Down 3-1 in the 3rd period, a power play goal gave them hope. Then with less than a minute to go they tied the game. Then in OT Nathan MacKinnon did Nathan MacKinnon things. First Avs/Wings game in the new shitty pizza joint and it’s THAT game. Not only that, but a 2nd of a back-to-back road trip after a frustrating loss.
The Avs may or may not make the playoffs this year...
...but I'll be damned if they won't be a bitch of a team throughout the 2020s. Fuck me, most of these guys are still college aged. And they’re having THESE games.
And they STILL have yet to even draft a single extra pick from The Duchene Trade.
Matt Duchene doesn’t care...about your trade-talk theories
BUT BUT BUT THE CHEMISTRY ISSUES! MATT DUCHENE IS DAMAGED GOODS AND SHOULD HAVE BEEN TRADED FOR THE NY ISLANDERS’ SCRAPS! HE IS A BASKET CASE AND DOES NOT GIVE ANY FUCKS! HE IS A DISGRUNTLED HOCKEY PLAYER! THE AVS SHOULD GO 0-82-0 THEY ARE SO BAD!!!
Press F for respects, hockey dimwit.
Oh, and Varlamov for the Vezina...the trophy he should have won in 2014. As long as his new bionic dick holds up, the Avs are back in business.
We have replaced the Colorado Avalanche with the Pittsburgh Penguins...and vice versa. Let’s see if anyone notices.
Happy 20th anniversary to a legend of a video game
The First Person Shooter video game. It was quite successful among computer gamers, with an already legendary list of games for the PC by 1997. However, the genre wasn’t quite as much as a blockbuster for consoles. The ports to SNES, Genesis and etc. didn’t really catch on too well, nor were they all that well executed.
Enter GoldenEye for the Nintendo 64.
The megaton zillion dollar successes of Call of Duty, Halo, and the like (not to mention the entire eSports scene) all owe themselves to this game. Multiplayer mode changed life as we knew it, and it became a staple from parties at the dorm rooms and frat houses to Christmas at grandmas house. There does not exist a better party game.
Say the name “Goldeneye” and I defy you to find a person that instantly thinks of the movie rather than the game.
Oh, and one of the greatest soundtracks ever. Only Super Mario Bros’ Level 1-1 and Sonic The Hedgehog’s Green Hill Zone tops the Dam level as best “first level” game music track. This track told you of how classic this game was about to be.
Happy retirement to Brian Campbell, owner of the GOAT post-Lockout Era hit
Veteran defenseman (sorry, Canadians...defenCeman) Brian Campbell retired today at the age of 38. He had a pretty decent career, involving several all-star game appearances and a Stanley Cup (w/CHI in 2010), but he will most likely be known for his game-stopping hit of RJ Umberger in a playoff game in overtime.
It is still the GOAT of all post-Lockout Era hits, and will quite likely remain as such, with the NHL trying to distance itself from massive checks (especially those involving headshots). Today this would be no less than 10 minutes in penalties and cost a few games...despite it being a completely clean and legal hit.
The Colorado Avalanche have finally stopped sucking (or at least in the looks department)
It all started in 2007. Reebok and their stupid EDGE anti-sweaters. The Avs were given silly apron-strings and only won ONE playoff series since.
Finally, those shitty jerseys of that shitty era are gone. With Adidas coming aboard in 2017 Colorado gets to undo that mistake from 10 years ago and decided to go back to the mountain stripes that did this. And again.
But with a twist. Gone are the high-contrast black and white piping and instead gone gray silver. It’s a much cleaner look that actually has been seen before, if you owned a Nintendo 64. And NHL 99.
Also it appears the funky number font has been cleaned up and rounded off a bit, similar to the Stadium Series jerseys and 3rd jerseys. I say not bad.
It looks as though the NHL Adidas Jersey reveal tonight gave us a surprise: the Avs are actually good at something hockey-related again, even if it is merely aesthetic.
Thank you for getting us through the worst season in Colorado Avalanche history. Thank you for being the lone bright spot in an otherwise dark, damp, dreary dungeon of a purgatory of a hockey season. Thank you for your red hair in an otherwise blackened year. Thank you for not fully knowing what dabbing is. Thank you for not following Detroit’s rules. Thank you for being the Good Don Cherry. Thank you for not being Patrick Roy. Thank you for being our favorite Christmas present this past year. Thank you for being at least our 2nd best goalie.
Thank you for being the complete opposite of what was the worst season in Colorado Avalanche history.
Your 2017 Stanley Cup Playoffs 1st round preview (hey, I wrote a thing!)
Woah, I remembered my tumblr password! I can haz blog powarz again.
Anyways, it’s that time of year again in which sweaty, bearded men slam into each other over a cup. A cup, I should add, they are allowed to keep for a day and fuck in the same room as it. Allegedly. Or shit in it. Or piss in it. Or...
Back on topic proper, it’s the fuckin Stanley Cup Playoffs. Ice Hockey at its gnarliest form: blood, lost teeth, lost jaws, players skating with lacerated kidneys, spleens, and other “upper/lower body injuries”. Actually, it’s not much different than the regular season, except now they’re doing so sometimes at 2am. Because none of us can ever get a good nights sleep before work tomorrow.
The first round begins next eve, and here is my preview of the upcoming 1st round.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
NY Rangers vs. Montreal Canadiens
Holy shit, a Canadian team! Holy shit, there’s a bunch of them! Not one single team from America’s attic made the playoffs last year. Yea, not one. It’s their own damn sport and they sucked at it. This year all but Vancouver (lulz) and Winnipeg (they have a team?!?) made it in, and the one with the best chance is Montreal.
Granted, they are just a few months removed from one of the dumber trades in recent memory, but they still have goaltending like a motherfucker. Also, they dumped their coach and got a serious upgrade.
...but they gotta deal with this guy:
Fortunately, that’s all they got to worry about. Yea, first team to two goals wins each game.
WINNER: Le Hockque Team de French Canadia in 6
Boston Bruins vs. Ottawa Senators
That coaching upgrade Montreal got? He came from Boston, whom fired him because OURAH TEAM WAS NAWT GRIHTTY ENAUGH! Or something.
Also, speaking of Montreal, hey another Canadian team! I know very little about The Sens, except they once had a goalie named the Hamburglar, they threw burgers onto the ice, and a player once ate said hamburgers.
Whatever, fuck Boston. All their sports teams win even though nobody there really cares, because hey it’s FACKIN BASEBAWL SEASAHN! FACKIN SAWK NATION WILL RISE AGAHAIN! FACKIN PEDROIAH FORAH MVP! WE AREAH THE GRIHTTIEST, GREATEST CITY IN THA FACKIN WOHRLD! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
WINNER: Boston Ice Pedroias in 5
Columbus Blue Jackets vs. Pittsburgh Penguins
You REALLY expect me to pick a Torts-coached team over the defending champs?
WINNER: Torts meltdown in 5
Toronto Maple Leafs vs. Washington Capitals
Two franchises known for hilarious April failures. Somebody has to not choke this one. Guaranteed the series-winning score will be an own-goal off somebody’s ass.
Meh, the Caps usually fail in the 2nd round anymore, so their derpitude shall wait another day. Auston Matthews shall soon witness first hand why the LEAVES are cupless for about 126 years or so...
WINNER: Ovi’s Russian hackers photoshopping Matthews’ mom nude in 4
WESTERN CONFERENCE
San Jose Sharks vs. Edmonton Oilers
Seeing the Sharks go all the way to the Finals last year was no acid trip. Then again, just about every other player sported a Jerry Garcia-esque beard. Maybe drugs ARE the answer.
This series really is a bunch of old baby boomers (San Jose) vs. them dang millennials (Edmonton). Old people blaming their loss on millennials will for once be justified.
WINNER: Connor McMillennial stealing Joe Thornton’s pension checks in 6
St. Louis Blues vs. Minnesota Wild
Like Leafs/Capitals, this features two franchises that often fuck up when the calendar turns to April. To circumvent this, last year St. Louis bought calendars only going to March. The result was their first trip to the Conference Finals in ages. I doubt it works twice.
Meanwhile, Minnesota still has this banner up.
Oh, did I mention St. Louis hired former Wild coach Mike Yeo? Yep, Mikey gets to have a chance at revenge. Perhaps Zach Parise will no longer kill his coaches, now that one became a zombie.
Fuck both of these teams.
WINNER: ...loses in the second round
Calgary Flames vs. Anaheim Ducks
These are two professional ice hockey teams in the National Hockey League. Both teams qualified for the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Both play each other in the Western Conference.
Yes, it’s been a while since I’ve last posted. When all your teams are bottom dwellers (and your favorite racing driver is exiled, racing thousands of miles away for quite possibly forever) there is a bit of a dearth of inspiration most nights.
Tonight was not one of those nights.
J.T. Compher scored his first career goal in the NHL for the Colorado Avalanche, in just his 8th career game. He does so wearing #37. Against the Red Wings. In the 3rd period. Did I mention it ended up being the game winner?
There are no “finer things in life” (aka: sports) for me to enjoy nowadays. Oh fuck. The Chicago Bears. Simona de Silvestro. Auto racing. You name it. They all suck, are sucking, about to suck, exiled into suckage purgatory, or whatever medium of sucking you can dream up. I guess that’s 2016 for ya.
But the only smidgen of hope I had was the Colorado Avalanche. Despite a bitch of an early schedule they started kinda not bad. There was some glimmer of hope, even. But alas, like most things in 2016 it fell the fuck apart. The Avs have not won a game since November 19th...
Until last night. They stopped the long losing streak and defeated the Boston Bruins 4-2.
During the broadcast this little phrase was uttered...
Despite this hilariously bad example of sports broadcasting it is somewhat of a lesson for this shitty 2016 we all are having. Indeed this year has been one dick of a zodiac, but sometimes it lets you enjoy the smaller bright things all the more.
Never have I loved hearing a guy pine over a dong like this.
Mikko Rantanen’s 1st career NHL goal, and the Jets do Jets things
FINALLY. The kid gets his 1st. Hopefully, and what it looks like, the 1st of many yet to come. I like how his first career goal eerily resembles Joe Sakic’s 2001 Finals Game 7 power play goal. Pretty much the same shot in the same spot. All that was missing was both Scott Stevens and Marty Brodeur in front of him going HUURRR DURRRR WUT HAPPIN.
Every Colorado Avalanche game this year will look familiar to Nintendo 64 fans
If Game 1 of the Avalanche’s 2016-2017 campaign was any indication, their season is going to be more lit than the day weed became legit business in Colorado. Goals, no defense, no goaltending, more goals, MORE NO DEFENSE.
More like Mile Contact High Hockey, amirite guys?
[ironically gets stoned by actual stone]
Tonight FOUR goals were scored in the 1st period. FIVE in the 2nd. There was a hat trick by...Joe Colbourne? More like Joe GOALbourne, amirite...or how bout JOE GOAL HORN [gets hit by pun sniper]. This is indeed an emulation of Wayne Gretzky’s 3D Hockey. All that was missing was the fire truck rolling above Antti Niemi’s head and the net ablaze.
The Avs won 6-5 and are on pace to win all 82 games and Joe Colbourne is on pace for 246 goals. Take that, Auston Matthews! Yep, he didn’t score for the Leafs and they won tonight against Boston. USELESS STAT-PADDER CONFIRMED.
But the only thing more lit than the game itself or the Dallas net was Altitude TV’s new reporter...drumroll please...
Lauren Gardner. Oh my.
Good God almighty.
If your last name is Gardner, you are a dime, apparently...
The NHL season is just two nights old, and already in midseason WWE RAW form
The night before it was rookies scoring 4 goals, now it’s dudes giving Geno Malkin RKOs from outta nowhere. Wait, let me try that again...an RKO...FROM OUTTA NOWHERE!!!
Hockey is owning at an unprecedented rate. Pace yourselves, NHL.
Anyways, this is a good excuse to replace Eddie Olczyk (and damn Pierre McGuire) with, of course, good ole Jim Ross.
