nothing is what it seems

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I made myself a perfect henna and shaved my legs and despite I feel like a shit for some time today I'm feeling like a queen

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I might have an actual heart attack caused by gnr headlining Download in 2017 and Im not going to calm down as long as I wont have money on my account to buy tickets this fucking band omg i cant

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oh god there are so many good things before me so I should concentrate on them and fuck the things that are hurting me currently even if I’m looking like I’m over it, no I’m not.I feel like I’m the one to blame here cause even if it’s her fault she still makes me feel like I’m crazy and sick (and I don’t talk to her for about month now???) I really need August/ September and all that shows and voyages and concert travels and November as well. I just need my people near to me because I’m going slightly mad (yes yes I feel like Queen’s songs are the best ones to describe the world so sorry not sorry)  At the same time I have a real business here with K as we’re planning & buying tickets for AB tour and we really need good outfits for Kills and eodm (and also AB) so yeah, whatever

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also i’m having 100 heart attacks at once cause AB is probably starting tour 

and yeah

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i need to do some updates about my life but oh well, there’s too much going on*

or there was*

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she is a bitch, she is a damn bitch omg

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what even was the last week, omg

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yeah, i’ve changed my mind, maybe I could try again?

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why do I still feel so paranoid? I'm feeling like I'm trying to cope with neverending panic attack. I'm nervous and stressed all the time. What's going on? Like really? Despite my health problems, me being gross & fat & all (and not even a bit simetrical, with fucking gross scars all over my back and ugly spots on my hands and belly etc) I really have to feel paranoid because of what? that one guy who completely doesn't care about me (ok, not so completely, idk why I'm going to spend next weekend with him) ????!! I doubt... ok let's pretend nobody knows I have problems with mental health, I'm ok

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I’ve lost around 8 cm from my belly and my new bra is too big and J told me I’ve lost weight and I’m hot, I love her

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me & J spent the night at my (wanttobeex) crush’s flat because we are responsibile adults and I was walking in his room in just his t-shirt and panties because I’m normal person also I was so drunk I don’t remember a single thing and J told me what I was talking and yeah, I’m a fucking idiot & I wish I could control myself (I didn’t even drink so much) & I apologised for all my shit and I’m pathetic and it physically hurts me that I’m so stupid

also we went to shop and I don’t even know when, I was talking some shit about work, my diseases (because yeaah) and he (oh, I WOULD LIKE TO FUCK YOU HEY) why am I so fucked up

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oh god I would like to remember what I did when I was drunk

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so my dad just casually have stopped talking to me on Sunday well I'm not sad about it but what the fuck

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ok i'm a paranoid bitch but ya feel me

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i was 100% sure i'm over him and then world just hit me with big fucking NO. me & my best friend just went to the party & we met there with my (i thought) ex crush and workmate. It was nice and all and you know, I was like OMG I DONT CARE ABOUT HIM LOOK AT ME I DONT CARE HES GROSS, and then he started to touch and have fun with my bby J and I was like wtf, yes, I almost cried in the fucking club and he wanted us to drink with him and Im sure hes gonna start texting her on Facebook and Im just here, lying in bed, still a bit drunk, and crying also I begged her to NOT talk with him or flirting, in other case Im really gonna hurt myself because I still feel something and even now Im feeling like useless ugly shit

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i guess me & panic attacks are friends for some time now. I hate this feeling. Again I had to find my pills and wait patiently till they'll work (= i'll fall asleep) It feels like i'm closed in a big glass bowl with all things about which I don't want to think and all of my anxieties. Like I know everything is more or less ok and anyway my brain just keeps telling me that it's not and my body gives me high blood pressure mixed with headache and unbalanced, nervous breath. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up again. I know I'm gonna fuck up everything and nothing makes me happy and there is nothing good before me and it makes me feel terrible. And silence just makes it worse. Please help me disappear or let me sleep, please

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guess who probably just lost a friend due to her stupidity