Consider Our Knowledge

Public Radio's Finest Parody

[considerourknowledge]

Unnecessary War Ends With No Goals Achieved, Everything Way Fucking Worse Than Before

The United States and Iran on Tuesday appeared to signal they were willing to engage constructively during the next round of talks, days after agreeing to a preliminary deal to cease hostilities for 60 days and reopen the Strait of Hormuz. Almost no details pertaining to the critical issues of Iran's nuclear program, ongoing sanctions, or Israel's aggression towards everyone have been solidified, and it is clear that this unnecessary war has permanently affected the global economy. So, thanks to President Dipshit Von Yam Tits and his team of war sluts, everything is much worse off than it was before they started bombing Iran, and none of the goals of the war were achieved at all. Bravo, assholes!

[considerourknowledge]

Malignant Asshole Mercifully Stays Away From Knicks Game 4 Victory

The New York Knicks stunned the San Antonio Spurs on Wednesday by making the largest comeback in NBA Finals history, and taking a 3-1 series lead after OG Anunoby’s putback of a Jalen Brunson miss with 1.2 seconds left. The celebrity-studded crowd at Madison Square Garden was ecstatic, staying long after the game had ended to celebrate the win. President Donald Trump, who jinxed the Knicks in Game 3 by sleeping through the first quarter in owner James Dolan's box, was not on hand for the improbable victory, making it obvious that he is a malignantly unlucky wannabe fan. Trump tried to lie and say he was also at Game 4, but alas, nobody was buying his bullshit. "I was at Game 4. SO GOOD! I was right there behind Taylor Swift and the Law and Order lady. They wanted to have sex with me, but I was focused on the Knicks' HUGE WIN," Trump said on Truth Social.

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U.S. Fans Excited to See What This 'Soccer' Game is All About

With the World Cup just a day away, fans from all over the world will be coming to the U.S., Mexico, and Canada for games. While soccer is the most popular global sport, it is still not as popular in the U.S., despite the fact that it is one of the host nations. "So-cher? Is that how you say it? It sounds like a fun sport," said one U.S. fan who is interested in seeing what the game is all about. The U.S. team is in Group D, alongside Australia, Paraguay, and Turkey, and will play in front of the 10-12 U.S. fans who had the money to buy the exorbitantly priced tickets.

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New York's Least Favorite Son Shows Up, Jinxes Knicks

The Knicks lost their first playoff game in over a month on Monday night, 115-111 to the scrappy San Antonio Spurs, with President Donald Trump in attendance. When a video board showed Trump listening to the national anthem prior to Game 3 of the NBA finals, most of the crowd at Madison Square Garden burst into loud and raucous boos. It was a selfish and unnecessary move by Trump to attend the game as a guest of another unpopular billionaire nepo baby, Knicks shitbag owner, James Dolan. While there is no way to know for sure whether Trump's appearance jinxed the Knicks and caused the loss, it definitely did. Hopefully Trump got the message from the angry crowd that he is as unwelcome in his hometown as the Boston Red Sox, deep dish pizza, and the New York Jets.

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Trump Lies, Melts Down, Shits Pants, Storms Off on 'Meet the Press'

President Trump, who campaigned on a central promise to keep the United States out of overseas wars, lied about it in an interview on NBC's "Meet the Press" on Sunday that he’d ever made the pledge. When questioned by Kristen Welker on a variety of subjects, Trump was combative and angry, lying repeatedly about election fraud, the war with Iran, his $1.8 billion slush fund, and his stupid gaudy ballroom project. Welker was strong and did her best to hold Trump accountable, but it was clear that she had trouble ignoring the fact he had shit himself during the interview. He eventually stormed off like the tantrum throwing child that he is.

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China Developing New Robots That Don't Trip As Much When Dancing

In the face of dancing robots that trip and fall down too much while dancing, China is accelerating its research to develop robots that won't trip as much. China is very concerned that the U.S. will be able to create robots that can dance without tripping or falling over before they can, and so the government has greenlit several programs to develop better dancing robots. It remains to be seen which nation will be able to solve the issue of tripping while dancing first, but the race is on.

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Blanche Has Proven His Nose Suitably Brown to Be Trump's New Attorney General

President Trump has indicated that he plans to nominate Todd Blanche, his butt buddy and acting attorney general, to lead the Justice Department on a permanent basis, elevating a trusted sycophant who has proved willing to execute the president’s ridiculous, vengeful, and illegal demands. Blanche has obviously been a better brown-noser than his predecessor Pam Bondi, who was fired and then promptly got diagnosed with cancer, proving that bad people do face consequences once in a while. If Trump indeed follows through and formally nominates Blanche to the post, it would likely set off a bruising confirmation battle in the Senate where Blanche will have to climb completely inside his boss' ass.

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Credibility Not What CBS is Going For Anymore

CBS News fired longtime journalist and news host Scott Pelley on Tuesday, in a clash over the future of “60 Minutes,” the country’s top-rated news program. At a staff meeting on Monday, he accused the network’s editor in chief, Bari Weiss, of “murdering ‘60 Minutes,’” citing the ouster last week of the program’s leadership team and two on-air correspondents. Weiss, an opinion writer with contempt for legacy media, has been gutting CBS News to remove any vestiges of the network of Murrow and Cronkite, and instead make it a less credible "news" source that serves the aims of her billionaire boss, and Trump sycophant, David Ellison.

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Trump Inexplicably Dismantling Yet Another Thing That Helps People, The Planet

The Trump administration is stupidly dismantling a $368 million deep-ocean observation system that was put in place a decade ago to monitor coastal environments, marine ecosystems and powerful currents that affect the global climate. Scientists have used data from the system to understand how the ocean is absorbing greenhouse gases from the atmosphere, how changes in ocean temperature such as marine heat waves might affect fisheries or signal bigger shifts in the climate, and coastal flooding along the East Coast. But Trump doesn't give a fuck about any of that and would rather spitefully shit all over scientific research than do anything that might help our planet in any way. In a related story, Trump is spending $30 million to stage a UFC fight on the White House lawn.

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CBS Announces 'The MAGA Lib Owning Fun Time Hour' to Replace 'The Late Show'

Stephen Colbert’s long goodbye to late-night TV ends Thursday night when the host of “The Late Show” appears behind his CBS desk for the final time. Colbert, who seemed to be singled out by CBS for taking nightly aim at the Trump Administration, has not been shy about how he feels about being cast aside by the feckless, fearful network. CBS announced last summer that Colbert’s show would end, citing economic reasons after 11 seasons, but it was an obvious move to gain favor with Trump who openly criticized Colbert and CBS. The show replacing "The Late Show" seems to be geared toward pleasing Trump as well. "The MAGA Lib Owning Fun Time Hour" will be the new show in Colbert's timeslot, with a more pro-Trump agenda and guests including Kid Rock, Dean Cain, and Rob Schneider.

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Justice Department Makes It So Nobody Can Ever Be Mean to Trump and His Family Ever Again, No Take Backs, No Erasies

The completely complicit Justice Department has granted President Trump, his family, and businesses ridiculous immunity from ongoing inquiries into their taxes, a potentially lucrative arrangement that could shield the president from significant financial liability. The one-page document, signed by the acting attorney general and Trump's butt buddy, Todd Blanche, said that the government would be “FOREVER BARRED and PRECLUDED from prosecuting or pursuing pending tax claims against Trump, his family members and businesses forever and ever times infinity, no take backs, no erasies!" The provision invited immediate criticism as tax experts raised the possibility that it was illegal. Um, no shit, Sherlock.

[considerourknowledge]

Victor Wembanyama Going to Make Sure Nobody Else Ever Wins Anything in NBA Again

The San Antonio Spurs won a double-overtime thriller over the Oklahoma City Thunder last night in game one of the Western Conference Finals. It was a stunning game that showed everyone that Spurs' Center Victor Wembanyama will be winning every single NBA trophy for the conceivable future. Wembanyama, who is 7'4'' and can do literally everything, said watching Shai Gilgeous-Alexander receive his MVP trophy before Game 1 served as motivation to go off and have a 41 point, 24 rebound game. The historic performance signaled to the world that Wembanyama will destroy any player or team in his path. "We're so fucked," said Gilgeous-Alexander after the game. "I'm glad I've already won some trophies because he's going to win the rest of them for the next 15 years."

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Trump's Sinking Approval Rating Appears Directly Tied to What a Shitty President, Person He Is

Most voters think President Trump made the wrong decision to go to war with Iran, a New York Times/Siena/Penthouse/Cat Fancy poll found, leaving the Republican Party on rocky political footing heading into the midterm elections. Trump’s approval rating, which is directly tied to what a shitty president he is, has sunk to a second-term low of 37 percent amid the deeply unpopular and unnecessary Middle East conflict. Admitting openly that he doesn't care about how the war is affecting Americans economically is just the latest way that Trump is without a doubt the worst president the nation has ever had. It's honestly shocking that 37 percent of people think he is doing a good job, given that he would bilk them out of what little money they have, and step over their corpses for Filet-o-Fish sandwich.

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Archeologists Find Egyptian Mummy Buried With Early Copy of 'Us Weekly'

Archaeologists working in Egypt have discovered a remarkable discovery: a 2,000-year-old mummy with a papyrus fragment of the “Iliad” sealed in a clay packet outside its wrappings. The same mummy also had what appeared to be one of the earliest copies of the gossip magazine, "Us Weekly." It is the first time a literary work has been found playing a functional, spiritual role in the mummification process. “The find is incredibly significant, primarily for the discovery of such a papyrus with Greek literary text, as well as celebrity gossip in its original context,” said Foy Scalf, an Egyptologist at the University of Chicago.

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Trump, Xi Bond Over Gout Symptoms

China’s leader, Xi Jinping, delivered a warning on Taiwan to President Trump as they met for a summit in Beijing on Thursday, saying that the issue, if handled poorly, could lead to conflict and “an extremely dangerous situation.” The summit, the first U.S. presidential visit to China in nearly a decade, could determine whether a détente between the two countries will continue. Those that expected a tense meeting seemed to be wrong, as both Trump and Xi lavished praise on each other and discussed trade, the Middle East, Ukraine, and the Korean Peninsula. Because both men are over 70 and overweight, they bonded over their diets, refusal to drink more water, and crippling gout symptoms. "I do not wear a diaper like the president, but I do have gout like he does, " said Xi. "That makes us more alike than different."

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Keir Starmer As Popular As a Gooner in Tottenham

King Charles III kicked off the new parliamentary session in Britain on Wednesday, reading out the agenda of embattled Prime Minister Keir Starmer in the opening “king’s speech." Starmer is currently fighting a rebellion in his own Labour party that could force him out of office before he has a chance to enact it because he sucks at communicating, has a poor economic record, isn't realistic about his prospects, and appointed a guy who used to hang with Jeffrey Epstein. In short, Starmer is as popular as a Gooner in Tottenham, or a Toffee in Manchester, or a Black Cat on Tyne-side.

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Trump Asks Bush If He Can Borrow His 'Mission Accomplished' Banner

Hoping to dupe the public into thinking that the war in Iran is going well and nearing an end, President Trump is seeking to declare victory by copying one of his predecessors. On Tuesday, Trump called George W. Bush to see if he could borrow his large "Mission Accomplished" banner that Bush hung from the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln when he prematurely declared victory in the war in Iraq in May of 2003. In actuality, the mission was not remotely accomplished, and the U.S. continued fighting in Iraq for eight more years. Trump is seeking a similar P.R. move, hoping to declare victory in an unpopular and unnecessary war that has already gone on far longer than he planned. "So, have you still got that great banner?" Trump asked an embarrassed Bush.