ｗｒｉｔｉｎｇ ｏｎ ｔｈｅｗａｌｌ

✧ ＩＮＦＰ ☾ ＬＩＢＲＡ ☾１９９４ ✧

[ivanorivy]

I lived out a bitter dream.

In finding you I found a waking feeling.

With eyes half opened,

I find the glimmer in your eyes that makes my own feel full.

As though yours is a beauty that invites me to be.

A waking being.

A waking feeling.

I awake,

with given reason,

to look towards you.

[ivanorivy]

The way you burn in the dark makes you bright. The way I burn somehow leaves things more obscure. Leaving shadows more wild. The way I take hold of darkness to shake it violently. As I have learned to do within myself.

[ivanorivy]

I flirt with the idea of you. You come to me so often with an idea of romance. That you'll give me all I want. That you're all I could ever have need for. In my selfish thoughts I imagine I can hold you. Blissfully. Eternally. Dressed in your darkness. You, veiled within that obscure distance you offer. A pull to the edge. Flying or floating deeper to the under side of the world. You control the pull. I contort my body to hold myself in place against you. As much as I want you, as much as anyone could want anything—

[ivanorivy]

That's how I see my own life since knowing you.

Changed.

As if always to be shared with you.

Wanting it to be so.

Always knowing.

Your place, there,

tied together within my soul.

[ivanorivy]

I've talked to god about you. It's shown me nothing; but that I think of god when I think of you.

[ivanorivy]

It often feels as though I was born without hands to pray with.

[ivanorivy]

Stupid fucking shit heart .

[ivanorivy]

You made me dig my own grave with the knife you expected me to end my life with, and in that end, the blade had dulled, and I had lived a life of shallow scars, and no way to rest in this empty hull.

[ivanorivy]

"You made this heart feel like it was already known" are words I so wish to say.

[ivanorivy]

I'll come back to myself someday. More myself. More willing to stay. In these days—I walk back on the path that made me feel far away.

[ivanorivy]

Every day I find you a little less like yourself in my thoughts.

[ivanorivy]

It felt to me that you were a canary in a mine shaft that would never choose to sing when you felt everything could crumble.

[ivanorivy]

I want to lick from her palm and have her sweat drip onto my chest.

[ivanorivy]

I can't believe he died under a bridge. Anytime I think about it my mind thinks out, "wow I can't believe he went out like that." It's like those rumors you hear when you're young. "I heard this bridge is haunted by a guy who died here." Then in my own thoughts, I wish I knew exactly how many real people know people who became myth. He was a nice enough guy in the living. Tragic he passed so soon. We get a little older, and it seems like some live forever for how they died.

[ivanorivy]

It worries me that there's things I won't ever heal from. Like something was removed from me that couldn't ever go back into place the same way. Without scarring, without notice, without recognition. Never feeling whole. Just whole enough to move forward in remembrance of what isn't there.

[ivanorivy]

It's the way you make me feel like the wait was worth it. Every time I'm near you worth value. Every moment since we've known each other being held close within me.

I felt impatient most of my life, then you fell into my lap and I truly felt a realization. "She is that way isn't she? She's the girl I've always thought to be mine. How is it that she has come to me now?"

So at times I feel I can wait for you. At times I feel an urge to always be with you, but ever since you came into my life, I can't imagine a life without you. You're a part of my story. Not the climax, not the beginning, nowhere near the end. You took the book of my life and decided to write into it with your own pen.

[ivanorivy]

So that’s where you live?

In a memory that only comes to me at night.

When I’m alone you find your way to me.

Like a haunting.