jaaymark

a genuinely good person with a genuinely fucked up moral compass

[jaaymark]

selfish

maybe that’s all that i am

(and insecure, too)

[jaaymark]

unfortunately

what’s crazy 

is that i did not learn how to be a family

from my own

[jaaymark]

loving you

meant not loving myself

so i left

[jaaymark]

if you don’t love me

then leave me

[jaaymark]

until now

i never knew what “do you love me or the idea of me,” meant

[jaaymark]

maybe one day

i won’t feel like such a problem

[jaaymark]

quiet

they wonder why i never talk about you

and it is because i am afraid

[jaaymark]

i always hear things about you

and i always hope that this time, it might be good things.

it never is.

[jaaymark]

there’s things i want to say to you

but i’ll just let you live

[jaaymark]

hey stranger

it’s been awhile

[jaaymark]

no one

has ever fought for me

i dont always want to fight for me, either

[jaaymark]

happiest

i’ve ever been :’) 

[jaaymark]

don’t ask if im happy

you know that im not but at best i can say im not sad 

[jaaymark]

shallow

in all the good times i find myself longing for change and in the bad times i fear myself

[jaaymark]

i wonder

why we don’t talk about romantic affection 

as if it’s something we can’t get hooked on 

or addicted to 

[jaaymark]

i could fall asleep like this

i was grazing my fingers against your fade. it just looked really nice. and then u reached up to grab my hand and held it against your face, my palm cradling your cheek. i hugged u more than anything, and for whatever reason, i apologized. i just needed a hug; we all need more hugs, don’t we? besides, you smelled good. and you were so warm.

- to be continued in some other universe; hopefully, they’re having the time of their lives

[jaaymark]

july 10, 2017

I’m not sure what to do.

i love him so much. so fucking much. but is this what it’s supposed to feel like? i feel nothing but fear. the voice inside my head says that he will find someone new. someone who texts better. someone who has more confidence. someone who isn’t weighed down by his shitty past.

but the voice inside my head also says that i can’t do this. that i may not be strong enough to weather the distance. that maybe i am meant to keep breaking and that i am meant to keep fixing myself because the act of picking up my pieces tricks myself into thinking i am doing something productive. that i am becoming “better”.

my heart is preparing itself for you to break up with me.