Day 124/365: Trying to figure out how to merge all my online properties onto WordPress
A side project, if I may say so myself. I've been crying and talking to myself since 6am. I woke up at 4am, distressed. My ex's actions yesterday, though peacocking, hurt me. I shouldn't have looked. I know how the conversation went, "You're looking good." "Thanks, I need a new girl. Find someone for me." "*She posts him*" "He reposts back". I know what you are... I know what this is...
And he looks good, very good. He was smiling, a lil smile, but a smile nevertheless. I can't believe that he's doing this again. Someone else will suffer as I've suffered. And he's doing this, again. Even if it is just casual... ultiamtely, someone will catch feelings. Someone WILL get hurt. And the fact that he can't see that? I'm disappointed in him. You're in a relationship right now. You are married. Or, are you now divorced? And if you are... why didn't you come back to me???
Alot happened yesterday, so much. First, I went out on a date, impromptu, but, very good. I appreciated it so much. The conversation was outstanding AND HIS VOICE... That nigga needs to talk me through it. But he's fat, bald, and old sooooooo... Yeah... Queen Frozen said he's cute... She likes... ugly niggas, nerds. That is not my type AT ALL. It's sooooo interesting how she wants nerdy men in thick, tall, strong bodies LMAO!
I went on a date last night with a serial creative entrepreneur. It was very nice, I must say. He runs an event series that's been all over the world. He's also an art installation-ist(sp?) and a fashion designer. He's "divorced" but not really. They got engaged, and a week or two before or after the wedding, the pandemic came. It caused them to never actually get married and in the process of time, they split up. They now have a 5 year old son that the split custody of. They were common law up until that point. While talking to him, it felt like I was talking to the future version of my ex. In that moment, for real, I realized that I actually do not want to be with someone how has a child, unless the mother is literally re-married (and even that, debatable) or dead. That's it. The mother has to clearly NOT WANT HIM and BE HAPPY in her own situation... whatever that is.
And... it was revealing, eye-opening and made me lose my lustre of how I felt about him and what he could be like in the future. I really, poured my heart out into the ether that is my home. I really, talked through what I was thinking, feeling, especially with him reposting and being posted by his former housemate who he swore was a whore... but at the same time you're allowing her promote you to her followers... meaning surely surely, las las, SOMEONE SOMEWHERE will start a conversation with you... and LAS LAS SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE will either end up in your bed, or you'll end up in theirs. And to me... that's not something someone of strong character would do.
I'm disappointed in him, for sure. That's what it boils down to. He's doing what I wouldn't expect him to do. I'd expect him to take this time, think about what he wants to do re: his marriage... but then again hey, their marriage may now be open. There's a thought. Maybe she gave him the go ahead to sleep and be with other women till he comes back or she goes there, I don't know. But what I do know, is that this is gutter butt behavior and it is ultimately, beneath me. Slowly, as the days go by, I lose interest in him...
And then, I ask for a sign... and I get it. And then, I'll be in front of my computer, telling God that he's not the one for me. He's only the one for me if he is divorced and CHILD LESS... Then I hear, "your husband has found you and it is the King". That's a lie from the pit of hell mayne! It cannot be, it cannot work. It'll take a miracle. And the thing is, I heard a voice say that the covenant I have with them is stronger than the covenant that they have broken between themselves in regards to their marriage... That's murky at best tbf. At best.
And I didn't see my red Alfa Romeo yesterday, which was the sign I was very reluctant and hesitant to put out there. And then, he does all of this...
I was instructed to go to Queen Elsa's church yesterday. It was an interesting service, because it was a single's anointing service! How apt! It was also baby dedication day which was also very apt. I like the prayers that we prayed, it was nice. A nice change of pace from my usual church. Afterwards, I went to Queen Elsa's house and we jisted for an hour about her and her new king, King B... Or rather, so I don't get confused WWBD so that we could de-brief. We went to an art exhibit, it was nice. Small, but nice.
I then found an IG post for a listening party type vibe and it was really good. I actually enjoyed it and found some new tracks that were splendid. I also shared about a new track that I found and EVERYONE was jamming to it. And most people actually didn't even know of the song. I didn't too until like, a fortnight ago! So, I shared it, and then the art curator (it feels like you stole the light from my eyes. i still mourn us.) for this mega party party that's taken place all over the world. He was SUPER DUPER into me and it was great. We (Queen Elsa and I) ended up leaving to go to eat. He met us there, and then she left so we could be alone and have an impromtu date.
I got home tired and sad. Crashed into my bed with heavy eyes, and just went to sleep. It was a little after 10, which I guess makes sense as to why I'd wake up close to 5. But yeah. I just finished cleaning up my house and doing some laundry. I plan on doing the dishes, then... well, it looks like I'll be praying in the afternoon today... Fuck.
I've been crying for over 6 hours... Crying, talking to myself... Ma bo dam anna???
