Consider Our Knowledge

Public Radio's Finest Parody

[considerourknowledge]

Trump Filled Three Diapers at Lindsey Graham's Funeral

Increasingly incontinent and senile, President Trump reportedly filled three diapers during the funeral for Senator Lindsey Graham at the National Cathedral in Washington on Tuesday. It was clear from watching those seated near him that the president was openly defecating in his pants during the funeral, where he also dozed off, fumbled with his Tic Tacs, and generally looked like a feeble man fighting off strokes and dementia. A Trump aide who spoke on the condition of anonymity said that Graham's death, coupled with fears of his own mortality, has made Trump's bowels even looser and more problematic lately.

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Dousing Wildfires With Wine Proving to Be Ineffective for Europeans

Firefighters in France and Spain have managed to contain the vast wildfires near Bordeaux and Madrid, at least for now, officials in the two countries said. But they warned that the battle was far from over, with temperatures set to rise on Wednesday. Officials have warned that a combination of prolonged dry weather, gusty winds, extreme temperatures, low humidity, and the European practice of dousing flames with wine, would significantly increase the risk of new wildfires igniting and existing blazes spreading. "We are learning as we go that wine may not be the best thing to put these massive fires out," Laurent Nuñez, the French interior minister, said.

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'It's Probably Just Water' Report Men Standing in Giant Puddles of Piss

For men going to the bathroom at urinals who are standing in large puddles of liquid, they are in for a rude awakening. Over 90% of men seem to think that they are standing in mostly water, when in fact, they are standing in almost 100% other men's piss. The large puddles that are common in men's restrooms are clearly from men who are unable to keep their piss in the urinals and toilets, and instead just pee wherever, including all over the fucking floor like goddamn animals. "It's not water? Ugh, that's disgusting," said one man whose shoes are now covered in pee.

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With Things Going So Well in Iran, Trump Figures He'll Give Nuclear Capability to the Country That Invented 9/11

A deal to provide American nuclear technology to Saudi Arabia, expected to be announced on Wednesday, would represent a major triumph for the kingdom’s crown prince, who has been trying to seal such an agreement for more than five years. Developing a "civilian" nuclear program has been a top goal of Prince Mohammed bin Salman, but experts raised concerns that the kingdom could use the technology to pursue a nuclear weapon, spurring a new Middle East arms race. With things going so amazingly well in Iran, it only makes sense that President Trump would want to further interfere in the world's most volatile region, and give nuclear technology to the country that invented 9/11.

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Popular New British Prime Minister Already Wildly Unpopular

Prime Minister Andy Burnham used his first remarks as Britain’s new leader to proclaim the formation of his government as “the moment when Britain starts to believe again, the moment we bring back hope.” Burnham is a very popular politician from Manchester, replacing the immensely unpopular Kier Starmer, but on his first day he was met with some intense and harsh criticism. Supporters hope Burnham will revive his party’s fortunes, but his popularity is already on the decline thanks to Britain's incredibly hard-to-please and fickle voters. "I loved him this morning, but now I jus don't know. He's really put me off since then," said former Burnham supporter Gwen Dibley.

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Pete Hegseth Would Go Into Battle Himself, But That Wouldn't Be Fair to Iran

After more than a week of strikes that have unraveled an ill-fated cease-fire, the conflict between the United States and Iran stands on a knife’s edge. Now is the time, analysts say, to find a way to draw down an exponentially destructive confrontation, or risk provoking a much wider war. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has been urging for more strikes amid his overall "Rambo without a jockstrap" military policy. When asked recently why he isn't considering going to war himself, given the massive boner it gives him, Hegseth replied, "It'd be over way too quick. We can't rob our brave soldiers of the opportunity to kill our enemies. Plus, if I went over there, it wouldn't be fair to Iran." Hegseth then angrily jerked off into a copy of "The Art of War" by Sun Tzu.

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Remember When Trump Actually Won the 2020 Election? Neither Do We

Crybaby bitch boy President Donald Trump used a lot of alarming words on Thursday night as he addressed the American people about threats to the integrity of elections in the United States: “Deep state.” “Rigged and stolen.” “Conspiring.” “Manipulation.” “Corrupt.” “Fraud.” “Cover up.” The words he should have used were, "Loser." "Lost Fair and Square." "Massive Loss." Trump’s prime-time speech from the East Room of the White House was an astonishing spectacle featuring a president intent on persuading the country that its elections cannot be trusted, at least not the ones where Republicans fall short. Trump knows deep down that the GOP is in some serious shit since he has ruined literally everything in his second term so far, and wants to make sure to get ahead of what could be huge losses in 2026 with a thick fog of bullshit about election integrity.

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Little Cuck Boy Spencer Cox Watches as Trump Rapes His State

President Trump on Monday reduced the size of two national monuments in Utah by nearly 3 million acres, teeing up a legal battle over whether presidents have the power to shrink such sites in the first place. The move was hailed by Utah's limp-dick Gov. Spencer Cox, who has rolled over like a complete bitch for Trump multiple times in recent months. During his first term, Trump similarly shrank both monuments at the urging of shitbag Republicans from Utah, opening about 2 million acres to oil drilling, uranium mining, and other development. Thankfully, Joe Biden restored the protections for the monuments because he actually has a heart and understands that we can't just rape the landscape for profit.

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'Lady G' Mourned in Washington D.C.'s Underground Gay Sex Community

Lindsey "Lady G" Graham, Republican senator from South Carolina, and a onetime opponent turned stalwart ally of President Trump who was a forceful advocate for an interventionist U.S. foreign policy, died on Saturday evening. He was 71. Graham was an unmarried foreign policy hawk, who did everything he could to maintain his conservative bone fides so that it wasn't obvious (it was) that he was a self-loathing closet case known in the underground gay sex community as, "Lady G." President Trump offered his condolences on social media early Sunday, calling Mr. Graham “one of the greatest people and Senators I have ever known.” He was also mourned by the dozens of gay men whom he paid for their discretion. "I loved Lady G, she was one of my favorites. Such a little gossip in the bedroom," said one of Graham's lovers.

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Bonnie Tyler Suffers Eternal Eclipse of the Heart

Bonnie Tyler, the Welsh singer who, with a frosted, teased-up coiffure and a voice both weathered and operatic, soared to No. 1 with “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” one of the titanic pop anthems of the 1980s, died on Wednesday at a hospital in Portugal. She was 75. The death was confirmed in a post on her official Facebook account, saying that she had suffered "an eternal eclipse of the heart." T"otal Eclipse of the Heart,” was her biggest hit, but not her only one. “Take Me Back,” from the same album, made it to No. 46 in the U.S. Riding the synth-pop wave, she hit No. 34 with “Holding Out for a Hero,” from the soundtrack to the 1984 movie musical “Footloose,” starring Kevin Bacon.

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New Swift/Kelce Wedding Details Include Balloon Animals Made by Hugh Grant

Reports of exactly what went on and who was at Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce's lavish Madison Square Garden wedding continue to leak out. From Paul McCartney performing "I Want to Hold Your Hand" to Adam Sandler officiating, it was truly a massive celebrity-laden event. The latest nugget from the reception to come out is that actor Hugh Grant made special balloon animals based on Swift's albums for the guests. Grant reportedly made balloon hearts for "Lover," lighters for "Midnights" trees for "Evermore" and multi-colored balloon headdresses for "Life of a Showgirl."

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As U.S.'s World Cup Run Ends, Trump's Run of Turning Everything to Shit Remains Unbroken

The U.S. men’s national team came into Monday night’s round-of-16 matchup against Belgium with the chance to further galvanize a nation around their World Cup run and to get to a World Cup quarterfinal for the first time since 2002. Sadly, Belgium utterly dominated the USMNT 4-1, in what can only be described as karma, or poetic justice for Donald Trump getting his giant yam tits involved in overturning Folarin Balogun's one-game suspension, and turning everyone in the soccer world against the U.S. team and nation. Rather than just leaving something he has no understanding of alone, Trump's Midas Touch of shit was on full display as the team played its worst game of the tournament, much like how Trump jinxed the Knicks in their game 3 NBA Finals loss. It was an embarrassing stamp on a massively disappointing night for the U.S., but probably deserved, since a win would have come with a giant orange asterisk.

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Corrupt Taints Taint World Cup With Their Corruption

U.S. striker Folarin Balogun will be available to play the USMNT’s World Cup round-of-16 match against Belgium after his one-game red-card ban was suspended, FIFA has confirmed. It was an unprecedented move by FIFA, occurring only after U.S. President Donald Trump called FIFA president Gianni Infantino in the wake of Wednesday’s game to ask for a review into Balogun’s suspension. Although FIFA has long maintained the disciplinary committee is independent, there is no way in the world the corrupt-as-shit Infantino wasn't swayed by the corrupt-as-shit Trump in this matter. Sepp Blatter, the former FIFA head who stepped down because of a corruption scandal, said "Football must never become a playground for political power." So, once again Trump fucking ruined something that was just fine before he weighed in, and his meddling has now created a massive controversy that has tainted a really amazing World Cup.

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Report: This Would Be a Good Year For Aliens to Attack on Independence Day

A new report out this week says that this year would be the perfect time for an alien visitation on July 4th, like the classic summer blockbuster, Independence Day. In the film that stars Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith, aliens attack Earth and lay waste to the White House, among other iconic buildings. "Just come already and finish us off, will you?" says the report. "250 years was a good run for America, we're ready for the alien cleansing." The report further outlines that unlike in the film, the president doesn't need to worry about leaving the White House, and should just stay there.

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Trump Orders All Flags to Half Staff After Death of His 3rd Favorite Village Person

Victor Willis, the lead singer of the Village People who also co-wrote many of the group’s high-camp disco-era hits, including “Y.M.C.A.” and “Macho Man,” died on Monday. He was 74. More recently, Willis has become a polarizing figure because of his association with President Donald Trump, who regularly plays the group’s music at his rallies. On Wednesday, Trump posted a tribute to Mr. Willis on social media. “He was a great and happy guy who loved that I used his group’s song, YMCA, at my Rallies,” Trump said. "He was great, even though I like the construction worker and the sailor guy better." Trump then ordered all flags to half staff.

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Conservative Justices Who Dissented on Birthright Citizenship Decision Want to Make Clear How Little They Value Non-Whites

The insanely conservative Supreme Court mercifully rejected President Trump’s attempt to end birthright citizenship, and the justices reaffirmed the long-held principle that nearly all children who are born on U.S. soil are American citizens. The 6-3 decision capped a more than decade-long effort by Trump to use the issue as a political tool. Three of the court’s conservatives — Justices Clarence Thomas, Neil Gorsuch and Samuel Alito — dissented, and they wanted to make it clear in their dissent how little they value immigrants and non-whites. When asked if he was a massive hypocrite for a dissent that so clearly disadvantages people of color, Justice Thomas, who is black, said, "I may be black, but I'm rich and powerful, so fuck the rest of 'em."

[considerourknowledge]

Even Passports Have His Dumb Fat Face on Them Now

President Trump on Friday revealed the latest version of his likeness appearing on a U.S. passport to celebrate the 250th anniversary of American independence. The renderings for what is being described as a commemorative passport unnecessarily shove Trump's dumb fat face on something that doesn't require it at all. “The U.S.A.’s New Passport, which says, ‘Welcome, but be good!’” Trump wrote of the ridiculous and self indulgent passport in a Truth Social post. 40,000 of the commemorative passports will be available, while supplies last, to U.S. citizens at the Washington Passport Agency, starting on July 6, the State Department said. The passport redesign follows a series of efforts by Trump or his allies to place his name, likeness, or signature on federal properties and programs because he can't help but ruin fucking everything.