Relationship. Marriage. Both of these needs trust to be able to go through all the way into heaven.
17th February 2019. A date that I will never be able to forget. My broken trust. By him. My most precious person in my whole life. Now I finally know how love,one of the most beautiful feeling on earth is also one of the most painful thing you've ever felt in your whole life. He is my first love and I want him to be my last.
On that day,in the morning, I woke up earlier than usual. I looked at him and smile like I always do every time I woke up. I took his phone when he went to the bathroom for a shower. My phone has been broken,so i've decided to borrow his phone for a while. I open his phone as usual. As usual,I open whatsapp but what I see next is unusual.
It's a conversation of an archived messages. Between him and someone names "Ai". The conversation inside is unlike anything i've ever seen before. I've read every single line of their conversation. Line by line. The conversation started from 5th February until 17th February. They're sexting each other!!! I was shocked. My mind felt numb. I hope that it was a mistake. A nightmare. Piece by piece my heart is broken reading them. Line by line. I dont want to believe my own eyes. I reread it,and yet it's the truth. It's not a dream.
I immediately called him and showed him the messages. I ask him, "is this true? Who is she?" He looked down and slowly said, "It's true. I knew her from Baitulmuslim,long before I met you. I'm so sorry."
I went quiet. I was speechless. I just can't believe what i've just heard. I thought this situation only happens to others or in a drama, not me. Why me? Is it because I've been a very bad muslim? Bad wife? My tears immediately rolled down my cheeks 😭, I cried and cried. I asked him...
"Why? Why do you do this to me? 5th February? I'm sleeping with you at the time. 15 & 16th February??? You sexting her while we're on our honeymoonnnnn????!!!! 17??? Even last night? You asked her to video call with you while I was just outside of the room watching tv???!!! How could you??? If you are so horny that much, why can't you just ask me??? Why must you ask another woman? Why???" I cried endlessly. My tears just wont stop. I felt heartbroken. I still am. I feel so disappointed with him. I trusted him. Now I finally knew why my mother doesn't want me to be a housewife. I'm always with him 24/7, even after he's unemployed, I accepts him for who he is and yet he still cheats on me??? Why??? 😭
I cried. I screamed. I even threatened him that I wanted to commit suicide. I just couldn't handle it at the time. My mind went haywire. I felt I might go crazy. I really do love him. That's why it hurts like hell. It really hurts. It felt like there was something piercing my heart, it felt so painful. Sadness overwhelms me. This time even more than when I got miscarried. I even felt the need to write a diary to make this pain goes away. He cried and begging me to forgive him. He said he was sorry a gazilion times. He told me that they never even met. He lost to his own lustful desire. He knew that it was all his fault. He's not grateful for what he has. He wanted more. A few hours later after I finally had calmed down, I told him that I will give him another chance to redeem himself. I forgive him. But with one condition. He will have to buy this house we are now living in all on his own, but the owner's name will only be me and not him. At least if anything happens after this, I already have my own house. No more sharing. My trust to him from 90% has now diminished to 30%. I no longer trust him much like before. He gave his phone to me. He promises and swears that he will no longer use his phone while he's with me. I even offered him to go and marry that woman. I myself will help him to propose her. I did. I whatsapped her afterwards telling her that I've read their messages. She said she didn't even want him. Haha. And yet she still replied his messages? What a joke. I know it's his fault too,but if she's really not interested, why did she started it? And keeps on answering him if she's really not that interested to him? She even had sent her own naked picture to him before this. No wonder he can't forget her,typical men. Men can't resist sexy women,right? Bertepuk sebelah tangan takkan berbunyi. It takes two to tango. However,fortunately she keeps on resisting him,and shows that she's not interested to layan him much because of his profile picture shows that he's already married with me. Well,at least she still has that common sense,not to disturb suami orang. I even offered her to marry him if she want to, if she do, I will gladly give him up to her and no longer interested be marrying him any longer. She said,nope, she doesn't want him. Figures.
Hours turns to days, it's still difficult for me to forget what had happened. This event still broke my heart. Badly. And I dont think it will ever be forgotten. Yes, I had forgive him. But forget? It takes time. Trust? Nope, I wont be fooled anymore. I have decided that divorce is the last option. Allah permits it but Allah hates it. Thus, as long as we can still fix it, we will be together. Divorce will be our last option. But if the same thing happens again? Nope,no more compromise. No second chances from me. I would rather be single,than polygamised in an unhealthy and lack of trust marriage. Thank you Allah for showing me the path,for making me strong. For reminding me that no love is eternal except our love to You. Thank you for everything and please pray for me that I'll be strong to go through each days after this even stronger. Peace.❤
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