You literally just said, “Just because we made out and went on dates,” so, yeah, that’s how I’m going to assume you saw us. I know that love is a hard concept for you to grasp, but rejection shouldn’t be. Did I try to fix things after everything went down? No. Does that mean I was lying when I said I loved you? No. I didn’t hate you. I could never hate you—I was confused, upset, and angry all at the same time. I don’t want you to tell me what I want to hear, Quinn. I want to hear the truth and I want to hear what you actually feel and think. Would things really have been different if you wouldn’t have misunderstood, though? For some reason, I feel like you’d still push me away one way or the other. And that’s fine, I guess. Whatever makes you comfortable. I was happy with you, too, but that’s all gone to shit. We don’t have to argue every single time we speak. It’s good that we’re getting all of this out now, I suppose. Maybe we can finally clear the air.Â
Obviously our relationship had other parts to it too, like the caring and the love and the trust, but that can come from friendship too is what I'm trying to say. Carter, I've dealt with rejection my whole life. Fuck, I wasn't even sure I should date you exactly because of that. I knew we'd just fight and break up eventually, and if I didn't then my mom sure as hell told me enough, but still, a part of me thought we might make it work. I don't know if things would've ended differently, but at least they wouldn't have ended this messily. I wish it hadn't gone to shit, honestly. I miss being able to call you whenever I see a funny license plate or bumper sticker, or turning to you first whenever I hear good news. Could we at least try and do that? Act like normal people and share good news whenever we get it? I was telling the truth when I said I'm sorry, for what it's worth, I hope you know that much.Â
For me, being with you was way more than just making out and going on dates, but whatever. Because, you know, I did things to show you how much I cared, not because kissing is what people typically do when they’re romantically involved. Thank you for making it even more clear to me that that’s all you thought of our relationship. I’m glad that I was right in assuming the emotional aspect had been one-sided the entire time. I never wanted to ignore the fact that I’ve been there for you—that you’ve been there for me, but maybe I have to. I can’t look at you and think of you as being my dorky best friend anymore, Quinn. That’s what’s practically impossible for me. Why would I have called you? Christ, do you not realize the impact your words and actions had on me? If you told someone you loved them and they told you to leave, would you honestly try to contact them a couple of days later? If you had any remorse whatsoever for what happened, you would’ve been the one to call me to patch things up. You could have tried talking to me and, oh, I don’t know, apologizing? And I would have listened. I would’ve heard you out. Besides, this is between me and you. I don’t need Chris to act as a messenger. I’m doing a lot better, actually. I decided spending a majority of my time sulking in my room wasn’t worth it. I’ll admit that I’m still upset about us, though. I’m still trying to move past it. I think you should, too. We both deserve to be happy. I’m sorry to hear that you were a wreck afterwards. I just—I don’t know, I guess I just wish things would have gone differently. I wish things wouldn’t have ended so terribly because now things are tense and uncomfortable and—and unresolved.
Carter, fuck, you think that's all our relationship was to me? If that's how you think I saw us then you clearly didn't pay attention at all. If you can't see me the same way at all anymore, then I guess our friendship wasn't as strong as I thought it was to begin with. If you really loved me then I think you should have at least tried. I still didn't know until a few weeks later what had actually happened and by then it seemed like you hated me, and you had enough reason to I guess. I'm sorry, alright? Is that what you want to hear? I'm sorry I misunderstood and I'm sorry we can't patch things up. I've told you before that I wish I hadn't fucked things up between us, but I did and I can't take that back. Well, I was happy with you, but I guess we're moving past it. I'm glad you're doing better, though, I guess I am too. Yeah, I wish I could change how things ended, but that's not going to happen. If things are so tense and unresolved and stuff, maybe we just shouldn't talk anymore. I don't want to fight or have things be tense everytime we speak.
I consider you to be someone I’m close to. Like you said, we can’t erase history and we just so happen to have quite a bit of that. Our friendship was a scary thing to risk, I agree. I don’t regret it, though. We could have either continued to sit around and acted like what we felt wasn’t there or we could’ve taken action and tried dating each other. And, for us, dating didn’t work out. That’s okay, I guess. I mean, it does suck that things between us aren’t exactly ideal right now, but it is what it is and we have to live with that. I took you throwing me out as a breakup, and when we talked again at that bonfire thing you didn’t correct me. We never officially said the words, but, uh, it happened. Actions must really speak louder than words, huh? How could this not be shitty for me? Ask Chris how much this has totally fucking tore me apart and then maybe you’ll understand it was as just as hard for me as it was for you.Â
So what are you saying? Are we just going to stop being friends entirely? If that's the case then I regret us dating a lot, actually. Crushes are easy to get over, more than four years of friendship is practically impossible. You've been there for me through two divorces, new siblings, and fighting parents, and you want to ignore that completely just because we made out and went on dates? I was acting irrational, and I'll be the first to admit it, but had you given me some time to cool down I'm sure we could have figured it out. You could've called a couple of days later or asked Chris to talk to me about it. I didn't mean that things were never shitty for you. It's just that you just seem a lot better now, which is great, I want you to be happy, you know. [She takes her lower lip between her teeth for a moment] You know, Chris did talk to me about you actually, and I talked to him about how I felt. I was a wreck and he knows it too.
Well, you didn’t use past-tense so that was sort of throwing me off. You know I didn’t mean it like that. You’re definitely not anything. In fact, you’re a lot of things, but what’s not included on that long list of things is my something, you know? Are we even friends, though? I haven’t talked to you in months. It’d be too uncomfortable to try and hangout like old times, and I think you know that, too. It’s complicated, I don’t know.
Yeah, yeah, I guess that's kind of my bad. Well I still consider you one of my best friends. I think that even though I screwed up what we have - er - had, ours years of friendship shouldn't go away. That's exactly what I was afraid of with this whole...thing. You're right, it is complicated. Did we ever even officially break up? I just remember us fighting and then we didn't really talk and I think you were saying that we had broken up, or maybe I did. I don't know anymore, this whole thing is just kind of shitty for me and I guess I thought it was for you too.Â
What are you even going on about? Besides, we’re not seeing each other anymore. You’re not the side nor the main, you’re just not—you’re not anything.Â
No–I just meant, uh, with you and Chris, and, uh, I don't know. It – it was a joke.
I don't think I'm not anything, though. We're exes or whatever, that's definitely something. I still consider you one of my best friends. That's something too. Or am I wrong?
He was just like- [she lowers her voice dramatically, waving her fists around] Oh no, you can’t go provoking people and then getting yourself slapped! Rah rah, I’m Christopher Woods! It was so annoying.
What's that saying? Something about people that dance looking insane to the people that can't hear the music? I think that's what's going on here right now.
Disgusted definitely isn't the right word but neither is proud. Kind of like a parent after their kid tells them they got away with cheating on a big test or something.
Do you want me to look stupid? Honestly, I think I’d rather lose them than do any of those things. I had a teacher once who would write their name at the top of the pencil in permanent marker, but kids would still take them.
Quinn was concentrated entirely on the game they were playing. She couldn't force herself to remember why she was there in the first place, or that she was the reason Chris had gotten hurt by Carter. None of that mattered in this moment, all that mattered was that she'd destroy Chris in video games.
Chris hadn't played video games in what seemed like forever. Ever since he had fought with Carter, there was no one he wanted to call over to play with. However, with Quinn sitting beside him in a heated game of Call of Duty, Chris had completely lost track of thought in regards of his British best friend. "You're going down, Quinnie! No one beats Christopher Woods!" He shouted excitedly as he furiously tapped the buttons on his controller.
Quinn laughed. "No way, buddy. You see this? This is a grenade and with one click of a button you're going down," she said, still laughing. She waited to see his reaction but stopped, "Or, we can make this a little fun. You've got five seconds to run."
Chris raised his brows, surprised by her sudden tactic. "Oh, fuck." He muttered, hurriedly quickening his player's pace to get away from Quinn. There was no way he'd be able to get through, but it was worth a shot. "You'll never catch me alive, Pearson!" He said in a final attempt to win the game that he was about to lose.
Quinn tried to remain serious as she watched Chris try to run away in a desperate last resort. "Five," She started counting, still watching his character run. "Four, three," she said, preparing to run after his character while switching her weapon. "Two, one," she said through giggles, although still trying to remain serious. "Time to die, motherfucker," she practically screamed making her character run after him, shooting all the while.
Chris couldn't figure out a way to escape his character's inevitable death. "No!" He shouted, as he furiously tapped against the buttons on his controller. "No! No! No!" There weren't any more fancy tricks up his sleeve and before he knew it, the words 'GAME OVER' flashed on the screen. His controller slipped through his hand, a look of disappointment washing over his face. "I can't believe I just lost. Oh. My. God." He said, his voice barely above a whisper.
Quinn laughed at Chris. The boy was obviously distraught and rightfully so. This was the third time she'd beaten him that night alone. "Sorry, Woods, you're going to have to practice a lot if you want to be as good as me."
Chris rolled his eyes, sighing deeply out of frustration. Every time he played video games, he was the winner, except for tonight. Tonight, Quinn managed to beat him back to back without showing a single glimpse of mercy. It was embarrassing, but he had to admit that the girl had talent. "Yeah, yeah, whatever. I was just being nice," he lied, crossing his arms against his chest like a stubborn child. "Besides, if this was FIFA or 2k14, I'd kick your ass. Those are my specialties, y'know."
Quinn listened to his words, rolling her own eyes too. It seemed like any guy she'd beat got defensive easily. "Yeah, that's what Carter says," she said. These days whenever she talked about Carter she felt a pain in her chest, but just then it seemed to have lessened. Maybe it was because she was with a guy who knew what Quinn was going through. "Tell you what, if you get me some food I'll put in FIFA or 2k14 and I will beat your ass."
Chris absolutely despised losing. The boy was naturally competitive - in sports, in video games, and in general competition. He always had to be number one. Hearing Carter's name leave Quinn's mouth so effortlessly made his brows raise in surprise. "Yeah, well, Carter actually sucks at video games. I beat him all the time." He chuckled lightly before rising from his seat and making his way towards the fridge to grab the cupcakes he had secretly baked the other day. "Put 2k14, yeah? That's my favorite." With the plate of cupcakes in hand, the boy made his way back to the couch. Although he wanted to continue playing video games with Quinn, he also wanted to figure out a way to talk to her about the break-up and hopefully, help patch things up.
Quinn stood up quickly and grabbed the game, putting it into the the consol. The discomfort of mentioning Carter had finally caught up to her, and she could feel herself start to lose it again. Quinn rarely cried, in fact before their fight she hadn't cried in months, but the events of that night had lead her to cry frequently. "Yeah, he kind of does, but he always just tells me it's because I'm cute and it's distracting. I don't think he uses that same excuse for you, does he?" she added, feigning a laugh but even she could admit it sounded fake and forced. "Cupcakes?" She said, the confusion in her voice was in apparent. "They look great, where'd you get them?" she spoke, hoping to change the topic.
Chris gazed at her from the corner of his eye, observing the way she mentioned Carter, along with the accompanied, forceful laughter. He was never good at admitting his own feelings or expressing emotions properly, but Chris had an uncanny ability to pick up on someone else's without them saying anything. "Oh, uh, no. He never told me I'm cute and distracting. I'm kind of offended, even though I'm too manly to be cute." Chris said, flashing her a small smile. His eyes dropped to the cupcakes as he racked his brain for a way to bring up the much more serious topic. How could he make her speak about what she truly felt without scaring her off? Her voice broke his train of thought as he glanced back at her, the smile on his lips growing. "Do they? Oh, uh, thanks. The, uh, cafeteria lady. She hooked me up, but uh, I'm pretty health conscious, so I can't have them. Go ahead, have one. Tell me how it tastes, yeah?"
Quinn laughed, a genuine laugh this time, "Hah, well what excuse does he use then?" Quinn took one of the cupcakes and peeled the wrapper off, feeling slightly awkward since Chris wasn't eating. "Boo! Screw that, just eat a cupcake, dumbass," she finally said, after taking a bite of the cupcake. It was delicious, she had to admit, although the school lunch lady had never really been known for delicious sweets. She examined the blond boy closely. There was obviously something on his mind, but Quinn was never one to try to force something out of someone, and the incident with carter had only helped reinforce that.
 Chris shrugged. "He tells me I'm an idiot and that he's convinced I cheated or something. It takes more than three games to prove that I'm not cheating." Talking about Carter as if they were still closer than ever brought a frown to his features. He missed hanging out with his best friend. "I can't! I'm on a strict basketball diet! I can't eat one. No matter how creamy, or delicious, or exquisite the cupcakes might be." For someone who spent so much time making desserts, Chris hardly ever touched any of them. There was a brief moment of silence before he opened his mouth again to ask, "Hey, uh, Q? Speaking of, uh, Carter…" he trailed off awkwardly for a few seconds, running a hand through his hair, "Have you, uh…spoken to him…ever since…y'know?"
Quinn grinned. "That's so like him." Quinn took a deep breath. It wasn't like her to get emotional, especially about romantic relationships, and she knew why it was that she was getting so emotional, not only was he her best friend but also her first love. She didn't know why she thought playing video games with his other best friend would help ease the pain she felt for screwing things up with Carter. "Come on! Fuck the diet for just one night," she practically whined. She took another bite before turning to look Chris in the eyes. She had sat down on the floor and was leaning against the couch. "Um, well, we did but it didn't end very well either. I think he just wants me to be this really emotional loving person, and that's not really me."
Chris nodded in agreement. It was always hard to play video games against Carter only because of the unnecessary arguments that would follow after it. To be fair, though, Chris would sometimes give him the more problematic controller in order to keep his winning streak. Thankfully, Carter hadn't discovered that yet.Unable to resist the delicious treat any longer, he picked up a cupcake from the tray and took a bite. "I hope you're happy, Quinnie. I'm compromising my diet for you." He shook his head, feigning disappoint in himself as he continued to much on the snack. Chris watched her sink to the ground and he took a hesitant step forward, easing himself down next to her. Dealing with emotions and speaking openly about them was a difficult things for Christopher to do as well, so he understood where Quinn was coming from. "Honestly, I don't think he wants you to be anyone but yourself," he said, "I think he just wants to know that you care for him as deeply as he cares for you. He wants to know that if he ever fell, you'd be there to catch him because he'd be there for you within a millisecond, y'know?" He paused, raking his free hand through his hair, "He's already fallen so hard for you, Quinn, but you can't look at me and say you haven't fallen for him either."
Quinn looked up from her lap, finally willing herself to look at Chris. She rarely opened up to others so truthfully, but Chris had been nothing but nice and supportive to her. She nodded as he spoke, entirely at a loss for words. Chris had definitely not been her first choice to talk to this all about. She was honestly surprised she had spoken to him about Carter and his relationship and been so honest about it. Romantic feelings weren't exactly her strong suit and expressing them was even harder for her. "Well," she said, pausing only momentarily, "I can't exactly talk to him again. I don't think I can tell him I love him either, even though I think I might. How do come back from something like that? I said he's worse than my dad, Chris."
 Chris remained quiet for a few minutes, momentarily surprised with the advice he had given. Most of the time, he was too busy acting foolish to sit down with someone and speak to them seriously. Only one person ever heard him speak about anything remotely serious and that was Carter. He never imagined that he'd be sitting beside Quinn, trying to help her figure out what to do with her relationship. "I don't know what your dad's like, but if that's such a bad insult, then you definitely need to apologize. That should be first on your list." He paused, sighing deeply. "After that, don't think. Say whatever you truly feel, y'know? Just let it all out. Don't force yourself to say it if you're not 100% sure because that'll be even worse. If you say it just to make him happy, it'll break him in the end."
Quinn nodded taking in what he was saying very carefully. Chris was no master of relationships, but thanks to him, the task she had thought was monstrous seemed to shrink to be increasingly easier. “I don’t like apologizing,” she said after a moment of deliberation. “But whatever, if it’s going to get Carter back, I guess I’ll have to swallow my pride,” she said, looking at Chris before erupting into a short fit of laughter. Quinn pulled her knees to her chest, placing her chin on them, attempting to put into words what she was thinking. “You know what I feel? I feel happy whenever I’m with him. He’s the only thing on my mind when I’m with him, and even when I’m not I can’t help but think of him. I feel helpless and scared and confused. I don’t want to be that person that feels like they need their boyfriend. I’ve never been that person, but why do I feel like I’m becoming that person now?” She said, speaking slowly and carefully.
Chris understood how difficult it must be to compromise one's pride in order to go after something they wanted. His pride was the most important thing that mattered to him. After his basketball and baking utensils, of course. If he didn't have the arrogance he carried or the pride that he clung onto so desperately, Chris wasn't sure who he'd be. "It's good to know that you prioritize Carter over your pride, Quinnie. You make me proud," he said, flashing her a genuine smile. Resting his back against the couch, he listened to her intently, his stomach swirling from happiness for his best friend. Normally, Chris would roll his eyes or grunt at the mention of anything remotely sappy, but to be the one to hear Quinn admit how strong her feelings were for Carter made him happy. "The way I see it," Chris began, his voice slow and hesitant, "Carter makes you stronger than you are and you need that sometimes, y'know? It's not like you're needy or whatever. You're a strong chick, but with someone like Evans, you become unstoppable. Isn't that a good thing?"
Quinn looked back up at Chris. His words had helped her more than she could begin to express, the heavy ball of anxiety that had festered in her stomach for what had seemed like months seemed to get a little lighter. She offered him a soft smile before pushing herself off the floor. "Thanks. You know you're a lot smarter than you let on," she said looking him directly in the eyes for what was only a brief moment. "So, now are you ready for me to kick your ass for real?" she laughed, throwing a controller in his direciton before throwing herself down on the couch.
I’ve only been in school for two weeks and I’ve already lost just about all of my pencils. I’m not sure how, but I manage to do this every year.Â
That is exactly the reason why you should tie them to your binders like they do at the doctor's office. Or like, make stickers of your face and put them on the pencils, that way people won't steal them and if they're lost they'll returm 'em.
"Is it bad that I’m actually looking forward to school starting up? I mean, not so much for the work but it means fall is coming; I can start wearing sweaters again and curl up on the sofa with a hot chocolate and a blanket."
