In my last post I promised to tell how to build yourself a category of yourself and develop your own confidence. However we can not start that without first knowing some basics about human’s ability to feel shame. I will talk about different types of shame’s. There is shame that is considered good by majority of therapists and then there is shame that is considered as bad one by this same majority of therapists.
What is good shame? Good shame and feeling of guilt walk with hand in hand. When a child does something bad he normally feels guilt of it, also possibly a bit shame which can be considered as embarrasment. However sometimes these children feel the bad shame. It is shame about existing. Feeling of wainting to get accepted by their parents because they need their parents and they are afraid that their parents will abandon them. Why do these children feel that way? What in parents’ behaviour causes it?
Well, usually these humans are referred as ‘shame humans’. They got scared already when they were born or incest, raping, abuse... Such things cause this shame. It is deep shame and it affects the whole person’s personality. The way he thinks and feels. Usually children who were separated from their mother right after their birth into world don’t get the needed connection with their mother. The first days and hours of the baby’s life outside of the womb are extremely important. Even though the baby was separated by taking him to some emergency room or such because he was too small for breast feeding, it still caused the baby a damage to his personality. He got the emotion of ‘not being wanted’ that he was broken or damaged and just not good enough to be accepted. Necessary connection with baby and mother wasn’t there then. On those first hours the mother draws the baby’s lines and basically the baby becomes a whole but if the mother is not there, then the baby won’t have these lines and he might never become completely independent from his parents as an adult. This is a very difficult issue to explain. But this is just one of the cases.
Other cases are such as raping, abuse or incest. They all cause different types of shame but basically this shame in its purest model is the need of being loved and accepted. Parents can easily damage their children’s minds by just using certain type of sentences. For example when the children wants to dress up somehow the mother might say ‘ No, you certainly won’t do that, what will the neighbours think of it too? ‘. Here the mother is expressing that the child is somehow damaged and causes shame for the whole family. It’s the worst kind of sentence to say to a child. For a child the parents are like gods because they need them for surviving. Their words are universal truths for the children. So if the parents judge and criticize their children for how they look like or punish them from showing themselves. The children’s minds become shamehumans’ minds. They try to be good children because they fear that if they don’t they will get abandoned. A big part of the children’s own personality is thrown away. For a good girl her bad sides do not exist anymore. Which leads into stress, anxiety even depression as an adult. The good girl won’t say her own opinions. dress up the way she truly wants to or such because she is afraid of being abandoned by other humans and she is constantly looking for acceptance. With some others it might be opposite. They become rebellious. They isolate themselves from other humans because they don’t want to face any criticism and this leads into more shame. The humans think that they are not supposed to even exist because it’s way too shameful. The shame leads into chronical loneliness, emotional loneliness and social loneliness. Which again causes depression, anxiety, panic disorders and other mental diseases and disorders. Narcissm is also caused by huge shame that the narcisst got to experience during his childhood.
There are different types of shamehumans.
Successfull one - Tries his everything to success but doesn’t feel any satisfaction of things he succeed in.
Victim - victimizes himself and blames others for his suffering and himself for not being accepted.
Leader - Thinks that others cant survive without his organizing skills.
Clown - the one who is always talking and amusing others. Looking for acceptance and attention by this. Can’t stand quiet house or peace, always needs some noise around him. Usually they steal the show alone.
Intelligent one - Looks down on emotional people, only interested in science, very lonely usually because cant find company that matches his intelligence level, doesnt like chitchatting, isnt really interested in other humans.
These stereotypes are just few of many shamehuman stereotypes and I can find many of them in myself as well. When I was a baby, I was separated from my mother right after the birth which lead into me becoming a shamehuman. I was constantly criticized and judged by my mother, grandmother and so on trough my childhood and even still nowadays am. I was the first child in our family. Obviously I got to experience the hardest since my parents were.. well new parents obviously. My parents probably never knew how their actions affected my mind when I was a child. Top of that I got to experience bullying at school during my first years and this is how I became very insecure and almost invicible. I was afraid to open my mouth in the class during my primary school life. It also led me to practice karate which helped me trough junior high school. I had developed myself a role in junior high and that’s why most of other pupils didn’t dare to pick on me. However I was also kind of lonely wolf. I didn’t feel comfortable in groups of people at all. I was rebel and dressed the way I wanted because I was mostly pissed off at my mother from judging me from dressing however I wanted. I did a lot, I had many hobbies and I was very active, constantly looking for my parents acceptance but it was never enough. Even nowadays it feels like I have not gotten it and actually I’m bad at taking criticism from other humans as well. Here I’ve got to tell one case that happened during my high school life. I was assigned to create application lists for our school’s wintersports day and I didn’t know how to do it. Still, I tried to do it and did my best with it. Those weren’t good enough lists so our teacher took me to laptop so that we would do them again together. She was criticizing or more like judging me for doing them wrongly. Basically saying that I hadn’t tried or such. I tried to explain that I didn’t know how to do them expressing that I knew that they weren’t good enough. Then she said to another teacher who was sitting beside us ‘ she can’t take criticism at all and becomes all defensive’ they laughed. Of course this felt really really bad to me and I was seriouslt about to cry. I didn’t understand why didn’t that fuckin’ teacher understand a goddamn word I had said? Was she that full of herself? That’s what I thought of during that moment and I was seriously on the edge of walking out from that room and going home without explaining a thing. I felt that ashamed. After that I started to hate this teacher til the day I graduated. I won’t tell her name here since I respect her privacy, but if she ever got to read this, I really hope that she wouldn’t EVER treat anyone of her students like that again.
I finally got that said. Time to move on forward now then.
How to fix yourself from this shame then? What do you need to understand? I tell here now, those have been raped, abused physically or mentally a lot etc. You guys really do need to meet up with psychologist because you need personal directing and therapy to get over those events. But maybe this will also help you guys understand something very important.
Here’s the key: You are not walking on this planet to please anyone or to be accepted by anyone else, but yourself. Your life is in your hands. Not anyone else’s. You must love yourself and be brave. Be yourself, do what you want. You’ve got only this life here and now. If there is something you want to do but have planned to do it later on during your life, think. The life is here now. Nobody knows what happens tomorrow. Life is unpredictable since everything affects everything. This is the reason for just start doing the things you want to do right now instead of leaving it for ‘better time’. The moment is now.
Also, other people will be there and always judge and criticize you, but the thing is that you mustn’s listen them. Their words are just opinions. Your own opinions are your opinions. You are not perfect human-being. No one will ever be perfect human. We are evolving every day. We are always in ‘the process’. We’ll never be complete. After you can accept this, that you are not perfect, you are not going to be ‘ good human’ or such since like I told in my older post, goodness is not in us. It’s just a substance that we deliver. Still even though we are incomplete, we are all important. We have born into this world for one reason. We are here because of evolution, we are here because of the beauty of life, we are here because we are lucky, we are here to ENJOY of our lives. Enjoy the challenges of our lives, enjoy the happiness in our life, enjoy all the different experiences in this life and the best part is that we will never need to be complete. We can still be satisfied in ourselves just the way we are. The key in developing your confidence is to NOT CARE other people’s opinions. Their opinions do NOT define us. Only WE define ourselves. We are the royals on this planet. Remember this people!
Then here is few practices you can do in order to develop yourself. Go to shower. Let the water fall down on you for 10-15 minutes straight and make sure that it touches every part of your skin. At same time think about how it feels, enjoy its gentle touch. Imagine seeing the waves of the ocean that hit the seashore or small waterfalls somewhere in the forests. Try hear their sound and let it calm you down. Imagine how the fresh wind of these places that you can hear hissing in trees’ leaves, blows new air into you and gives you energy for the near future ahead of you. If you want you can also take some relaxation music like this to the shower room, the key is to not let the shower be too loud so that you can focus on listening. After this, dry yourself and go lay into your bed naked. Cover your body with your blanket and lie on your side the way you would in your mother’s womb. Close your eyes. Focus on how the sheets feel against your skin. If you fall asleep or become comfortable, change position. Lay on your back. Wait til you are comfortable and eventually remove the blanket and just lay there. Focus on how the air feels on your skin. After this go stand front of a mirror and look at yourself. That’s you. Only you in this world. You are a human. Just a human. Nothing more, nothing less. You can do whatever you want with your life. No one else can ever tell who you are or what you want to be or do. They can not tell what is good or what is bad as universal truths. Only as their own opinions that reflect their own life. You must focus on your own life. Look at the parts of your body from mirror that you like and smile. You are incomplete but you can always develop yourself to the direction you want to. Even though you’ll never be complete totally.. You can still be the way you want to be or at least close to it. It’s not good, It’s not bad. It’s just you.
In my next post, I will probably talk about how to use non-verbal communication for evolving your mental confidence in social situations.
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