a candid honest look at me, if this image of my stretch marked flabby body in anyway grosses you out, offends disgusts or repels you I hope you unfollow me. you aren’t my peer you aren’t someone I need to have following my work you are the problem not me.
for most of my life I had no honest view of what I look like. in my youth I saw myself in very skewed ways. through the words and definitions of other people. 20 years ago 17 year old me was 175 pounds the world had me convinced I was fat, disgusting and worthless. when women showed any interest in me I was generally convinced it was because of superficial things I skated, I sang in bands & tended to be surrounded by lots of “cool” people. I couldn’t take me shirt off in public and in general struggled with the cruel things the world had to say about how I looked or what sort of shape I was in.
over the years I have struggled with controlling my weight. I have fluctuated and yo yo’d many many times 300+ lbs down to 200 up to 325 down to 190 up to 380 down to 250 up to 450. I know diet and exercise work for me but keeping myself from over indulging is always an impossibility. I think I’d been battling mild depression my whole life. I think I self medicated with alcohol & food. but no matter what weight I was still just worthless I still felt and saw myself as disgusting. I had minor manageable anxiety and panic issues that I chose to deal with through modifying my behaviors and limiting my exposure to my triggers.
on May 16th 2014 I had the gastric sleeve (the removal of about 80% of my stomach a means of forced portion control) procedure performed. I weighed in at 452 pounds that day. almost 9 month later and yes I have lost a lot of weight obviously but I am conflicted and challenged by the worlds reactions to this. while it’s nice to hear compliments from long time friends & acquaintances things like “you look so good now” really just make me feel weirder and less in touch with who I surround myself with. I don’t care anymore about how anyone sees me. I don’t care about the opinions positive negative cruel or complimentary or otherwise. it’s been a long time coming. I spent a year in therapy digging and trying to find myself, to give myself some sense of worth and happiness.
for now, I feel balanced. I feel better physically. I have regained flexibility. I am putting together a skateboard, buying a bicycle & planning hikes. I am gonna take my shirt off when I go to the beach. I am going to hopefully never look back and finally give myself the freedom we all deserve.
-jesse
What a great post and I just love those tats. Don’t like that I posted this? I think the unfollow button is on the right if you hover over my AVI. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on that way out. ;)
Why does everyone have to like what other people look like n why do u give a shit what people think.
thank you stackhous ,seriously. you are of course correct. though your 1st reblog telling me to “suck it up” not so much. I posted this for myself…to allow myself to open a dialogue with some strangers who may or may not feel what I do. if you voice your opinions on my body or anyone’s body for that matter you are giving them reasons to care and that is the issue at the root of this. the power that other people words wield. especially when in the context of what tends to be the popular & acceptable opinion in today’s society. I am a psychologically broken person. not that we will get too into it right now but I was treated pretty poorly growing up. I did suck it up. I bottled it all up and in the end (in the opinion of my therapist at least) it did more much more harm than good. I am working on sucking it up but in new ways, one of those ways is to not allow bullies to convince me my feeling thoughts or any part of me is invalid. so thank you again for helping make a point to myself. I am not the problem you are
Jesse!! What a fantastic post, equal to how great a guy you are. So happy you are finding peace… It is well deserved, and overdue. It is such a long, painful battle to fight but the little victories make it worth it. I am so glad you said something about how others lead us to believe our feelings are invalid. It is so far from the truth. The plethora of feelings everyone goes through every day make the world turn and keep us human… At least thats how I see it! Sending good thoughts your way neighbor :)
A very powerful post. People who have never struggled with yo-yoing weight and obesity have absolutely no idea how difficult it is, especially psychologically. Society treats us as subhuman, not worthy of basic civility and respect; it can be incredibly demeaning. And may I say, I think you’re very handsome and brave, Jesse!
queenbee1981:
thisishelenlorraine:
jacaldwellphoto:
stackhous:
kitteninlouboutins:
jacaldwellphoto:
a candid honest look at me, if this image of my stretch marked flabby body in anyway grosses you out, offends disgusts or repels you I hope you unfollow me. you aren’t my peer you aren’t someone I need to have following my work you are the problem not me.
for most of my life I had no honest view of what I look like. in my youth I saw myself in very skewed ways. through the words and definitions of other people. 20 years ago 17 year old me was 175 pounds the world had me convinced I was fat, disgusting and worthless. when women showed any interest in me I was generally convinced it was because of superficial things I skated, I sang in bands & tended to be surrounded by lots of “cool” people. I couldn’t take me shirt off in public and in general struggled with the cruel things the world had to say about how I looked or what sort of shape I was in.
over the years I have struggled with controlling my weight. I have fluctuated and yo yo’d many many times 300+ lbs down to 200 up to 325 down to 190 up to 380 down to 250 up to 450. I know diet and exercise work for me but keeping myself from over indulging is always an impossibility. I think I’d been battling mild depression my whole life. I think I self medicated with alcohol & food. but no matter what weight I was still just worthless I still felt and saw myself as disgusting. I had minor manageable anxiety and panic issues that I chose to deal with through modifying my behaviors and limiting my exposure to my triggers.
on May 16th 2014 I had the gastric sleeve (the removal of about 80% of my stomach a means of forced portion control) procedure performed. I weighed in at 452 pounds that day. almost 9 month later and yes I have lost a lot of weight obviously but I am conflicted and challenged by the worlds reactions to this. while it’s nice to hear compliments from long time friends & acquaintances things like “you look so good now” really just make me feel weirder and less in touch with who I surround myself with. I don’t care anymore about how anyone sees me. I don’t care about the opinions positive negative cruel or complimentary or otherwise. it’s been a long time coming. I spent a year in therapy digging and trying to find myself, to give myself some sense of worth and happiness.
for now, I feel balanced. I feel better physically. I have regained flexibility. I am putting together a skateboard, buying a bicycle & planning hikes. I am gonna take my shirt off when I go to the beach. I am going to hopefully never look back and finally give myself the freedom we all deserve.
-jesse
What a great post and I just love those tats. Don’t like that I posted this? I think the unfollow button is on the right if you hover over my AVI. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on that way out. ;)
Why does everyone have to like what other people look like n why do u give a shit what people think.
thank you stackhous ,seriously. you are of course correct. though your 1st reblog telling me to “suck it up” not so much. I posted this for myself…to allow myself to open a dialogue with some strangers who may or may not feel what I do. if you voice your opinions on my body or anyone’s body for that matter you are giving them reasons to care and that is the issue at the root of this. the power that other people words wield. especially when in the context of what tends to be the popular & acceptable opinion in today’s society. I am a psychologically broken person. not that we will get too into it right now but I was treated pretty poorly growing up. I did suck it up. I bottled it all up and in the end (in the opinion of my therapist at least) it did more much more harm than good. I am working on sucking it up but in new ways, one of those ways is to not allow bullies to convince me my feeling thoughts or any part of me is invalid. so thank you again for helping make a point to myself. I am not the problem you are
Jesse!! What a fantastic post, equal to how great a guy you are. So happy you are finding peace… It is well deserved, and overdue. It is such a long, painful battle to fight but the little victories make it worth it. I am so glad you said something about how others lead us to believe our feelings are invalid. It is so far from the truth. The plethora of feelings everyone goes through every day make the world turn and keep us human… At least thats how I see it! Sending good thoughts your way neighbor :)
A very powerful post. People who have never struggled with yo-yoing weight and obesity have absolutely no idea how difficult it is, especially psychologically. Society treats us as subhuman, not worthy of basic civility and respect; it can be incredibly demeaning. And may I say, I think you’re very handsome and brave, Jesse!
can’t hardly believe that there’s almost 3,000 notes on this. it was the first time I ever posted anything so personal ad revealing. it was very much a relieving experience. it’s just one small step towards a life of accepting and loving myself, but it feels bigger than it really is.
in twelve days it will be a year since I had weight lose surgery. in twelve days (15th-22nd) I will be away on vacation in the Bay Area. so I probably won’t have a chance to really take any photos of myself.
it will be the first time the “new” (old) me will be on a get away. I’m just looking forward to being outdoors & the liberation that comes from walking everywhere, not needing to take cabs from one place to another. I am gonna bring my Fitbit out of retirement to track some of the mileage we do but I’m hoping to hit 7-11 miles at least a couple of days. maybe rent some bikes with the babe and just cruise around. it’s such simple things but I am the most stoked on them.