To the girl I’m in love with, who disappeared -
I recorded this cover of 102 by the 1975 on the last day of 2016. Today, on the first day of 2017, I am letting it loose in the tumblr world, hoping it somehow gets passed around enough that it someday finds its way to you when you’re scrolling through your feed. If that day never comes, then so be it, I tried, I really did. However, if that day does come, and you are you and you are reading this, then this is for you:
When I hear this song, I think of falling asleep with you in a little apartment in San Francisco. I think of regarding you through sleepy morning eyes from your passenger side. I think of the stick figures you drew of us on my foggy sunroof on the 405. I think of your kiss. Your presence. Your loveliness. You. In retrospect, I’ve realized this song was the background music to all of the little instances in which I was so stupidly unaware that I was falling in love with you. To sing this now, knowing how our story has devolved from these beautiful aforementioned moments to weeks of empty phone static and heartache, to manic drives and sleepless nights, to chaotic helplessness and confusion, is harder than I could ever begin to articulate to you. But for me, this song will always be you, so here I am sending this out like a little dove through cyberspace.
I’m sorry things got ruined. I’m sorry we are beginning the process of becoming strangers so prematurely. I’m sorry I couldn’t be perfect. I’m sorry you felt you had to disappear. I really am. But the thing is, after everything, I’m singing this now because there is a piece of me still holding on to hope as I embark upon this new year and board this flight to the other side of the continent. Hope that this song finds you in a happy place. Hope that when you hear it, it will make you think of these things too - the little snippets of memories we made together that cannot be tainted by our mistakes, all of the good we shared - and you will smile. Hope that it reminds you of how much you truly meant to me, and how much you still do. Hope that maybe one day - when we’re older, when things aren’t so complicated, when there is a revolution around the sun that is more fair to us than this one was - I could still be the girl you fall asleep to this song with.
Indefinitely,
a girl out there who, after everything, thinks of you fondly, lovingly, often
|| when I knock
at one hundred and two
and I see your pajamas
i can’t stop smiling at you ||
areudirty
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