I don't know what to title this post. I feel like I'm going through a little depression while I'm trying to parent my brother. When I look at him I remember those days when I had no worries... or at least I thought I didn't. Although adult worries didn't exist, I had other worries. I was a foster youth, I was abandon, I was parentless, I didn't live with my parents so I had to act like I wasn't dying inside every time I was around friends at school and or cousins who had a "perfect life". Now at 23 I still feel like I battle with those things that I've tried so hard to bury. Why is it so hard for me to swallow. Life dealt me a weak hand of cards and I have to put in the extra work to try and feel normal. But I don't even know what normal is. I don't even know what love feels like. I don't even know how to love. How am I suppose to truly exult something when Ive never experienced it. I truly feel like I was the one kid no one cared about. Out of all four of my brothers no one really cared where I ended up. I was the only one bouncing from home to home, each time loosing a piece of my soul. Numbing all the emotions I had, until this very day its hard for me to shed a tear. molestation taking place within my innocent body. having me question myself, Question my worth. But who did I have to go to. No one caring about my being. My brother James had been with my dad's mom since he was 7 months that all he knew, My brotherJosh now 27 Has been with my Mom side of the family since he was born as well(indeed he did share sometime in foster care with me, but it wasn't long) so he has that family filling. My youngest brother Elijah has been with his dad most of his life in a stable life until recently when he moved in with me. However I give him all that I once yearned for. Then there is I, bouncing back and forth from both families at a young age, not understanding why, having confusion be the ruler of my life. Then going into foster care, I remember falling asleep in a cubical at the DCFS office as my social worker searched vigorously for strangers. foster parents, for me to live with. I who was bounced around and around and around, smiling hoping someone would see this little boy only wanted love and a family. I looked up and was 17 and my grandma who I was living with at the time kicked me out and I came to a whole new city. At that age I had to develop some kind of intrinsic motivation. I had to be better than what I was dealt with, not even giving all the details. Now at this very age when I see family who had everything I needed, how am i genuinely suppose to be happy for them. How can I, when inside I am envious. Can anyone see that I was hurting. simply all I wanted was a family, a loving, supportive, caring family. Those who care if I actually ate at night. Those who cared if I did my homework, Who cared if I had clean clothes to wear, who cared if I had a haircut, who cared of the things that interest me in school like sports, or activities, or any of that. Who actually came to a game of mine. Who actually wanted to see me go to college. How am I suppose to truly give this to my brother that I am parenting when I never had it. Then I found God and Jesus, and I thought life was going to get better.....but i found myself in a legalistic mind set, feeling like I was superior of all the other religious people because of the information I had. soon, I felt like I was in bondage. I had to follow this lifestyle of a christian in whom I felt wasn't me. I couldn't be myself. I actually was still finding myself. I didn't view myself as everyone else in whom I came in contact with as a christian did. I wasn't true to me. This my friends is just a little snippet of my story. All of this makes me feel today like I'm empty. I have accomplished so much, in which you will read about soon, but yet I feel so empty. Is it because I always was empty since I came in this world with no family ?
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