However, Iâve always used this as a place where I can vent my feelings, and somewhere in which I can look at where I have honestly been in life without putting on some kind of facade to distort or manipulate the way people see where I am.Â
Iâm about to enter the final month of this year away from uni and all my friends, and I never though I would be at a point where I can look back on it all and be proud. When I was 16, I told myself that if I lived in my own flat and was working a full time job I would be proud. Then when I was 18 things started to change, I placed my happiness above anything else and that became my goal. Once I started university, that changed again. I started placing grades, money and relationships above anything else. I became obsessed with getting firsts in everything that I could, and I believed the only way I could find happiness was through success and in other people. This sent me down into spirals of drinking and self loathing, clouded in thoughts of depression and suicide because I simply thought I wasnât good enough.Â
When I accepted my job offer, I expected to feel this whole weight that I had been carrying on my shoulders to suddenly be lifted. When I put the phone down, it was still there, only heavier. I assumed it would just take a while to settle in that the first of my goals had been achieved - to get a job away from Lincoln and to live independently. I still wasnât happy, but at least I was there and I assumed that happiness would soon follow.Â
Once I moved into my new place I felt a whole new world of anxiety, something I have never felt before. I still didnât feel the satisfaction that I expected knowing that I had achieved what I set out to do when I was 16. I was frustrated by the fact that I couldnât find happiness in my success and I couldnât find happiness in my relationship. I ended up breaking down and crying in front of my parents because I was so terrified of this new world. I was alone, still with all these thoughts in my head that I wasnât good enough. I ended up lumping all my hopes of happiness into one girl. I placed everything I could into because I assumed that would make me happy. Once that relationship ended, everything came crashing down for me.
It sounds lame, but every month I make a playlist of new music and songs I want to return to for when I drive to and from work. At first it was a little cool way to find new music and reconnect with old music, however its now become a ritual for me. Itâs a painting I create that perfectly depicts my emotions and state of mind that month. While I was creating my June playlist, I realised âholy shit, this is the last one I will make for the sole purpose of getting me to and from work.â Thereâs a few months in there that I remember had some amazing music, so I flicked through every playlist and realised how much these rather empty, symbolic playlists paint the picture of how my year has been. There has been such a change of subject matter and genres from the dark end of last year, to somewhere now where I am genuinely happy.
I created a little playlist called âYou made it, well done & be proud of yourself.â Iâve never been one for self-love in all honestly, but I thought I deserved to remember that I have done some amazing things these past 12 months. For the past 3 years up to October, I had had suicidal thoughts every single day. I only ever acted upon these once or twice in those years, however that was scary going though all of that. These thoughts ramped up though towards then on of 2015 as I spiralled more into depression, drinks and drugs until I finally hit some form of wall.Â
I had three rather life changing events happen in October, two of which being family deaths. At my Great-Grandmaâs funeral, I was amazed at how many people this 90 year old woman had there, and how fondly they spoke of her. I couldnât help but think that if I carried on living the life I was, I wouldnât have anywhere near as many people at my funeral, and that my funeral would most likely happen a lot sooner than hers did. I made a rational choice to try and change my life, and in that I found some comfort in myself.Â
Now, I donât fully understand what has happened in these past 6 months - it may have been to do with the seasons changing or starting a new job, but I donât know. When I got back together with Agnes, I was still scared, but I was excited for what it would bring. Our time together has already flown by and I cannot imagine a world without her, however I had an amazing realisation on Sunday that couldnât have made myself more proud of where I am right now. I sat on a bench smoking with her outside of her flats, just talking about life and how scared she is to be graduating, and how lucky we are to have met each other and to have let each other back into our lives. I donât know what went through my head, but I realised that since January, when me and her started speaking on a much more emotional level, I had never had a depressive state. i had never had a suicidal though or impulse. I felt truly happy, and I knew that I finally loved myself enough in order to love someone else. In these past 12 months, Iâve finally learnt to find happiness in me and Iâve allowed myself to love someone for who they are and not just what I always thought a relationship represented.
I cannot wait for what the future holds for me and everyone close to me.
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