{You're in the Wright Place}

This is my journey as a Mother to Jackson, and our Angel Grayson, a wife, a student, a teacher, a friend.

[jackandgray1618]

3 weeks

It’s only been 3 weeks. How has it only been 3 weeks since we learned the news you were gone? I feel a lot of guilt that life carries on with out you. I get sad when I walk by a mirror and no longer see my bump with you safely inside. I know that the closer we get to your due date the harder it’s going to feel with out you here. I’m still so sad you had to go. It still hurts so much and it’s still so hard for me to accept. I don’t know why we have to carry on with out you. I don’t know why your brother doesn’t get to meet you. My heart misses you. I love you Gray.

[jackandgray1618]

[jackandgray1618]

Pride

My husband told me last night he was proud of my strength through this loss. It was one the most important things he’s ever said to me. It reassured me and it made me feel as though my husband was proud of me for how I’ve handled myself on this journey. I don’t think he realizes how important is it to me to know that I’ve made him proud. He is the most important man in my life and I strive every single day to make him proud of me and proud to be with me.

[jackandgray1618]

Answers

We had our follow up appointment today and learned what took little Grayson away so early. In my first trimester I contracted a virus called CMV. I passed that virus onto Grayson and it overtook his little growing body. Had Grayson lived his life would have been significantly altered and challenging. While this news brings us answers and gives us hope to try again, it still doesn’t erase the hurt from loosing Gray. We couldn’t have done anything to prevent his death, nothing to prevent this illness. The outcome wouldn’t have changed. Less than 2% of women contract CMV in the first trimester and it results in fetal death. Sometimes I get so sick of being the rareity. I get sick of always being the minority when it comes to my fertility and my family.

[jackandgray1618]

Gray

I go to bed and you’re no longer with me. I wake up and you’re still not there. It hurts. I miss you Gray. 💚

[jackandgray1618]

[jackandgray1618]

Before & After

Before you were born I was counting the weeks until our next milestone. I was waiting to finally reach the third trimester mark. I was looking forward to finding out what day you would actually come out.

After you were born I am still waiting for milestones but they’re a little different now. I am now waiting to be off pelvic rest and then how long until we can start “trying” again. And then your Due Date will get here and I’m not ready for that milestone. I’m not ready for that day to come and you not come with it. I miss you Grayson.

💚

[jackandgray1618]

Jackson

Jack would have loved us bringing home Grayson. He would have loved having a brother. I could just see them running in the backyard together. Shooting hoops together. Jackson teaching his little brother how to tie his shoes. I don’t just miss my Son but I miss the relationship he would have had with his brother. 💕

[jackandgray1618]

The store

I went to Micheals tonight to get some craft supplies. I wanted to make you a shadow box. I also needed to get out of the house some. I ran into a parent of a student from last year. Her kid is across the hall from me this year. She knew I was pregnant.

I unloaded my story of this weeks events on her. It felt good to talk about you. To tell people your name. It was comforting to see others feel for me what I felt for you. I don’t want people to forget you existed. I know I won’t because you changed my life. But I want others to remember you, always.

💚💙

[jackandgray1618]

Makes my heart hurt that your shelf is in memorial.

[jackandgray1618]

Your Birth

You came so early I hadn’t even really made up my birth plan yet. Except, I knew, no epidural.

You birth was hard. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I didn’t imagine my first time in labor going anything like this. I had to take these pills to soften my cervix and just wait. Shortly after 1 I started to have contractions. I was in so much pain, physically and emotionally. Your delivery was very quick. My water broke, and I cried. Then you came, and I cried more. They cut your cord, something your Daddy was supposed to do. You were taken away, silently. The physical pain subsided and the reality started to sink in.

They placed you in my arms. You were tiny and perfect. You looked so much like your Dad. Of course you did.

[jackandgray1618]

Safe

There’s this rule, that you aren’t supposed to announce you’re pregnancy until after 12 weeks because if you make it past the 12 weeks the chance for miscarriage is significantly reduced. Only about 5% of pregnancies end unexpectedly in the second trimester. 5% seems like an astronomically tiny amount, except for when you’re that 5%.

So I broke the rules, and I announced at 6 weeks. We saw your heartbeat. We knew you were real. I was guarded but I knew I wanted to enjoy every second with you...Incase something happened.

I was cautious to buy maternity clothes, or even little outfits for you to wear. So I waited. I waited until it was “safe” and I ordered some clothes for my changing body. I needed to make space for you after all.

Those clothes came today. I knew they were coming. They came today though. And you’re no longer here. Today, instead of ripping open my new clothes, you’re Dad and I are going to pick up the casts they made of your tiny feet and hands. It’ll go in your memory box with your pictures and all the other memories we don’t get to have with you.

I miss you. 💚

Love,

Mom

[jackandgray1618]

Green and Yellow

I had planned your Gender Reveal for a few weeks. You Daddy insisted that we find out, I didn’t care I just wanted you to be healthy. I decided I didn’t want to be traditional and go with pink or blue-instead I picked green or yellow. I had a Duck cake ordered and cupcakes ready to be filled with green or yellow. I picked up lemons and limes and 7up. I was all ready for your day.

Now, I look around at the lemons and limes going bad. I see the 7up on the counter. I can’t help but notice that your birth stone is now Green, forever. Because your cupcakes would have been filled with green. 💚

I love you Gray.

Love, Mom

[jackandgray1618]

Gray 💙

I remember what it was like the day I took that first pregnancy test. And the second test, third, or fourth. I was so excited that I could hardly contain our news. I called all my family, right away. Each appointment where we got to see you on that little screen was full of joy and relief. From the first time you heart beat, to seeing your little profile. You were a fighter. You were strong.

I wish I had your strength Gray. You’re strong like your Daddy. You looked so much like him already.

I remember walking into our final appt where they told me you no longer had a heartbeat. Seeing you on the screen one final time. I think, deep down, I already knew you were gone. I just didn’t want to admit it or believe it. I was still trying to hold on to you.

I miss you Gray. I wish you were still here, still safely tucked away in my womb. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I am sorry you had to leave us so early. I love you, my Son.

Love,

Mom

[jackandgray1618]

Grayson James

My perfect little boy, brother of Jackson, Chris’s other little mini me. He was destined to be so much but instead he has returned to his Heavenly Father. Grayson James was born on May 22 at 1:27pm. He was 8 ounces and 8.5 inches long. He had passed on about 10-14 days before he was brought earth side. My heart hurts knowing all the days I will miss with my little boy. I won’t get to celebrate his first birthday, or when he gets his drivers license. I’ll never get to take him to baseball practice or push him on a swing. I feel robbed. I feel cheated. I am devistated. I am heartbroken.

Our road to Grayson was so long as hard. We saw moments of heartache as we grieved two miscarriages and we saw moments of Joy as we brought home Jackson. Years of fertility treatments and longing for you. It just doesn’t seem fair that we fought so hard to get you here and we still didn’t get to keep you.

We prayed and prayed for Grayson for so long. It hurts that he was taken so soon.

This physical pain of labor doesn’t seem to even come close to the emotional pain of having to say good bye to the little boy I will never get to know.

I hate that this is our journey. I hate that we have to work so hard just to grow our family while it seems at others don’t have to work hard at all. I hate that this is another part of our story. All I want is to give my husband a child and my son a sibling. It shouldn’t be this hard. It shouldn’t hurt this much.

Grayson-you were the perfect little boy. I hope you continue to watch over us from above. I hope you felt our love the day we held you and your Daddy gave you your name. I hope you know Jackson was so excited to meet you. We will share you with him someday when he’s ready.

Grayson, I will never forget you. I will always love you. You are forever my second born.

Love,

Mom

[jackandgray1618]

Kayleigh Wright: official @drpepper brand advocate #Pepper pack #ambassador #asifitneededtobeofficial #everyonealreadyknowsimobsessed

[jackandgray1618]

❤️ #kidpresident