Bits and pieces

[jackyeh]

Deep Cleaned My Room

One of the things I like to do before any trip is deep clean my room. There’s something really comforting about coming home to a space that’s already clean, like I can just drop my bags and immediately relax.

Not that my apartment is messy or anything. I keep up with it pretty well week to week. But a deep clean hits and smells different.

Work was pretty light today since I’d already wrapped up everything I needed to. So I got an early workout in, ran some errands, picked up some last-minute things to bring to Singapore for Angel (why does she need six jars of Everything But The Bagel seasoning from Trader Joe’s?), grabbed some gifts for family and friends in Taiwan, and withdrew some cash since, well… cash is still king there.

By the time I got home, it was still early, and I had this random burst of energy. So I went all in.

Vacuumed. Swiffered. Wiped down every surface. Cleaned the mirrors and bathroom. Washed my sheets, pillowcases, duvet cover. Everything. It was one of those long, exhausting cleaning days, but also the kind that feels really good when you’re done. Now my place is spotless and waiting for me for when I get back later this month.

But the cleaning turned into something more than just cleaning.

At some point, I finally worked up the energy, or maybe just stopped putting it off and being lazy, and put away the last few things that reminded me of Sarah.

A birthday card. A Christmas card. The photos of us I had taken off the fridge the day after we broke up, tucked inside that birthday card. The picture frame of Beacon Street (St. Mary’s T stop facing Kyo Matcha and Kyuramen), where it all started. And a Chinese calligraphy painting I drew when we took that class together.

I gathered everything and placed it inside or behind the picture frame.

And of course, I reread everything she wrote.

And yup. I teared up. Again.

I put the frame away in the storage closet, but the words stuck with me:

“A snapshot of our first date. The street we both called home. I’ll always love this view because this is where it all began. Happy one year anniversary. Love you, Sarah. 6/27/25.”

It’s such a bittersweet thing to hold onto.

I cried when I read it. And then again while writing this.

I wonder if she still remembers it. I wonder what that place means to her now. And it’s kind of wild realizing it’s almost June again. Both her birthday and our anniversary.

On a slightly unrelated, but not really unrelated note:

I had gifted Sarah an Aura Frame (since we're on the topic of picture frames), one of those digital frames where you can upload photos remotely. She had shared access with me, so I still have the app on my phone. I know she deleted all our photos the day after we broke up.

Last week, I got a notification: “Sarah added new photos.”

I saw it immediately, but didn’t open it. I just… couldn’t. I told myself I didn’t need to know. I didn’t want to see something that would ruin my day, especially if it was photos with someone new.

So I waited. Two days. I wavered back and forth. Should I look or not?

Curiosity won, eventually.

I opened it.

It was mostly photos of her with friends and roommates. Honestly, that alone was a relief.

But then I saw one photo that caught me off guard.

It was a picture of me.

She took it when we hiked Mt. Rainier. It’s actually my Tumblr profile picture.

I don’t really know what that means. And I don’t want to overthink it.

But I do know this:

I’m glad it wasn’t another guy.

[jackyeh]

March Update

It’s been a while since I’ve given myself an update.

Life’s been busy. Work takes up most of my day now. When I started my job at the Department of Health (DOH), I knew it was a one-year appointment set to expire July 31, 2026, with all the uncertainty around public health funding. Still, it felt like something I had always wanted, to work for DOH, especially in Washington, and give back to the community I grew up in. The fact that it’s remote and flexible made it even better. I went in knowing there was an end date, and I was okay with that. I also had my other job, so even if this ended, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. If anything, part of me thought I might even feel relieved to have more time to myself instead of constantly grinding.

Over the past few months, there have been conversations about keeping me on in some capacity. I had hoped to move more into behavioral health work (maybe even lead some of it) and was trying to push in that direction. There were also discussions about working with managed care organizations and supporting underserved populations like Medicaid communities. I told leadership I was open to anything. I enjoy the work. It feels meaningful.

Now it looks like they’re extending my position until 2030, and asking me to lead the Rural Health Transformation Plan work.

It’s a strange feeling. On paper, this is everything I had hoped for: recognition, stability, a chance to lead something that matters. And I am proud of it. But it also feels quieter than I expected. It's bittersweet. There isn’t really anyone I instinctively want to tell.

Before, my first thought would’ve been to text Sarah. I would’ve told her the news and used it as an excuse to take her somewhere nice so we could celebrate, try a new restaurant, spend more time together. That’s not something I get to do anymore. And that’s what makes this moment feel a little heavier than it should.

Anyway, life’s been moving.

I have a trip coming up in April. I’ll be in Singapore to MC a friend’s wedding, and then I’m heading to Taiwan afterward. I’ve never been to Singapore, and it’s been over five years since I last went back to Taiwan, so I’m genuinely excited. I had once imagined doing this trip with Sarah, showing her around, sharing that part of my life with her. That version of the trip isn’t happening, but I’m still looking forward to it for what it is now.

I also finally got around (maybe finally got the courage) to throw away the Merry Christmas box she drew for me, the one she used to hide my gift. I had kept it above the fireplace for a long time. I’ve always liked holding onto small things like that. But it felt like time.

It’s just a box. But it held a version of my life that doesn’t exist anymore.

Life keeps moving, whether you’re ready or not. I guess I’m just trying to keep up with it in my own way.

[jackyeh]

Belated Valentine's Day

I wasn’t going to post anything since I kept myself pretty occupied on Valentine’s Day this year. I worked my usual 1pm-6pm shift, played a ton of basketball, and by the time I got home all I wanted to do was eat some leftovers and pass out.

That was the plan, until a friend texted asking if I’d be down to go to a bar since there’d probably be a good amount of single girls out. I was tempted for a good 30 seconds before realizing I had already heated up my food and honestly just wanted to stay home eating and watching Single’s Inferno Reunion. I think deep down I’m still not completely healed, and that makes me sad.

Then today I hung out with some friends. We grabbed lunch and played board games, Monopoly Deal and Exploding Kittens. These were two games I used to play with Sarah and her friends, and it made me miss everything. It’s strange how grief hides in ordinary things.

We started talking about what couples usually do for Valentine’s Day, and that got me thinking about last year. Sarah stopped by my place after work since Valentine’s fell on a Friday. I had bought a big ass flower vase filled with tulips (one of her favorites) and placed it on my table. Normally I would’ve gotten a bouquet, but since she was staying over and we were heading to NYC the next morning, the vase made more sense.

She came over and saw the flowers. We freshened up and I called an Uber to take us to a secret place, a couples massage she wasn’t expecting at all (at least I hoped). We really welcomed that break since it was a stressful time for her at work. After that I took her to our next stop. I’ll admit this part wasn’t perfectly planned on my end since we were already spending the next two days in NYC, so dinner was a little improvised. But I managed to pull something together and we ended up getting Bartaco. Not bad, not authentic, but it wrapped up the night well.

We went back home, opened our cards, and exchanged gifts. I gave Sarah an electronic photo frame because I wanted us to keep filling it with photos and memories together.

I really hope she still uses it, even after we’ve broken up.

I never really understood why people said Valentine’s Day could be a triggering day until now. Maybe I’m getting soft, but last year was really great. I’m still trying to figure out what exactly I’m sad about. Is it Sarah leaving? Is it the fear that I won’t find someone as compatible? Is it having to start over with someone new? Or is it the feeling that my one shot at happiness is already gone?

I don’t know which of those questions hurts the most.

[jackyeh]

Regret?

I swear I’m doing better now. I’ve built a routine to keep myself occupied. I stopped sleeping in. I go to the gym whenever I can between meetings, partly because it’s convenient, and partly because I don’t want to accidentally run into Sarah at 6pm like we used to when we worked out together.

I had dinner with a friend today who asked if I’m still in contact with her. I said no. Then I thought about it more and added that she texted me happy birthday that night and that was it.

What I didn’t tell him was that her message was a bit long. I could tell she struggled with whether to send it. What stuck with me was her saying, “I know you don’t care for your birthday but I hope you had a good day.”

It made me pause because I remembered writing once, “I’ve never really cared for my birthday.” I guess we really are similar.

Now I keep replaying faint memories of the night she broke up with me. I think (I hope I’m not imagining this) she asked if I regretted dating her. I answered immediately: no way. No hesitation. And that’s still the truth.

We had so many good times. She even wrote in her letter that I gave her the best 1.5 years of her life. Which makes the breakup feel even more confusing. More unfortunate. I hate it.

I don’t regret talking to her. I don’t regret becoming friends. I don’t regret falling for her. I don’t regret loving her. I don’t regret the memories we made.

I just regret that we had to break up.

PS: I swear I don’t go back to re-read text messages from her, but I had to for this post.

[jackyeh]

Month Two

Time flies when you keep yourself occupied. I’m not entirely sure how I’m getting through all of this, but I am. I still have my ups and downs, though the downs are becoming less frequent.

Boston was hit pretty hard by a snowstorm last Sunday. My place in Fenway got around 14 inches of snow, while other parts of Massachusetts saw as much as 25. It was quiet and peaceful. I’ve always loved the first day of snowfall with the soft white powder covering the ground, and the cold crisp air when I step outside. The storm was strong enough that schools were canceled on Monday and Tuesday. My first thought wasn’t about myself, but about whether Sarah had enough food to last the week. I wasn’t sure if her place did as good a job with snow plowing and sidewalk shoveling as mine. I can’t believe I’m still worried about her.

As for myself, I was afraid I’d be stuck at home with nothing to do, that boredom would set in and sad thoughts would start creeping back. That didn’t really happen. I’m working remotely for a job based in another state, one that didn’t have any snow closures, and I’m grateful that work kept my mind busy. I even walked to the gym through the snow, which turned out to be a small adventure on its own.

Now that it’s been two months since the breakup, I can tell I’m doing better. I booked tickets to Seattle to visit my family. I booked a trip to Singapore for a friend’s wedding. I booked tickets to Taiwan to see old friends and eat food I’ve been craving for years. I’m genuinely excited about these trips and looking forward to what’s ahead.

Still, in the back of my mind, I can’t help thinking that Singapore and Taiwan would have been incredible trips to take Sarah on. Then I remembered the last time I brought her to Seattle, when she was in an anxious mood and I ended up feeling sad the entire time. Remembering that makes things clearer. Maybe it’s not so bad that we broke up. Maybe it’s okay that she won’t be coming with me on these trips.

[jackyeh]

Criminal Minds

I download and save TV shows and movies onto a portable hard drive and plug it into my TV so I can watch everything on a bigger screen.

When I run out of space, I delete older files to make room for new ones. Singles Inferno Season 5 came out recently, and I was excited. I’d been looking forward to watching it. So I went through the whole routine: downloading, organizing, saving. That’s when I realized I was out of space.

That meant I had to delete something.

I keep everything neatly organized (TV Shows, Movies, Anime) so I opened my TV Shows folder to see what I could remove. And almost immediately, I saw Criminal Minds.

That stopped me.

Sarah and I watched a lot of shows and movies together, and Criminal Minds was one of hers. She’d seen it before and wanted to share it with me. I was hesitant at first because it’s an older show, and there were so many other things I wanted to watch, but I couldn’t really say no to her. So we started it.

We watched it while sitting on the sofa, while eating, just existing together. We made it to Season 3 before we broke up.

I don’t think I’ll ever finish Criminal Minds on my own. Just seeing the folder sitting there made me sad. It took me a while to process it. To sit with that feeling. Before I could finally click “delete.” Deleting Criminal Minds from my hard drive felt like I was deleting a small part of myself, a quiet archive of the year and a half we spent together.

[jackyeh]

Happy birthday to myself

Another year down. I can’t believe I’m already 35.

I’ve never really cared for my birthday. I’ve never wanted to celebrate it. It’s always felt like just another day.

But last year was different. It was one of the best birthdays I can remember.

It was a regular workday. Nothing special on the calendar. But Sarah had planned an entire birthday surprise for me.

She came over and took me to dinner via Uber. I wasn’t expecting anything. We passed by Chinatown and I thought maybe it was pho, which honestly would’ve been perfect on a cold day. I didn’t expect anything at all. I never really do. Maybe that’s how I cope with the possibility of being let down.

I guessed pho out loud. She said no.

We kept going. Past downtown. Eventually to Seaport. At that point, I had no idea what could possibly be there. Maybe Spin? Where we’d played ping pong before? We finally arrived, and I was still confused until I read the restaurant name.

Moo.

Sarah was taking me to Moo?!?

I couldn’t believe it.

Dinner was a 10/10. And somehow, the night wasn’t over.

We walked a bit and arrived at another mysterious destination. No signs. No clues. Then we stepped inside. It was mini golf at Puttshack. A fun, competitive environment where we tried (and failed) to outdo each other.

After that, we went back home and I opened her gift.

A Jokic jersey.

Not just any jersey. A Denver Nuggets 5280 City Edition. She knew Jokic was my favorite player. This was completely unexpected. The only thing that could’ve topped it would’ve been if it said 520 instead (a Chinese pun).

But there was still a card.

Sarah had made it herself. It was handcrafted and watercolored using the watercolor set I’d gifted her for Christmas. The words inside wrapped the entire night together perfectly. Honestly, if she had only given me that card and nothing else, I would’ve been just as happy.

It was also the first time Sarah said “I love you” to me. And the first time I said it back.

That night capped everything off. I was on cloud nine.

I never expect anything. And yet, that birthday is one I’ll never forget. She splurged on me. More than that, she made me feel deeply loved.

Fast forward one year later.

Everything has changed.

I’m okay spending my birthday alone. In fact, I prefer it, like I always have. I still don’t have expectations. But last year’s birthday, as beautiful as it was, makes today feel heavier.

Some memories don’t fade.

They just quietly remind you of what once was.

Edit: Today was another workday, but I was able to tour some apartments, venture out for some birthday freebies, and then hit the gym. I think I saw Sarah at the gym today as I was walking to the lat pulldowns and passed by the dumbbells section. This is the first time I’ve seen her in person since the breakup (at least I think that was her, but I could be racist). Needless to say, I quickly walked to the lat pulldowns, did a shortened workout, and immediately left the gym.

[jackyeh]

[jackyeh]

Memories with Sarah - Personal Timeline

A private, chronological record of moments, trips, and turning points, all kept with care and honesty.

Why I’m Keeping This

I just finished watching Kaguya-sama: Love Is War – The Stairway to Adulthood, which released last month. This is probably my favorite rom-com anime (I haven’t seen many), and in this TV special, Kaguya (now an adult) has a memories photo album filled with photos of her and Shirogane as high schoolers when they were dating.

That moment instantly made me sad. It was deeply bittersweet. We only have one life, and it made me want to cherish my memories more intentionally, especially my memories with Sarah.

I know that over time, I’ll forget many of these details. What I want to do now is create a private, chronological record of moments, trips, and turning points from my relationship with Sarah. This document will be continuously updated as I remember things to add.

I’m not sure how healthy this is for me, but it’s something I need to do at this moment. It will be bittersweet, sad, and full of tears.

[jackyeh]

"I do love you."

I swear these four words replay in my head whenever I get a free moment to myself.

Sarah sits on the right side of the sofa. I sit to her left. That night replays over and over. It’s 12/1. The night of the breakup, when we talked for hours, from 7:00pm to 12:30am.

At this point, I don’t really remember the exact details of our conversation. Most of it has blurred together. But one thing is still crystal clear: you were explaining why you had to break up, walking me through your reasoning, and then you ended it with, “I do love you.”

That broke me.

It still breaks me. Even now, on quiet days, when my mind finally has space, that sentence comes back and plays on repeat.

I told you I know. I told you I loved you too. We both loved (maybe still love) each other. And somehow, that wasn’t enough. It really sucks that it could just end like that.

I held you close that night for the last time.

[jackyeh]

Reflecting on lost dreams

I’ve been doing pretty well recently.

I have my community of close friends. I have basketball and tennis. I have my two jobs keeping me occupied. Most days, I feel okay. Steady, even.

Last week, two of my friends visited from New York. They invited me (and others) to a Ta Sho Nepalese event. It was a great night filled with dancing, food, and then more dancing. I gave them an update on my relationship status, and honestly, I realized I wasn’t feeling that sad anymore. I’ve been pretty fine lately.

The very next day, we played tennis and grabbed breakfast. That breakfast quickly became awkward.

Months ago (before I broke up with Sarah) I had tentative, not fully concrete plans to room with one of these friends at her family’s vacant place. Back then, we talked about a suburban life. About her getting a puppy and me being able to play with him. About setting up a home base in Boston so that when our other friend (her partner) came back to Boston as an attending, we’d all be able to do great things together.

The plan was practical and dreamy at the same time. We’d get a third roommate. I’d get a car. The combined cost of rent and car payments would be about the same as renting in Boston proper. Eventually, my friend would move out with her partner, and Sarah would move in with me.

It was such a clean, hopeful fairy tale. Until it wasn’t.

After the breakup, I made plans to room with another friend in Boston proper instead. I shared this update at breakfast. My friend didn’t take it very well. At first, it felt like joking, with some roasting and some teasing. Then it stopped feeling like a bit. It became serious, and I started feeling deeply uncomfortable.

Moments like that are when I feel down the most. Not because they happen, but because Sarah isn’t around anymore. Because I can’t go home and tell her about it. I can’t laugh it off with her, or process it together.

Something similar happened today at work.

I had a private call with one team lead who told me confidentially that she wants to write me in as a future epidemiologist and keep me in the agency through the managed care organization work. Shortly after, I got another private call from a different team lead, who told me she’s advocating for me to lead behavioral health work.

My current position is contracted through July 31st. Knowing that people are trying to find ways to keep me on because they value my work meant a lot.

And again, Sarah was the first person I wanted to tell.

These are the moments that hurt the most. The good news. The awkward stories. The quiet wins. The mixed emotions. The things that make up life.

I’m sure Sarah has her own updates too, both good and bad, that she’d want to share with me. And it hurts knowing that we can’t do that anymore. That we’re living parallel lives now, full of moments that will never cross.

I really hate this.

[jackyeh]

Officially One Month

Happy New Year.

It’s hard to believe it’s already been a full month since I broke up with you, Sarah.

The first week hit the hardest. After that, I think I went numb. I shifted my focus almost entirely to work. Both of my jobs had a lot of catching up to do, and the structure from the jobs helped. Working became a kind of refuge. It kept me busy, kept my mind occupied, and gave me just enough distance from the sadness and the overthinking.

I’ve reread our letters to each other more times than I can count this month. Part of it is me checking in with myself, trying to see where I’m at. Part of it feels like exposure therapy where I'm revisiting the memories so they lose some of their power. Some days, I genuinely feel like I’m over it, like I’ve healed and moved on. Other days, like today, New Year’s Eve, it hits hard again. I think having the day off from work made it worse. With free time comes unoccupied thoughts, and with unoccupied thoughts, memories of you slowly find their way back in.

I’ve been in Boston for five years now. My first year, I went back to Seattle for winter break, so I never experienced New Year’s fireworks here. My second year, it was pouring rain, and I didn’t go out. My memory is a little hazy now, so I’m not even sure I’m remembering everything perfectly. But I do remember this: when we first started dating and were supposed to spend our first New Year’s Eve together, you had a health scare. We decided to cancel, telling ourselves it was okay because there would be plenty more New Year’s Eves for us to share in the future.

I really believed that.

So I was especially looking forward to our second New Year’s Eve together. We spent 2024–2025 by the Charles River, near the BU Beach. It was my first time ever watching fireworks in Boston, and my first time doing it with you. I was so excited, so genuinely happy that it finally happened. The fireworks themselves weren’t even that spectacular, but it didn’t matter. I had a great time. And having you stay the night afterward was always something I looked forward to. It made the night feel complete.

This year, I stayed home. I watched Wicked: For Good instead.

“I Couldn’t Be Happier” completely broke me. I couldn’t help but think about us, about the breakup, and about what you said—about how you weren’t happy in the relationship. Hearing that again in my own head still hurts. I guess this is how I know I’m not fully over you yet.

That’s okay. Life will keep moving forward, and I know it will get better eventually. But for now, I’m still here, still grieving. And for now, the grieving continues.

[jackyeh]

Toilet paper

I was having a good Christmas Day, until I wasn’t.

I started the morning scooting to the gym. The empty Boston streets and cold air made everything feel quiet and peaceful. I met up with some friends and played halfcourt basketball 4s and 3s, and for a while, everything felt light and normal.

Then I left the gym and, almost immediately, had to run to the bathroom. I decided to stop by campus nearby, partly for convenience and partly to see if my ID still worked. Surprisingly, it did. I went up to the familiar third floor and used my usual bathroom. I really am a creature of habit, for better or worse.

That’s when it all hit me.

Walking through the third floor. This familiar environment where Sarah’s and my story begann, felt unexpectedly heavy. I wandered past the open layout where she used to sit and work, then past my old office where I used to spend so many hours. We were about ten feet away, yet we never really talked to each other for an entire year. It was strange, but also comforting, to revisit it all.

When I went into the bathroom, I noticed two extra rolls of toilet paper lying on the floor.

And suddenly, I was reminded of how poor I used to be as a graduate student. I used to take one of the extra rolls whenever I saw them. Never both. Just one. I wasn’t greedy.

That memory led me to a funny story.

When Sarah and I first started dating, she came over one day and noticed that the toilet paper I had looked suspiciously similar to the kind used in the office bathrooms. She asked if I had stolen it. I hesitated. I didn’t want to lie, but I wasn’t sure if she would judge me. Eventually, I told her the truth that I sometimes took a roll, and that occasionally the custodian would even give me some since we overlapped during my late night stays at the office.

I didn’t know how she would react.

To my surprise, she laughed and told me that she also used to take toilet paper rolls. She said she usually saw just one extra roll lying there and would take it.

That was such a small but strangely profound moment. I realized that I would take one and leave the other, and Sarah would take the other. We were doing the exact same thing, unknowingly, without ever crossing paths. We were each other’s toilet paper competition. The quiet symmetry of it made me love her even more.

Standing there in that bathroom on Christmas Day, I suddenly felt overwhelmed. It’s such a random thing. Something so insignificant and yet it captured how similar we were, long before we even knew each other. If she had never asked me that night, we would have never known about each other’s toilet paper adventures at all.

And somehow, that’s what made it hurt. The same empty Boston streets and cold air on the way back home felt lonely and melancholic.

[jackyeh]

看著我的眼睛說

From here on out, these are just my unfiltered thoughts, separate from the letters Sarah and I exchanged.

I’m listening to my usual Chinese playlist on Spotify while I work, and one of Zhang Yuan’s songs came on. I found myself really listening to it, and then I made the mistake of looking up the lyrics.

The song opens with, “Today is your birthday. I prepared so much, hid a surprise in my left pocket, and waited for you to come home.” I know it’s not the same, but it felt painfully analogous to how we broke up on December 1st, right before Christmas and my birthday. There was so much I had planned, so much I had already prepared in anticipation of celebrating with you. I had bought a pregnancy pillow as a present because you love bed rotting, and I thought it would be a nice substitute cuddler when I wasn’t there. I also got us matching pajamas, since neither of us really has dedicated sleepwear, and I thought it would’ve been cute, especially after seeing your mom and Joe wearing pajamas together in Florida. I really wished that could’ve been us someday.

The next part of the song talks about sitting on the sofa in silence, asking why the other person wants to break up, what they did wrong. That part made me completely lose it. It brought me straight back to December 1st, when you said you wanted to talk in person. You came up to my apartment, and I went to greet you, but I could immediately feel the heaviness in the air. You didn’t want to hug or kiss hello. Instead, you asked me to sit. We sat there quietly for a while. You took a few sips of the warm water I had prepared ahead of time, and neither of us could find the courage to start. I remember thinking, this isn’t good, and finally asking, “It’s not good, right?”

It’s been 22 days since we broke up, and the exact words we exchanged that night are already a little hazy. What I do remember is that we talked from around 7pm to 9pm, when you said you were planning on leaving, but then didn’t want to. I asked you to stay a little longer, and you did. Then 9pm became 10pm. 10pm became 11pm. 11pm became 12:30am. I really wished you would’ve just stayed. I really wished you never left.

Later in the song, the lyrics say something about looking someone in the eyes and telling them you never loved them, that you’re not sad at all. That’s the one part I couldn't empathize with. You told me you loved me that night. You told me this was painful for you too. I know that. We both love each other. Hell, you probably didn’t even notice the acrostic in my second letter. That’s part of why I still don’t understand why you wanted to break up.

The next lines of the song talk about promises: exploring together, sightseeing, feeling the sea breeze, listening to favorite songs. In the end of the song, it says tell me that you’ll be sad too; that what we had was a real and beautiful memory that never got an ending; and that you should remember that I truly and deeply loved you, and that the one who should regret it isn’t me. There were so many places I wanted to go with you, so many plans I imagined us following through on, and so many adventures I imagined us having. There were so many versions of the future I quietly imagined for us. But we don’t get an ending to any of that. And somehow, it’s that unfinished future that makes me saddest of all.

[jackyeh]

#6 - Jack’s reply to Sarah's reply

Thank you and I’m going to quickly respond. I can tell this isn’t easy for you either, and that means a lot. I’m really glad you shared how you’ve been feeling and processing everything.

I agree that journaling is probably the healthiest thing for both of us right now. I’ve been doing the same in my Notes app. There were so many moments this week when I wanted to message you too, but I stopped myself because I know it wouldn’t help either of us heal.

I hear what you said about your feelings, the anxiety, and the guilt you carried. I don’t blame you. It hurts, but it’s not your fault. I appreciate that you tried for months and that you were honest with me. Thank you for giving the relationship as much as you could. That genuinely means a lot to me.

And just to be clear, I’m not waiting around or holding onto hope. Like I mentioned earlier, in a way this is the counterfactual. It’s better to figure things out now than 10 or 15 years down the line. I don’t want you to resent me in the future, and I want you to explore and get clarity about what you really want in life. Like in Love Island, I want and fully encourage you to seek out other connections. I don't want you to have any regrets. If our paths cross again someday and it genuinely feels right, then that would be amazing. But I’m not putting my life on hold or waiting while you date other people.

Anyways, as for the face wash and hairbrush agenda, whenever you’re planning to go to Pilates or be at work, just let me know. I can drop them in a locker for you, or leave them inside the first door of my place. I’d rather return them properly than throw away perfectly good things (both wasteful and hateful imo). There's no rush. It can be this week, next week, or whenever. I just want you to have your things back.

I’m okay, so you don’t need to worry. I don’t feel any strong need to block or go fully no contact. I just want whatever keeps things healthy for both of us.

[jackyeh]

#5 - Sarah’s response to Jack’s second letter

sorry for the late reply. reading that made me emotional again but i do want to respond. i also miss knowing what’s going on in your life. there’s things i want to tell you about my days too and it feels weird not to. so i’ve been writing to you like everyday too kinda as a way of journaling but also just writing things that i normally would’ve told you. but i don’t think i will send them to you.

i know it feels like i gave up and threw everything away but i really did try. i tried for several months. if the roles were reversed and you felt the way i felt and had the thoughts i had, i don’t think i would want to be with you. but i know that’s easy for me to say.

these letters that you’ve written me have shown me how much you really love me (not that i didn’t already know). they are honestly the most beautiful thing anyone’s written me and i really appreciate you for still being vulnerable with me. but it just makes me more sure that you deserve someone who feels as strongly as you do. i know it feels impossible because it feels impossible to me too but i do feel like you will be able to find someone just as compatible as we are.

it’s funny the thing you said about right person wrong time. i also always said i never believed in that but my mind sometimes does wonder how i’ll feel and where ill be a few years down the line. it’s hard not to imagine and romanticize the future. but i don’t want you to wait around for me holding onto hope. if our paths do cross again in the future, then that’s great but i also don’t want to settle because that wouldn’t be fair to you. you told me before that you don’t want me to feel like i’m settling or that i’m staying because im scared i won’t find something better and i think it got to a point where it did feel that way for me. so in the future if we meet again i want it to be genuine and real, not because either of us are settling or holding onto the past.

in terms of the no contact, i will respect your decision either way. again even if you decide to not block me i won’t reach out or check in because i know that wouldn’t be healthy for either of us.

[jackyeh]

#4 - Jack’s letter to Sarah

Hi again Sarah,

I’ve been trying to take things day by day since 12/1, but I won’t lie, it’s been really hard. I’ve been doing my best to give both of us space, and even though the tears haven’t really slowed down yet, I know healing takes time. And I know this isn’t easy for you either. I never thought any of this was one-sided.

Looking at our pictures from the fridge on 12/2 and placing them inside the birthday card you drew hit me harder than I expected. Reading both the birthday and Valentine’s cards made me cry even more because your feelings were real, and that’s part of what makes this breakup so hard to process. I know you don't say “I love you” lightly, and hearing it one last time on 12/1 made the goodbye that much harder. I understand why you felt you had to make this choice, even if I’m still trying to wrap my head around it emotionally.

One thing I want to say again is thank you for the jams from Vermont. I tried all three on 12/2. Peach is a 9/10, blackberry an 8/10, and raspberry a 6/10. You should definitely try the other flavors or get peach next time you go to Vermont with your Tufts friends. I always imagined we’d try them together, and that’s why I asked you to take one home that night. I’m sorry I made you sad. I know you gave them to me with care and love, and I’ll treasure all your gifts.

Very honestly, this past week I’ve tried not to reach out because I’m trying to respect the space we both need. You know damn well it’s not because I don’t want to talk. I do. There are a hundred things I instinctively want to share with you: my first week at ARG, where Jimmy randomly chose to meet to do my I-9, how your geospatial work and stakeholder meetings went, how you liked Wicked and New Girl. Even just saying goodnight. I miss knowing what’s going on in your life.

Even with all of that, I've been trying to hold myself back. It’s hard. Sometimes I end up rereading the letter I wrote and the one you wrote. It’s bittersweet. The part where you said you don’t know if you’re making the right decision, and that you may not know for a long time, really stuck with me. It made me feel like this isn’t a simple ending for you either. I want to give you the time and freedom you deserve, but I also wanted to share something that helped me too.

You and I both know that 1.5 years isn’t enough time to know the long-term future (we aren't white people fast). Even if you’re sure now, it doesn’t mean things won’t change later, and you can’t blame yourself for not foreseeing everything. I understand why you’re careful and guarded in relationships, and that you don't like people easily. That’s part of why I always tried to be patient and why I never pushed you. I wanted us to work through anything as a team and grow together.

Often I find myself thinking that the conflict wasn’t about me. It was about timing and emotional capacity. It felt like you cared deeply but weren’t sure you could match what I gave. It's just hard for me to accept that you're willing to throw everything away. I’m not saying that to guilt you, just to describe how it felt from my side.

Ultimately, I’m always going to be honest and say that I don’t fully understand it. It’s rare in life to find someone where things feel effortless, where there’s shared experience (especially with how we grew up), shared humor (we don't have to be the exact same), shared understanding and values and personalities (which I think is the most important), and shared interests. Someone who genuinely cares. On paper and in real life, we meshed so well. You have your friends and your hobbies, I have mine, and then we had this space in the middle where everything overlapped. We had fun together. We were open with each other. I loved hearing about your day and telling you about mine, even when our days weren’t exciting because we both work remotely and live normal lives. With you, I felt a sense of belonging.

Still, letting go of all that is something I don’t think I’ll ever fully “get.” I understand your reason but a part of me will always feel like life has ups and downs (happiness included), and that connection doesn’t disappear just because the feeling shifts for a while. You said the feeling was still there sometimes, just not as strong, and I’ve always believed part of that comes from being in different stages of life. There’s a generational piece to it too. So I want you to live your life and to experience things, and maybe someday, if we’re in the same place emotionally or in the same stage of life, you’ll understand what I saw in this relationship.

And I’m grateful that on 12/1 we were able to talk completely openly, honestly, and vulnerably. It sucked that it happened at my place, but I also appreciated that it allowed us to just keep talking and talking. The 4.5 hours flew by. I really really didn’t want that night to end. For you, I know the breakup felt like we ended on good terms. For me, because I didn’t want this to end, I can’t say I feel the same way. It feels like you gave up on me, gave up on us.

Right now, I'm still figuring out what happens next. Part of me wonders if going no contact for a while would help me heal faster. Another part of me doesn’t want something that drastic, because you didn’t do anything wrong. If I do need space to take care of myself, I’ll let you know. This is not to cut you off, but to keep things healthy.

And selfishly, a part of me hopes that your other connections don’t feel quite right either. Not because I want you to struggle, but because what we had mattered to me, and it’s hard not to hope there’s still space for us someday. And maybe this is just the data analyst in me talking, but by making this choice, you’re naturally running the counterfactual. You'll get to experience the alternative. You’ll get to see what life and other connections feel like outside of us, and you’ll be able to understand, for yourself, whether this relationship was the right one for you and what truly makes you happy.

Honestly, part of me hopes the “right person, wrong time” line could apply to us someday. I know I used to say I didn’t believe in that, but with you, it feels possible. Not because I’m waiting around, but because what we had meant a lot to me. I’m going to focus on healing, growing, and not rushing into anything new. I want you to live your life, explore, meet new people, and really understand what you truly want. And if life ever brings us back together naturally, and you realize we’re something worth revisiting, you can always tell me. The “one week” thing I mentioned was too short because real clarity takes time (even if a small part of me hoped for an absence makes the heart grow fonder moment). A second chance story would honestly be a pretty great addition to our story.

Jack