tough on myself | jane + keira
With a shrug, Jane smiled to herself more than Keira that she had managed to have an impact. “I don’t care that you’re saying that with sarcasm, it’s a win for me.” She raised her eyes to Keira’s level again with a smile that could not be suppressed. As Keira didn’t say much to her huge, unnecessary speech, she started wondering if this was the perfect opportunity to expand more on it, let Keira know that she was in fact a bisexual. That wasn’t crossing the line too much with JJ, was it? That technically wasn’t flirting to just inform a girl (you kind of like… maybe… definitely attracted to anyway) that you are a bisexual, right? Scared that it might be the only chance for it to come up, she let the words tumble out of her, “Well, you know, I’m bi and with a small village it would be hard to actually find a girl, but I guess being in a relationship, I don’t really need to think about that for now… I just thought I would say as people usually say I come across ‘straight-passing’, which is bullshit,” She laughed slightly at herself, as if obvious why that was stupid. “but uhm… anyway, I get that it would be hard in a village…” She trailed off, smiling uncomfortably at Keira now as she waited for a response to that.
Rolling her eyes, she laughed at her argument. “You’re really trying to rain on my parade today, aren’t you? Let me have my win.” It was kind of terrifying to stand up to Keira, even if it was over a silly game. It might have been a silly game, but she was basically saying Keira had her down all wrong and that was a bold statement to make regardless of it being a game or not. “And you say that like you’ve met so many influencers,” Jane laughed, thankful that her challenge hadn’t caused chaos to this hopefully budding friendship. When Keira said she had thought she was arrogant, not terrible, it caused a blush to rise to her cheeks. She knew it had. It was ridiculous, but this was the biggest step they had taken in the right direction and it felt like a turning point. It was also a point, however, that made her realise that she had challenged Keira without a thought for JJ. If this connection was supposed to be all for him, then she really shouldn’t be taking stupid risks like that. She put JJ to the back of her mind for a moment longer. He wasn’t really needed here right now.
Jane followed Keira out into the garden, silently, partly waiting for Keira’s answer and partly unable to speak even if she wanted to. It was because thinking of JJ had encompassed her with the fear again. The Fear. It seemed better in capitals. It followed her around like an unwanted shadow nowadays and it couldn’t be shaken off. Spending this time with Keira, even though it was all to stop The Fear and so was entirely about The Fear, actually seemed to distract the shadow of darkness. It had taken her by surprise that The Fear had left her at all for a few minutes of talking to Keira.
The only person you can rely on is yourself.
Nobody else in Jane’s life thought this way. She was being relied on for JJ, her mum relied on her, Robin relied on her, people relied on each other. She needed that to be true. She needed the truth to be that nothing was one-way. She could rely on everyone who relied on her. JJ was someone she could rely on. “I think,” She started, ignoring the tickle in her throat as she was consumed by The Fear and JJ. Two separate scary things. “I think it’s sad that you don’t think you can rely on anyone else. I do, but I understand why people might think that.” She nodded her head firmly at Keira in an attempt to show that she really did understand and that it was a concept she was struggling with herself. Softening her face into a smile again, she answered Keira’s question for her.
“They’re people I know and I’ve come to learn I have quite a charming personality,” She joked with a momentarily smug smile. “So naturally, yeah, I have a lot of people I know and it’s nice they all just see this version of me I want them to see and they don’t expect a lot from me. I’ve got a small group of actual proper friends to actually be me and… to rely upon.” She shrugged with a squint of her face, before finally turning away from Keira’s intense, yet magnetic stare. “Can you see your brother then or…?”
Keira tried not to let her surprise show as Jane mentioned being bi, because it really didn’t matter, and the fact that she was surprised only fed into the bullshit idea that “straight-passing” was even a thing to begin with. It wasn’t even that she was surprised as much as it was simply a scenario Keira had never really considered. The only other queer girls she knew of in Spenningdale were Rosie and Cleo, but of course that didn’t mean they were the only ones. “Yeah, straight-passing is total bullshit. Such an antiquated way of looking at sexuality.” She smiled slightly at Jane, feeling herself open up ever so slightly more to her without giving herself full permission at this new knowledge. “In that case, I’m sure you really do get how difficult dating can be here.” Keira shrugged it off, taking a sip of her beer. “It’s not all bad, though.” She could have expanded on that comment, but she didn’t, treating it as a punctuation to the topic, instead.
She rolled her eyes, letting out a scoff at her own blatant misconceptions about influencers. “Yeah well I have taken a handful of iPhone photos for tourists, so that definitely qualifies me to judge.” Keira shrugged, taking another sip of the beer. Choosing not to directly acknowledge that she was beginning to make jokes with Jane now. “Besides, even though social media is bullshit most of the time, you can just tell that some influencers are absolute pricks, right?” The longer she spoke with Jane, the more obvious it was that she wasn’t the way Keira had assumed she would be. She was genuine, or seemed to be anyway.
Keira pushed the thought away.
Once in the garden, she was quiet as Jane spoke about relying on others, her eyes glued to the dark expanse of the small garden. She remained silent, searching for a brother who was clearly not outside, so she could avoid searching within herself for a rebuttal to Jane’s comment. An extended moment passed before Keira finally shrugged. “Like I said, I have my family. That’s all I need now.” It was true, her parents and Andrew were enough. She could trust them - they needed her as much as she needed them. It was symbiotic, unlike most of her other relationships had eventually ended up. Keira was relieved when Jane turned the topic back to her, as it was a bit easier for her to zone out that way. To not think about the memories that hurt her, that made her view things so apparently differently than Jane. She nodded, looking from Jane to the spot in the garden that her gaze had previously locked onto, shaking her head at the question about her brother. “No, he’s being such an idiot,” She groaned, pulling out her phone once more to see no new messages. “Is there anywhere else in the house you think people might be?” Keira began to follow Jane, adding against her better judgment. “You never asked me another question, by the way.”
