k. @ivejustalwaysbeenhoudini - Tumblr Blog

New York 1994

I remember being 15 and being told i didn’t know what love is, and maybe that person was right, but i think i knew love i just i hadn’t felt it until now. What i knew as love at that time was an intense feeling of wanting to care for someone, then after that it was guidance, then i learned self love, then i learned loneliness but with that came independence and strength, and growth. And with all those fragments of what i learned and what i gave i am still learning and still picking up pieces. Love is pleasure, love is pain... “it’s the best worst feeling”

I’ve been so truly sad and unmotivated ever since I realized i can’t start school...it chokes me up to be real. I couldn’t start because of my own financial dilemmas.. i maxed out a lot of cards when i was 18-20 and just bs like that. I feel like my whole upbringing was based on this idea of going to college for what you wanted to do, what you were passionate about. The whole part about taking care of the costs just never seemed like something to worry about because i was always told i had money to go to school. I’m now 22, i’ve figured out what i wanted to do and when the money is needed, no one has it or there’s just a lot of excuses as to why school can’t be paid for now. Culinary school seems like the right idea, it seems as though there is a lot i don’t know which school can help me understand and expand my knowledge of food, hospitality, and the business and bring it all together. I’m constantly excited when i think of the idea of having my own business, and creating my own menu, having the space to decorate. just bringing it all to life is what’s missing. For the last three weeks, i wake up every day and i almost don’t even want to be here anymore. The thought of never starting school is a constant one, The thought of being unsuccessful in all that i do is an even more consistent one... I dont dislike myself. I think i have the potential to be an ambitious individual, i think i’m great with people, i work well under pressure and i can be innovative sometimes. i also think i’m too impulsive for my own good, i think that when i truly dislike or dont care for something i think too strongly about it and dont even bother trying it again but i dont hate myself for it because i stand for something maybe it’s because i’ve always been spoiled or because im just plain stubborn and that’s that. I don’t want to be a 28 year old server who never got here dreams sorted out and kept a job because i had bills to pay. that’s not the idea. it’s not even a vision in my head more like the worst case scenario. i know i’m young and i have so much time to figure it out and thats what everyone says but realistically it’s not true... i have to have a child before the age of 33 which is a mere 10 years away... i have to travel, live out my life thoroughly, and establish a career and name for myself all in the next ten years. sometimes i think i won’t end up having children at all. theyre cute but you can literally fuck up your whole kids life by one little mistake you make, and i could never deal with that kind of pressure. i already feel the resentment towards my parents occasionally, i can’t even imagine a small human feeling that way about me, one that i created from flesh and bone with my own body. ungrateful fuck. sometimes i feel ungrateful but thats not it, i’m appreciative of the brains, and the manners my parents taught me but the way they are individually disgusts me now that i’m an adult. I’m true to myself, i admit when i’m wrong. i think its okay to be happy, or sad. i think that being stressed out because of other people is ridiculous and if other people take a toll on you that way, besides the person you truly love, you need to reconsider why you feel that way. people suck. people don’t ever understand how you truly feel despite the amount of time or effort they put into trying to understand you, or maybe thats just me, who knows.. but i think i’m a complex person. and i still love myself entirely. i’ve made so many mistakes, i don’t regret anything, it has stitched together the person i am, and i dont necessarily want to say i’m strong because of it, i think i’m strong because i’m not fucked up in the head, i dont think im spiteful either. some days i think i’m the most brilliant person in the world and it doesnt even take me knowing everything to feel that way, other days i think i’m a complete dimwit who knows nothing and yet, i still love myself entirely.but... i’m going to go now, my writing streak has been disturbed by love, and not my self love, but the love i give to him.

#super personal #tears fell #rant #not for attention but for release #no one has me on here anyway really

So. I just started working at this new restaurant in the town over from where I live. This town is full of overly successful, pretentious, condescending individuals. Now, I can understand if you’re knowledgeable in what it is you’re discussing but, by no means does it make it okay to make the person you’re talking to feel like they are not smart. This happens at least once a night. I’m not racist but white people are a different breed. (I am too, half “white”) I understand the need to talk like this all too well as I have family who act the same way sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, I come across other people who are absolutely amazing and humble, and it gives me a bit of hope for humanity. My General Manager himself is an awesome dude. He is like a know it all dictionary but not in a demeaning way, he just knows so much about everything dude, it’s crazy. I can ask him a question and if he doesn't know the answer he is almost antsy to find out. He also gives me major anxiety, in the sense that if he is tense or too busy (because he spreads himself faaaaarrrrr too thin for this business) he just kind of makes you go away. My bartenders have both been bar tending for over 10 years, combined, about 25 years of experience. All of the spirits or wine in house are none i have ever heard of and although I’ve been serving for about three years, Ive worked for plenty of different restaurants and have never encountered one with such a need to have people try new things. It’s amazing for me to be able to learn, especially because of the culinary career i wish to pursue soon. We also share the other half of the restaurant with a completely different restaurant, which this may sound amazing but it truly raises concern in the area where we share ONE kitchen, ONE dishwasher, ONE set of bathrooms.... The work is not organized out or assigned to people leading one side of the restaurant to do so much more work than the other, all in all, unfair. We had a staff meeting today where some of this was addressed and the answer was simply “we are a team, no one has one job” uh, yeah bro. nah. you need to assign some type of schedule because if you think employees are going to figure it out amongst themselves, everyone is just gonna say fuck it, and then shit doesn’t get done at all. Another note, scheduling... my general manager is also an english professor at a local college part time... he hired some of his students to work in the restaurant... these 3 employees have to go away for spring break back home because they are not allowed to be on campus, now i have a vacation to go on during this time and my job is not “guaranteed” because i have to “figure it out with the other employees” and it’s my fault that you hired three of them who already cant be here that week all at the same time.................i’m just ranting and going off because i think i can be a logical reasonal person and thinker, so if i knew there was absolutely no way of going on this vacation and it was my fault i would blame myself but the dude hired a bunch of people who are in college like i just dont get it. ok rant over because i’ll be here all day. all in all, i love the place, love the menu, love learning, love the money, hate the misorganized, hate the clientele, hate the stupid minor conflicts/issues.

#personal #rant