---

safe haven

[juansendizon]

“There will always be a person who looks like a poem the earth wrote to keep you alive.”

— Juansen Dizon

[j-4689]

Tangled yarns

reasons exist and I ignore them blindly

Your actions cut deep And I walk away slowly

Maybe one way or another, We're just intended to pass And not stay with each other.

Maybe I was meant to be wandering around the world, To look for myself and explore my prime years

In this world full of tangled yarns, I am meant with the tied knot across this string

Maybe the story never ended, Rather, it was meant to pause— To heal, to enjoy, to transform

Then once things fall into place, The path towards our string comes forward with no force, but was destined to come back circling And make things right

[j-4689]

On repeat

I'll eat and sleep, And eat and sleep. Did well in my academics

… Lessen my appetite So I could be who you like

All my garments lose their hold Now, will I be less old?

… Combed my hair Brushed my teeth Just to look… clean and neat

"You're beautiful" "You're looking neat." Why does it seem like You're just on repeat?

"You're beautiful" "You look neat." Repeat.

[j-4689]

It's unexpected to feel the fire again after a long time pause. I feel my words wants to cut through a paper once again. It's me and you again, pens and papers, against the world. Feel my breath as I breathe my words unto you. Be alive. Feel my warmth. Feel my lonely soul. Fill in my emptiness until my words come to fade, and until my mind come blank space.

[j-4689]

Kahit ilang beses pa siguro ako dumanas ng hinanakit, mananataling parehas ang bigat sa bawat yugto ng dalamhati. Hilingin ko mang 'wag na ko dumating sa punto na 'to, hihilingin ko pa rin namang maranasan 'to para masabing "buhay" pa ako. Hsjdjakjahaha. Ang sakit lang. Nakakabingi ang katahimikan.

[j-4689]

And here I am in this old red and blue swing

Rocking myself anxiously to swing

Like how ringing bells is used to sing

The negativities that life bring

...

I was here last year

In the same old spot

In the same old view

Will I ever hear again

Your 'I love yous?'

I had never thought to be this blue

Is that how you made the little things in me

Absorb and scatter your desired hue?

[j-4689]

I kinda miss writing.

Tipong naeexcite pa ko magsulat at mag express ng feelings in free form kaya di ko na napapansin yung technicalities kasi yung sole purpose ko lang naman para magsulat ay ipahiwatig yung nararamdaman ko.

Sa mga gawa ko noon na literary pieces na-amaze rin ako kung paano ko napagtagpi-tagpi 'yung mga salitang hindi ko naman ganoon kilala. Sumagi lang sila sa isip ko pero tugma naman pala. Nakakatuwa lang maalala.

Tuluyan ko nang binitawan 'yung pag gawa ng tula, pagsisimula ng mga storya, at pagpapagalaw ng malikot kong isip. Do'n kasi ako nagsimulang sumulat nung dumating ka at sa pagtigil ng nakasanayan ko na 'yon, unti-unti ring nawala 'yung pagtingin ko sa'yo.

Oo, nakausad ako. Pero mabagal. Sobrang bagal. Simula nung bitawan ko na lahat ng ginagawa ko, para bang tumigil na rin umikot 'yung mundo ko. Nakikisabay na lang talaga ako sa agos ng buhay. Lalo akong nanahimik. Sumasagi na lang sa isip ko kung ano ba talagang silbi ko sa mundong 'to. Blankong-blanko na ako. Hindi ko na alam 'yung dapat kong gawin. Basta may ginagawa ako, 'yun na 'yon. Nakakaluwag sa loob kapag may nagagawa ako sa isang araw, para bang may halaga ako.

Kung hindi lang nakakatakot mamatay, pinili ko na 'yon e. Hindi ko rin naman kasi maramdaman halaga ko sa mundo. Parang display lang ako, ganon. Pero 'yon. Nandito pa rin ako. Humihinga, nagpapahinga, nagpapatuloy. Pero parang mas gusto ko talagang mag isa.

[j-4689]

This is what I found out regarding you. Read or nah

Hello! Happy Birthday, love!

To be specific enough, Happy 20th(?) birthday tama ba? HAHAHA basta ‘yan bilang ko e HAHAHA.

For the past 20 years of your life, thank you na agad! Thank you for existing! Pero alam mo ba, February 18 lang ngayon pero sinusulat ko na ‘to. Hindi naman sa advance, gusto ko lang huehue. Hindi man ako ang mauna na bumati sa’yo sa mismong birthday mo, ako naman ang pinaka-unang babati sa’yo months before your birthday :P. Laptop gamit ko ngayon e, share ko lang. Tapos, 1:39 am na HAHAHA. Hindi ka rin naman magagalit na kasi sabi mo hindi naman ako nakikinig sa’yo. Alam ko namang ayaw mo akong nagpupuyat, busy din ako ngayon e HAHAHA. Actually hinihintay kita ngayon, hindi kasi ako nag ‘goodnight’ sa’yo kahapon, nainis kasi ako ulit HAHAHA SORRY NA NASSTRESS KA NA BA SA’KIN HAHAHAHA KASI GAGALINGAN KO PA HAHAHAHAH JOKE LANG po. Mga ½ pwede na. DE, joke na NGA LANG KASE.

‘HBD Love’ na lang muna kasi ‘di pa rin ako sure sa pinaka name mo. To be honest, as much as possible iniiwasan kong gamitin mga name at pics na sinesend mo. Alam mo kung bakit? Ayaw ko kasing isipin mo na hindi ako sa’yo mismo may gusto. Baka isipin mo na naman na “minahal mo ang ginamit ko at hindi mismo ako..” Para safe lang, ayaw kong mag isip ka ng ganon ih. So next time na lang. Pero July 19 na nga pala birthday na sinabi mo ‘di ba? Sige, buong July na lang birthday mo para sure ball na talaga. HAHAHA.

I really have no single pint of idea right now, I don’t even know kung meron pa bang tayo sa panahong ‘to? But please don’t disregard this letter of mine for you, just read it and reminisce the memories we once had together (virtually) hahahahah. It’s sad to know and be slapped with the reality that I can’t have you on dates, kahit na makailang beses na ako sa Intramuros. There are times na ‘di ko na lang pinapaalam, basta nagpopost na lang ako sa main account ko sa twitter na nandon ako sa Intra nagala, wala lang hahaha nasaktan ako nang malupit nung “una” sana nating pagkikita. Nevertheless of the happenings, we may see each other or not, I am claiming a beautiful and wonderful birthday to you! Isipin mo ‘yon, I’ve been waiting for you for five years HAHAHA grabeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I never thought that simple “Nandito si Nadine” will end up to this, waiting for you, my unknown lover. Fkaksjdlfjsk. It hurts but it’s already bearable and I still believe that good things are worth the wait kahit sobrang hirap at challenging! I may seem to be hoping right now for something, (probably kung ano ‘yung sumasagi ngayon sa isip mo,) It’s just the fact that I am embracing the could-have-beens of us, na malay ko, malay mo, malay nating lahat, na posible pala. Pero kung ano mang maging ihip ng hangin, salamat pa rin kasi naramdaman ko ‘yung pagmamahal na ibinahagi ko sa’yo, naramdaman ko ‘yung literal na pahinga at legit na saya kapag nagkakausap tayo kahit sa maikling panahon lang.

We may always push and pull in this relationship, but always be remembered of how I offered my genuine love for you. It’s all for you and only for you. Hindi ko mauulit ‘yan sa iba if ever man na ‘yun talaga ‘yung tadhana natin, hindi ko rin ‘yan maooffer sa iba. Save it for yourself, I hope that the love I served will always be remembered by your heart even it may be forgotten by your mind. At sana, hindi man maging sapat ‘yung pagmamahal ko para manatili ka, sana maging sapat naman ‘yon para manatili ka sa mundong ‘to. Ayokong mawala ka, kaya hangga’t maaari pinaparamdam ko sa’yong mahal kita. Hindi man ako sapat, pero sana maging rason naman ‘yung pinaramdam ko sa’yo para lumaban ka sa buhay. Masarap mabuhay kahit putangina ng lahat; damhin mo pa rin ‘yung kirot, sakit, pagod at luha na dulot ng buhay. Nakakatukso mang magpahinga na, masarap pa ring matuklasan ang gandang bubungad pagkaraos ng sakuna na dulot ng buhay. Wala namang masarap kung walang pait, wala ding saya kung walang lungkot. May mga bagay talagang magkasalungat pero magkasama pa rin. Ituloy mo rin ‘yung relationship mo with God, napansin ko namang malapit ka sa kanya. Keep praying, He’s always saving you in ways you don’t expect.

I may not be your last, but rest assured that a part of me will always love you the same way I loved you for the first time.

[j-4689]

mas makahulugan nga talaga siguro ang mga salita na nabibitawan kapag dumaranas ka ng hinanakit na tagos sa puso, kaysa sa mga salitang pumapalibot sa ulo kapag ang kasiyahan ang nararanasan mo. 

[j-4689]

You were there in my dreams and I hugged you so tight—assuming that with that warmth I offer, it spoke the thousand words I can't fully express to help you ease the pain.

It felt real. But a bit cautious. It probably was real, and I wished it took longer.

I miss you, honestly.

Should I still be waiting for you?

[j-4689]

I decreased my love for you when I controlled myself to write.

Writing was not my first and full-potential skill, it came when you showed me. It happened to be my solace in times I'm in despair. And you were those nouns, too.

Learning to drift away from something that made me happy, wrecked me into pieces. It isn’t easy moving away from someone/something I used to love fully, it was completely devastating down to my core.

Up until now, I'm continuously grasping for you, waiting for you, and I'm still loving you. I'm bringing back all the things I've removed, since you're here, again.

But, it is not easy to bring back things you had challenged to remove. It is another feeling, it is a new decision, it is a new beginning, again.

And I can't do it again. I'm loving you a-new, but not too much as if it is our last as lovers again.

This time, I learned to love myself a little less harmful.

[j-4689]

Loving you from afar is heavy, difficult, bothering, selfish, and a roller coaster ride. One day I'm so inlove with you, one day, I'm doubting every single thing that you do.

This thing's exhausting, I want to break free. Chats no longer do me a favor, emojis don't seem to project the emotions I want to perceive, sweet messages don't make me immeasurable, everything that we're both used to makes me weak.

What's with the sudden doubt? What's with the changing ways of approach? Have I lost this thing or have I lost the idea of converting things to reality?

Or have I accepted that I'll never have you whether I've tried my best or not?

[j-4689]

Maybe

Then maybe, I loved myself at times I realize I wasn't really into you...anymore

At times I seek for a merrier space, a happier crowd; At times I see myself smiling because of the ignorance I did whenever you are around and even when you're not, to avoid pain; At times I imagine and gasp for air and freedom to finally breathe uncontrollably and be proud to do what I fear the most—to leave;

I, haven't done it yet, but I feel it into my nerves coming. Yet I'm still holding on like there's no pain, just to gain and continuously look forward to what's ahead of us.

Maybe I loved myself a little more when I honestly speak of what I really feel and think about you and about us.

You know how scared I am to face things with the truth untold.

And maybe, it was in honesty that I found where really I was, where really I am, and where I will be really going.

Maybe, you see me as a convenience. That's why you're alarmed with what you are going to lose—me, gradually drifting away; so you pulled me in and filled my gruesome thoughts with tapestry of your magical words. And for a minute, my thoughts were revamped.

I looked away and took a step forward, and pulling me in is not as hard as it was like making you fall all over again into the depths of this mystery we're in.

I am perplexed and perhaps distressed with the cycle of letting go and holding on,

Because it was never easy, and it will never be easy to get over you, whom I expected to end up with for the rest of my life. Because maybe, everything is worth the pain and struggle just to be with you, forever.

Then maybe, that's when I'll learn to love myself a little more than I do today.

[j-4689]

Huling Sandali

Sige, gagawa muli ako ng tula

Para sa'yo sinta

Kahit isinantabi ko na

Ang aking papel at itim na tinta

Hindi ko mawaring tumigil sa pagsulat

Sapagkat dito ako nagsimula't namulat

Napahinto lang naman ako saglit

Hindi ba pwede pa namang, bumalik ulit?

Ayoko na sana pang lumingon

Ngunit mapipigilan mo ba ang puso kong nagpupumilit umahon?

Naghihikayat gumuhit at sumulat

Ng tulang iaalay sa'yo kahit pa'y makalat

Makalat na parang pag-ibig natin

Hindi malaman kung sadyang bitin

O kailangan lang bang ulitin

at simulang muli natin

'Di ko na mapigilan pa ang pag-ibig ko sa'yo

Dahil ikaw lang ang siyang nakapukaw sa mata ng puso ko

Napako ako sa'yo at 'di na makaalis pa

Ayos lang mahal, 'di naman ako magpupumiglas na lumayas pa

Alam kong isang katangahan na paulit-ulit mahulog sa patibong na ito

Pero ito ang siyang patuloy na nagpapatibok sa puso ko

Wala na akong pake kung saan pa 'to mapunta

Basta ikaw lang ang aking pintura

Pinturang nagkukulay ng mundo ko

Malagay man sa dingding o bato

Handa akong hamakin ang mundo kasama ka mahal ko

Sa hirap man o ginhawa

Umasa kang sasamahan kita

Patawad mahal dahil nagsambit ako ng mga salita

Na hindi ko man lang naisip mabuti kung magbibigay ba ng luha sa 'yong mga mata

Patawad sa puso kong 'di mapigil

Sapagkat ikaw lamang ang hingil

Sa bugso ng damdaming ikaw marahil

Ang sanhi't bunga

Nais kong ipaalam sa'yo

Na hindi pa ako tapos magmahal

Ako'y nagpapahinga lang

At naglilibang

Upang mahalin kang muli

Sa tamang panahon

Sana'y 'di mo mawari na ako'y hanapin

Pagbigyan natin ang tyansang 'di man lang nabigyang pansin

Malay natin kung sumang ayon naman pala

Ang tadhanang pinaniniwalaan nating naghihiwalay sa ating dalawa

"Kahit sandali patawarin ang pusong 'di mapigil

Sana'y tayong dalawa sa huling pagkakataon

Na ika'y magiging akin"

Kahit maranansan ko na lang na tawagin kang "akin"

Kahit sandali, maaari bang pagbigyan?

Maging tayo man sa huli o hindi

Patuloy pa rin kitang mamahalin sa malayo

Kahit ba na hindi mapagbigyan ang "tayo"

Bakit ba ako patuloy na sumusugal sa matagal nang talo

Eh sa nananaig pa akong mananalo

Ang laban na tinatahak ko

Kahit pa'y talo na bawat segundo

Pakialam ko ba sa sinasabi ng iba

Eh mahal kita

Mababago mo ba?

Sasang ayon akong wala sa ngayon

Pero aasa pa rin akong meron sa kabilang nayon

Sabi ko naman sa'yo

Patuloy akong susugal

Kahit na ang puso mo'y parang bakal

Malaman mo lang na ikaw lang talaga ang mahal

Hindi na ako maghahanap pa ng iba

Ikaw pa lang, higit na sa sapat pa

Dito ko na muna tatapusin ang aking tula

Pero patuloy pa rin akong magdadasal na mataimtim at may luha

Baka sakaling marinig ng Maykapal ang dalangin ko

Na ikaw na nga ang siyang nais ibigin ko

Tama na 'to

Sobra na ang pag ibig ko sa'yo

Magpapahinga na muna siguro

at babalik na lamang muli

Kapag may matatawag ng "tayo."

[j-4689]

Suicide bag

You can't be the loot I'd jump to, You can't be at risk to save me, You just can't be. Save yourself, I'll suit myself. I can't risk you too, because of the uncertainties in my head. I'll make it again, just give me a little time to spare and re-set my mind. So, run free and don't look back at me.

[j-4689]

I guess I'm drunk

Maybe I was too confident that you'll love me back the way I love you. Little did I know, I was being a high risk taker that will eventually leave the biggest damage on myself. So I did tossed all the worries and got dizZy. Suddenly, the mask I've been waiting for appeared after it was fermented on my stomach. And so, I cried all the "pain" thinking I was safe from all the damages I will bear soon after I gain full consciousness. And to you behind all these, I still love you, will still love you, and maybe I'll be risking again for you. But wait, I am drunk, right?

[j-4689]

And after all these time, I'm still into you. And maybe even if the time goes old, I'll still be into you. Nothing will change my love for you no matter what changes the path I am going. You'll always be my home and my only one, even if you think 'you're nothing'. We did split ways but I don't think it's the end. I'm looking at it as our new beginning for ourselves. And maybe someday we'll cross ways, and continue the love we once had. Happy birthday, in advance, love. Always be safe.