want to share that with others. However those who hold flames for themselves will find a different flame that will make their own shine brighter. 

This conversation reminded me about someone else who had this outlook. They plan to become a social worker, but whenever I would discuss work with them it would be all about them and it how their work affected them and not the kids/people they were working with. It took quite a bit of effort to sit there and nod, because calling this particular person out would have spiraled into them throwing themselves a pity party to soothe their bruised ego. 

To me, service means being selfless. When you can’t wait to come home to tell your friends and family about all of the progress your students have made, and their achievements. To worry about others trials, and adversity instead of boasting about your own. 

If you want to be “nobel” (as they put it) and serve, then do it. 

/rant. 

[itsalasallianlifeforme]

We discussed mile stones and I have written out a map of my own. I owe a lot to La Salle University for not only sparking my interest in the Lasallian mission but for teaching me what it meant to be Lasallian in the first place. I am forever learning more to expand my understanding of what it means to be a Lasallian but without the basic understanding that La Salle has given me, I would be nowhere. 

It was interesting to realize that back in 2012 I had never even heard of a Christian brother and now, I will be living with two. 

I don’t know what the future holds for me but I hope to do Lasallian scholars after two years of service. My future is uncertain but I know that in the end I would like to teach, whether it is before or after I do something else or wiggle my way into the UN. Perhaps I may speak to some people to see if I would be able to teach in a Lasallian school after. But, who knows?

[itsalasallianlifeforme]

2017 Kitson Institute Chronicles: Volume V.

The sessions for this day were all about faith. As an atheist serving in a religious program, I dreaded this day but it turned out to be much better than I had expected. I had expected the entire training to be more faith based than it was, and that day was more intense than usual but by no means unbearable. 

We were given a few hours for silent reflection on what our “faith journey” was and I found myself sitting in a chair and reflecting on the fact that mine ended years ago. I have a complicated relationship with religion, I see it’s beauty and what good it does for people but it is forever tainted in my mind by the terrible things people have used it for. To me, religion itself is not the problem but it is how people use it and I have seen more damage done by it within my own immediate communities than it has good, so I choose to disengage from it. This (of course) does not mean that I will refuse to go to religious events, do the prayers we do with our community or disrespect other people’s religion. Religion in general is just not my cup of tea. I felt that this was probably an excellent session for those that were more religious, but it didn’t apply to me all that much. I know I was not the only person who did not know certain prayers, but I had a little moment of annoyance as I sat and read a prayer with my cohort. At that moment it felt a little Jesus campy (to me) as I sat there saying the words to a prayer that I did not know, or believe in, in the same monotone manner as the other 30 something people around me. I felt guilty at first for thinking that, until another cohort member (who is fairly religious) asked me if I felt like today's sessions were a little Jesus campy too. I then stopped feeling bad what so ever. However that is my perspective, I am sure that it probably meant more to many other people in the room. 

We were also asked to reflect on how we would serve with strength and humility throughout our time at our service sites. One of the questions stumped me. This idea of strength, is something we all have. My own strength, is something that is like an unconscious drive that has a mind of its own. I almost don’t acknowledge it. My mind/strength and I have had a silent agreement for years that I shut up and do what I need to do, because I have to and that’s the end of it. Kind of like that prickly teacher that you had in school who didn’t talk much, but had a set of expectations that they expected you to follow because they wanted you to do better. But on the topic of humility, I was able to come to a strategy for my service: I will embody humility by meeting people where they are, and do so in order to help them gain a better understanding about social justice. 

During the social that we had that night, we were eating, drinking and discussing what feeds our soul. Quite a few of the answers that I heard were religious based, and it was interesting to hear different people answer this question because it was yet another side of them that I didn’t get as much time with before hand. When I answered questions during some of the session today about praying and faith I found myself crafting my own honest opinions in a fashion that would be the most acceptable to those listening. But I was sick of putting up the facade by the time that it came to my turn to answer the question of what feeds my soul. I also felt that this particular group of people were trust worthy enough to know. 

So what feeds my soul?

Humanity and the universe. 

If you do good things for people, and put good into the world then you will get good out. It might not happen immediately, and that goodness may not even be reciprocated directly back to you from the same person you just gave it to...but it will come back to you. More importantly, it will reach other people. This notion is something I believe in because I have physically felt it, witnessed it and played my part in it. Being nice to each and doing what you can for people is basically what most scriptures tell you to do anyway. 

I fully blame Doctor Who for further manifesting this belief within me. I believed in the beauty of the human race before getting into the show but it only helped build my love for humanity even more. I used to be a much more cynical teenager, but I have come a long way since then thanks to being shown how to love by a man with two hearts. 

Speaking of many hearts, I would like to express just how much we all love the Christian brothers. They bring such joy and life to our group whenever we hung out with them and it was very evident in the atmosphere whenever we spent time with them.  The christian brothers gave us an interesting affirmation that day though. One asked for those who are not catholic or christian to raise their hand. Myself and a few others did, when the brother proceeded to nod and say “That is a real Lasallian.” It was an odd moment, because I wasn’t sure I would ever hear praise from someone from the church for not believing in anything but doing the right thing anyway. Appreciation from the brothers was a much appreciated reoccurring theme from the brothers throughout our time at the Kitson Institute. Early on in the week, when we had first started we all walked into the cafeteria that was filled with Christian brothers, to a round of applause. We were all very confused, until we heard a brother say “to the hard working young people, the Lasallian volunteers”. 

I hope that they know that we love them, just as much as they love us. 

[itsalasallianlifeforme]

2017 Kitson Institute Chronicles: Volume IV.

This one is gonna be long, so get a snack, kick your feet up and get comfy. 

This day was an incredibly heavy (in a good way) because we tackled a lot of important issues, such as: privilege, oppression, white fragility, and diversity awareness. It was a flash back to my sociology classes, and baby let me tell you... it made my brain hurt in the best of ways, and caused my heart to throw itself in a meat grinder. Plus, the lovely presenters used quotes from “Why are all the black kids sitting together in the cafeteria?” and it brought me back to my involvement in tutoring for a program at La Salle that does one of the best jobs at giving it’s students a good idea of what social justice really is- shout out to Summit! 

Being part of the LGBT community has its advantages and practical uses, however the people that I discuss LGBT issues with are usually in the LGBT community. Because of this many are fully aware of all of the more complicated nuances of the spectrum of gender and sexual orientations that exist. I felt that my knowledge was quite useful during these sessions because LGBT centered issues were brought up. For example, another volunteer and I found ourselves trying to explain pansexuality, among other things to those who were not familiar with such topics but wanted clarification. It felt good to put my knowledge to active use. Please excuse my momentary self pat on the back, I promise that the mention of my familiarity with the subject is relevant to what I am about to talk about. 

This session laid out the information in a funnel fashion, where we started off with broad definitions of what kinds of oppression (institutional, interpersonal and internal) existed and narrowed it down to different ism’s (ableism, racism, classism etc) and we got onto the topic of knowledge about the LGBT community and what kinds of ism’s there are that affect and effect that community. One of the volunteers asked a very interesting question:

Do Christian brothers receive this type of training? 

The cohort had implemented a trend that if you liked, or agreed with something that someone had said that you snapped. Yes like in a poetry open mic night, it may seem silly to some but it is a non intrusive way of showing support. When this question was prompted, my fingers were on friggin’ fire. 

The short answer (from what I remember) was no but you have brothers who are open minded and more in touch with the developing spectrum of genders and sexual orientations, and those who are not. I wasn’t sure what the answer exactly was or if I was satisfied with it. I’m certain that this program has had gay, lesbian and bisexual volunteers but I am not sure if it had any trans or non binary volunteers. This got me (and the person that mentioned this) thinking that this should be mandatory for brothers as well. If they have never had a trans or non binary volunteer, would they just find a brother who was okay with that and do their best to accommodate and be there for the volunteer? What would happen if there was a late placement, and there were few options for a placement and none of the brothers at the available sites were okay or equipped to work with a trans or non binary volunteer? What would be done? Would they need to wait to serve in a place with brothers that do? After these questions were quick firing themselves into my mind, I came to the conclusion that these questions would not be as important if there was training to at least teach the brothers about this if they are not familiar with it.

The question was there but lingered, unanswered. I didn’t have the time to ask between sessions, but this is something I would like to discuss with the staff out of my own curiosity. 

Later, we moved onto a fish bowl activity where we listened to the experiences of the volunteers who were now doing their second year of service. This is where the day got intense, because quite a few things happened:

I saw a new side of my cohort members. They weren’t just the lovely people I was getting to know over the next week or so. They were the human, hard working, and sympathetic people that I knew they were.  This shined a light on them in a work setting. 

We got to hear real life examples of the issues of oppression, and white fragility and how that has impacted the second year volunteers and their students/those they serve in their work. 

I believe we got our first taste of what issues we may face during our service, and how deeply rooted they are. This was the first proverbial slap into reality, the atmosphere in the room changed from optimistic interest to... “Buckle up, this is what we are up against”. On top of that, I (and surely others) understood that these issues were most likely not something we as an individual or cohort could rectify in two years. Yay centuries of reinforced white fragility, and systemic oppression! In that moment we realized that: While we are strong, mighty and ready warriors with the hearts of Gryffindors...we are on a quest to fight the well fed and decidedly in charge three headed dog; and we are armed with a letter opener when we thought we were wielding the sword of Gryffindor. 

This conversation was very interesting to me, as I have spent quite some time tutoring about social justice issues and what that looks like in the education system. The stories and conversations of exactly how white fragility, all levels of oppression enraged me from my seat. It hurt even more to see the combination of frustration and sorrow on my cohort member’s faces a they shared their stories of examples of this oppression in their own sites. We all want to save the world, but the realization that it is not feasible to save everyone weighs not on the shoulders of those who are climbing the cliff to do so, but on the soul. I could see that fight to hold it up in their eyes as they spoke. 

As we moved onto different subjects I found myself intellectually stimulated as we talked about the issues of oppression and how that is shown in the various field's each volunteer was working in (mainly education) I found myself becoming more angry and disgusted with what I heard cohort members having to deal with. I am not completely ignorant to it, and it is a specific type of knowledge to be aware of...one that absolutely crushes you once you learn how to identify it. But hearing it, and seeing it weigh on the souls of my cohort members made it much worse. 

This session made me come to a few conclusions and questions:

Diverse staff representation is very important. My cohorts stated that (if they are teachers) that the students at their site would connect with them in certain ways simply because they were not white like the rest of the staff. The students they worked with were excited when a minority teacher came. This should not be something that should bring excitement, this should be something that should be expected and normal. Students not only got to see that someone of color was a teacher, but they also felt a different connection because the teacher of color would understand their struggles more than their white co-workers. This disconnect, is sad to see despite how much I understand it.

The question of how to address faculty members and administrators about white fragility? The fact that it is effecting the students is implied in this question. One volunteer shared a story that prompted this question, and she works at a mostly racial minority student body. A student was frustrated and angry, expressing how white teachers did not understand him or the issues he was going through, and the volunteer told him to take a minute to calm down if he wanted to talk it out with her. Another staff member (whether it was a supervisor or admin escapes my mind) came over to talk to him and asked him what was wrong. He told the staff member (with a lot of frustration that hadn’t fully subsided yet) that he was angry about the way he was being treated, and that the white staff did not understand his struggles. Instead of engaging with the student who clearly wanted to talk about it with someone, the staff member responded with a common white fragility reaction and simply said “Well clearly you are not ready to talk about it” in order to avoid the issue instead of sitting down and discussing it with him. This absolutely enraged me. As a person who has someone’s education, well being, growth etc entrusted in your care, how can you refuse to offer or deny that space to learn for your own comfort? If you can’t engage and talk about tough topics such as race in a mostly racial minority student body...WHY ARE YOU THERE? How do you justify ignoring that portion of growth for your presence in an academic setting?

This also bothered and enraged many other volunteers listening to this. However, my anger (and others) subsided a little when we were reminded that we are not there to change the site we are serving at or the way things are there. We are there to love those we are serving. We are there to do what I live by, do what we can, for who we can, for as long as we can.

I’ve always said this about sociology, but it applies here too: Sociology/service is great and detrimental to those who have a love for it. The more you feed your brain to learn and experience different things, the more you harbor love and hate for the world around you. You love to know why things work, why people do certain things and interact with people but you also see the ugly side that contributes to and destroys the beauty around you.

To me...in this case, sociologist, service volunteer, and masochist are all synonyms of each other. But it’s okay. You cannot ignore the problems you observe, because if you do then you cannot fix them and see the beauty that the solution was made to reveal.

That day was an absolute emotional roller coaster for me but in the end I realized something. While this mission comes with a price of sorrow for the problems we seek to solve, and the love we take out of ourselves in order to give it to those we serve. The more you see, experience, and love... the stronger you make yourself to do better when you must do the same thing for different people, in a different place in the future. 

If you’ve made it to the end, thanks for stickin’ with me. 

Stay tuned for more Kitson Institute Chronicles. 

[itsalasallianlifeforme]

In hindsight, the universe was launching hints at me with the intensity of a flying brick... but it only felt like a cotton ball hitting my face at the time. I need to work on listening to the universe when it is trying to tell me things. This was dated from back in May.

[itsalasallianlifeforme]

2017 Kitson Institute Chronicles: Volume III.

LGBT and the Chruch/Ministries 

Note before we get started: I have obtained permission from the person I am speaking about to share this information.

I have met all different kinds of people at Kitson, and I was happy to see that I had found a few who are part of the LGBTQ community with me as well. Just like anyone else, I had a few thoughts and worries about serving in a faith based service program and discussed this with them. This turned into beautiful late night conversations. The other volunteer I was discussing this with shared his own concerns about being gay, and how ministry and others may react to that. It seemed that he had support from those he would be living with, and little instances of apprehension and slightly concerning reactions. My heart went out to him, as we are two people who identify as LGBT and will face these issues for something that will not affect our drive and ability to serve. All of the apprehensions and walking on eggshells about being secretive about our sexual orientation (if it comes up somehow) came back to us back to when we came out for the first time, in less welcome communities and before we had the support of our friends or family once we did. It was something we had forgotten (for a fleeting moment) we had to do, and something we were frustrated that was still may have to do. 

As LGBT community members, people may doubt or be suspicious of our intentions and effectiveness to teach or serve people. To some that sounds preposterous and it is but that is the belief of some. In my own experience, those who are suspicious of our intentions do not know the LGBT community, nor are they usually willing to take the time to speak with us and learn. Someone’s sexual orientation by no means determines their ability to serve in the Lasallian mission or serve their communities. The other volunteers who identify as LGBT and I know that our intentions are good and that we are no different than any other straight person trying to serve, but we realized once more that others may not understand that. It is an incredibly dehumanizing realization, but this opinion not something that the LGBT community is unfamiliar with. We let it roll off of our back and push on with determination to change their minds, but much like waves hitting a rock it slowly but surely wears us down. 

We are human beings, standing and vowing to serve our communities and sites to the best of our abilities and we should be treated as such. 

We have people in our corner if someone questions our ability to serve due to our sexual orientation, thankfully. We have received a lot of support from our organizations, and I and my cohort are very thankful for that. I can’t help but wonder if people who may have issues with this, and still want us to continue our service realize that: notions such as this, thins the relationship they must maintain with those they want to serve in their institutions. It would be a shame to see complications from outside forces interfere and make other volunteers uncomfortable because they have not caught up with the times. As I mentioned before, the brothers who did the community session, shined a light on the inclusive environment and community that we vow to provide and embody as volunteers of this organization and Lasallians. 

As a volunteer embodying Lasallian values, I will reach out. 

I will and intend to reach out and show the local LGBT community what we embody by being an ally, in the name and values of our founder and as individuals. 

I will not show doubt in their intentions to live their lives in peace and do good in this world. 

I will not dehumanize them by treating them differently than anyone else. 

I will understand that there are issues they will go through that others will not and will not fully understand, and that includes myself. 

I will give them a chance to be all that they can be, be by their side as we grow together and treat them with dignity. 

I will pick up the slack of those who are supposed to be examples of how to conduct themselves, and treat others right in the name of the values that I embody and what is greater than me. 

Because that is what every person deserves. 

[itsalasallianlifeforme]

2017 Kitson Institute Chronicles: Volume II.

During one of our sessions we had discussed our fears, and excitement about where we would be serving. One thing that very much struck me, was that another volunteer had mentioned the reaction that someone (friend, family member, stranger etc) had when they informed them about the location of their service site. I had the same experience with a few people. It ranged from concern for being in a dangerous neighborhood, or an “oh” with a wow-they-sent-you- to- a- boring- place. 

I will be serving in Chicago, more specifically The Back Yards. This is not a safe area, but that is where I am needed and I am very much ready to relocate there and carry out my service. It is much like where my college (La Salle University) so I can handle myself, but the location does not scare me. People are generally even more confused and shocked when I follow up the acknowledgement of my site location with that fact, and ask me why I want to go there. Such a reaction (while I am sure good-intentioned) incredibly ignorant. Just like anywhere else in the country there is crime, and poverty. However, that location still has people who have built lives there, and it is still a community rich with culture and beautiful things; despite how different it may be from someone else’s and undesirable it seems to be to some. 

It bothered me that someone would have such a thoughtless reaction to the news of the location of someone’s service site for many reasons but here are the four biggest ones: 

1. This person is there to do service work, when is the last time you dedicated your time to do service?

2. Since my guess is that the people who are saying this have not committed to much service (if any) where does that give you the grounds to comment on that persons service? Hint, hint...if you haven’t then you have none. 

3. This is their journey, and their story, not yours. No backseat driving. 

4. You are not volunteering to serve, and unless you are willing to take their place to do so- see yourself elsewhere (for my non-UK readers, that is the British f-you).

We later discussed this in a bigger group and I realized that if myself and the other people in my group have experienced this then others within the cohort must have as well. I did not want them to walk out of the room feeling the same conscious or subconscious feeling that the compass they were holding on their journey should be held by anyone but themselves. Putting my hand up, I expressed encouragement in a calm manner despite the annoyance that was bubbling its way through my blood. 

Opinions about your placement from others are absolutely irrelevant. Your opinion and your communities opinion (whether it is those you are living in community with or who are residents there) are the only ones that matter, because they are taking this journey with you. 

Later in that session, the Christian brothers that were leading it offered some very encouraging advice and that was: to seek out the communities that you belong to. They encouraged us to reach out to what we identify with whether it is a community of their own faith, communities of color, LGBT communities, whatever. They recognized that if you identify as one of the “other” that being in an all “something else” community can be suffocating and not healthy. They also reminded us that the brothers and community members that we are living with are interested in our lives and growth and to invite them as well if we feel comfortable. It was very nice to hear this from them. I hope that if I do invite the brothers and community members to an LGBT group that I intend to seek out once I am in Chicago, that they will join me if they would like to learn and meet new people that are different from them. 

Stay tuned for more Kitson Institute Chronicles. 

[itsalasallianlifeforme]

2017 Kitson Institute Chronicles: Volume I.

About 11 days ago I took my first step into my new journey, during training at the Kitson Institute. We spent the first day unpacking, getting to know each other and the other fine people that decided to dedicate themselves to our volunteer program for the next year or more. I had expected my time here to be filled with nothing but sessions that taught me how to convey the lessons of the Lasallian mission, how to manage class rooms and what to do if you found yourself in a pickle with your community members; and we did discuss those things but it was so much more than that. 

I learned a great number of things but I will convey them through a series of reflections, thoughts and takeaways that I gathered throughout this wonderful week and change. 

Early on in the week we had a day where we did workshops that immersed us in the reason as to why we were even there: the Lasallian mission. I learned about Brother Charles Kitson, his life and what he embodied as a brother and as a person. One thing that really struck me was a quote that was used in the presentation we took part in. It was a vital message as to what we need to do as volunteers. We are working with people who all have different situations but many if not all are socioeconomically disadvantaged and marginalized in some way and after reflecting on a quote (the exact quote escapes me at the moment) we all interpreted that this piece of advice told us: 

We must give a face to the poor, without seeing those we serve as a person and not just something we know exists we cannot serve them to the best of our ability. We cannot know how to serve them if you do not know them, and what they need. 

It all boils down to dignity, and giving it to everyone no matter who they are, where they come from and what they are going through. Let them know that you care with the hope that it will counteract (even if it’s just a little bit) the crippling feeling of being shown that other people do not.

You cannot serve someone if you don’t get to know them and their struggles. This is the core of Lasallian service in action. Being Lasallian is just as much (if not more) action than it is the words you convey to people. People will remember what you do a hell of a lot more than what you say. 

During a later session, we were talking about education and John Baptist De La Salle and how his dedication to servicing the poor was not in fashion for the times. Thankfully that seems like less of a case for today’s age. However the instructor Chris said something that I completely agree with, and have mentioned this in my previous blog: You cannot work in education or be part of this volunteer program and not “get” political or see what you are doing as a non political issue. Legislation, money and other factors are the reason that we are there doing what we are doing and serving the groups of people that we are serving. Once it becomes about the well being of another person and society it becomes political. Why? Because the issues that the people we serve are facing cannot be fixed without political action (whether it is through legislation, programs/initiatives or money). During lunch my table and I had a conversation about the current state of education and political climate, with a Christian brother who was leading one of the sessions later in the day. It was a very good and healthy conversation, however when we got onto the topic of our current administration my heart broke into a million pieces. It was disheartening to say the least as we discussed how the choices of this administration truly effect our role and the work that we are doing. We aim (as Lasallians) to work with marginalized groups and under the current and future policies, the need will only increase to counteract the damage that will be done. The fear and disappointment on the face of a brother who has dedicated so much of his life to the Lasallian mission/values, and serving the people that will be harmed by current and future policies hit my heart like a sledge hammer. I believe that under this administration, our job is only going to become more difficult but we are ready to work and make up for it...otherwise, we wouldn’t be here. It certainly wasn’t where I was expecting lunch to go, however it ended on a happy note as he walked away from the table and claimed “It’s been real guys.” 

After this session I added the information and thoughts that I had come up with to my bank of Lasallian knowledge and perspectives. I understood what it meant to be Lasallian a little more- which is something I will probably continue to say for the rest of my life. When we were asked what makes a Lasallian I came to the realization that it comes from within. My inclinations and approach is unconsciously Lasallian to begin with. It’s not a matter of conducting myself with the 5 core Christian Brothers/Lasallian principles. It’s just what you feel the need to do. Putting these things into words (when asked during the session) as a lot more difficult than I had anticipated due to the fact that my inclinations are innate. However, this is a predicament I am happy to have, as these are the best kind of innate force that I can imagine having. 

Stay tuned for more Kitson Institute Chronicles.