Iāve never hated something I loved so dearly. Like how is that even possible? Iāve hated you for a long time but I loved you way too much to leave you. Itās crazy the way the world works. You think you have a plan when really you donāt. You think youāre fine, but really youāre not. I thought I could walk away, but really I canāt. If you asked me to show you a picture of my heart, it could easily be this picture: the most beautiful boy peacefully sleeping in my tiny cramped bed that he hates. The sun is hitting his brown skin just right, wearing a shirt from my favorite childhood place, now one of his favorite places. A best friend that has rode the waves of life with you and never let go you. A lover that grew up with you. Me: in the background marveling at this creature, wanting to touch him,hold him, smell him, taste him and feel him from the inside. But at the same time, if you asked me what my breaking heart looks like, it could easily be this picture as well: Rejection; the most beautiful boy sleeping peacefully beside me, smelling so sweet, making my body feel things it doesnāt feel around anyone else; totally off limits and not mine. What once was a love so strong is now more of a punishment, a daily reminder of what once was. Love feels so far away I cry for it everyday to come back but itās like it doesnāt hear me, it doesnāt feel me yearning for what we had. Iām to take what Iām given, and what Iām given isnāt much, a kiss made to feel like it was a chore to give to me, a lifeless limp hug that you restrict your body from touching me, a pat on the shoulder when Iām crying and canāt explain why. Itās like having a dry mouth and trying to sooth it with one drop of water. Me: in the background: tears streaming down my face as I watch you sleep, unaware of the heart thatās breaking beside you. I had all the plans in the world to pick up my life and move it away from yours. To separate ourselves with hope that time will mend wounds and allow love to grow again. A move I was making for myself, to have the opportunity to grow into me without you; my own person. A break from feeling like Iāll never be good enough to love- Iāll never behave well enough, Iām not the optimal size, or Iām not beautiful, and greatest of all Iām not a man. A break that would hopefully calm all the turmoil my mind puts me through everyday. Itās not your responsibility to make me feel loved and wanted, Iām not yours and youāre not mine. Somehow I canāt suppress my feelings for you quite like you can. From the outside looking in itās like your love for me is hanging by a thread, dangling there for me to pull it an break it free. They say if you love something you gotta let it go.
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