Sherendipity

The aesthetics of your complicated average lady who wants to be an artista.

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After pondering in my car, and riding for like an hour, people should realize that if you are emotional over anime, that does not mean you're weak. Japanese culture has a lot of metaphors and meaningful messages that make you culturally superior to people who would make fun of you over that. Some examples are the flowers of death in animation or the motto of a volleyball team who was once told they were the clipped crows but that never stopped them from flying. People are scared of monsters or the things that haunt them in life but they find partners or people who support them so they're not alone. In real life, there will be many people who make you doubt or feel inferior but when you watch anime, it gives you the feeling of having emotions and feelings that truly show you are human so when you're in a bad situation, you have no friends, or your friends don't believe you, Japanese animation empowers you and gives you that brief moment of relief and just a moment of pure happiness that no matter what in real life, no one can take away.

[itssherendipity]

I wanted a complicated person. You said you were a complicated person. When you comforted me when another person hurt me, I was feeling better. You layed down your book, you set down your rules and the more and more you explained it to me, the more I realized you're not a complicated person. You're so easy to understand and its so simple. Maybe you think youre a complicated person and maybe what I thought of complicated was a definition was just finding the right one. Someone who wants more. I want someone to be happy sometimes without needing me to make them happy. If you find happiness with and without me,

I'm proud of you because people aren't meant to make you feel detached from achieving your own dreams. I like that your idea of complications aren't complicated. Maybe your surroundings make people make you feel that way. Im not in charge but I look forward to the depths of the future abyss :]]] ^______^_

[itssherendipity]

If I actually had friends I'd never think of relationships

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Never judge a character or ask for something if youre not ready for it

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I liked when you used to think I was amazing. The night was wild and you said even though the dj kept changing the beat, you said I managed to still keep my beat. You kept saying look at her go. It sucks. We noticed each other at the wrong time. Now your married and you're waiting for kids. Tomorrow im gonna make a friend happy, drown myself in alcohol and clear out my head. This side of heated feelings in my chest keeps me in my bed. But tomorrow night ill make it a night for me and my friend. At the end of the night in my mind will you still be mine </3.

[itssherendipity]

In recollecting my first days of entering UNCG, having the pure experience of loving someone, without even knowing where they came from or where their background is such a priceless and valuable thing. To start fresh and not to judge someone, is so wholesome, refreshing, and accepting. Thank you Deja, for sitting next to me on the first day of orientation. Definitely took my experience to a whole new flight and whole new level. Congratulations on graduating. Thanks for being my first friend at UNCG. Thanks for taking the initiative to meeting me because I'm glad.

[itssherendipity]

In 2010, maybe it was pride from letting my little brother in. I was tired of him seeing me hurt.

[itssherendipity]

I just realized my problem with not finding friends is because I'm a stand out individual with a strong personality. I just need strong individuals who could come along.

[itssherendipity]

P.s: I hope I can write honest words that are useful

[itssherendipity]

I have to get this off my chest or I will never be able to finish studying for my test which is due at 8am tomorrow morning. I didnt think there was a future for me after highschool. I didnt have a life plan and I didnt have a goal. I took any kind of hardship or bad thing and took it and just carried on because I didnt believe in having an authority over my life. And you want to blame someone because they didnt give you guidance or a road map. You were honestly humble and diligent and accepted whatever anyone said to you cause you earnestly thought that you weren't supposed to be the navigator on your own life, that people who influenced you were the ones who narrated your life. Often times you want to be mad at the man above, but because you've always believed 28 years of your life, you're not allowed to say no, life swept passed you. Its 2020 and you still feel like its 2010 and you're still wondering if the Harry Potter series is still going on.

When you're frustrated, the first thing you want to do is point fingers at someone. I had people say, never stare at people but honestly, if I did, I wouldve understood alot earlier what it meant to be compassionate and more empathetic towards others. It's easy to point fingers at others, say hurtful words that could hurt people, but it mustve been real strength 2010 me to continuously just wonder.

Parents. I love them. I want to be mad at them. I was mad at them first l, but then after a lot of thinking, it's not their fault. My mom. Shes a nurse. She wanted to be an artist but my great grandmother wouldn't give her money for school unless she was a nurse. So, she became a nurse and after marriage she was expecting a healthy, easy lifestyle. Little did she know that she'd have 3 children and be working the rest of her life and still does to this day. My dad, probably has a deep past but because of his kids, he found love and wanted to start a business and little did he know that he would be on and off jobs, continously trying to find a job and trying to find one where he'll stay. Thankfully hes found a relative one.

Me. I will never tell the deep stories of me. Too dark for anyone to see and never to want people to find remorse, guilt, whatever. I had a lot of difficulties in life, but like always, I kept a positive state of mind, never reflecting on what happened to me. My senior year of highschool, I almost failed. I didnt think that would happen to me. Of all people. I spent a years worth of work in one or two weeks just to graduate and on graduation day, I was nervous but a school representative, whom I'll resent and I'm not going to give any empathy for, took me away from the graduation ceremony, without investigating, said I didnt complete the requirements for graduating and it wasnt until the principle came up to her and told her she made a mistake, she did all her work and he said congratulations, it's okay you can go back. I was flustered, embarrassed, ashamed of myself and I asked myself, was it okay for me to graduate? I walked on stage puzzled but because my facial expressions were never fazed, it didnt look like i was puzzled. I just walked on stage and accepted my diploma. I didnt get the gratifying feeling i wanted for graduating. All my life i wanted to blame someone for not giving me a road map in life and after a lot of thinking, I'm not mad at my parents or cousins or anyone. I'm just mad that years passed and i lost the privilege of earning my little brothers title as older sister. I didnt deserve it because in 2010, while in my freshman year, and my little brother was probably only in 7th or 8th grade he had to watch over me in my most vulnerable moments and witness that I cant bear the title of older sister.

Life throws edges at you, I was a straight edge. But now, I'm just trying to see what I can do. Now I know I'm allowed to be mad at people but it wont do anything now. My faith in God has always panned in and out and now I know I'm allowed to be mad at him, for taking things away and sometimes giving me things.

Reflecting on 2010 is the best I can do but after writing, I've found the courage to continue studying. I'll write more often later.

[itssherendipity]

That Lucky Time You Were Mine.

To be honest, I was hesitant to write this and thought, maybe I shouldn't write this. But after thinking about it and forgetting about writing it, might make me regret it. So

I'll write about it. There are instances, moments, and memories sometimes you just wish you can freeze in time. Not to forever have but to feel what you felt back then,

It still lingers. We had our fights. We had our ups and downs. I was an emotional wreck. But you were a kind bad boy. And when I say bad boy you were never a bad boy. You were just naughty. Always naughty as in mischievous. Very naughty. At night when I snored, youd always snatch my pillow from under my head and throw it on top of my head. I never noticed.

Because I was snoring. I remember you wrote me letters.

Many, in fact, because I was wary of our feelings and you'd always write it in words to try to help me figure it out.

You didn't want to give up on me and you tried. I remember sleeping so well in your bed. It's all so comfortable. Especially with sleeping right next to you, only to remember

That one night I got too comfortable and I think you were trying to tell me something in my sleep. I think I was so annoyed that I let out this giant fart that vibrated the bed and I was shocked that you were shocked because I was shocked and out of complete incomprehension and being completely not aware I said half-asleep, shook, up and alert and asked, "Was that me?.......Was that me?" And you were laughing.

And I was laughing. Because I was unaware.

And then I went back to sleep. My favorite memories were when we'd cook before eating together, I'd wash the dishes and you'd surprise me by hugging my back. It felt so nice and comfortable. This.

This is one of the main memories that will always remain on my mind. But I will also remember all the other memories.

Like beating you at ping-pong, basketball, airhockey, soccer, and most of all our favorite sport.

Pool.

Just kidding. I never beat you at soccer and I guess you have your share of good wins 😉😉😉. We're not boyfriend and girlfriend anymore and the weird thing is, we're okay with this.

You know what's even weirder?

Is that I can say I love you. Because you are my friend or someone dear to me.

Chato. 😊😊😊😊

When the time comes, in the future, I'll always cherish and support you. This writing is only to freeze a moment that will be documented. Like the 5 letters and origami instilled in my mind. Oyasumi. Sayanara.

[itssherendipity]

It's weird. I built this undefeatable armor in highschool so I could never let fear enter inside my heart. I did this unconsciously as a protective barrier of constant pain and hurt and harrassment. It's ashame it broke 10 years ago. I used to be ashamed for living, bt there are reasons that are keeping me alive.

[itssherendipity]

I feel embarrassed for living this long yet this indisputable light of urge wanting to still survive. Why am I alive

[itssherendipity]

Deep from my heart

It’s surprising how much people badly want to support you, that you didn’t even realize they really want to support you. I didn’t have a lot of faith for a long time. I believed that the best remedy for myself was to always to alone manage by yourself. I’ve done that for many years, cope with what you can. I never rely on others because I didn’t believe in that. I wanted to read some self-help books, watch something to cheer myself up, only to find myself despairing by myself. Using the tissue paper from the bathroom and crying to myself. People usually turn to religion and as a Catholic, as a person, I have strayed. Constantly dealing with things by myself because I had so much spite. So much anger. Not at just me but with the man up there. Why can’t I say what I want to say. Why can’t I say I like your dress or how are you doing or I think I can help or thank you for driving me, thank you for holding out the door for me.

Physically I have trouble speaking! And it’s frustrating. I want to respond and talk like I can it’s just a physical problem with myself. Communication is such an important thing. Don’t take it for granted.  I’ll try and just hope. 

[itssherendipity]

Even as a kid crying, I always had dry humor saying oh, these tears taste good.

[itssherendipity]

You have 2 choices in life. You can wallow and feel sorry for yourself making yourself feel alone and not needed- or you can get off your stupid high horse of sadness and try to fix things you thought you cant fix. To be honest I thought my life was a shamble of lies. We all change but sometimes I dont want to be blind when I'm trying to be a better person. I cant tell if I'm real sometimes. The weird thing is I like isolation and eating sardines for dinner because I can appreciate the luxuries of good food when the delightful moment comes. I cry. Almost every night. I've been to many specialists in psychiatry, counseling all for them to just nod and not know how to answer in response to my grief. I'm tired of self pitying myself just cause I dont have friends to invite me to the 10 year anniversary of highschool or that my friends borrow things from me and never return it or having to feel the disappointment of peers. Do yourself a favor. Go to that used book store. Find bargain cds, Drink canned thai tea and those asian stuff you like, watch a good movie, be kind to yourself, give yourself a bubble bath, soak and light a candle. I want you to know you're special each and every one of you and no, you're not unnecessary or little. I'm not just saying this for just your sake. I'm practicing this for myself right now. I thought that just being in the middle where no one can reach you would be fine but sometimes its okay to remember you had amazing friends. Take that leap. I'm gonna do it.

[itssherendipity]

Wanna believe something crazy?

When I was growing up I think I built this undefeatable shell. It was big and so strong, it’s like nothing bad could penatrate it. No problems or compromises. Bouncing off anything that was bad. I rewinded shows a lot of time. Building something like my magical shell. I think I was a fallen angel. I used to repeat slice of life shows because I didn’t understand it. I didn’t even know what sadness was and I was confused why or other people so sad or happy? I used to tip my local dunkin donuts by my school because I didn’t realize what it was to be normal, I was very not aware of what was normal. I used to walk a mile in 4 feet snow. My hands and feet would be frozen going back and forth from school. I didn’t know what cold was. I didn’t know. When I lost my house key I would wait in the backyard. I thought that nothing was bad. I never believed anything was bad. It’s like I didn’t believe in the idea of negative impacts. I kinda just had hopeful thoughts all the time and I think it took me a while to understand. You see not many people know but on the right side of my shoulder is a one fine long white hair. And right now you make think that’s funny but I’m being serious with you because I think that long white strand of hair was once a part of my wing and when I was a baby I remember being born the first day. You may not believe me but there’s a scientific name for remembering things as a baby so life is really, really amazing. To remember the darkness of not being able to see. I remember the first day I was born and it’s real.