Nothing in Return

[iwoulddie444u]

September 11, 2021,

It’s been about two months since I saw you last. Two months feels like nothing, like such a short amount of time. But in my reality it has felt more like six months. Maybe because I went through so many emotions. But I’m so happy with where I’m at right now. I deactivated my Instagram. It’s been about a week without it. I feel great. Yes, still using my phone a lot but I’m now disconnected from checking up on you or anyone else I care to think about.

The other day I was thinking about why the hell I was so emotional with you and about the whole situation. I think it was because subconsciously I knew that was it. I didn’t feel secure in the connection so I started to get super anxious and freak out. I knew that was it for us. I obviously didn’t want to believe it, but it was true. The only way you can get in touch with me now is either email or Skype. Though I highly doubt you’ll reach out any time soon. You didn’t even wish me a happy birthday. And that’s because you didn’t pay attention enough over the last ten years to know when it was my birthday.

[iwoulddie444u]

August 16, 2021

In the middle of our time together I found myself needing clarity and guidance. I was so overcome with anxiety that I just needed to know what was to come of us. I got a psychic reading from a woman I have gone to a few times over the years. The things she told me in that moment did hurt a bit, but they gave me glimmers of hope. She could sense my anxiety and told me that this is just a connection where freedom and letting go is essential for it to sustain life. I totally understand that, considering this is long distance. And in those moments, what really made me feel better, is that she said I’d see you again before the end of the year, and that even though the start to next year will be rocky, you could potentially move here for a job in late summer.

Looking back on this, now that I’m a lot more level headed, I find all of this completely comical. Why would I be going back to London so soon for someone I haven’t heard from since I left five weeks ago? I don’t know what cards she pulled or what energy she was picking up on, but I don’t think that’s going to happen.

If anything, I plan on going back sometime between January and March, hoping to also rope in Germany on that trip too. And when that trip happens, it’s not for you. It’s not for us. It’s for me. I want to establish a feeling in London that doesn’t revolve around you. I truly love it there and I want any connection of you to the city to be severed in my mind.

[iwoulddie444u]

August 15, 2021

Yes, I’ve let go of you. I’ve let go of the expectations, the possibility of a future. I’ve come to terms that those days we were together was the true first and last of our time together.

I don’t really count the first time we met in person back in 2018, really close to three years ago exactly. You were in a relationship with someone who cheated on you and that made me hold back every ounce of my authentic self, feelings included. I knew you were going to stay with her regardless of how she treated you. It made me furious, because I knew I would treat you so much better.

A month after that meeting you quit your job, left London behind and moved with her to her home country. When you told me, I wanted it to end right there between us. I should have. But you didn’t want to. So I honored that and we kept in touch a handful of times over the next year and a half. Which then brought us to the start of the current situation with us.

There’s a part of me that regrets not ending it after that first meeting, or even ending it way before then. I regret holding onto you for so damn long. But the other part of me is proud of myself for taking the risk to go see you, to know what it’s like to feel your lips on mine and have you inside of me. I no longer have to live with that “what if” about you. That’s something that offers me so much peace. I did it, and it didn’t work out, and that’s okay.

[iwoulddie444u]

August 12, 2021,

I am so proud of myself for how far I’ve come just in four weeks time. I feel light, I feel love, I feel forgiveness. I have truly let go. No more attachment. I really thought I’d be a mess for a long while, but I think since I let myself grieve appropriately the whirlwind of emotions were able to leave just as quickly as they appeared. That’s actually something I learned in this book I’m reading about death. And that’s how I decided to treat this situation.

Every change in life is a death and rebirth. Nothing is ever constant or permanent. You should allow yourself to grieve and feel everything that you’re feeling during those times. It’s what makes the healing process a lot easier as opposed to denying and holding back your feelings.

[iwoulddie444u]

August 3, 2021

I expected myself to keep up with these entries more consistently. Maybe it’s because I’m feeling better. Not good, but better. I no longer cry every day. I don’t feel like my stomach is in knots. The emotions have subsided.

I still think about him a lot though. It just hurts less these days. The wound has healed enough where it’s not too deep anymore. I can look at it, pick at it a bit, and it doesn’t cause too much pain. Life without him is….normal. It’s essentially all I’ve ever known, being without him. I will survive, I will live, I will love, all to my fullest. I no longer want to put energy towards him. I no longer want to hold on hope that he’ll come back, because I don’t believe he will. He’s not going to change, and that’s okay. I can be the one to change and move forward from things that aren’t good for me. I can be the one to look at my behaviors and patterns and work on them to create a better version of myself, therefore bringing in better people.

[iwoulddie444u]

July 27, 2021

I don’t think it’s possible to truly appreciate a moment enough to satisfaction. I feel like I have let every moment slip away without the acknowledgement of how special it was. I can picture myself at Alexandra Palace, watching the sunset, listening to my favorite song. I’m pretty sure I even told myself “really take this all in. Remember this”. And yes, I remember it, but it just feels so far away. I’ve been telling myself recently, “you didn’t cherish those moments enough. You weren’t present enough. You have to go back and experience it again”. But what really is “enough”? Because maybe I did appreciate it all, but I just have a hard time letting those moments become memories.

Letting go of good things is one of my weaknesses. I want to grasp onto ever single second of happiness until time practically rips my fingernails off from gripping it so hard. It’s like that one quote from David Foster Wallace, “everything I’ve ever let go of has claw marks on it”. Goddammit that quote hits so deep. It’s like I can replay these moments in my head, but that’s all they are now. The experience is gone. I’m left with these images in my brain that are going to become fabricated differently as time goes on.

[iwoulddie444u]

July 25, 2021

I’m feeling a lot lighter these days. It’s kinda nice to be settled back into every day normal life. That doesn’t mean I don’t wish I could go back. I really do think I’d love to live in London or maybe another country. Just for a short while. Like six months to two years. Feel like the only ways that would be possible are if I get a job or go back to school. Things don’t have to happen right now, I have a little less than a year until my current lease it up so we’ll see where I’m at at that point.

Though I’m sure going back to London any time soon might not be the best for my emotional health. I think I need more time to heal and separate.

[iwoulddie444u]

July 24, 2021

I wasted so much of my trip waiting for him. Looking back, I hate that I felt like I could have done more myself. But then again, the whole reason I booked this trip was because of him. I was hoping we’d be able to spend three weeks together. Instead, we didn’t meet up until halfway through my trip, and then we got together on four occasions. As much as I wished he had more time together, it wouldn’t have changed the outcome. I could have spent every single day with him and honestly, I’d probably be feeling a lot worse because my attachment to him would have been so much stronger. I feel lucky to have been able to spent any time with him at all. I finally got to be with him after a lousy meeting three years ago. I finally was able to not hold back and open myself fully, allowing myself to feel and express everything. I finally was able to love him, and though it was brief, it’s so much better than no time at all.

[iwoulddie444u]

July 23, 2021

There’s a large part of me that can’t comprehend the fact that I spent three weeks in London. Three weeks in another country. The longest trip I’ve been on. I hate that I feel as if I didn’t savor my time there enough. Looking back, I wish I would have tried harder to absorb more. I know that I did all that I wanted while I was there, but the fact they are all now distant memories makes it feel like less. Maybe it’s because I didn’t get the outcome I wanted. Shame on me for even having expectations like that. Shame on me for a lot of things. But in the end, I’m proud of what I did. I booked this trip in January with one goal in mind: to be with him. The months leading up to this were not easy. There was a point I got to where I was just so fed up with the silence, the avoidance, where I told him we should just let it go. I stayed strong with that mentality until I got to London. I kept thinking about the reason why I booked this trip, and that this really is the only chance I could ever get in this lifetime.

[iwoulddie444u]

No one follows this blog but I feel the need to make an announcement:

I will be starting up a brief project here. One of the many ways I want to try to heal and express myself.

I can’t believe this blog still exists. I read back my words from 3000+ days ago and I can remember how I felt then, like it isn’t so far away. And even some of those feelings I still carry with me to this day. It’s an odd reminder that even though so much can change, there are a few things that remain.

[iwoulddie444u]

Six Words of Distant Love

You’re too far away from me.

I need you so much closer.

I will never stop loving you.

Please say you feel the same.

I sit here; waiting and waiting.

I’m scared you’ll find someone else.

I want you to be happy.

Whatever happens, don’t forget about me.

[iwoulddie444u]

Four times

You asked me four times Do you not understand the word “No”? You pursued this You wanted this But the sober you regrets it Which made me feel like shit You even tried to make it look Like it was all me. Like I pursued this. But I did want it. The alcohol is to blame For that. If I was in my right mind, I would have rejected the offer. Oh wait, I have Three times. So you’re lucky I was drunk.

[iwoulddie444u]

I Wish I Could Hate You

My eyes Are empty, Shallow, dull, Emotionless. Why did you Take the life Out of me When you left? You don’t need it You don’t use it You don’t even Think about it. Hell, when’s the Last time you Thought about me? It has probably been a while, So fuck you. And tell her I said Hi.

[iwoulddie444u]

Some Months

March

The last time I read your words

We were in the same room

If only I knew at the time.

January

The last time I heard your voice

Would have been nice to see you

Or at least get an answer.

August

The last time I saw your face

I did not expect that to be

The last time.

[iwoulddie444u]

Blur

Time goes by so quickly You blink, The moment’s gone Constantly moving on a high speed carousel Around and Around Eventually it all becomes a blur Streaks of color, nothing more

[iwoulddie444u]

"Blossoms and Bees"

The blossoms and bees; Assurance that spring is here. A new beginning.

[iwoulddie444u]

Will be back shortly!

I have an independent project to do for creative writing where I will be using my own photography as inspiration for poetry. so I'll be posting the photo along with the poem. How exciting.