//not sure anymore.\\

I mean, what more is there to say.

[memoryarchaeologist]

“Part of me wishes I could burn them from my mind, so I would never have to mourn for them. But the rest of me is afraid of who I would be without them.”

— Veronica Roth, Insurgent

[jazbaaati]

“Time is what we're doing,

I'm falling into the flesh,

into the sadness of the body

that cannot give up its habits,

habits of the hands and skin.”

Margaret Atwood, Selected Poems II 1976-1986.

[godzilla-reads]

Reading: The Haunted Bookshop by Christopher Morley

[itsmelibra]

This wasn’t what I wanted.

Nobody chooses this. Nobody willingly and freely signs up to love a drug addict. I didn’t plan for this to happen, now I don’t know how to get myself out of it. I love him, more than I have ever loved anything or anyone really. I made sure he was the one who was okay. I made sure he had a place to sleep at night, food in his belly, and a pack of cigs to hold him up throughout the week. I made sure that he had everything that he could ever need or want. But what about me? Is that selfish? Or is he selfish for making choose between him and myself? I know we don’t choose to be an addict, but I wasn’t the one who made you take that first hit. It’s almost like you didn’t even think of me and the consequences your choices would have.      

It’s been a little over 6 months since when you first told me about the addiction. I remember you telling me that it was only “pills” and you could stop whenever you wanted to. I remember you telling me you only took them because you couldn’t handle your back pain anymore. And then I remember when you told me it was Heroin. And then I started to think about where did I go wrong. Or where did WE go wrong. I know this wasn’t the life that we planned. But I tried to make it work.

You lost your job and had no car. I let you take my car for months while I worked to support us. Little did I know though where you were really going all those days I was at work. I tried to keep us above water and out of debt but I can’t do it on my own. But you weren’t there to help. Now that I fully know what was happening, you were trying to keep yourself above water. I don’t blame you for that. Addiction is really hard, but what about us? And me? Don’t you love ME more? But how can you? I could never give you what those drugs can give you. I’ll never be able to take you so high into the clouds that you don’t want to come down. The only thing I can do is be here. To try and support you and to try to make this work. But it. is. so. hard. 

I’m usually not one for the dramatics of things but at this point in our relationship, I’m surprised we haven’t been evicted from our home yet. The months of unpaid rent, credit card bills, car payments. It’s just too much for one person to take care of when it took two people to create these bills. And now look at me, kind of sounding like an asshole when you’re the one with the real problem but these things keep me up in my sleep. I have never been so on edge in my life. It’s like I’m sitting back and watching a movie of my life play out in front of me and all I see is the spiral going down. I cry, I scream. Nothing works. 

Fast forward to right now as I write this at midnight, sitting at my mothers kitchen table because you locked me out of my house tonight with nothing but my car keys. Even had the nerve to take the last bit of cash I had on me from my purse last night. I guess its time for me to really figure out where I want to be. I love you, but I need to love me more. He won’t seek help because he always has me to fall back on when he has nobody. No family to support him, no friends to hideaway with. And that is truly sad considering the man you once were. While I sit here and you’re blowing up my phone wondering where I am, I still hope the best for you. I wish you would get the help that you deserve. I wish that you could see your worth saving. But I can’t make you see that, I can’t force you into a rehab. No matter how hard I try. I can only hope that your safe every night before you fall asleep. 

I’m sorry this happened. Neither one of us wanted this.

I love you, always. 

[syck-amore]

And I wonder where you are tonight. If the one you’re with was a compromise. As we’re walking lines in parallel. That will never meet and it’s just as well.