June 30, 2026 Tuesday 2:20 PM
I remember before when I have so many journal entries way back 2021. If I were able to open my laptop or even my notebooks, it contains different stories, like what are the songs I used to listen or where am I. Itâs quite fascinating to remember everything and what exactly happened during those periods. The wildflowers are everywhere and I remember smelling the grass and wet sand. I am riding bicycle and go to Arayat every last Saturday of the month. I am literally everywhere.
I managed to ride a tricycle all the way to apartment with Ate Melanie. I watched some videos from Kuya Arnold as he posted Tatay Rolandoâs wake. Todayâs the last day of interment, and the casketâs inside the karo de kabayo. Itâs gloomy. Itâs raining. Itâs something that is way different than the Tuesday I had every time I had June. Todayâs Tuesday, and what I remember is Mitch Albomâs âTuesdays with Morrieâ. I am so absurd in a way I canât write well. I am thinking about Vladâs family. I think of Kuya Drexon. I think of them all.
Thereâs a part of me that is pierced, and I am unable to listen âBoth Sides Nowâ by Carly Rae Jepsen the same as what I am doing before. Thereâs a part of me that wants to cry, but I canât because I have changed. The way I talk, the way I compose my verbiages, the way I communicate, and the way I recognize people. I talked to James for a while. I talked to Joms yesterday, and he talks about his work and his upcoming resignation on the 15th of July. I think of not moving forward to National University due to that certificate of rating thing, and I might end up going to Our Lady of Fatima University in the City of San Fernando, Pampanga. Todayâs the startâI mean, yesterday was the start of Mercury retrograde. Not all things are bright and wonderful like the poem Kyra recites when we talk about our school from our early ages.
There is this kind of blind spot that makes me weak, and that is when I am prefer not to intertwine with my younger self thoughts. He is way smarter than me, but what makes me feel better right now is that I donât need to tighten up my pants to make every clothing fit me. I am keeping my journals last 2021, and I am unable to open them, or maybe I refuse to open them because whatâs past is past, and I have to start all over again. This is a part of the mantra that I am aiming for.
Last night, I was able to see Marc Gio, and heâs inside the Jollibee, probably eating something, and I am 4 minutes last at my work because I decided to stay for a little in my apartment and slept for a while before taking a bath. I thought of some things that we are doing a year ago, when weâre here on our apartment and weâre talking about some of the plans that we need to do for his birthday. Now, itâs way different. He had to save himself, while I donât need to distress myself from everything. The weight that I am carrying is heavy already, and I should stick of carrying what I can only handle. I have few songs to remember and listen to my phone while I think of ways on how to deal with everyday life. Marc Gioâs there. I might be stupid for not bringing up some stories that I can probably share about him, but not everything is all about him, anyway.
Who am I supposed to think of, anyway, when these people are doing their own? Who am I supposed to be with when I am becoming selective to whoever I need to spend my time with? Who am I supposed to talk to when not everything that I want to hear is blurted on their mouths? Who am I supposed to love, if I am incapable of loving the inches of me?
I am not sad, I am not angry, I am not lonely, and I am not empty while I am writing this stuff. I can actually smile and think of good thoughts while I see my fingernails typing each letter on this keyboard, but I can also think of the toughest moment happened in my life, including the part when after a year ago, I wasnât able to take Vladâs call, and I am at the beach, seeing how the water touches the sand and stone combined. I can think of Marc Gio and how he cried when I was reading what he wrote on a piece of pad. I can think of when I had an interaction with Joms that Ber months, and I wasnât able to get the answer that I am supposed to keep instead. I can think of myself eating siomai rice and I had classes on the afternoon, and everythingâs falling in between us two. I can think of that September morning, when I am walking with my white hoodie, and Vladâs wearing his pink Alfamart uniform, and weâre paving our own ways, without saying words with each other. We just let things to pass by. Who am I to do some clickbait and ask fate or faith to rely on some stupidity that I am doing before, like tossing a coin or writing a letter for Vlad to be inserted on a water bottle and keep it alongside with the grasses in Cong Dadong Dam? Like, is it really necessary to do that? What am I supposed to do if I miss the part that I am hurting and loving at the same time? And my energyâs directed to what I have to think of while counting the time, and I have my shift later, and I havenât got a perfect sleep since yesterday
Bern, this is what you have wished for⊠is this really what you wished? You have your peace of mind to study in college and wear the uniform you wanted. You managed to enter that university for several times, and what you have to do later is to ask if theyâll be able to accept your credentials. You donât have to interfere your life choices as you have used your heart several times in a row, and what you need to commit is by using your brain to think wisely, to think of the choices that is way better compared to talking to someone like Gio and waste your money on some crap. You have your own directive. You have your own purpose this time. You have to glorify what is currently up to what is beyond your reach, and itâs something that will come along if youâll not be scared or lazy to walk forward.
Damn, I miss my younger self. I better try to fix everything, my papers, my bills, my plans. I have to distract myself, like reading some books. Getting excessive fallbacks by not learning from the blast from the past is not giving me the resolution that I need to come up. Jet ski! (Good bye, June. I somehow hated you, but yeah, thanks for the lessons. I am trying to be cool now.) Love lots⊠Bern. (Postscript: farewell.)